Do you think it's ok?

Do you think it's ok for spouses/partners to hide purchases from each other? I mean, I can see if you were doing well and didn't have bills to pay, but what about if you did have bills to pay and your spouse spent a considerable amount of money and hid it from you? Just wanting to get some opinions.

Nope. I think it's odd and unnecessary. I tell my husband when I spend money and vise versa so we have that knowledge in case we need to avoid spending etc. I don't necessarily ask permission, I just keep him in the know. I told him the other day that I wrote my mom a check for $200 and he in turn told me he gave $100 to someone that needed it. No problem. We aren't rolling in money but we can pay our bills. I think it is just a mutual respect thing. Now I don't tell him every purchase I make, lol and neither does he. But in general we communicate it pretty well and don't hide anything for sure. This is all my opinion though :)

I'd have to say no. Not even a little.

I'd say anything under 50-100 is fine, but I'm just saying that if you spend more than $100 on something, you should tell your partner. It is a respect thing. Especially when you're struggling to pay the bills and one person is trying to keep the two of you above water, and the other person is spending and hiding it.

Depends on who pays the bills and whose names are on the accounts. If you split the bills equally and each half always pays and if you both have your own separate accounts, then yea sure, why not? If my spouse wanted to drop $500 on a pair of shoes or a purse, go for it. As long as you pay what you're supposed to, I could care less what you do with your money.

If the couple is trying to save up for something together, like say a new car, and one is spending all their spare money on randomn crap, then yea thats not fair.

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Originally Posted by NormanSnake

Especially when you're struggling to pay the bills and one person is trying to keep the two of you above water, and the other person is spending and hiding it.

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Nope, not ok at all then. Dump his ass and find a man thats a PARTNER, not a leech. :gj:

There's a difference between hiding that you spent it, and just not telling your partner that you spent it. I don't send a text every time I drop $10 at Mc Donald's, but if I spend any amount of money on anything and the thought crosses my mind that I'm spending money, then I say something. If you find yourself thinking about the amount or what you're buying, then you should tell your partner about the expenditure. Especially if you aren't in a great financial position. Everything one of you spends requires the other to make a sacrifice, so keeping them in the dark about it isn't very respectful.

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Originally Posted by Mike41793

Nope, not ok at all then. Dump his ass and find a man thats a PARTNER, not a leech. :gj:

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Oh yeah Mike, I'll just waltz on out and grab me one up pronto :P

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Originally Posted by NormanSnake

Oh yeah Mike, I'll just waltz on out and grab me one up pronto :P

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No need to find someone right away. Please, for the love of God tell me you're not one of those people who think a bad relationship is better than no relationship. Not that I'm assuming your relationship is bad, but hiding big purchases is pretty bad. Now, if you hound him for every small purchase he makes, or remind him all the time that you're the breadwinner and believe he shouldn't be spending money, he might feel oppressed enough to try hiding an impulse buy. I don't see why someone would believe that they can succeed in keeping a purchase hidden from their partner forever, especially if they live with them, so are you sure they were truly hiding it or just didn't feel the need to tell you?

Only if its a special occasion and its meant to be a surprise. Other than that no way. My wife and I are comfortable enough to have some fun but we tell each other that we spent some money. If I am even thinking about purchasing something thats more than 50 bucks I discuss it with her and get her input, deliberate a bit and then decide whether or not its necessary. I like the cushion and the breathing room we have created. I am one to impulse buy on occasion but no matter what I let her know I spent some money that day. We like to stay on top of our finances because it can easily become the biggest headache in a relationship.

My ex I was with for five years did this to me, after she moved into my house it was the worst. She refused to work instead I paid all bills and bought her everything she needed to survive an she would still take my debit card an buy unneeded crap an the budget be damned. I booted her out after she made my tax return disappear

Bills are always primary. As soon as I get paid, we go out and have a good meal. Then that night we sit down pay all the bills (they're all online) and then we know what's left. Now we're saving up, and we normally have expenses (crickets, paper towels, groceries), but do pretty well. We've only ever paid one bill late.

