Being married vs. being single

[Vasiliki]

I expect it's due to them attempting to wrap their minds around my point of view, which isn't easy. The people who live with me can't. As for emotions, I'm sure I was born with them, I just suspect one of the medications I took went and messed everything up.

I'll pipe in here

Raptor, you sound so much like me when I was younger. Probably from 12-16 or 17, I felt very similarly to you about pretty much everything you brought up. To the point it was uncanny, and I wasn't sure if I should post or not. But I figured I might as well.

Truth was, after kicking my depression (which coincided with this time) and dealing with a pretty crappy hand in life (getting with a guy for 6 years, then having him leave me for his pregnant other girlfriend, but only after emptying my bank accounts), everything just kind of switched over after a while. Almost like a reboot of my system, if you will. Took years, though. I still have moments where I feel extremely disconnected with the world.

Fortunately, I met my other half and we are both very similar. Not huge fans of people, or crowds. Not sure if we want children, or not. This helped, because nobody else up until that point ever 'got me'. He expressed the same thing. So now we have each other to lean on, and understand that we both share similar limitations and desires. Some days, we just do our own thing and don't talk much. Other times, we'll have totally goofy nights where we order pizza and play video games until the wee hours.

Basically, don't worry about it. Whatever it is you feel comfortable with now is what works for you now. If you change later, great. If you don't, great. You're not out to please anybody else. Nobody else is going to look out for you, or go out of their way to make you happy. Maybe someday someone very special might, but no one should ever make you feel like you're 'wrong' right now.

Everyone has those bleak days. Everyone has days when they just want to walk out of their job and say: "I don't want to deal with anybody today." You're just open about that fact, and I think people see that as something to 'help' with or try to 'fix'. In reality, it's their strange way of wanting to help you, by cheering you up or trying to get you out of your 'funk'. Lord knows my mother tried, haha.

But it'll all work out. It's your life. Your comfort zone. You'll realize what makes you happy. And what makes you happy will change as times go on. As long as you're happy with who you are, that's all that counts.

[Egapal]

I expect it's due to them attempting to wrap their minds around my point of view, which isn't easy. The people who live with me can't. As for emotions, I'm sure I was born with them, I just suspect one of the medications I took went and messed everything up.

Join the club. Born without emotions. Reading people is an entirely learned skill for me. I kept my mind open and have a loving wife and a child on the way today. A good percentage of life is our attitude. If you think your going to be alone forever you probably will be. You are short and look young? Look there are all kinds of people in this world. There are people out there that are looking for you exactly but you have to be open to meeting them.

[Raptor]

I'll pipe in here

Raptor, you sound so much like me when I was younger. Probably from 12-16 or 17, I felt very similarly to you about pretty much everything you brought up. To the point it was uncanny, and I wasn't sure if I should post or not. But I figured I might as well.

Truth was, after kicking my depression (which coincided with this time) and dealing with a pretty crappy hand in life (getting with a guy for 6 years, then having him leave me for his pregnant other girlfriend, but only after emptying my bank accounts), everything just kind of switched over after a while. Almost like a reboot of my system, if you will. Took years, though. I still have moments where I feel extremely disconnected with the world.

Fortunately, I met my other half and we are both very similar. Not huge fans of people, or crowds. Not sure if we want children, or not. This helped, because nobody else up until that point ever 'got me'. He expressed the same thing. So now we have each other to lean on, and understand that we both share similar limitations and desires. Some days, we just do our own thing and don't talk much. Other times, we'll have totally goofy nights where we order pizza and play video games until the wee hours.

Basically, don't worry about it. Whatever it is you feel comfortable with now is what works for you now. If you change later, great. If you don't, great. You're not out to please anybody else. Nobody else is going to look out for you, or go out of their way to make you happy. Maybe someday someone very special might, but no one should ever make you feel like you're 'wrong' right now.

Everyone has those bleak days. Everyone has days when they just want to walk out of their job and say: "I don't want to deal with anybody today." You're just open about that fact, and I think people see that as something to 'help' with or try to 'fix'. In reality, it's their strange way of wanting to help you, by cheering you up or trying to get you out of your 'funk'. Lord knows my mother tried, haha.

