Being married vs. being single

I feel out of place lol I married my high school sweetheart. He was the guy I was with all throughout highschool starting from my freshman year we even graduated together. I guess after being with him the whole time I suppose my goal was to marry him even at 17...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jbean7916

While Mr. Slim might be out milking cows in his old age, that might not be your thing at 75.

---

At 75, I'll be happy to just find the field, never mind the cows...;)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dracoluna

As for Slim's lifestyle choice, I have a great guy friend who lives the same way. It works for him though I would recommend staying away from the married ones if you go that direction. It involves fewer weapons being pointed at you. ;)

---

Been There. Done That. Nothing puts a damper on romance quicker than the sound of close proximity small arms fire...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rob

X2 Uconn is a amazing place.

---

#1 party school in the country!

A studious star pupil like myself though of course only knows it as a place of higher academic learning. ;)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Slim

Been There. Done That. Nothing puts a damper on romance quicker than the sound of close proximity small arms fire...

---

That all depends. Sometimes my wife and I go to the range together, and it doesn't seem to dampen our romance any, but somehow I don't think that's quite what you meant...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Raptor

I've tried, I've failed, I'm not interested in it.

---

At 24, you've barely scratched the surface. :)

If the right person enters your life when you least expect it, you'll be amazed by how differently you'll feel.

Though I can understand given the example your mother set, why you would feel the way that you do.

Doesn't every teenager decide they'll never marry, at some point? lol.... That's not talking down. I did the same thing. The problem is, physiologically speaking, you aren't an adult, yet. Your brain is still growing, and your body and hormonal systems are still developing. The decisions you make now are no more the decisions of an adult than the ones you made when you were 5. (They're different, but they're not adult).

I realize it's daunting to consider that who you are as a person isn't yet set in stone, but there it is. I recommend not holding yourself to anything you consider at this age, because you are going to change your mind when you're more mature.

Now, as for marriage--I am married. Marriage in this day and age is a convenience for tax purposes, and a cheap way to ensure your kids all have the same last name.

The commitment you make to another person has nothing to do with the institution, which binds you financially and legally, and that is all.

Why would people choose to do this? For some, it's an outward declaration of their personal commitment to another person--which is something you will not be able to understand until you fall in love for the first time. (That may not happen until you're 20 or more--I never fell in love until I was in my early 20s). When you're in love with someone, you don't want to mess around with anyone else, anyhow. (If you do, then only date swingers or people who are into open relationships, lol).

It's increasingly difficult to live alone these days, particularly when you are first starting out. If you don't live with a mate, you'll be living with roomates. Sharing the financial burden makes a world of difference. It certainly is not easier to succeed without that. You see, you won't be saving money for another person, they'll have their own job, and will be contributing money.

That's the way it works in the US, anyhow, at least most of the time. I'm sure it's very different in India.

As for children--perhaps you'll want to pass on your legacy one day, and perhaps you won't, but that has nothing to do with marriage.

Marriage is what you decide to make of it. It can be a tax convenience on paper, or a deep commitment. You can have a deep commitment without it, too. One day, chances are, you will want a deep commitment. Don't hold to the idea that marriage ties you down--it does whatever you and your mate decide it does, and nothing more.

Marriage declares to the government "we're living together, and sharing all of our financial burdens, so tax us differently". That's all it is--a marriage of your finances to those of another person.

ANYTHING else is up to you and your partner.

As for happiness, happiness is whatever you decide it is, but mother nature always wins--don't dis her, or she will get you, lol.

There are plenty of ugly, surly, socially unfit people out there who are in stable, loving relationships. There's someone for everyone, if they keep looking.

Don't make it a life goal to find 'the one', or declare that you never will. That would take all the fun out of life. Just wait and see what happens. You can't predict how you will react in a situation you've never been in before.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by rabernet

At 24, you've barely scratched the surface. :)

If the right person enters your life when you least expect it, you'll be amazed by how differently you'll feel.

Though I can understand given the example your mother set, why you would feel the way that you do.

---

Actually, that came about due to the only guy that's ever showed interest in me only doing so that I'd help him pass a class. Once he did, he moved on to a different woman. Not quite the best way to end the first semester of college. He ignored me at college, ignored any attempt at me wanting to hang out, and was only interested in me being his personal secretary while he went and partied all weekend. No thanks.

Any attempts on my part to connect with males my own age results in being ignored or flat out lied to.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Raptor

Actually, that came about due to the only guy that's ever showed interest in me only doing so that I'd help him pass a class. Once he did, he moved on to a different woman. Not quite the best way to end the first semester of college. He ignored me at college, ignored any attempt at me wanting to hang out, and was only interested in me being his personal secretary while he went and partied all weekend. No thanks.

Any attempts on my part to connect with males my own age results in being ignored or flat out lied to.

