Being married vs. being single

[olstyn]

Annarose15, that is just about the most level-headed, mature outlook on the topic that I've ever seen.

[Vasiliki]

I'll try to keep this brief, as a variety of people have already commented on this very interesting discussion.

At 16, I never wanted to get married. At 16, I was in a relationship with a guy. By age 21, I had a bit of change of heart. The person I was with, however, stated very clearly that he would never marry me, or anyone. A few months later, I found out he had been cheating on me with a co-worker for the past year and they were expecting a baby. When I found out and he broke up with me, I found out that a few weeks later, he'd proposed to said girl. I felt very very slighted. Especially after I checked my bank accounts and found them empty. It was a horrible situation. Ruined my trust in a variety of people.

I spent the next year pretty much away from everyone. Friends, family... It was 'Me' time. Got stronger despite everything that happened. And then I randomly met the most amazing person on an online forum. Everything about him mirrored my views, my quirks. We started sending e-mails... then texting. He had just finished going through something almost identical to what I went through with my ex, so we had a lot of common ground. Understanding and supportive. When I finally met him, it was like I'd known him my whole life. Yet I still had butterflies like crazy and he made me feel completely special.

I've been with him for over two years now. It may not sound like a long time to most standards, but every meaningful relationship starts somewhere. Recently he's been bringing up the topic of getting married... Subtly, coyly. Little comments. Just hints of it, smiling at me before he quickly changes the topic.

It's not about 'Why' you should get married. It should start with a feeling. Some people just should not get married. Period. And others... Others make it look like the most wonderful thing in the world. It's about perspective, and understanding what you want in life. If there comes a time where you both agree that that's something you'd love to do, to share, then that's what makes it beautiful. It's not marriage that people are looking for. Underneath all of that, they're just looking to be with someone in a meaningful and loving way. Some people rush into it, almost as if marriage will bring them happiness. Not always the case. You see unhappy married couples all the time. But, when you see a happy couple (married or not), it's different.

For me, I could easily live with my boyfriend for the forseeable future. Just thinking of it makes me smile. If we were to get married, it's not because we have to. It would be because that's what's meaningful for us.

[therunaway]

I'm only 13 & I know things will change, but I can't stand the presence of another person in my personal space, sharing things with other people, or touching other people. So, no & for the most part I'm asexual & tend to stay that way for the rest of my life, but I know things change, I will change. People cause pain, & to me, that is the main reason I don't like people. :|

[Raptor]

Sounds like you've just been unlucky. I don't in any way mean to minimize the pain that it has caused you, but you need to know that not every guy in the world is a jerk. I'm not saying you need to change your negative opinion of marriage or guys in an instant (or at all), but maybe it'd be appropriate to at least give people a chance to show you their character going forward. If person x is a jerk, move on, and quickly. Person y, z, a, b, or c might not be a jerk, however, and assuming they *all* will be awful to you shortchanges both them and you.

Bawha. The good guys are either taken, or aren't local. On the other hand, I can't really see a person's character if they don't bother to return my initial contact.

Now I know a lot of people that have had similar feelings, myself included for a time. I learned something very quickly though that helped me out.

"If you want things to change you need to start by changing yourself!"

People that constantly blame people of the opposite sex for not wanting to pay attention to them may have to make a change to get people of the opposite sex attracted to them.

A 25+ year old guy living in his parents basement, working as a pizza delivery man, about 100 lbs over weight, that spends all day playing X-box or Role play games with his buds, and driving a 1989 Toyota Tercel needs to start thinking about changing himself to become someone women will be interested in!

If you are constantly attracting the wrong people of the opposite sex, maybe you need to change where you hang out or how you come across. If a girl comes across frumpy and boring guys don't want to hang around with them cause it is like being neutered. If she comes across as easy, only the guys that are looking at tonight are going to be interested.

Might be a little blunt, but it is true!

I'm not going to change myself to please others. It'd just be lieing more than I already do, and nothing irritates me more than meeting someone who act one way, who turn out to be another. Besides, there isn't much I can do to change the fact that I'm short and look a good deal younger than I am (don't even say make up. I hate the crap).

Frankly, I don't attract any guys (I don't count the jailbait, either), and while I don't talk a huge amount, I do have a pretty decent knowledge of various topics. I also don't really "hang out" anywhere. I go to class, I come home, unless I have to go to the store for whatever reason.

Frankly? Relationships come with a lot of things I'm not interested in, and several of those things are enough to cause guys to lose interest very quickly.

[Gloryhound]

I'm not going to change myself to please others. It'd just be lieing more than I already do, and nothing irritates me more than meeting someone who act one way, who turn out to be another. Besides, there isn't much I can do to change the fact that I'm short and look a good deal younger than I am (don't even say make up. I hate the crap).

I never said change yourself just to attract another person. I meant change yourself into a better person be it physically, mentally, or emmotionally.

Frankly, I don't attract any guys (I don't count the jailbait, either), and while I don't talk a huge amount, I do have a pretty decent knowledge of various topics. I also don't really "hang out" anywhere. I go to class, I come home, unless I have to go to the store for whatever reason.

Sorry, no offense is meant, but all I can say is boring.

My wife is short at 5'1" and even though she is 5 years older than me she was the one getting carded when we were dating. She is highly educated with a BA and Masters. Speaks 2 additional languages, Russian and Spanish. Is a black belt in Taekwondo and continues to train in it as well as shurkin ryu. She took State champion in Taekwondo point sparing and forms in 2011. She likes to dance, but thinks flowers are a waist. Likes to travel and meet new people. Also likes working with our python collection along with the rest of the zoo. She also likes to take college classes for fun. Her day is so full I have trouble keeping up with her. She is a Navy Veteran and now is a full time domestic engineer, works part time as a substitute teacher, and keeps up with our animals. She also hates online forums, but I try not to hold that against her.