But it'll all work out. It's your life. Your comfort zone. You'll realize what makes you happy. And what makes you happy will change as times go on. As long as you're happy with who you are, that's all that counts.

Truthfully, I can't really pinpoint when this happened. As a child, I was fairly happy go lucky, although, I was also on medication then, so for all I know, I might have been born without emotions. Feeling disconnected is something I've always had. I'm able to relate to people who have the same interests, but beyond that, I don't. Something bad happens to them, I don't really have the empathy to feel anything.

Unfortunately, I'm constantly told or its hinted that I'm "wrong". My mother isn't at all happy that I'm single or don't date. It's constantly brought up that she was in her first marriage at my age, and that I need to change my entire wardrobe/wear make up. I'm not opposed to help, it's just frustrating when people try to claim that it's a phase or stage of my life, when in reality I've been like this for a good chunk of my life. It's nothing unusual for me to be told I'm "broken" or that I need to be "fixed".

Join the club. Born without emotions. Reading people is an entirely learned skill for me. I kept my mind open and have a loving wife and a child on the way today. A good percentage of life is our attitude. If you think your going to be alone forever you probably will be. You are short and look young? Look there are all kinds of people in this world. There are people out there that are looking for you exactly but you have to be open to meeting them.

I'm not against meeting people. I've had countless people approach me up at college because they were curious about my laptop, curious about a class book I had out, etc. These encounters, in some cases, have resulted in conversations that last an hour or more. I just got tired of trying to reach out to connect to people and getting denied.

[Vasiliki]

Truthfully, I can't really pinpoint when this happened. As a child, I was fairly happy go lucky, although, I was also on medication then, so for all I know, I might have been born without emotions. Feeling disconnected is something I've always had. I'm able to relate to people who have the same interests, but beyond that, I don't. Something bad happens to them, I don't really have the empathy to feel anything.

Unfortunately, I'm constantly told or its hinted that I'm "wrong". My mother isn't at all happy that I'm single or don't date. It's constantly brought up that she was in her first marriage at my age, and that I need to change my entire wardrobe/wear make up. I'm not opposed to help, it's just frustrating when people try to claim that it's a phase or stage of my life, when in reality I've been like this for a good chunk of my life. It's nothing unusual for me to be told I'm "broken" or that I need to be "fixed".

I'm not against meeting people. I've had countless people approach me up at college because they were curious about my laptop, curious about a class book I had out, etc. These encounters, in some cases, have resulted in conversations that last an hour or more. I just got tired of trying to reach out to connect to people and getting denied.

I'm seeing a couple of different patterns here.

You're expressing 'lack of emotion'. Then that you're not opposed to help. Then you're tired of trying to reach out to connect to people and getting denied.

Sounds like the world has given you some good cause to 'tune them out', if that makes sense. When people push us to do something, it is out immediate reaction to do the opposite. If someone tells us that we NEED to do something right now, there is that fierce independence that flares up when our first thought is: "No!" Sounds to me like with the world pushing you to be something else, they're doing the opposite of helping. Like if you tell a kid every day "Don't you ever smoke." "Why?" "Because I said so!"

My mother used to tell me all the time that I wasn't allowed to drop out of school, ever. At least once a week she would tell me this. And until that point, it hadn't even been a thought. But the more she said it, the more it became apparent in my mind. Every time she told me never to drop out, a part of me was like: "What if I did?"

After a year of being told that, I had a big moment and did drop out of school. I never went back. To say she was unhappy with me was an understatement.

Sounds weird, but I understand exactly where you're coming from. Maybe not the exact situation, but the emotions and people involved trying to 'fix' it. Truth is, you're in control. And maybe that's why they push so hard, becuase you aren't giving in to what they want.

Nothing wrong with having a step back from society. Gives you a different perspective on the world. Just don't stress over them too much. In the end, only you know what's good for yourself. But they need to stop pushing, because it will only negatively affect you.

[Mike41793]

Everyone has those bleak days. Everyone has days when they just want to walk out of their job and say: "I don't want to deal with anybody today." You're just open about that fact, and I think people see that as something to 'help' with or try to 'fix'. In reality, it's their strange way of wanting to help you, by cheering you up or trying to get you out of your 'funk'. Lord knows my mother tried, haha.