---

Sounds like you've just been unlucky. I don't in any way mean to minimize the pain that it has caused you, but you need to know that not every guy in the world is a jerk. I'm not saying you need to change your negative opinion of marriage or guys in an instant (or at all), but maybe it'd be appropriate to at least give people a chance to show you their character going forward. If person x is a jerk, move on, and quickly. Person y, z, a, b, or c might not be a jerk, however, and assuming they *all* will be awful to you shortchanges both them and you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Raptor

Actually, that came about due to the only guy that's ever showed interest in me only doing so that I'd help him pass a class. Once he did, he moved on to a different woman. Not quite the best way to end the first semester of college. He ignored me at college, ignored any attempt at me wanting to hang out, and was only interested in me being his personal secretary while he went and partied all weekend. No thanks.

Any attempts on my part to connect with males my own age results in being ignored or flat out lied to.

---

Now I know a lot of people that have had similar feelings, myself included for a time. I learned something very quickly though that helped me out.

"If you want things to change you need to start by changing yourself!"

People that constantly blame people of the opposite sex for not wanting to pay attention to them may have to make a change to get people of the opposite sex attracted to them.

A 25+ year old guy living in his parents basement, working as a pizza delivery man, about 100 lbs over weight, that spends all day playing X-box or Role play games with his buds, and driving a 1989 Toyota Tercel needs to start thinking about changing himself to become someone women will be interested in!

If you are constantly attracting the wrong people of the opposite sex, maybe you need to change where you hang out or how you come across. If a girl comes across frumpy and boring guys don't want to hang around with them cause it is like being neutered. If she comes across as easy, only the guys that are looking at tonight are going to be interested.

Might be a little blunt, but it is true!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Slim

There are far too many cows out there giving away the milk for free, and at my age, none of them want to get married either ;)

I say do whatever the heck you want to do, until you want to do something else, then do that.

The best plan I've ever had in life was no plan at all :)

---

Ok, so I read this entire thread, trying not to respond to this, but I can't resist any longer... Why would these clever ladies buy the whole pig when they can get the sausage for free? :D

But to the OP's questions and Slim's point - What does this even have to be a decision? Why shouldn't we just live our lives in a way that makes us happy and doesn't hurt anyone else? If we fall in love and want to get married, who cares about some "decision" we made when we were 17? If we fall in love and don't get married, who cares what our parents' generations before us thought was "proper"? I turned 30 last weekend and live with my boyfriend. It's been the most tumultuous relationship of my life, but the good keeps outweighing the bad, and the bad keeps getting better. Will I marry this guy? I don't know. I'm/We're not ready now, and that's all that matters right now.

Annarose15, that is just about the most level-headed, mature outlook on the topic that I've ever seen.

I'll try to keep this brief, as a variety of people have already commented on this very interesting discussion.

At 16, I never wanted to get married. At 16, I was in a relationship with a guy. By age 21, I had a bit of change of heart. The person I was with, however, stated very clearly that he would never marry me, or anyone. A few months later, I found out he had been cheating on me with a co-worker for the past year and they were expecting a baby. When I found out and he broke up with me, I found out that a few weeks later, he'd proposed to said girl. I felt very very slighted. Especially after I checked my bank accounts and found them empty. It was a horrible situation. Ruined my trust in a variety of people.

I spent the next year pretty much away from everyone. Friends, family... It was 'Me' time. Got stronger despite everything that happened. And then I randomly met the most amazing person on an online forum. Everything about him mirrored my views, my quirks. We started sending e-mails... then texting. He had just finished going through something almost identical to what I went through with my ex, so we had a lot of common ground. Understanding and supportive. When I finally met him, it was like I'd known him my whole life. Yet I still had butterflies like crazy and he made me feel completely special.

I've been with him for over two years now. It may not sound like a long time to most standards, but every meaningful relationship starts somewhere. Recently he's been bringing up the topic of getting married... Subtly, coyly. Little comments. Just hints of it, smiling at me before he quickly changes the topic.

It's not about 'Why' you should get married. It should start with a feeling. Some people just should not get married. Period. And others... Others make it look like the most wonderful thing in the world. It's about perspective, and understanding what you want in life. If there comes a time where you both agree that that's something you'd love to do, to share, then that's what makes it beautiful. It's not marriage that people are looking for. Underneath all of that, they're just looking to be with someone in a meaningful and loving way. Some people rush into it, almost as if marriage will bring them happiness. Not always the case. You see unhappy married couples all the time. But, when you see a happy couple (married or not), it's different.

For me, I could easily live with my boyfriend for the forseeable future. Just thinking of it makes me smile. If we were to get married, it's not because we have to. It would be because that's what's meaningful for us.

I'm only 13 & I know things will change, but I can't stand the presence of another person in my personal space, sharing things with other people, or touching other people. So, no & for the most part I'm asexual & tend to stay that way for the rest of my life, but I know things change, I will change. People cause pain, & to me, that is the main reason I don't like people. :|

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by olstyn

Sounds like you've just been unlucky. I don't in any way mean to minimize the pain that it has caused you, but you need to know that not every guy in the world is a jerk. I'm not saying you need to change your negative opinion of marriage or guys in an instant (or at all), but maybe it'd be appropriate to at least give people a chance to show you their character going forward. If person x is a jerk, move on, and quickly. Person y, z, a, b, or c might not be a jerk, however, and assuming they *all* will be awful to you shortchanges both them and you.

