Sometimes I hate him!

[ktaylor89]

I have to say I don't believe addiction is a disease but rather a bad choice that became a habit! Disease is something you can't help...cancer is a disease... drugs are a choice with a bad outcome.

To the OP, I'm sorry your in the position you are in. I hope everything works out for you!

[BrandiR]

Who suggested enabling him? I'm just being the lone compassionate voice in this thread so the OP doesn't end her entire marriage because 30 people on some forum keep telling her her husband is willingly being a scum bag.

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A different perspective - I was married to an addict (pills) for ten years, together for fifteen. I won't give a laundry list of the strain the addiction put on our life, financially and emotionally. He promised to "just stop". You know how that goes. He promised to get professional help. He never did. I always thought I just needed to love him more. It became my self imposed responsibility to make him happy so he wouldn't need to seek happiness in a handful of ------- (insert any RX narcotic, he wasn't picky). Yeah, that doesn't fix it either.

Finally, I did leave. Of course the drugs alone didn't make me make that choice, but I believe they led to the other behaviors that contributed to my finally accepting that I was going to sink or swim.

That was almost 5 years ago and word from friends/family is that he hasn't touched a drug since I left him. He's had the same job (2 years Max when we were married), he has a fiancée who can't even fathom why someone would leave such a wonderful man. He even got custody of a daughter he fathered via one-night-stand early in our relationship.

Do I wish he would have changed his life before he wrecked a train in mine? Of course. But things don't always work out the way we want. In the end, I had to go. In doing so, I helped him make the choice to get his act together. Now someone else can have a healthy relationship with him and he has a clear understanding of the consequences of his choices. I believe he will make his next wife very happy.

Compassion, support, and help don't always come in the form of standing by your man. Tough love has a place. Giving up your life to save yourself and someone you love, even if it means you won't be together, is definitely not a lack of compassion.

People are telling her to save HERSELF and if she does, she might save him too.

[Norsejeff]

A different perspective - I was married to an addict (pills) for ten years, together for fifteen. I won't give a laundry list of the strain the addiction put on our life, financially and emotionally. He promised to "just stop". You know how that goes. He promised to get professional help. He never did. I always thought I just needed to love him more. It became my self imposed responsibility to make him happy so he wouldn't need to seek happiness in a handful of ------- (insert any RX narcotic, he wasn't picky). Yeah, that doesn't fix it either.

Finally, I did leave. Of course the drugs alone didn't make me make that choice, but I believe they led to the other behaviors that contributed to my finally accepting that I was going to sink or swim.

That was almost 5 years ago and word from friends/family is that he hasn't touched a drug since I left him. He's had the same job (2 years Max when we were married), he has a fiancée who can't even fathom why someone would leave such a wonderful man. He even got custody of a daughter he fathered via one-night-stand early in our relationship.

Do I wish he would have changed his life before he wrecked a train in mine? Of course. But things don't always work out the way we want. In the end, I had to go. In doing so, I helped him make the choice to get his act together. Now someone else can have a healthy relationship with him and he has a clear understanding of the consequences of his choices. I believe he will make his next wife very happy.

Compassion, support, and help don't always come in the form of standing by your man. Tough love has a place. Giving up your life to save yourself and someone you love, even if it means you won't be together, is definitely not a lack of compassion.

People are telling her to save HERSELF and if she does, she might save him too.

I advised the OP get him into treatment asap multiple times. If he won't go and get sober then he is content with losing her and she doesn't have to stick around.... I never even suggested she should never leave no matter what... I was simply saying out of the love a woman has for her husband, she should at least attempt to get him into recovery and not just leave without a fight.

Not quite sure why everyone is so upset with me but I expect most are just replying to select posts instead of reading them all in their entirety and in their correct context.

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[ktaylor89]

I advised the OP get him into treatment asap multiple times. If he won't go and get sober then he is content with losing her and she doesn't have to stick around.... I never even suggested she should never leave no matter what... I was simply saying out of the love a woman has for her husband, she should at least attempt to get him into recovery and not just leave without a fight.

Not quite sure why everyone is so upset with me but I expect most are just replying to select posts instead of reading them all in their entirety and in their correct context.

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At the same time, out of love for his wife, he should want to get clean on his own... like a grown man... responsible for his own actions. He should care that his actions and choices are hurting her in more ways then one. Like others have said, she isn't his mom. He isn't a child and needs to take responsibility for his actions! Its not her fault he makes bad decisions!

[BrandiR]

I advised the OP get him into treatment asap multiple times. If he won't go and get sober then he is content with losing her and she doesn't have to stick around.... I never even suggested she should never leave no matter what... I was simply saying out of the love a woman has for her husband, she should at least attempt to get him into recovery and not just leave without a fight.

