Sometimes I hate him!

I hate to say it but if he's a meth addict, weed could easily lead back to relapse. Have a serious discussion about it and let him know you love him and won't be upset if he tells the truth. Your job is to then not be upset. Show pitty. If he never did the NA 12 steps, its probably time. The way NA works, he'll live the rest of his life on step 12 and be clean and sober because of it!

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Im scared you might be right. And it breaks my heart, he was so good. I do want to help him. I just want the man who I fwll in love with back, not this stranger. Its been so bad we havent even slept in the same room together for more then a night or 2 in months :(

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Originally Posted by PorcelainxDoll

Im scared you might be right. And it breaks my heart, he was so good. I do want to help him. I just want the man who I fwll in love with back, not this stranger. Its been so bad we havent even slept in the same room together for more then a night or 2 in months :(

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You will get him back! Have faith! Addiction is a life long disease. There are no "ex" addicts. Once an addict, always an addict. And that is nothing to be ashamed of! Just get him into NA, help him find a sponsor, help him work the program and have an open and honest relationship about it without judgment or disappointment. You'll see the man you fell in love with again before you know it and you will love each other so much more for this experience!

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Thank you! I really hope I do get him back.

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Im the same kind of person as you, I don't want to be like my parents; divorced and on to the next partner.

However, this "stranger" is the man he's choosing to be. And, there's a different line between just marriage hopping and working in your best interest. At some point, it has to be about YOU and not you and him as a couple. He's already proved he's back to himself as number one, maybe you should too.

Just to address the attacks I noticed, are there any of the pets that are his too? Do you mutually share the pets or are the pets a hobby of your own?


Browsing on Tapatalk from my iPhone :)

We own cats together. I have 2 snakes he has 1. So they are a shared responsibility. Though I still end up paying for everything. :/

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Originally Posted by Norsejeff

On a serious note, OP, don't abandon the guy you loved enough to marry because he has a problem with drugs. Get him help and be by his side to support him on his road to recovery. Leaving the poor guy will only further his problem. If you care about him, help him into recovery. Trust me, I'm in recovery and having a loving support system is vital!

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He already went to prison for what im assuming was a drug related offence. He got out and was clean when she married him. HE made the concience choice to start using again (if he is). I completely disagree with you. If hes using again she should leave him bc clearly he's chosen the drugs over her. Did you miss the part where she hasnt eaten in 3 days so he can buy drugs?! I have never used hard drugs so i really cant give a view from that perspective but i dont think drug addicts are "sick". At some point in their life they made the CHOICE to use drugs. No one forced him to smoke or snort or inject the meth. He chose to. Now hes choosing to let his wife starve so he can have drugs.

Without it harming me at all i REALLY wish there was some way to get myself addicted to something just so i could prove that i could quit and never touch it again. Imo its all just about willpower.

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Originally Posted by Mike41793

He already went to prison for what im assuming was a drug related offence. He got out and was clean when she married him. HE made the concience choice to start using again (if he is). I completely disagree with you. If hes using again she should leave him bc clearly he's chosen the drugs over her. Did you miss the part where she hasnt eaten in 3 days so he can buy drugs?! I have never used hard drugs so i really cant give a view from that perspective but i dont think drug addicts are "sick". At some point in their life they made the CHOICE to use drugs. No one forced him to smoke or snort or inject the meth. He chose to. Now hes choosing to let his wife starve so he can have drugs.

Without it harming me at all i REALLY wish there was some way to get myself addicted to something just so i could prove that i could quit and never touch it again. Imo its all just about willpower.

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What you've said here is a prime example for why I stated earlier "no one can understand an addict except an addict". It doesn't make sense to anyone, even to ourselves. We do things we would have never even considered possible when the battle of the addicition is being waged. Its a mental illness; a brain disorder regardless of how the person first became addicted. Once that person is addicted, the disease never leaves you.

Think of it as getting meningitis or something if you must. No one really cares how you got the meningitis, just that you now have it. No one says "well, that poor sod shouldn't have been in a place where there was a disease! Screw him!"

Addiction should be looked at and dealt with in the same way as any other disease.

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Originally Posted by Mike41793

Without it harming me at all i REALLY wish there was some way to get myself addicted to something just so i could prove that i could quit and never touch it again. Imo its all just about willpower.

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SNAKES? try quitting that addiction....

i have to agree with you. there is not a person alive that doesn't know the dangers of drugs brfore they start using them. there is so much info out there at school,on TV, giant roadside billboards, etc about what happens if you use meth, heroin, crack, coke, whatever. people choose to ignore that and then when they are addicted and at rock bottom they blame addiction, not themselves. i come from a loooong line of alcholoics/addicts. i see it firsthand everyday. sometimes, the only thing left to do is the hardest thing, cutting ties and moving on. its a huge step. i've had to do it with immediate family and it is NOT easy but personal happiness is the most important goal in life and to get there sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

To the OP, sleeping in the same room twice in three onths or whatever time span it is does NOT sound *)% happy. the math on that is more like .97%.........be happy. and remember, money and material things DO NOT=happiness.