It is a great feeling to be able to brag about your significant other. I just hope I'm interesting enough to her that she can brag about me!

[Raptor]

I never said change yourself just to attract another person. I meant change yourself into a better person be it physically, mentally, or emmotionally.

There isn't much to improve on. I'm healthy, I'm the proper weight for my height, mentally I have depression but no one knows unless I actually tell them, emotionally well, I don't really have emotions.

Sorry, no offense is meant, but all I can say is boring.

My wife is short at 5'1" and even though she is 5 years older than me she was the one getting carded when we were dating. She is highly educated with a BA and Masters. Speaks 2 additional languages, Russian and Spanish. Is a black belt in Taekwondo and continues to train in it as well as shurkin ryu. She took State champion in Taekwondo point sparing and forms in 2011. She likes to dance, but thinks flowers are a waist. Likes to travel and meet new people. Also likes working with our python collection along with the rest of the zoo. She also likes to take college classes for fun. Her day is so full I have trouble keeping up with her. She is a Navy Veteran and now is a full time domestic engineer, works part time as a substitute teacher, and keeps up with our animals. She also hates online forums, but I try not to hold that against her.

It is a great feeling to be able to brag about your significant other. I just hope I'm interesting enough to her that she can brag about me!

Yes, well, not all of us have the money to do all that. So, sorry if I don't meet your definition of "exciting". Also, I'm 4'11" and still pass for 14, which is only good because it's hilarious to see people's jaws drop.

By the way, saying "no offense" doesn't prevent you from offending people. So, thanks for comparing me against a person that's completely different than I am with completely different hobbies and interests. I like to imagine it's like trying to find similarities between an apple and a slice of pizza. They're both food items and that's as far as it goes.

[olstyn]

Bawha. The good guys are either taken, or aren't local. On the other hand, I can't really see a person's character if they don't bother to return my initial contact.

That's a pretty bleak attitude. It's also a blanket statement lacking in detail. Are you using some sort of dating service and people aren't contacting you, or are you talking about people you meet in person through your daily life, or something completely different?

I'm not going to change myself to please others. It'd just be lieing more than I already do, and nothing irritates me more than meeting someone who act one way, who turn out to be another. Besides, there isn't much I can do to change the fact that I'm short and look a good deal younger than I am (don't even say make up. I hate the crap).

What is it that you're lying about now? My baseline thought is that unless you're in the military or one of the federal alphabet soup agencies and need to protect your operational security, there's not much reason to be lying to people. I'm not saying that you should begin a conversation with a new person you've just met by dumping your life history on them, but starting out with lies is never a good idea.

There are plenty of things I don't bring up when I meet new people, depending on the setting, but I don't start things off by lying.

Frankly? Relationships come with a lot of things I'm not interested in, and several of those things are enough to cause guys to lose interest very quickly.

I'm having a hard time not drawing a conclusion about what things about relationships you're uninterested in that make guys lose interest, but I also don't want to assume...

[Raptor]

That's a pretty bleak attitude. It's also a blanket statement lacking in detail. Are you using some sort of dating service and people aren't contacting you, or are you talking about people you meet in person through your daily life, or something completely different?

I'm talking mostly about real life. I don't do dating services; tried an online relationship and it didn't work out.

What is it that you're lying about now? My baseline thought is that unless you're in the military or one of the federal alphabet soup agencies and need to protect your operational security, there's not much reason to be lying to people. I'm not saying that you should begin a conversation with a new person you've just met by dumping your life history on them, but starting out with lies is never a good idea.

There are plenty of things I don't bring up when I meet new people, depending on the setting, but I don't start things off by lying.

My overall demeanor, having to pretend I have emotions, to pretend I care. To feign I have the ability to connect to people. It's something I've never been able to do, made it a pain as a kid when I was an outsider because of it. I learned to hide it and lie.

I'm having a hard time not drawing a conclusion about what things about relationships you're uninterested in that make guys lose interest, but I also don't want to assume...

You're probably right, but to clarify without getting in trouble, it's what people do, who mostly like each other, to have a good time. Usually in the evening.

[Mike41793]

I think you guys should back off Raptor and let her live her life however she wants. Just because it sounds to you all like she has this terrible negative outlook on life doesnt mean she actually does. NOT everyone is meant to get married or have kids. I mean to me it sounds like shes perfectly content carrying on without a signifigant other right now. If she changes her mind and chooses that she wants to find one then im sure she'll go out and get one...

Raptor its ok, sometimes i feel like i was born without emotions too. Also when youre old the looking young thing will only benefit you.

[Raptor]

I think you guys should back off Raptor and let her live her life however she wants. Just because it sounds to you all like she has this terrible negative outlook on life doesnt mean she actually does. NOT everyone is meant to get married or have kids. I mean to me it sounds like shes perfectly content carrying on without a signifigant other right now. If she changes her mind and chooses that she wants to find one then im sure she'll go out and get one...

Raptor its ok, sometimes i feel like i was born without emotions too. Also when youre old the looking young thing will only benefit you.

I expect it's due to them attempting to wrap their minds around my point of view, which isn't easy. The people who live with me can't. As for emotions, I'm sure I was born with them, I just suspect one of the medications I took went and messed everything up.