---

Bawha. The good guys are either taken, or aren't local. On the other hand, I can't really see a person's character if they don't bother to return my initial contact.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gloryhound

Now I know a lot of people that have had similar feelings, myself included for a time. I learned something very quickly though that helped me out.

"If you want things to change you need to start by changing yourself!"

People that constantly blame people of the opposite sex for not wanting to pay attention to them may have to make a change to get people of the opposite sex attracted to them.

A 25+ year old guy living in his parents basement, working as a pizza delivery man, about 100 lbs over weight, that spends all day playing X-box or Role play games with his buds, and driving a 1989 Toyota Tercel needs to start thinking about changing himself to become someone women will be interested in!

If you are constantly attracting the wrong people of the opposite sex, maybe you need to change where you hang out or how you come across. If a girl comes across frumpy and boring guys don't want to hang around with them cause it is like being neutered. If she comes across as easy, only the guys that are looking at tonight are going to be interested.

Might be a little blunt, but it is true!

---

I'm not going to change myself to please others. It'd just be lieing more than I already do, and nothing irritates me more than meeting someone who act one way, who turn out to be another. Besides, there isn't much I can do to change the fact that I'm short and look a good deal younger than I am (don't even say make up. I hate the crap).

Frankly, I don't attract any guys (I don't count the jailbait, either), and while I don't talk a huge amount, I do have a pretty decent knowledge of various topics. I also don't really "hang out" anywhere. I go to class, I come home, unless I have to go to the store for whatever reason.

Frankly? Relationships come with a lot of things I'm not interested in, and several of those things are enough to cause guys to lose interest very quickly.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Raptor

I'm not going to change myself to please others. It'd just be lieing more than I already do, and nothing irritates me more than meeting someone who act one way, who turn out to be another. Besides, there isn't much I can do to change the fact that I'm short and look a good deal younger than I am (don't even say make up. I hate the crap).

---

I never said change yourself just to attract another person. I meant change yourself into a better person be it physically, mentally, or emmotionally.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Raptor

Frankly, I don't attract any guys (I don't count the jailbait, either), and while I don't talk a huge amount, I do have a pretty decent knowledge of various topics. I also don't really "hang out" anywhere. I go to class, I come home, unless I have to go to the store for whatever reason.

---

Sorry, no offense is meant, but all I can say is boring.

My wife is short at 5'1" and even though she is 5 years older than me she was the one getting carded when we were dating. She is highly educated with a BA and Masters. Speaks 2 additional languages, Russian and Spanish. Is a black belt in Taekwondo and continues to train in it as well as shurkin ryu. She took State champion in Taekwondo point sparing and forms in 2011. She likes to dance, but thinks flowers are a waist. Likes to travel and meet new people. Also likes working with our python collection along with the rest of the zoo. She also likes to take college classes for fun. Her day is so full I have trouble keeping up with her. She is a Navy Veteran and now is a full time domestic engineer, works part time as a substitute teacher, and keeps up with our animals. She also hates online forums, but I try not to hold that against her. :D

It is a great feeling to be able to brag about your significant other. I just hope I'm interesting enough to her that she can brag about me!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gloryhound

I never said change yourself just to attract another person. I meant change yourself into a better person be it physically, mentally, or emmotionally.

---

There isn't much to improve on. I'm healthy, I'm the proper weight for my height, mentally I have depression but no one knows unless I actually tell them, emotionally well, I don't really have emotions.

Quote:

---

Sorry, no offense is meant, but all I can say is boring.

My wife is short at 5'1" and even though she is 5 years older than me she was the one getting carded when we were dating. She is highly educated with a BA and Masters. Speaks 2 additional languages, Russian and Spanish. Is a black belt in Taekwondo and continues to train in it as well as shurkin ryu. She took State champion in Taekwondo point sparing and forms in 2011. She likes to dance, but thinks flowers are a waist. Likes to travel and meet new people. Also likes working with our python collection along with the rest of the zoo. She also likes to take college classes for fun. Her day is so full I have trouble keeping up with her. She is a Navy Veteran and now is a full time domestic engineer, works part time as a substitute teacher, and keeps up with our animals. She also hates online forums, but I try not to hold that against her. :D

It is a great feeling to be able to brag about your significant other. I just hope I'm interesting enough to her that she can brag about me!

---

Yes, well, not all of us have the money to do all that. So, sorry if I don't meet your definition of "exciting". Also, I'm 4'11" and still pass for 14, which is only good because it's hilarious to see people's jaws drop.

By the way, saying "no offense" doesn't prevent you from offending people. So, thanks for comparing me against a person that's completely different than I am with completely different hobbies and interests. I like to imagine it's like trying to find similarities between an apple and a slice of pizza. They're both food items and that's as far as it goes.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Raptor

Bawha. The good guys are either taken, or aren't local. On the other hand, I can't really see a person's character if they don't bother to return my initial contact.