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Originally Posted by Norsejeff

On a serious note, OP, don't abandon the guy you loved enough to marry because he has a problem with drugs. Get him help and be by his side to support him on his road to recovery. Leaving the poor guy will only further his problem. If you care about him, help him into recovery. Trust me, I'm in recovery and having a loving support system is vital!

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I'm sorry, but he has made three choices in this situation that became HER problem. He went to work in a restaurant, starting using drugs again, and STOLE REPEATEDLY from her. Anyone who has worked in the restaurant industry knows that drugs, especially marijuana, are a part of many employees' lifestyles, so this was a stupid, irresponsible choice of job for him to get/keep. HE went out and starting using an illegal substance, which is not chemically addictive (unlike meth), but he CAN'T AFFORD. HE stole money TWICE that keeps a roof over their heads. Sure, put him in a program (again). But the only one that can change him is HIM, and she should not allow him to choose his "entertainment", addiction, or sheer selfishness over her ability to survive. There is a difference between support and enabling, and allowing "mistake" after devious, dishonest "mistake" is NOT HELPING ANYONE.

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Originally Posted by Annarose15

I'm sorry, but he has made three choices in this situation that became HER problem. He went to work in a restaurant, starting using drugs again, and STOLE REPEATEDLY from her. Anyone who has worked in the restaurant industry knows that drugs, especially marijuana, are a part of many employees' lifestyles, so this was a stupid, irresponsible choice of job for him to get/keep. HE went out and starting using an illegal substance, which is not chemically addictive (unlike meth), but he CAN'T AFFORD. HE stole money TWICE that keeps a roof over their heads. Sure, put him in a program (again). But the only one that can change him is HIM, and she should not allow him to choose his "entertainment", addiction, or sheer selfishness over her ability to survive. There is a difference between support and enabling, and allowing "mistake" after devious, dishonest "mistake" is NOT HELPING ANYONE.

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Who suggested enabling him? I'm just being the lone compassionate voice in this thread so the OP doesn't end her entire marriage because 30 people on some forum keep telling her her husband is willingly being a scum bag.

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Originally Posted by Norsejeff

Who suggested enabling him? I'm just being the lone compassionate voice in this thread so the OP doesn't end her entire marriage because 30 people on some forum keep telling her her husband is willingly being a scum bag.

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Compassion is what had her venting instead of packing yesterday...until he did it a second time in less than 24 hours. I have been in a similar situation to the OP and we somehow worked it out. However, I never went without eating because I make enough for both of us to scrape by on when he made his bad decisions (which NEVER included stealing from me). In the end, I told him he needed to leave unless three specific changes were made. One happened immediately, the other within a few weeks, and the last is still a work-in-progress. Did I make the right decision? Many of my friends and family would say no; all I can do is wait and see if the good holds and he continues to stand by his commitments. A marriage shouldn't be held holy by only one person in it, and stealing from the person you swore to honor and love is a disgrace unworthy of the title "husband" (or wife). It might not be time to file papers yet, but it is absolutely time to find somewhere healthy to go.

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Originally Posted by Norsejeff

Who suggested enabling him? I'm just being the lone compassionate voice in this thread so the OP doesn't end her entire marriage because 30 people on some forum keep telling her her husband is willingly being a scum bag.

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People have every right to be happy and live life for themselves. She shouldn't have to live her whole life for her addict and thief husband. They have only been married a short time.

Id like for the OP to find someone who truly cares about her instead of taking on someone else's burdens. She clearly doesn't need the stress because of her medical condition.

I understand where you are coming from but I honestly don't believe that smoking a little pot is the result of addiction. It is the result of not giving a crap about his wife and her wellbeing.

Why should she have to suffer through his addiction when she doesn't have to? Its her life to live and she shouldn't have to worry about her husband stealing the money that keeps a roof over their heads.

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As an EX-ADDICT I oppose the whole 'once an addict always an addict' mentality that NA and other garbage groups that connect druggies to druggies preach. NA just reinforces the notion that he IS a drug addict and there's a very hopeless tone they bring by telling you that you're going to be focused on this crap for your whole life. I hardly ever think about dope and when I do I certainly don't want to get high. NA would not have lead me to this state of mind. The people who get clean and stay clean are the ones who realize they aren't addicts and cut ties and build a new life and are confused about who they once were when they look into the past. If this guy was clean when he met and married you and decided to start using again, he hasn't changed and isn't happy enough with you to be satisfied by the relationship. That said, there are some people who simply lack the motivation and willpower to get clean. They are doomed and you need to cut ties and let him deal with that on his own. I would have never gotten clean if I had a girlfriend to lean on. Similarly, if I had a girlfriend I would have NEVER started using to begin with. I got clean for my family and friends, not myself. I did scummy things for money. I will agree that you are not yourself when you're using and it's not a reason to write someone off as a bad person, just lost (about the only point Norsejeff made that I agree with). There's your ray of hope. Is it worth it to try to get him back? Look up a bit about addiction, relapse rates, and meth and decide if this is a game you're trying to play at this point in your life.

