Personal, venting.... so fustrating.....

I have come a long way the past couple of years rebuilding after my ex cheated and left me while at work. I know I should let it go. I love her in this amazing way, but she left and was so angry.

History,

About 5 years ago went through a job loss and I was doing everything I could to take care of us (including her daughter). I was on the road almost 7 days a week. This was hard on us as a couple. I wanted to get back in my career field that I had 15+ years invested and landed a position 2 states away. We agreed as a family to make the move as a family. We were living in a hotel till we found a place and got a couple of paychecks. We were always upset over money problems then and was especially hard to say no to simple things that we needed but could do without (deodorant, toothpaste, simple things). Everything went to food and roof over out head. She always had these "friends" she would call or hang out with. After 4 days at the new job and us in the hotel, she disappeared while I was at work. Only my things left in the hotel. She turned off her phone and would not communicate. My work paid for the phones.


I was devastated. She was and still is my love. I almost left society behind and ran off to Costa Rica camping for a month. Living off the land eating what I could find. Cloud my husky was my only companion in the jungle. Saw so many great things and lived an amazing life for that month but something was missing. Her. I was so free. Paradise was lonely.

Now.....

I have been back in my career field for almost 2 years now and doing really well with money and moved into management. Things are really taking off. I live in a place that I enjoy and am shopping for a house to settle down. My girlfriend knows about her. She is wonderful but I just cant move on. I am thinking about ending the relationship with my girlfriend as a result of the feelings I still have for my ex.

To make things more confusing emotionally, the ex is messaging me and asking for us to pick things back up. My heart is going so many directions of fear and anger and hope and...... so many things. I want so much, but I know truth. I know who she is. I know how she was. I know how she will be. The sad part is even in knowing, I still love her.

I am venting some of the emotion more than anything. I know what I want to do and what I should do. Toss your thoughts and I will listen.

Well, for one, you are not alone in this camp. There are dozens, thousands... Many many others who felt the same way or still do to this day about their emotions of their ex and current other. I was there once too, I think.

Secondly, are you sure you are in love with your ex? In other words, are you in love of the IMAGE of her or the good times you had with her? Be honest about this.

Many times when we had a break up, we sometimes get stuck of the good memories of that person and it replays in our minds. However, you may remember the bad times too but do you really accept them equally as the good times? Meaning, just as you remember the love and joy of her, how about the pain, betrayal and unrealistic expectations of her that she had of you?

Surely both sides make mistakes and relationships of all forms are hard. But this is your life too as much as it is your current gf. If you don't feel the same about your current gf, then move on regardless what you decide to do. That is not her fault.

Keep in mind, the grass always looks greener on the other side no matter what. Missing companionship and wanting that back is not the same as having a healthy relationship between 2 people where BOTH parties must sacrifice as well as compromise to stay together. If your ex runs for the hills at the first sign of trouble, what does that say about your relationship with her to begin with?

What do I know though. I'm currently in marriage counseling so I am learning along with my spouse.

You probably don't want to hear this but of you were not worth fighting for to her then, you won't be when she gets bored again.
The thing is the problem is one she has, not one with you and the only way for her to learn from her mistakes is by suffering the consequences of them. Getting back together with her prevents this.

How committed are you to your present girlfriend? It sounds like she's done nothing wrong but you are seriously considering dumping her for the simple fact that she's not, and can never be, your old girlfriend. I strongly suspect that you need to get into some serious counseling. A good counselor can help you with developing a sense of perspective with respect to your present and past relationships and, perhaps, a stronger sense of self worth.

<><Peace

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Originally Posted by Cheesenugget

Well, for one, you are not alone in this camp. There are dozens, thousands... Many many others who felt the same way or still do to this day about their emotions of their ex and current other. I was there once too, I think.

Secondly, are you sure you are in love with your ex? In other words, are you in love of the IMAGE of her or the good times you had with her? Be honest about this.