---

That's a pretty bleak attitude. It's also a blanket statement lacking in detail. Are you using some sort of dating service and people aren't contacting you, or are you talking about people you meet in person through your daily life, or something completely different?

Quote:

---

I'm not going to change myself to please others. It'd just be lieing more than I already do, and nothing irritates me more than meeting someone who act one way, who turn out to be another. Besides, there isn't much I can do to change the fact that I'm short and look a good deal younger than I am (don't even say make up. I hate the crap).

---

What is it that you're lying about now? My baseline thought is that unless you're in the military or one of the federal alphabet soup agencies and need to protect your operational security, there's not much reason to be lying to people. I'm not saying that you should begin a conversation with a new person you've just met by dumping your life history on them, but starting out with lies is never a good idea.

There are plenty of things I don't bring up when I meet new people, depending on the setting, but I don't start things off by lying.

Quote:

---

Frankly? Relationships come with a lot of things I'm not interested in, and several of those things are enough to cause guys to lose interest very quickly.

---

I'm having a hard time not drawing a conclusion about what things about relationships you're uninterested in that make guys lose interest, but I also don't want to assume...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by olstyn

That's a pretty bleak attitude. It's also a blanket statement lacking in detail. Are you using some sort of dating service and people aren't contacting you, or are you talking about people you meet in person through your daily life, or something completely different?

---

I'm talking mostly about real life. I don't do dating services; tried an online relationship and it didn't work out.

Quote:

---

What is it that you're lying about now? My baseline thought is that unless you're in the military or one of the federal alphabet soup agencies and need to protect your operational security, there's not much reason to be lying to people. I'm not saying that you should begin a conversation with a new person you've just met by dumping your life history on them, but starting out with lies is never a good idea.

There are plenty of things I don't bring up when I meet new people, depending on the setting, but I don't start things off by lying.

---

My overall demeanor, having to pretend I have emotions, to pretend I care. To feign I have the ability to connect to people. It's something I've never been able to do, made it a pain as a kid when I was an outsider because of it. I learned to hide it and lie.

Quote:

---

I'm having a hard time not drawing a conclusion about what things about relationships you're uninterested in that make guys lose interest, but I also don't want to assume...

---

You're probably right, but to clarify without getting in trouble, it's what people do, who mostly like each other, to have a good time. Usually in the evening.

I think you guys should back off Raptor and let her live her life however she wants. Just because it sounds to you all like she has this terrible negative outlook on life doesnt mean she actually does. NOT everyone is meant to get married or have kids. I mean to me it sounds like shes perfectly content carrying on without a signifigant other right now. If she changes her mind and chooses that she wants to find one then im sure she'll go out and get one...

Raptor its ok, sometimes i feel like i was born without emotions too. Also when youre old the looking young thing will only benefit you. :gj:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mike41793

I think you guys should back off Raptor and let her live her life however she wants. Just because it sounds to you all like she has this terrible negative outlook on life doesnt mean she actually does. NOT everyone is meant to get married or have kids. I mean to me it sounds like shes perfectly content carrying on without a signifigant other right now. If she changes her mind and chooses that she wants to find one then im sure she'll go out and get one...

Raptor its ok, sometimes i feel like i was born without emotions too. Also when youre old the looking young thing will only benefit you. :gj:

---

I expect it's due to them attempting to wrap their minds around my point of view, which isn't easy. The people who live with me can't. As for emotions, I'm sure I was born with them, I just suspect one of the medications I took went and messed everything up.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Raptor

I expect it's due to them attempting to wrap their minds around my point of view, which isn't easy. The people who live with me can't. As for emotions, I'm sure I was born with them, I just suspect one of the medications I took went and messed everything up.

---

I'll pipe in here :D

Raptor, you sound so much like me when I was younger. Probably from 12-16 or 17, I felt very similarly to you about pretty much everything you brought up. To the point it was uncanny, and I wasn't sure if I should post or not. But I figured I might as well.

Truth was, after kicking my depression (which coincided with this time) and dealing with a pretty crappy hand in life (getting with a guy for 6 years, then having him leave me for his pregnant other girlfriend, but only after emptying my bank accounts), everything just kind of switched over after a while. Almost like a reboot of my system, if you will. Took years, though. I still have moments where I feel extremely disconnected with the world.

Fortunately, I met my other half and we are both very similar. Not huge fans of people, or crowds. Not sure if we want children, or not. This helped, because nobody else up until that point ever 'got me'. He expressed the same thing. So now we have each other to lean on, and understand that we both share similar limitations and desires. Some days, we just do our own thing and don't talk much. Other times, we'll have totally goofy nights where we order pizza and play video games until the wee hours.

Basically, don't worry about it. Whatever it is you feel comfortable with now is what works for you now. If you change later, great. If you don't, great. You're not out to please anybody else. Nobody else is going to look out for you, or go out of their way to make you happy. Maybe someday someone very special might, but no one should ever make you feel like you're 'wrong' right now.