If he took 40 bucks for weed a few days ago and already took 40 bucks again from you during your sleep from your wallet, I can tell you with a huge amount of confidence that he's not spending that money on weed. I'm a pretty avid stoner and 40 bucks would get me high for quite a while if I was in a strap for cash. Nobody needs to smoke weed THAT bad to have this intense conversation with you and repeat the behavior a day later. THAT is the behavior of hard drug use and not marijuana use. I'm in the middle of moving to a new apartment to get a third room to keep reptiles in and I'm pretty strapped for cash. I'm not smoking this week and I probably won't be able to for the first month or 2 after I move. It's NO PROBLEM for me, not even a small amount stressful. Marijuana simply IS NOT ADDICTIVE, though plenty of people use it to 'replace' addictive drugs.

Lots of people use drugs to dull the panic and anxiety caused by life's maintenance and problems. For a casual marijuana user, this is no problem if your life is running smoothly. Someone whose life is in the condition his is in should make the responsible choice not to get high and sort their stuff out before resuming. His behavior in this situation is indicative of deeper behavioral problems. Even without weed and drugs, would he run from these problems in another way? Have you known him to exhibit responsible behavior before? You are not his mom. If he can't take care of himself I don't think taking care of him is helping him through whatever he's got going on.

Enough people have commented on your husband so I will just say this. Take care of yourself first, get food and shelter and other basic needs. Then after you are set to go you choose whether you want to help him through whatever he is going through. But you cannot help him if you can't help yourself.

if you are really hungry go behind a supermarket and get the food they throw out....a lot of it is 100% edible. That may not be prideful or the most tasty but it would fill a stomach. And if he spends 40 on pot then why not take the same amount and spend it on food? screw bills your health and wellness is more important

Porcelain, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. A few years ago, I was in a similar place. I was involved with a guy who was addicted to opiates. While we were living together, he took well over a grand from me. Our electricity was shut off. He sold our furniture. He screwed over (and lost) a lot of friends.
I remember when he confessed to relapsing the first time. It wasn't a surprise to me- I had put the pieces together in my head a while before that, but I was in denial. No one wants to accuse someone they love of being on drugs, or lying to them about it. Are you absolutely sure that its only marijuana he's been buying? My ex used to cover up money spent by explaining it away towards something I would "be less mad about". For example, he'd take $50 and use $30 on groceries, and never mention the unaccounted-for $20. By the time he reached out to his parents for help, he was personally over twenty-five THOUSAND dollars in debt. This was over the course of about a year, maybe two at most.
He went to rehab twice. A friend he made during his stay showed him how to inject heroin. He died about a week after leaving rehab for the second time.

You need to think about your future. Are you thinking of having children someday? What will you do if he relapses again? What will you do if he takes too much money, and it's your kids that won't be fed that time? Will you be able to handle everything on your own if he goes to in-patient? Or gets arrested?
Those are big, scary questions, and you don't have to answer them right now. You certainly don't have to explain your answers, or reasoning, to us. But at least prepare yourself for the worst case scenarios.

In the meantime, since he is currently dropping the ball, you have to take a deep breath and be the adult. Open an account for rent and utilities. Tell him that he needs to earn back the right to have his name on the account, but that you'd be happy to show him the account statements whenever he'd like to see them, to keep you honest (not that you'd steal) and so you're both on the same page about your financial situation.
Even if you're content at your current job, you should always be looking for new opportunities. Pick up something part-time to make ends meet. Retail is hiring right now for seasonal positions. In certain commission-based stores, bonuses may be available.

If you have friends who have snakes, or at least understand the lifestyle, see if you can't "pawn" one of yours. Make up a contract with a timeline to pay them back, and that until that date (or beforehand with your explicit permission) they are not to sell it. Offer to pay back the amount in full as well as maintenance costs for that time (food, electricity, etc.).

Addiction is a disease, and his chemical imbalance is not his fault. He does, however, need to be accountable for his actions. Likewise, his relapses are not your fault. You can't blame yourself for his screw-ups. But you should do everything you can to keep from enabling him. If it gets to be too much, you have to look out for you and yours, and walk away. At the end of the day, his sobriety is only contingent on himself. He's only thinking of himself when he chooses to start using drugs again, and no one will blame you for protecting yourself by leaving.

I hope you find this helpful. If you want to talk about it, don't hesitate to PM me. I certainly could've used a shoulder to lean on when I was in your shoes. I know my post sounds negative, but I truly do hope that you guys work things out.

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Originally Posted by Norsejeff

If you haven't eaten in 3 days, what are you feeding HIM? He probably needs the weed to be able to stomach the ketchup and crackers you are forcing him scavenge for by not cooking regular meals.

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Wow! Talk about being an insensitive jerk! Maybe she could cook him regular meals if he wasn't being a self centered ass and spending the grocery money, so that he can get his wittle high.

Really?

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Originally Posted by rabernet

Wow! Talk about being an insensitive jerk! Maybe she could cook him regular meals if he wasn't being a self centered ass and spending the grocery money, so that he can get his wittle high.

Really?

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If you would have read a bit further on, I apologized to her for being offensive and offered her some sound advice.

I read a few pages. Skipped a few pages.

My advice ignores the husband situation completely:

Find a way to reduce your bills. I realize we are all individuals with different life needs, but I've lived on $600 a month, and had food to eat every day, while driving 20 minutes each way to my job. When life comes down hard, you find ways to accommodate. $1200 a month would have been easy.