Not quite sure why everyone is so upset with me but I expect most are just replying to select posts instead of reading them all in their entirety and in their correct context.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note

I don't get the impression that everyone is upset with you. Some were after your original remark because that was a bonehead thing to say, especially coming from someone who would later bring up compassion.

Otherwise, I just see an exchange of opinions.

In fact, you made a comment about 30 people telling her to end her marriage because her husband's a scum bag. Actually, I specifically suggested that she NOT make such a choice based on outside input. Others didn't offer any advice at all, just concern. And some even pointed out that the issue is less his personal problems and more their mutual financial irresponsibility.

I think we're all guilty of just skimming some of the longer posts.

[Norsejeff]

At the same time, out of love for his wife, he should want to get clean on his own... like a grown man... responsible for his own actions. He should care that his actions and choices are hurting her in more ways then one. Like others have said, she isn't his mom. He isn't a child and needs to take responsibility for his actions! Its not her fault he makes bad decisions!

You people sure like putting words in my mouth. Yes, he should want to get clean on his own but it seems, from the way Im reading the OP, this is a very new (only a couple of months old) relapse. He's most likely still in the euphoric stage where he thinks he's got it under control this time. She hasn't even confronted him with his supposed relapse back into meth and everyone here is already telling her to get a divorce! All I'm trying to say is give the guy a chance. Jeeze

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[Kinra]

I advised the OP get him into treatment asap multiple times. If he won't go and get sober then he is content with losing her and she doesn't have to stick around.... I never even suggested she should never leave no matter what... I was simply saying out of the love a woman has for her husband, she should at least attempt to get him into recovery and not just leave without a fight.

Not quite sure why everyone is so upset with me but I expect most are just replying to select posts instead of reading them all in their entirety and in their correct context.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note

I think your first post did upset a lot of people, but I think people are also upset about the fact that the OP says she hasn't eaten in 3 days (possibly 4 now). I think there is a lot to this situation that we don't know but given what has been told to us by the OP it sounds like there are things that need to change.

I get that you are trying to show a different perspective but she needs to look out for herself first. It doesn't sound like she is in a position where she can help him. I think people would be offering different advice if she wasn't starving and worry about being able to pay rent.

[Norsejeff]

I think your first post did upset a lot of people, but I think people are also upset about the fact that the OP says she hasn't eaten in 3 days (possibly 4 now). I think there is a lot to this situation that we don't know but given what has been told to us by the OP it sounds like there are things that need to change.

I get that you are trying to show a different perspective but she needs to look out for herself first. It doesn't sound like she is in a position where she can help him. I think people would be offering different advice if she wasn't starving and worry about being able to pay rent.

Yea admittedly I forgot about the not eating for days bit. That just doesn't register with me when a box of Ramon is like 7 cents. If he's somehow actually abusing her by not allowing her to eat then yes, she needs to look out for her safety first, obviously.

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[ktaylor89]

You people sure like putting words in my mouth. Yes, he should want to get clean on his own but it seems, from the way Im reading the OP, this is a very new (only a couple of months old) relapse. He's most likely still in the euphoric stage where he thinks he's got it under control this time. She hasn't even confronted him with his supposed relapse back into meth and everyone here is already telling her to get a divorce! All I'm trying to say is give the guy a chance. Jeeze

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Im not putting words in anyone's mouth, just offering another point of view. You seem to think, from your post, that she isn't compassionate enough towards her husband or doing enough to help him because he is the victim here and I happen to think that he's in fact not. He is old enough to know that meth, even a little bit, is not smart or responsible. He knows better. Like someone with cardiac issues knows that greasy foods, even a little, can have very negative consequences but chooses to eat it anyways because they crave it. Its no different...in both situations the person knows better but doesn't care in the moment...

[ChrisS]

Yea admittedly I forgot about the not eating for days bit. That just doesn't register with me when a box of Ramon is like 7 cents. If he's somehow actually abusing her by not allowing her to eat then yes, she needs to look out for her safety first, obviously.

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Do you not see the mental abuse she is taking? Obviously you've never been on the other side of the addict table. You've never been the caregiver that has to suffer for a "loved one". It's a lot harder than you think and guess what else, unlike the addict's choice to start using drugs, the caregiver has no choice in the matter. It is thrown in their lap with no say so. So, her walking away to take care of herself instead of a junkie, IMO, is the smartest move for her. I'm not saying she shouldn't help him. But how can you pull someone from the bottom if you down there wit them?