Everyone has those bleak days. Everyone has days when they just want to walk out of their job and say: "I don't want to deal with anybody today." You're just open about that fact, and I think people see that as something to 'help' with or try to 'fix'. In reality, it's their strange way of wanting to help you, by cheering you up or trying to get you out of your 'funk'. Lord knows my mother tried, haha.

But it'll all work out. It's your life. Your comfort zone. You'll realize what makes you happy. And what makes you happy will change as times go on. As long as you're happy with who you are, that's all that counts.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Raptor

I expect it's due to them attempting to wrap their minds around my point of view, which isn't easy. The people who live with me can't. As for emotions, I'm sure I was born with them, I just suspect one of the medications I took went and messed everything up.

---

Join the club. Born without emotions. Reading people is an entirely learned skill for me. I kept my mind open and have a loving wife and a child on the way today. A good percentage of life is our attitude. If you think your going to be alone forever you probably will be. You are short and look young? Look there are all kinds of people in this world. There are people out there that are looking for you exactly but you have to be open to meeting them.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Vasiliki

I'll pipe in here :D

Raptor, you sound so much like me when I was younger. Probably from 12-16 or 17, I felt very similarly to you about pretty much everything you brought up. To the point it was uncanny, and I wasn't sure if I should post or not. But I figured I might as well.

Truth was, after kicking my depression (which coincided with this time) and dealing with a pretty crappy hand in life (getting with a guy for 6 years, then having him leave me for his pregnant other girlfriend, but only after emptying my bank accounts), everything just kind of switched over after a while. Almost like a reboot of my system, if you will. Took years, though. I still have moments where I feel extremely disconnected with the world.

Fortunately, I met my other half and we are both very similar. Not huge fans of people, or crowds. Not sure if we want children, or not. This helped, because nobody else up until that point ever 'got me'. He expressed the same thing. So now we have each other to lean on, and understand that we both share similar limitations and desires. Some days, we just do our own thing and don't talk much. Other times, we'll have totally goofy nights where we order pizza and play video games until the wee hours.

Basically, don't worry about it. Whatever it is you feel comfortable with now is what works for you now. If you change later, great. If you don't, great. You're not out to please anybody else. Nobody else is going to look out for you, or go out of their way to make you happy. Maybe someday someone very special might, but no one should ever make you feel like you're 'wrong' right now.

Everyone has those bleak days. Everyone has days when they just want to walk out of their job and say: "I don't want to deal with anybody today." You're just open about that fact, and I think people see that as something to 'help' with or try to 'fix'. In reality, it's their strange way of wanting to help you, by cheering you up or trying to get you out of your 'funk'. Lord knows my mother tried, haha.

But it'll all work out. It's your life. Your comfort zone. You'll realize what makes you happy. And what makes you happy will change as times go on. As long as you're happy with who you are, that's all that counts.

---

Truthfully, I can't really pinpoint when this happened. As a child, I was fairly happy go lucky, although, I was also on medication then, so for all I know, I might have been born without emotions. Feeling disconnected is something I've always had. I'm able to relate to people who have the same interests, but beyond that, I don't. Something bad happens to them, I don't really have the empathy to feel anything.

Unfortunately, I'm constantly told or its hinted that I'm "wrong". My mother isn't at all happy that I'm single or don't date. It's constantly brought up that she was in her first marriage at my age, and that I need to change my entire wardrobe/wear make up. I'm not opposed to help, it's just frustrating when people try to claim that it's a phase or stage of my life, when in reality I've been like this for a good chunk of my life. It's nothing unusual for me to be told I'm "broken" or that I need to be "fixed".

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Egapal

Join the club. Born without emotions. Reading people is an entirely learned skill for me. I kept my mind open and have a loving wife and a child on the way today. A good percentage of life is our attitude. If you think your going to be alone forever you probably will be. You are short and look young? Look there are all kinds of people in this world. There are people out there that are looking for you exactly but you have to be open to meeting them.

---

I'm not against meeting people. I've had countless people approach me up at college because they were curious about my laptop, curious about a class book I had out, etc. These encounters, in some cases, have resulted in conversations that last an hour or more. I just got tired of trying to reach out to connect to people and getting denied.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Raptor

Truthfully, I can't really pinpoint when this happened. As a child, I was fairly happy go lucky, although, I was also on medication then, so for all I know, I might have been born without emotions. Feeling disconnected is something I've always had. I'm able to relate to people who have the same interests, but beyond that, I don't. Something bad happens to them, I don't really have the empathy to feel anything.

Unfortunately, I'm constantly told or its hinted that I'm "wrong". My mother isn't at all happy that I'm single or don't date. It's constantly brought up that she was in her first marriage at my age, and that I need to change my entire wardrobe/wear make up. I'm not opposed to help, it's just frustrating when people try to claim that it's a phase or stage of my life, when in reality I've been like this for a good chunk of my life. It's nothing unusual for me to be told I'm "broken" or that I need to be "fixed".