Most of my days at work are sorta like this; however, instead of not wanting to deal with them its more like i fantasize about punching through their faces bc theyre so annoying. I work in a kitchen... With big knives... In a nursing home full of old people...

I still dont understand why people have turned this thread into a psych session with Raptor lol, she seems perfectly fine to me... Im a college student too, i know people who are just like her as far as not wanting to reach out to people bc theyve been hurt. I dont usually go out of my way to reach out to people bc i dont trust people in general. Kinda a character flaw on my part maybe, but it just takes alot to earn my trust i guess lol.

[Really]

I've been married for 22 years. My husband gave up his fear of snakes for me and lets me have iguanas roaming the house.

If you find the right person, you won't lose your freedom. You won't have to give up anything you didn't want in the first place.

[olstyn]

As for emotions, I'm sure I was born with them, I just suspect one of the medications I took went and messed everything up.

I've heard of some categories of antidepressants having that sort of effect. One person I know who's been on them said they basically clamped her emotions to a certain range. She couldn't have any real highs or lows, and was basically stuck on "blah." It's also quite common for them to clamp down on people's desire for "evening activities" as you put it. Getting off of them at least somewhat reversed the situation for my friend.

I can understand where you would feel like you have to lie about that kind of thing. It definitely makes you different from others in a very uncomfortable way. For me, that would probably fall under the category of "don't bring it up right away," which maybe constitutes lying from a certain perspective. (IMO, it doesn't, but I tend to be very private and somewhat compartmentalized, so my view could be a bit off from the average.)

I hope you don't feel like I've been attacking you here, as Mike41793 seems to think. I've truly been trying to understand and help.

[olstyn]

I still dont understand why people have turned this thread into a psych session with Raptor lol, she seems perfectly fine to me...

She commented in the thread and told all of us about her situation, and in my view, at least, sounded pretty depressed, so some of us who are curious by nature and/or generally try to help people tried to:

a) get more info

and

b) see if we could help by discussing it

I'm not really sure why that's hard to understand.

[el8ch]

So, after all my dabbling nonsense, comes the main point(s):

-Are you going to get married or are you going to stay single?
-Do you believe that you have to be married to experience 'true happiness'?
-Do you believe getting married restricts you from doing certain things?

and there's some more, but, I can't think of it. So what's your take on the marriage topic?

I am married. I have my freedom. I have my happiness. Marriage should not restrict you from being yourself or doing the things you love to do. When I got married not much changed besides the obvious addition of responsibility and the daily compromise of things like... what side of the bed I will sleep on, or what we will make for dinner, the simple things. Marriage isn't for everyone, but for some it is everything.

When I was 17... I think that marriage was the furthest thing from my mind. Just live dude, you have a long time before you should even be thinking wedding bells...

[Raptor]

I've heard of some categories of antidepressants having that sort of effect. One person I know who's been on them said they basically clamped her emotions to a certain range. She couldn't have any real highs or lows, and was basically stuck on "blah." It's also quite common for them to clamp down on people's desire for "evening activities" as you put it. Getting off of them at least somewhat reversed the situation for my friend.

I can understand where you would feel like you have to lie about that kind of thing. It definitely makes you different from others in a very uncomfortable way. For me, that would probably fall under the category of "don't bring it up right away," which maybe constitutes lying from a certain perspective. (IMO, it doesn't, but I tend to be very private and somewhat compartmentalized, so my view could be a bit off from the average.)

I hope you don't feel like I've been attacking you here, as Mike41793 seems to think. I've truly been trying to understand and help.

Well, I've also been on and off of them since I was 5ish, so something was bound to get messed up. However, I've been off them since early 2010, which causes me to think that this is just me. Still, given that there is so little known about the mind, it's really hard to say. Overall, I don't feel attacked; if I did, I'd speak up

She commented in the thread and told all of us about her situation, and in my view, at least, sounded pretty depressed, so some of us who are curious by nature and/or generally try to help people tried to:

a) get more info

and

b) see if we could help by discussing it

I'm not really sure why that's hard to understand.

Nah. If I was depressed I wouldn't have been posting. I supposed that my overall demeanor comes off as depressed when I'm actually more indifferent.