It's always worth shopping around for somewhere cheaper to live.

It's always worth taking a look at monthly costs and seeing if there's anything on that list you can do without or choose a cheaper option.

The best advice I can give that does take the husband issue into account:

Open your own bank account. Deposit all your income into it. Don't give him access to it.

I have to say I don't believe addiction is a disease but rather a bad choice that became a habit! Disease is something you can't help...cancer is a disease... drugs are a choice with a bad outcome.

To the OP, I'm sorry your in the position you are in. I hope everything works out for you!

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Originally Posted by Norsejeff

Who suggested enabling him? I'm just being the lone compassionate voice in this thread so the OP doesn't end her entire marriage because 30 people on some forum keep telling her her husband is willingly being a scum bag.

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A different perspective - I was married to an addict (pills) for ten years, together for fifteen. I won't give a laundry list of the strain the addiction put on our life, financially and emotionally. He promised to "just stop". You know how that goes. He promised to get professional help. He never did. I always thought I just needed to love him more. It became my self imposed responsibility to make him happy so he wouldn't need to seek happiness in a handful of ------- (insert any RX narcotic, he wasn't picky). Yeah, that doesn't fix it either.

Finally, I did leave. Of course the drugs alone didn't make me make that choice, but I believe they led to the other behaviors that contributed to my finally accepting that I was going to sink or swim.

That was almost 5 years ago and word from friends/family is that he hasn't touched a drug since I left him. He's had the same job (2 years Max when we were married), he has a fiancée who can't even fathom why someone would leave such a wonderful man. He even got custody of a daughter he fathered via one-night-stand early in our relationship.

Do I wish he would have changed his life before he wrecked a train in mine? Of course. But things don't always work out the way we want. In the end, I had to go. In doing so, I helped him make the choice to get his act together. Now someone else can have a healthy relationship with him and he has a clear understanding of the consequences of his choices. I believe he will make his next wife very happy.

Compassion, support, and help don't always come in the form of standing by your man. Tough love has a place. Giving up your life to save yourself and someone you love, even if it means you won't be together, is definitely not a lack of compassion.

People are telling her to save HERSELF and if she does, she might save him too.

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Originally Posted by BrandiR

A different perspective - I was married to an addict (pills) for ten years, together for fifteen. I won't give a laundry list of the strain the addiction put on our life, financially and emotionally. He promised to "just stop". You know how that goes. He promised to get professional help. He never did. I always thought I just needed to love him more. It became my self imposed responsibility to make him happy so he wouldn't need to seek happiness in a handful of ------- (insert any RX narcotic, he wasn't picky). Yeah, that doesn't fix it either.

Finally, I did leave. Of course the drugs alone didn't make me make that choice, but I believe they led to the other behaviors that contributed to my finally accepting that I was going to sink or swim.

That was almost 5 years ago and word from friends/family is that he hasn't touched a drug since I left him. He's had the same job (2 years Max when we were married), he has a fiancée who can't even fathom why someone would leave such a wonderful man. He even got custody of a daughter he fathered via one-night-stand early in our relationship.

Do I wish he would have changed his life before he wrecked a train in mine? Of course. But things don't always work out the way we want. In the end, I had to go. In doing so, I helped him make the choice to get his act together. Now someone else can have a healthy relationship with him and he has a clear understanding of the consequences of his choices. I believe he will make his next wife very happy.

Compassion, support, and help don't always come in the form of standing by your man. Tough love has a place. Giving up your life to save yourself and someone you love, even if it means you won't be together, is definitely not a lack of compassion.

People are telling her to save HERSELF and if she does, she might save him too.

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I advised the OP get him into treatment asap multiple times. If he won't go and get sober then he is content with losing her and she doesn't have to stick around.... I never even suggested she should never leave no matter what... I was simply saying out of the love a woman has for her husband, she should at least attempt to get him into recovery and not just leave without a fight.

Not quite sure why everyone is so upset with me but I expect most are just replying to select posts instead of reading them all in their entirety and in their correct context.

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Originally Posted by Norsejeff

I advised the OP get him into treatment asap multiple times. If he won't go and get sober then he is content with losing her and she doesn't have to stick around.... I never even suggested she should never leave no matter what... I was simply saying out of the love a woman has for her husband, she should at least attempt to get him into recovery and not just leave without a fight.

Not quite sure why everyone is so upset with me but I expect most are just replying to select posts instead of reading them all in their entirety and in their correct context.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note

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At the same time, out of love for his wife, he should want to get clean on his own... like a grown man... responsible for his own actions. He should care that his actions and choices are hurting her in more ways then one. Like others have said, she isn't his mom. He isn't a child and needs to take responsibility for his actions! Its not her fault he makes bad decisions!

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Originally Posted by Norsejeff

I advised the OP get him into treatment asap multiple times. If he won't go and get sober then he is content with losing her and she doesn't have to stick around.... I never even suggested she should never leave no matter what... I was simply saying out of the love a woman has for her husband, she should at least attempt to get him into recovery and not just leave without a fight.

Not quite sure why everyone is so upset with me but I expect most are just replying to select posts instead of reading them all in their entirety and in their correct context.