Many times when we had a break up, we sometimes get stuck of the good memories of that person and it replays in our minds. However, you may remember the bad times too but do you really accept them equally as the good times? Meaning, just as you remember the love and joy of her, how about the pain, betrayal and unrealistic expectations of her that she had of you?

Surely both sides make mistakes and relationships of all forms are hard. But this is your life too as much as it is your current gf. If you don't feel the same about your current gf, then move on regardless what you decide to do. That is not her fault.

Keep in mind, the grass always looks greener on the other side no matter what. Missing companionship and wanting that back is not the same as having a healthy relationship between 2 people where BOTH parties must sacrifice as well as compromise to stay together. If your ex runs for the hills at the first sign of trouble, what does that say about your relationship with her to begin with?

What do I know though. I'm currently in marriage counseling so I am learning along with my spouse.

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I have tried to be as objective as possible. The bad times are just as real as the good. I know who she is and that has not changed. I love her but don't agree with her choices. I want so badly to ignore the bad but I know reality. Do I think there will not be hard times and it would be easy? Not at all. For me, it is hard either way. I so miss the good. What it feels like to be close to her. Feel her. I do know that the path to her leaving was both our fought but she is the one who jumped ship and to be with another person. Now the grass is not so green anymore. Almost a month after she left she begged me to forgive her and I was too angry. I am very angry as well as hurt. My heart wants to just forgive and take as much amazing as I can (and was more amazing that I ever imagined before we went through that job loss. After hurting me the way she did I am not sure TRUST will ever be completely restored. You don't quite when things get hard, you pull together and fight through it. She gave up and now regrets it. I want to forgive her. I can not ignore truth in her and her actions. I don't have to make decision today but I have a lot to think about.

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Originally Posted by enginee837

You probably don't want to hear this but of you were not worth fighting for to her then, you won't be when she gets bored again.
The thing is the problem is one she has, not one with you and the only way for her to learn from her mistakes is by suffering the consequences of them. Getting back together with her prevents this.

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I agree to a point. Sometimes forgiveness is something that should be given. Not sure this is it.

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Originally Posted by dadofsix

How committed are you to your present girlfriend? It sounds like she's done nothing wrong but you are seriously considering dumping her for the simple fact that she's not, and can never be, your old girlfriend. I strongly suspect that you need to get into some serious counseling. A good counselor can help you with developing a sense of perspective with respect to your present and past relationships and, perhaps, a stronger sense of self worth.

<><Peace

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I am not committed to her as I should be (emotionally) so is why I am going to end the relationship.

I value myself greatly (I don't have the big head but I am valuable and have a lot to offer). I am sure talking to someone would help. Is being considered.

Love is not a feeling, it is shown every day through your actions. Desire and lust are feelings, but they are not enough to build a solid relationship.

If I had to guess, your ex does not love you, more likely she wants the stability and security that you now have and that's why she is pursuing you. If your life ever gets rocky again she has shown you that you will lose her again, it's who she is.

Personally I think you should get some counseling to figure out why you want a relationship with a woman you don't trust, and who ghosted on you when you needed support, instead of someone who is wonderful and treats you well. If that means cutting your current GF loose while you get your head straight, so be it.

My two cents: forgive her, and move on. Find closure, but don't allow her back in. She can't be trusted. She left you in one of the lowest ways possible, forgive, but don't forget...

As for the current girl, if you're not all in, you need to be out. It's not fair to either of you to fake it. The simple fact that the poll has 3 "break up" options and no stay together option speaks volumes to me.