I'm not against meeting people. I've had countless people approach me up at college because they were curious about my laptop, curious about a class book I had out, etc. These encounters, in some cases, have resulted in conversations that last an hour or more. I just got tired of trying to reach out to connect to people and getting denied.

---

I'm seeing a couple of different patterns here.

You're expressing 'lack of emotion'. Then that you're not opposed to help. Then you're tired of trying to reach out to connect to people and getting denied.

Sounds like the world has given you some good cause to 'tune them out', if that makes sense. When people push us to do something, it is out immediate reaction to do the opposite. If someone tells us that we NEED to do something right now, there is that fierce independence that flares up when our first thought is: "No!" Sounds to me like with the world pushing you to be something else, they're doing the opposite of helping. Like if you tell a kid every day "Don't you ever smoke." "Why?" "Because I said so!"

My mother used to tell me all the time that I wasn't allowed to drop out of school, ever. At least once a week she would tell me this. And until that point, it hadn't even been a thought. But the more she said it, the more it became apparent in my mind. Every time she told me never to drop out, a part of me was like: "What if I did?"

After a year of being told that, I had a big moment and did drop out of school. I never went back. To say she was unhappy with me was an understatement.

Sounds weird, but I understand exactly where you're coming from. Maybe not the exact situation, but the emotions and people involved trying to 'fix' it. Truth is, you're in control. And maybe that's why they push so hard, becuase you aren't giving in to what they want.

Nothing wrong with having a step back from society. Gives you a different perspective on the world. Just don't stress over them too much. In the end, only you know what's good for yourself. But they need to stop pushing, because it will only negatively affect you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Vasiliki

Everyone has those bleak days. Everyone has days when they just want to walk out of their job and say: "I don't want to deal with anybody today." You're just open about that fact, and I think people see that as something to 'help' with or try to 'fix'. In reality, it's their strange way of wanting to help you, by cheering you up or trying to get you out of your 'funk'. Lord knows my mother tried, haha.

---

Most of my days at work are sorta like this; however, instead of not wanting to deal with them its more like i fantasize about punching through their faces bc theyre so annoying. I work in a kitchen... With big knives... In a nursing home full of old people...

I still dont understand why people have turned this thread into a psych session with Raptor lol, she seems perfectly fine to me... Im a college student too, i know people who are just like her as far as not wanting to reach out to people bc theyve been hurt. I dont usually go out of my way to reach out to people bc i dont trust people in general. Kinda a character flaw on my part maybe, but it just takes alot to earn my trust i guess lol.

I've been married for 22 years. My husband gave up his fear of snakes for me and lets me have iguanas roaming the house.

If you find the right person, you won't lose your freedom. You won't have to give up anything you didn't want in the first place.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Raptor

As for emotions, I'm sure I was born with them, I just suspect one of the medications I took went and messed everything up.

---

I've heard of some categories of antidepressants having that sort of effect. One person I know who's been on them said they basically clamped her emotions to a certain range. She couldn't have any real highs or lows, and was basically stuck on "blah." It's also quite common for them to clamp down on people's desire for "evening activities" as you put it. Getting off of them at least somewhat reversed the situation for my friend.

I can understand where you would feel like you have to lie about that kind of thing. It definitely makes you different from others in a very uncomfortable way. For me, that would probably fall under the category of "don't bring it up right away," which maybe constitutes lying from a certain perspective. (IMO, it doesn't, but I tend to be very private and somewhat compartmentalized, so my view could be a bit off from the average.)

I hope you don't feel like I've been attacking you here, as Mike41793 seems to think. I've truly been trying to understand and help.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mike41793

I still dont understand why people have turned this thread into a psych session with Raptor lol, she seems perfectly fine to me...

---

She commented in the thread and told all of us about her situation, and in my view, at least, sounded pretty depressed, so some of us who are curious by nature and/or generally try to help people tried to:

a) get more info

and

b) see if we could help by discussing it

I'm not really sure why that's hard to understand. :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by theReptileGuy

So, after all my dabbling nonsense, comes the main point(s):

-Are you going to get married or are you going to stay single?
-Do you believe that you have to be married to experience 'true happiness'?
-Do you believe getting married restricts you from doing certain things?

and there's some more, but, I can't think of it. So what's your take on the marriage topic?

---

I am married. I have my freedom. I have my happiness. Marriage should not restrict you from being yourself or doing the things you love to do. When I got married not much changed besides the obvious addition of responsibility and the daily compromise of things like... what side of the bed I will sleep on, or what we will make for dinner, the simple things. Marriage isn't for everyone, but for some it is everything.

When I was 17... I think that marriage was the furthest thing from my mind. Just live dude, you have a long time before you should even be thinking wedding bells... ;)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by olstyn

I've heard of some categories of antidepressants having that sort of effect. One person I know who's been on them said they basically clamped her emotions to a certain range. She couldn't have any real highs or lows, and was basically stuck on "blah." It's also quite common for them to clamp down on people's desire for "evening activities" as you put it. Getting off of them at least somewhat reversed the situation for my friend.