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I don't get the impression that everyone is upset with you. Some were after your original remark because that was a bonehead thing to say, especially coming from someone who would later bring up compassion.

Otherwise, I just see an exchange of opinions.

In fact, you made a comment about 30 people telling her to end her marriage because her husband's a scum bag. Actually, I specifically suggested that she NOT make such a choice based on outside input. Others didn't offer any advice at all, just concern. And some even pointed out that the issue is less his personal problems and more their mutual financial irresponsibility.

I think we're all guilty of just skimming some of the longer posts.

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Originally Posted by ktaylor89

At the same time, out of love for his wife, he should want to get clean on his own... like a grown man... responsible for his own actions. He should care that his actions and choices are hurting her in more ways then one. Like others have said, she isn't his mom. He isn't a child and needs to take responsibility for his actions! Its not her fault he makes bad decisions!

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You people sure like putting words in my mouth. Yes, he should want to get clean on his own but it seems, from the way Im reading the OP, this is a very new (only a couple of months old) relapse. He's most likely still in the euphoric stage where he thinks he's got it under control this time. She hasn't even confronted him with his supposed relapse back into meth and everyone here is already telling her to get a divorce! All I'm trying to say is give the guy a chance. Jeeze

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Originally Posted by Norsejeff

I advised the OP get him into treatment asap multiple times. If he won't go and get sober then he is content with losing her and she doesn't have to stick around.... I never even suggested she should never leave no matter what... I was simply saying out of the love a woman has for her husband, she should at least attempt to get him into recovery and not just leave without a fight.

Not quite sure why everyone is so upset with me but I expect most are just replying to select posts instead of reading them all in their entirety and in their correct context.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note

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I think your first post did upset a lot of people, but I think people are also upset about the fact that the OP says she hasn't eaten in 3 days (possibly 4 now). I think there is a lot to this situation that we don't know but given what has been told to us by the OP it sounds like there are things that need to change.

I get that you are trying to show a different perspective but she needs to look out for herself first. It doesn't sound like she is in a position where she can help him. I think people would be offering different advice if she wasn't starving and worry about being able to pay rent.

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Originally Posted by Kinra

I think your first post did upset a lot of people, but I think people are also upset about the fact that the OP says she hasn't eaten in 3 days (possibly 4 now). I think there is a lot to this situation that we don't know but given what has been told to us by the OP it sounds like there are things that need to change.

I get that you are trying to show a different perspective but she needs to look out for herself first. It doesn't sound like she is in a position where she can help him. I think people would be offering different advice if she wasn't starving and worry about being able to pay rent.

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Yea admittedly I forgot about the not eating for days bit. That just doesn't register with me when a box of Ramon is like 7 cents. If he's somehow actually abusing her by not allowing her to eat then yes, she needs to look out for her safety first, obviously.

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Originally Posted by Norsejeff

You people sure like putting words in my mouth. Yes, he should want to get clean on his own but it seems, from the way Im reading the OP, this is a very new (only a couple of months old) relapse. He's most likely still in the euphoric stage where he thinks he's got it under control this time. She hasn't even confronted him with his supposed relapse back into meth and everyone here is already telling her to get a divorce! All I'm trying to say is give the guy a chance. Jeeze

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note

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Im not putting words in anyone's mouth, just offering another point of view. You seem to think, from your post, that she isn't compassionate enough towards her husband or doing enough to help him because he is the victim here and I happen to think that he's in fact not. He is old enough to know that meth, even a little bit, is not smart or responsible. He knows better. Like someone with cardiac issues knows that greasy foods, even a little, can have very negative consequences but chooses to eat it anyways because they crave it. Its no different...in both situations the person knows better but doesn't care in the moment...

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Originally Posted by Norsejeff

Yea admittedly I forgot about the not eating for days bit. That just doesn't register with me when a box of Ramon is like 7 cents. If he's somehow actually abusing her by not allowing her to eat then yes, she needs to look out for her safety first, obviously.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note

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Do you not see the mental abuse she is taking? Obviously you've never been on the other side of the addict table. You've never been the caregiver that has to suffer for a "loved one". It's a lot harder than you think and guess what else, unlike the addict's choice to start using drugs, the caregiver has no choice in the matter. It is thrown in their lap with no say so. So, her walking away to take care of herself instead of a junkie, IMO, is the smartest move for her. I'm not saying she shouldn't help him. But how can you pull someone from the bottom if you down there wit them?

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Originally Posted by BrandiR

That was almost 5 years ago and word from friends/family is that he hasn't touched a drug since I left him. He's had the same job (2 years Max when we were married), he has a fiancée who can't even fathom why someone would leave such a wonderful man. He even got custody of a daughter he fathered via one-night-stand early in our relationship.

Do I wish he would have changed his life before he wrecked a train in mine? Of course. But things don't always work out the way we want. In the end, I had to go. In doing so, I helped him make the choice to get his act together. Now someone else can have a healthy relationship with him and he has a clear understanding of the consequences of his choices. I believe he will make his next wife very happy.

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My pivotal moment was at Christmas where my sister drove off in the middle of a snow storm and told me and my mom that she wasn't talking to either of us until I was clean.