In your shoes, I'd never trust your ex again. You CAN "forgive her" but you should move on, not repeat the same mistake. It sounds to me like when the
"going got tough, she got going"...which is very immature. You deserve better and you KNOW you do, or you wouldn't be asking us. If your 'ex' was your
first real love, do consider that's part of the difficulty you have in letting go of the past. Staying in touch with her (ie. allowing her to contact you & manipulate
your feelings) is a mistake on your part. For all you know, she just realized you are a better "catch" than she originally gave you credit for...it's entirely possible
(whether or not she even admits it to herself) that she is more attracted to your success than she is to YOU, & if her own life isn't going well for her right now,
that might be why she's having second thoughts about getting back together with you. "Love" is a hard thing to sort out, it's not always what it seems.

It might be a good idea to talk with a counselor on relationships. Statistically, many of us tend to make the same mistakes over & over again, because we are
still attracted to the same sort of things in a person...even if some of those things are toxic. And sometimes if we work on having a better sense of our own
self-worth, it can break that cycle so we can make a choice of a partner that is truly on our side & always will be. I don't think your 'ex' is such a person, sorry.

And until you really let go of that failed relationship, I don't think you're fully present with your current girlfriend either. You're lucky she's still talking to you
after you allowed your 'ex' to call & jerk around your life again. There's a good reason why some people are "ex". Move forward...

And by the way, I've heard it said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over but expecting different results. :cool: Chew on that...

Coming from a woman's perspective (and one who's been jerked around and is currently in a relationship she is questioning due to said jerking) you need to get out of the current relationship you're in. You're not committed to her, and you're wasting her time and yours. It's not fair to either one of you.

My recommendation would be to stay alone for awhile. Figure YOU out. Seek counseling as others have said... even if it's not professional, even if it's just talking to different people and getting different perspectives. It sounds like you've lost yourself a bit and that you're trying to jump into things that make you feel good and that maybe you're looking for someone to create happiness for you. Let me tell you what I've learned: Other people CANNOT create happiness for you. Maybe they can make you feel good for awhile, but only YOU can create your own happiness. You'll always end up disappointed in the end... and probably hurting someone else too.

Having been through a situation with many similarities to yours, I would, hands down, not advise going back to your ex. You can definitely forgive her, but that doesn't mean you have to, or should, go back to her. Instead of thinking of it in terms of potential self-preservation, try to think of it as something that would be good for the growth of both of you: You are saving yourself from being used, manipulated, and (probably) cheated on again, while she desperately needs, NEEDS to learn that she can't just rebuild bridges after burning them down. As much as it sucks, ultimately, you win, she wins, and whomever the two of you end up actually dating will win as well.

First loves are tough, especially if it was fairly long-term, and especially if the breakup wasn't mutual. I feel you on so many levels with this, and my words come from my own experience. Block the ex, have someone you trust delete her phone number. Tell your current girlfriend how you've been feeling, and give her the option to move on if you're undecided what to do there (this sounds sucky, but it is so much less cruel for her than walking a tightrope and wondering whether or not she'll be dumped for someone else when she wakes up every day). Lean on your friends, cry if you need to, and consider looking into some sort of counseling or therapy to help you resolve your feelings about your ex and the fallout of those feelings. In another 5 years, I bet you'll end up being really, really happy with yourself. :)

You've gotten great advice. You are in love with the idea of your ex - the crazy, sexy, cool, kooky - whatever - that made you fall in love in with her in the first place. But the REAL her was treacherous with your love.

She still holds power over you. That is the reality. It sucks - for you and your innocent current GF. But because she left you (in a totally selfish and despicable way, by the way), she's the unattainable fruit and you have no closure, so that gives her this undeserved measure of power over you.

For your own sanity I would cease all communication with the ex. You don't need her as a GF and you don't need her as a friend. She wields too much control over your heart, and your heart cannot be trusted. To me, the WAY she left you - that alone is enough to chop her out of your life for good. That is cold blooded and cruel. We don't know her side - heck, maybe you deserved it (devil's advocate), but if everything is as you said, those personality traits don't go away. They just get masked for a bit.

If you are thinking clearly, with your head and power of reason, and you truly have no love for your GF, then you should end it. But I would never do it with the thought of freeing up space for the ex. That tiger showed you her stripes and you should consider her an ex for good.