I can understand where you would feel like you have to lie about that kind of thing. It definitely makes you different from others in a very uncomfortable way. For me, that would probably fall under the category of "don't bring it up right away," which maybe constitutes lying from a certain perspective. (IMO, it doesn't, but I tend to be very private and somewhat compartmentalized, so my view could be a bit off from the average.)

I hope you don't feel like I've been attacking you here, as Mike41793 seems to think. I've truly been trying to understand and help.

---

Well, I've also been on and off of them since I was 5ish, so something was bound to get messed up. However, I've been off them since early 2010, which causes me to think that this is just me. Still, given that there is so little known about the mind, it's really hard to say. Overall, I don't feel attacked; if I did, I'd speak up :D

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by olstyn

She commented in the thread and told all of us about her situation, and in my view, at least, sounded pretty depressed, so some of us who are curious by nature and/or generally try to help people tried to:

a) get more info

and

b) see if we could help by discussing it

I'm not really sure why that's hard to understand. :)

---

Nah. If I was depressed I wouldn't have been posting. I supposed that my overall demeanor comes off as depressed when I'm actually more indifferent.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Raptor

Bawha. The good guys are either taken, or aren't local.

---

That's why I imported mine from Sweden. (Yep, met him online), lol.

A good rule for life:

Disregard females. Acquire currency.


Sent from my PG86100 using Tapatalk 2

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Coleslaw007

A good rule for life:

Disregard females. Acquire currency.


Sent from my PG86100 using Tapatalk 2

---

Lulzworthy timing.
__________________________

I have never seen the point in marriage. I am not against relationships, but marriage just has no meaning to me. As a dirty heathen, I don't have any omnipotent force driving me to wedlock. I also don't like the idea of giving someone, however trustworthy, the potential to take half of my possessions at any given time (being a male isn't always that fun).

Now, I have been with my girlfriend for over five years, and we've been through a lot. Not necessarily a lot of conflict, but I've been away for about two years of it due to military service. I know she likes the idea of being married some day, but honestly, I have higher prioroties to spend the money on before I spend (waste) on a ring.

I don't know what my future holds for me, and I don't really care to know. What will happen, will happen, and most likely it will be due to my own doing. :snake:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Raptor

Well, I've also been on and off of them since I was 5ish, so something was bound to get messed up. However, I've been off them since early 2010, which causes me to think that this is just me. Still, given that there is so little known about the mind, it's really hard to say. Overall, I don't feel attacked; if I did, I'd speak up :D

Nah. If I was depressed I wouldn't have been posting. I supposed that my overall demeanor comes off as depressed when I'm actually more indifferent.

---

Wow, I'm no psychiatric expert, but I'm surprised to learn that a doctor would prescribe antidepressants to a 5 year old. At that age, our neural pathways are so far from a mature configuration that bringing chemicals into the situation seems strange. It's probably far more common than any of us would guess, though.

I don't imagine much of what I've said in this thread has helped you, but hopefully it at least hasn't hurt.

Just came Went to a good friends wedding last night, it's was a great time. Anywho I really think there is someone for everyone, even people who enjoy solitude. Most people that are set on being alone for life, in my opinion just haven't met that one person yet.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by olstyn

She commented in the thread and told all of us about her situation, and in my view, at least, sounded pretty depressed, so some of us who are curious by nature and/or generally try to help people tried to:

a) get more info

and

b) see if we could help by discussing it

I'm not really sure why that's hard to understand. :)

---

It was hard for me to understand bc she didnt seem depressed at all to me in the first place. I see things differently than you, thats all.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by olstyn

Wow, I'm no psychiatric expert, but I'm surprised to learn that a doctor would prescribe antidepressants to a 5 year old. At that age, our neural pathways are so far from a mature configuration that bringing chemicals into the situation seems strange. It's probably far more common than any of us would guess, though.

I don't imagine much of what I've said in this thread has helped you, but hopefully it at least hasn't hurt.

---

It's getting more and more common for it to happen. Considering I felt severely depressed at that age, and I do remember it distinctly, I probably needed the medication.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rob

Just came Went to a good friends wedding last night, it's was a great time. Anywho I really think there is someone for everyone, even people who enjoy solitude. Most people that are set on being alone for life, in my opinion just haven't met that one person yet.

---

Takes longer for some people. My mom was in her mid 40s when she finally found the person for her.

Okay, I read like the first 3 pages and skipped the rest so I have no idea what you guys are talking about, but back to the OT:


-Are you going to get married or are you going to stay single?
I would like to get married. I think the guy I'm with now is the one I'm going to marry.

-Do you believe that you have to be married to experience 'true happiness'?
Absolutely not.

-Do you believe getting married restricts you from doing certain things?
No. But, I have been in polyamorous relationships and known many people in very happy, functional open marriages. What else would marriage theoretically restrict you from other than sleeping around? The way you interpret marriage and make it work for you is YOUR business. You don't have to, and shouldn't, live by other peoples' standards.