A month later I was clean and have not even considered relapse. I'm never risking losing my family again.

Hun, I've read through this thread. It took me a little while, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't repeating myself or saying something that has already been said over and over.

Yes, rehab is a good choice, and one that has been suggested. However, if you have ever been on the side of trying to get an addict to go to rehab, you know how hard that is as well. You cannot force someone to go. Deep down, they have to want to go. If they don't see it as a serious problem, they will promise you that they will change and, in doing so, will dodge rehab. So while that is a valid suggestion, I doubt it will be successful in this situation.

We can only control ourselves. We cannot make choices for other people. We can support or not support someone. When broken down, that's what it gets down to. By living with him and providing him with money, you are indirectly supporting him. By walking away, you are no longer supporting him. It's the messy details in the center that make these choices so hard.

I was in an abusive relationship. Only my ex boyfriend's drug of choice was women. Mhmm. He turned to outside sources in our relationship, which isn't unlike turning to drugs. Even though he would come home to me, he didn't want to be with me. There's a difference. If you guys haven't slept in the same room for 2 months, there's a problem. If you can't even talk about money, there's a problem. If there is belittling or accusations going on, there's a problem.

The best thing I did in my life was walk away from that situation. I've heard it all before. I'll change, I'll stop, I'll stop taking money from you, I just need help, it's not my fault, I still love you, I'd do anything for us, I have a problem and need help, I don't want to lose you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry....

Problem is, unless a person is showing you that, then words are just that. Words. They aren't actions. Actions are what define us as a character. Do you hold a door for someone, or not? In that moment, I can tell what kind of person you are. No words required.

By him taking money from you repeatedly, he is telling you what kind of person he is in this moment.

Does that mean he's a bad person? Maybe. Maybe not. Does this mean he'll never change? No, he probably can change. Is he being hurtful at this point in time? Yes.

So while you do love him, you want him to get better and want things the way they were, that's not what you are getting right now. Could he change in the future? Yes, he could. But is he treating you badly now because of it? Yes, he is.

So unless you make a change, he likely won't. He'll probably continue with how things are going now until something drastic snaps him out of it.

Tell him you are leaving, and leave, until he cleans up his act.

If he does, then you know he thinks you're worth it.

If he doesn't, then there was likely nothing you could do anyway and likely avoided a bad situation by walking.

I wouldn't recommend to anyone to break up with someone they live with, or who they love. However, I do believe in putting yourself in the safest situation possible.

You say you are happy 80% of the time. To be honest, in my relationship, I would have said the same.

Looking back, however, and being treated like a princess by my new boyfriend (of 3 years), I realize that I was in major denial. I was more unhappy than I realized in that relationship. I just refused to look past the good times and analyze the negative things.

So take some time, soul search, and make your choice. Ask yousrelf questions such as:

Can I live with this if he doesn't stop? If he doesn't stop, how can I leave?

I am mad at him today. Was I mad at him yesterday, and the day before? How long can I be mad at someone before it's too much?

Would I bring a child into this relationship? If not, then should I really be in this relationship?

Tough questions require tough love. Do what's best for you. And be honest with yourself. It's okay to say you're unhappy, and it's okay to analyze your partner as to possible reasons why that is.

Sorry it haz taken me so long to reply. I work graveyard and I just woke up.

Well just so everyone knows I had a very kind friend at work who bought me a few hot dogs last night so I have eaten now. And a very very kind user on here has offered to send me a few groceries I will not speak names in case he doesnt want it public. I cant thank him enough for his generosity.

All of you thank you to all of you for all your advice.

Here is what happened when I got home this morning. :

I come home to find 3 letters and my husband laying on the bed full in tears (i have never seen this man cry ever). Well I sit next to him and calmly asked him if he was back on meth. He promised he wasnt. I asked again assuring him I would not be angry. He said he promised. I asked him why he had stolen so much money from me and his reply was the first $40 was for pot and when I got angry he had given it all away. The next $20 he stole for ciggarettes and food for himself. He says he lost the other $20. I cant say for not if its true or not but he swears it.

I then told him I no longer trusted him and that I didnt know if I could continue this relationship. He broke down crying asking me not to leave that he needed me, that he loved me. Over and over agaon he said that he was just lost and he needed to find his way again. (my husband has major depression and disassociate identity disorder) he begged me to help him find his way back. So this is where I am now.
I told him I would try that I do love him. But if one sent ever comes up missing again, no if ands or buts I am gone.

Sent from my LS670 using Tapatalk 2

Girl, I really hope yall can work all this mess out. I hope he can find the right path and get straight. I will pray for ya girl just hang in there if you really love him it is worth the second shot. Txt if ya need anything you know I live far from ya but I can still talk to ya

As horrible as it is to see a man cry, it actually sounds like he is putting some pressure on himself now about this issue. It means he realizes there's something wrong, and feeling it.

I think your approach to this situation was perfect, and your responses to him were spot on. It leaves everything in his hands, so he has to make these choices from now on. I agree, if money ever goes missing again, then that's his way of choosing his own fate.

I'm proud of you, even if that pride is just from some random stranger on the internet :)

I hope you two can both find your feet together again.

Thank you so much for the encouragement.