After thinking on the dilemma you are facing, I don't want to come across as self righteous, speaking as a woman that has been single for a very long time, my question to you is do you want someone in your life or do you need someone? It toke me forever to realize I don't need someone in my life just to take up time and space, would I like a great guy to watch Star Trek reruns, bring my a delicious dinner (taco bell bean burrito) random make fart noises with, sing off key sure sounds fun but I figure if it happens it happens if not there is always the tried and true , Crazy Cat Lady to fall back on :rofl: whatever you choice do it because it feels right to the very center of your being don't chase ghost those are better left in scrap books. Best wishes always :P

I agree with just about everyone. It sounds like some counseling will help, but definitely try and move on. It may be hard, but I have had a family member go through something very similar - only he relented and let the woman back in again and again only to be hurt and used. It took several years for him to see what all of us were seeing and finally end it. It was terrible for all involved and caused a lot of issues in the family.

I can't speak to your current relationship, but a relationship that has one party in love and one that is just present (no matter how much they 'like' the other) is not fair to either party. If she (the current one) is also just with you because you get along and are comfortable together but love is not part of it yet, then maybe see what happens. But I think both parties need to be at or want to be at the same state emotionally for something long term to be successful.

Good luck. I hope you find what makes you happy.

What we want and what we can have are usually two diff things. Honestly a lot of us want things that may be bad for us, why? I don't know. Been there and done that.. The simple fact the Ex left in the fashion she did is a HUGE Red Flag...
What might be a better question is why do we want what we don't have that was proven not to be good and are willing to give something up that we do have even when its good?


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Originally Posted by Skyrivers

I agree to a point. Sometimes forgiveness is something that should be given. Not sure this is it.

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There is a big difference between forgiveness and enabling. You can forgive someone and at the same time not allow them to repeat past transgressions.

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Originally Posted by ladywhipple02

Coming from a woman's perspective (and one who's been jerked around and is currently in a relationship she is questioning due to said jerking) you need to get out of the current relationship you're in. You're not committed to her, and you're wasting her time and yours. It's not fair to either one of you.

My recommendation would be to stay alone for awhile. Figure YOU out. Seek counseling as others have said... even if it's not professional, even if it's just talking to different people and getting different perspectives. It sounds like you've lost yourself a bit and that you're trying to jump into things that make you feel good and that maybe you're looking for someone to create happiness for you. Let me tell you what I've learned: Other people CANNOT create happiness for you. Maybe they can make you feel good for awhile, but only YOU can create your own happiness. You'll always end up disappointed in the end... and probably hurting someone else too.

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I did end the relationship with the current GF last night. I am happy with my life and content with everything else but missing the EX. Not looking for someone to make me feel good and I don't feel bad about myself. Just sad missing what I thought I had and now the EX is asking for a second chance.

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Originally Posted by Pengil

Having been through a situation with many similarities to yours, I would, hands down, not advise going back to your ex. You can definitely forgive her, but that doesn't mean you have to, or should, go back to her. Instead of thinking of it in terms of potential self-preservation, try to think of it as something that would be good for the growth of both of you: You are saving yourself from being used, manipulated, and (probably) cheated on again, while she desperately needs, NEEDS to learn that she can't just rebuild bridges after burning them down. As much as it sucks, ultimately, you win, she wins, and whomever the two of you end up actually dating will win as well.

First loves are tough, especially if it was fairly long-term, and especially if the breakup wasn't mutual. I feel you on so many levels with this, and my words come from my own experience. Block the ex, have someone you trust delete her phone number. Tell your current girlfriend how you've been feeling, and give her the option to move on if you're undecided what to do there (this sounds sucky, but it is so much less cruel for her than walking a tightrope and wondering whether or not she'll be dumped for someone else when she wakes up every day). Lean on your friends, cry if you need to, and consider looking into some sort of counseling or therapy to help you resolve your feelings about your ex and the fallout of those feelings. In another 5 years, I bet you'll end up being really, really happy with yourself. :)

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It has been almost 3 years and still miss her very much. So many little things meant so much. I have always been completely honest with the current GF. She hopes to change me. LOL. You cant change anyone. Just like I cant change who the EX is. Just makes me sad that the EX is that way.