-Are you going to get married or are you going to stay single?
I will get married, one of these days. I'm 22 and my boyfriend and I currently live together. At first I did what I did with my relationships that were after high school: "Okay we're dating, when are we gonna get married?", which caused me to be super clingy and controlling and we fought a LOT. But after a while I realized that you know what? If we're meant to get married, we will. And heck, we're living together, we sleep in the same bed and we come home to each other. That's pretty much marriage only without the rings and vows and papers. So I slowed myself down and am just letting myself enjoy our relationship, however it goes. It's improved our relationship 100%. :) Like everyone says, you're 17, who knows what you'll want in 5 years, 2 years or even at the end of the summer. I wouldn't shut yourself off to the idea, just keep doing what you're doing and see what happens. Enjoy life!

-Do you believe that you have to be married to experience 'true happiness'?
No. I've had true happiness and it's been with my boyfriend. Heck, I've had true happiness with my friends and by myself. True happiness doesn't come from other people, it comes from you, because what makes you truly happy is unique to you. Other people can make you truly happy because you let them.
On the flip side, I will say that there is a certain happiness that comes from being loved by someone, and being able to share intimate moments with that one person (and I don't just mean sexual things). There's a happiness in my life that only my boyfriend brings. But it's not just my only happiness in life, and that's a good thing. Making your life solely about your significant other often creates more unhappiness than happiness. Trust me, I know and I've seen other people who have done it. Balance is key. :)
-Do you believe getting married restricts you from doing certain things?
Yes, but they're things that if you want to do them, you shouldn't be getting married in the first place! :P (I'm going with the traditional values here; I've been in an open relationship before and I know people who have been completely happy with it; ironically I was 17-18 at the time I was in one, and it wasn't good or bad, it just was a lot of work! Plus as I got older I got selfish, I could never share my boyfriend with anyone else! xD ) Marriage is a partnership, not a master-and-slave contract. If that's what it feels like going into it, then you need to back up and re-evaluate if that's the person YOU want to get married to.

-Are you going to get married or are you going to stay single?
I don't have a preference either way. The man I'm currently with has had some terrible experiences when it comes to marriage, and while I'd say yes in a heart beat if he asked, I just don't care about it enough to get worked up or worried about it. If it happens, great! If not, I'm still in an absolutely wonderful relationship. Not being married also keeps me out of child support/custody complications (if his ex wasn't a vicious money sucking harpy I wouldn't worry about it)

-Do you believe that you have to be married to experience 'true happiness'?
Not at all. I don't believe that marriage actually changes anything in a relationship. Or at least it shouldn't. Things should be solid and people should be happy before they're married. I'm the spawn of a couple who got married way too young, and stayed married for much longer than they should've (with 4 kids I can see why they tried, but it did more damage in the long run). If people are really wanting to commit to "till death do us part", just seems to make sense to make sure the relationship is livable and something that you want before making a legal binding.

-Do you believe getting married restricts you from doing certain things?
Depends on the marriage! Some people have fantastic open marriages, some people are strictly one on one. Some are chaotic and restrictive whereas others are more of a partnership. Being in a relationship now I know I can do whatever I please, but I chose to do things that make my significant other happy, because it makes me happy. It's all up to those involved in the situation

Are you going to get married or are you going to stay single?
I was married for 3 years before my husband up and left myself and our 3 kids. At this point we're separated (over 2 years) and I'm going to file for divorce in a few months after I save the money up. I would LIKE to get remarried someday, but at this point I have real trust issues that would severely prevent me from being happy in a relationship. I would totally go for a guy if I knew I could trust him. So at this time I'm single and will remain so unless I meet some amazing man who fits my requirements.

Do you believe that you have to be married to experience 'true happiness'?
No. However I think that if you feel as if you should get married and that being married will make you happy then you should do it.
Do you believe getting married restricts you from doing certain things?

Depends on what you mean. I think that some restriction can be a good thing. Tis why we have laws!

Hey, I'm 17, too. :P

-Are you going to get married or are you going to stay single?
-Let me just hop in my time-travel machine and I'll let you know when I get back. :gj:

-Do you believe that you have to be married to experience 'true happiness'?
I don't think you have to do anything in particular to experience true happiness. I'm not sure if such a thing exists or can be defined. It's something we strive for, not something we receive once we reach a certain personal milestone in life.

-Do you believe getting married restricts you from doing certain things?
Nope. Aside from being a single person, you can do everything a single person can do and more. You can even get divorced. :D



My 17-year-old self will definitely be a mystery to my 20 or 25 year old self. Heck, my 15yr old self was crazy and I often want to go back and have a talk with that mess. I'm not the same person I was a year ago, so I most certainly won't be a few years down the road.

At this point in my life, I am not making statements about how I am going to live and what I am 'never' going to do. Right now I'm not too worried about potential spouses or kids, that's for sure. I'm just a teenager. All I really am sure of when it comes to plans is furthering my education and building a career.

That's not to say I don't know who I am. I know who I am today quite well, but I would not dare to define my future self. I have ideas and aspirations about the things I want to do and the person I want to be, but nothing is set in stone. That's the way to live, in my opinion.