Sent from my LS670 using Tapatalk 2

Well, it's good to hear he's bringing it on himself to change.

I'm not sure about anyone else, but me personally I'm in a...high risk? High...danger job where I can get hurt easily. When and if I do, the first thing is a doctor and then I get drug tested. Now, I've never specifically done drugs but I've been around fumes (not like a concert but in the room while it happened) and I did smoke but quit by my own will.

With the knowledge of I could lose my job if I piss test positive, I'm strongly motivated to not do drugs; even in a college atmosphere.

Maybe that's the...situation created by you saying you'll leave if he keeps up. Which, could be a good thing!

You're definitely in my thoughts, girly. Hope everything turns out positive.


Browsing on Tapatalk from my iPhone :)

I am just really glad to see that he is sorry for what he has done instead of ignoring you or brushing you off.

I still think it would be wise to open an account in your name only, and put all your money for bills there to avoid this in the future.

I only have a bank account in my name. I just definetly wont be carrying cash anymore.

Sent from my LS670 using Tapatalk 2

The way the money was spent, doesnt add up...I would ask if he would be willing to go to the doctor and take a drug, if you have a feeling he isnt telling the truth.

Im way too much of a pessimist lol. I wouldnt believe what he said for a second. Im glad to hear you finally ate though. Dont let it get that bad again.:(

MrLang- I agree with everything you said in that long post. :gj:

Im a pessamist too Mike, well actually a realist. We have just been through so much together I need to try to make this work.

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I have the feeling that you won't leave him, not now, not when he steals more, not when he does worse things.

You resisted any advice, dodged the issues and then jumped on the one guy who said "Oh no, don't leave him, you have to help him!" and happily agreed with his statements.

If he really cares about changing, did he agree to go to a rehab program? Did he say "Oh honey, I'll bring food home for you every night" or "I'll give you my full paycheck every week so you can pay the bills and give me an allowance until we're caught up"?

I heard "Oh he cried and said he'd change". Without any solutions, nothing has changed, and nothing will change and you won't leave. If you don't mind him using you to get drugs and have you take care of him while he does whatever he likes, then fine. That's how you want to live your life. That's your choice.

Sorry if it's harsh, but at this point in my life, I'm just plain tired of hearing "Oh, we need to help him!" and hearing cries for help and cries about bad treatment from people who don't want to do anything at all to rectify the situation.

He already does give me his full paycheck everytime he gets paid. He used to give me free food when he could. He got fired for 2 weeks, but got his job back, so his checks are small so we are struggling right now.
If hes not doing meth he doesnt need rehab, but has agreed to go to counseling. Im chosing not to leave my husband over a few bad days when up until 2 weeks ago we were financially stable.
Yes he stole money, it hurt me he feels bad for it and is making it up to me.
He is trying to be better. I did not ignore the advice to leave him. I chose to try to salvage my marriage. I am sorry you dont approve.

Sent from my LS670 using Tapatalk 2

I have to be honest, the description of where the money went is EXACTLY the kind of lie myself and many other addicts I have known would have approached the issue. It's like, textbook. He gave the weed away because he felt bad? That doesn't even make a modicum of sense... 20 bucks for cigs and food? I thought he eats for free at the restaurant he works at. Did he spend the money on a sub at the pizza shop instead of cheap raw ingredients to make multiple meals for the BOTH of you? He lost the other 20? Just fell out of his pocket? Maybe he got pick pocketed and his wallet was robbed clean and put back into his pocket?

Come on... you can believe what you want to believe but only to a certain point. Anyway, good luck with him. I sincerely mean that but definitely have strong doubts based on the content of this thread.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PorcelainxDoll

He already does give me his full paycheck everytime he gets paid. He used to give me free food when he could. He got fired for 2 weeks, but got his job back, so his checks are small so we are struggling right now.
If hes not doing meth he doesnt need rehab, but has agreed to go to counseling. Im chosing not to leave my husband over a few bad days when up until 2 weeks ago we were financially stable.
Yes he stole money, it hurt me he feels bad for it and is making it up to me.
He is trying to be better. I did not ignore the advice to leave him. I chose to try to salvage my marriage. I am sorry you dont approve.

Sent from my LS670 using Tapatalk 2

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At the end of the day you know your situation better than anyone else - despite how well you try to convey it to us, not one person in this thread can give you a clear cut solution to your situation, let alone have a full understanding of it's complexities.

You shouldn't be sorry if others don't approve because it really isn't any of their business anyways.
For the future, you are better off seeking council or guidance from a professional rather than through the forums. Not to say you didn't get sound advice, but you also got a lot of nonsense you didn't need.

I am also glad to hear that a few days (or even weeks) of a rough ride with your hubby isn't grounds for you to ostracize him and part ways. We all have moments of weakness, as well as moments of strength. I would hope that this goes both ways, and if you ever end up wearing down the relationship in the future that he stands by your side as you did for him.

Take care and all the best to you and your marriage.

I wish you the best. The only warning I would like to still point out is that your marriage was driven this low by only a couple of weeks of financial hardship. How will he act next time there are difficulties? Will you be the sole bearer of the struggle then, too? Relationships aren't just about how good things are when times are easy.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TJ_Burton

At the end of the day you know your situation better than anyone else - despite how well you try to convey it to us, not one person in this thread can give you a clear cut solution to your situation, let alone have a full understanding of it's complexities.