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Originally Posted by hilabeans

You've gotten great advice. You are in love with the idea of your ex - the crazy, sexy, cool, kooky - whatever - that made you fall in love in with her in the first place. But the REAL her was treacherous with your love.

She still holds power over you. That is the reality. It sucks - for you and your innocent current GF. But because she left you (in a totally selfish and despicable way, by the way), she's the unattainable fruit and you have no closure, so that gives her this undeserved measure of power over you.

For your own sanity I would cease all communication with the ex. You don't need her as a GF and you don't need her as a friend. She wields too much control over your heart, and your heart cannot be trusted. To me, the WAY she left you - that alone is enough to chop her out of your life for good. That is cold blooded and cruel. We don't know her side - heck, maybe you deserved it (devil's advocate), but if everything is as you said, those personality traits don't go away. They just get masked for a bit.

If you are thinking clearly, with your head and power of reason, and you truly have no love for your GF, then you should end it. But I would never do it with the thought of freeing up space for the ex. That tiger showed you her stripes and you should consider her an ex for good.

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Originally Posted by C.Marie

After thinking on the dilemma you are facing, I don't want to come across as self righteous, speaking as a woman that has been single for a very long time, my question to you is do you want someone in your life or do you need someone? It toke me forever to realize I don't need someone in my life just to take up time and space, would I like a great guy to watch Star Trek reruns, bring my a delicious dinner (taco bell bean burrito) random make fart noises with, sing off key sure sounds fun but I figure if it happens it happens if not there is always the tried and true , Crazy Cat Lady to fall back on :rofl: whatever you choice do it because it feels right to the very center of your being don't chase ghost those are better left in scrap books. Best wishes always :P

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I think all this adds up to just being alone again. I am ok with being alone. Just sad the EX is the way she is. I ended things with the current GF last night. Was honest with her all along. She was hoping to change things by being a better option that would love and care for me. I don't love her though and so have ended it.

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Originally Posted by Skyrivers

I did end the relationship with the current GF last night. I am happy with my life and content with everything else but missing the EX. Not looking for someone to make me feel good and I don't feel bad about myself. Just sad missing what I thought I had and now the EX is asking for a second chance.






It has been almost 3 years and still miss her very much. So many little things meant so much. I have always been completely honest with the current GF. She hopes to change me. LOL. You cant change anyone. Just like I cant change who the EX is. Just makes me sad that the EX is that way.

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I'm glad you ended things last night. I truly believe it's best for BOTH of you. Spend some time with you, take care of yourself first. You've got your snakes to care for and spend time with. They won't try to change you and they won't ditch you and destroy your heart. (Well, snakes are escape artists, maybe a bad analogy, but you get my point, hahaha)

That is what Great Danes are for. Such wonderful loving cuddle bugs.

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Originally Posted by craigafrechette

I'm glad you ended things last night. I truly believe it's best for BOTH of you. Spend some time with you, take care of yourself first. You've got your snakes to care for and spend time with. They won't try to change you and they won't ditch you and destroy your heart. (Well, snakes are escape artists, maybe a bad analogy, but you get my point, hahaha)

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Those are two totally adorable "therapists" you've got there! :D

I agree with hillabeans cut all communication. Block her on every outlet. You can forgive bit never forget. her contacting you is allowing her control over you. I have been there. Block her on all media and change your #. You can't move on if she is allowed to contact you. Give her a final goodbye text to say your peace and end all communication. I wish you well in this journey it is a rough one.

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