You shouldn't be sorry if others don't approve because it really isn't any of their business anyways.
For the future, you are better off seeking council or guidance from a professional rather than through the forums. Not to say you didn't get sound advice, but you also got a lot of nonsense you didn't need.

I am also glad to hear that a few days (or even weeks) of a rough ride with your hubby isn't grounds for you to ostracize him and part ways. We all have moments of weakness, as well as moments of strength. I would hope that this goes both ways, and if you ever end up wearing down the relationship in the future that he stands by your side as you did for him.

It may not be anybody buisness but she asked for advice on the situation making a personal issue into a public one. She stated she didnt have many friends and needed someone to talk to.
What she chooses to do with her life is her choice but I really dont think anyones opinion would have made a difference.


Take care and all the best to you and your marriage.

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- - - Updated - - -

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TJ_Burton

At the end of the day you know your situation better than anyone else - despite how well you try to convey it to us, not one person in this thread can give you a clear cut solution to your situation, let alone have a full understanding of it's complexities.

You shouldn't be sorry if others don't approve because it really isn't any of their business anyways.
For the future, you are better off seeking council or guidance from a professional rather than through the forums. Not to say you didn't get sound advice, but you also got a lot of nonsense you didn't need.

I am also glad to hear that a few days (or even weeks) of a rough ride with your hubby isn't grounds for you to ostracize him and part ways. We all have moments of weakness, as well as moments of strength. I would hope that this goes both ways, and if you ever end up wearing down the relationship in the future that he stands by your side as you did for him.

It may not be anybody buisness but she asked for advice on the situation making a personal issue into a public one. She stated she didnt have many friends and needed someone to talk to.
What she chooses to do with her life is her choice but I really dont think anyones opinion would have made a difference.


Take care and all the best to you and your marriage.

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- - - Updated - - -

She made it a personal matter into a public one by choosing to ask what she should do or what people thought on the matter.
I dont think anyones advice would have made a difference anyways because its seems like she has her mind set on what she thinks she should do and its her life, and she has to live with the choices she has made or makes.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Savannelee

It may not be anybody buisness but she asked for advice on the situation making a personal issue into a public one. She stated she didnt have many friends and needed someone to talk to.
What she chooses to do with her life is her choice but I really dont think anyones opinion would have made a difference.

She made it a personal matter into a public one by choosing to ask what she should do or what people thought on the matter.
I dont think anyones advice would have made a difference anyways because its seems like she has her mind set on what she thinks she should do and its her life, and she has to live with the choices she has made or makes.

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You need to learn how to quote people more effectively!

That aside,
What exactly was your goal with this post? Stating the obvious for the OP to see? Are you trying to make the OP feel responsible or liable for any 'less than helpful' posts in this thread? Should she feel responsible for the actions and opinions of others in this thread? Are you trying to make her feel like you believe the choice she made is wrong? Do you think you know better than her? Are you married to her husband?

At this point, rather than posting things that are potentially going to do more harm than good, or cause turbulence on an already unstable plane, just keep it to yourself. The OP is not responsible for anyone but herself, and she should not feel sorry/badly for making her own choices in her life. Keep in mind, whatever you THINK you know regarding her situation, your likely wrong or missing information.

OP: My advice at this point is to stop responding to this thread. You made your choices for your own reasons, and there is absolutely no need to justify it to anyone here. Your personal life should remain personal. Nobody can tell you the choice you made is wrong, because not one of us knows what is best for you, better than you know for yourself.

God speed.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TJ_Burton

You need to learn how to quote people more effectively!

That aside,
What exactly was your goal with this post? Stating the obvious for the OP to see? Are you trying to make the OP feel responsible or liable for any 'less than helpful' posts in this thread? Should she feel responsible for the actions and opinions of others in this thread? Are you trying to make her feel like you believe the choice she made is wrong? Do you think you know better than her? Are you married to her husband?

At this point, rather than posting things that are potentially going to do more harm than good, or cause turbulence on an already unstable plane, just keep it to yourself. The OP is not responsible for anyone but herself, and she should not feel sorry/badly for making her own choices in her life. Keep in mind, whatever you THINK you know regarding her situation, your likely wrong or missing information.

OP: My advice at this point is to stop responding to this thread. You made your choices for your own reasons, and there is absolutely no need to justify it to anyone here. Your personal life should remain personal. Nobody can tell you the choice you made is wrong, because not one of us knows what is best for you, better than you know for yourself.

God speed.

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Is this better? Am I doing it right??

Yes I was stating the obvious...Dont ask for an opinion if you dont want to hear it, or its not what you were expecting to hear. Everybody has an opinion, weather you like it or not.
I dont know if the choice she made was wrong but im sure she will be able to decide that for herself one day. No im not married to her husband and personally I wouldnt marry a felon or a drug addict but thats me, then you wonder why he steals from you? I think his past speaks for itself. BUT people can change and I really hope he does.
And who are you to tell me what I can and cannot say??

Anyways good luck in life, hope everything works out.