My wife isn't comfortable spending large amounts of money. In fact if she goes over the 25 dollar mark I hear about it. Same for me, usually she's with me when I buy something expensive. So, I never really hide anything and neither does she.

If your significant other is unemployed they damn sure better not be spending anything on anything besides what they made themselves on extra food. I donate plasma for bs money, and that funds my cravings and stuff. I don't spend OUR money on anything but bills and stuff for US.

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Originally Posted by NormanSnake

Do you think it's ok for spouses/partners to hide purchases from each other? I mean, I can see if you were doing well and didn't have bills to pay, but what about if you did have bills to pay and your spouse spent a considerable amount of money and hid it from you? Just wanting to get some opinions.

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^ Based on this, I have to disagree with Andy's first statement.

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Originally Posted by Andybill

Only if its a special occasion and its meant to be a surprise.

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I don't care how awesome it might be to get a new big screen tv - if we can't afford to pay the power bill, credit card debt, grocery bill, etc., then my "partner" (using the term loosely in this case) has NO business spending money that needs to go elsewhere, especially without my knowledge. This is one of the deal-breakers that finally sent my ex packing after five years.

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Originally Posted by Annarose15

I don't care how awesome it might be to get a new big screen tv - if we can't afford to pay the power bill, credit card debt, grocery bill, etc., then my "partner" (using the term loosely in this case) has NO business spending money that needs to go elsewhere, especially without my knowledge. This is one of the deal-breakers that finally sent my ex packing after five years.

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This. This is what I'm talking about. I don't think someone should be spending money when you've both agreed that it is going elsewhere (especially when you live together). After all, tv's are great, but so are groceries. You can't eat a tv. I don't care whose money you're spending if you live together because when you're both trying to pay bills, you have to think about each other and not make large purchases for yourself and then hide it. Honesty is key here.

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Originally Posted by NormanSnake

Oh yeah Mike, I'll just waltz on out and grab me one up pronto :P

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Why do you need to be in a relationship?

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Originally Posted by Kodieh

Bills are always primary. As soon as I get paid, we go out and have a good meal. Then that night we sit down pay all the bills (they're all online) and then we know what's left. Now we're saving up, and we normally have expenses (crickets, paper towels, groceries), but do pretty well. We've only ever paid one bill late.

My wife isn't comfortable spending large amounts of money. In fact if she goes over the 25 dollar mark I hear about it. Same for me, usually she's with me when I buy something expensive. So, I never really hide anything and neither does she.

If your significant other is unemployed they damn sure better not be spending anything on anything besides what they made themselves on extra food. I donate plasma for bs money, and that funds my cravings and stuff. I don't spend OUR money on anything but bills and stuff for US.

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Im so cheap I'd be the same way. I hate spending money on most stuff lol.

"Ughhhh i just had to spend $40 on gas... :(. Ohhhh lookit that $600 snake! Thats a good deal!" LOL

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Originally Posted by Mike41793

Why do you need to be in a relationship?

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you said it, not me. I don't, and this may sound selfish, but it sure makes things a heck of a lot easier financially if there are two people pulling the weight and not just one.

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Originally Posted by NormanSnake

you said it, not me. I don't, and this may sound selfish, but it sure makes things a heck of a lot easier financially if there are two people pulling the weight and not just one.

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You misunderstood what i meant then... I didn't mean you HAD to right away lol.

It is easier if two people are paying bills, that doesn't seem to be the case here though from what you've said. You seem to be pulling more of the weight.

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Originally Posted by Mike41793

You misunderstood what i meant then... I didn't mean you HAD to right away lol.

It is easier if two people are paying bills, that doesn't seem to be the case here though from what you've said. You seem to be pulling more of the weight.

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But I don't pull all of the weight. And being in school makes it kind of hard to get a job that does pull all of the weight.

So if your decision is to change nothing then what was the point of the thread...? You can't honestly tell me you thought that someone was gunna say "yea its totally ok to make big purchases behind your partners back!"

No, it is not OK. I've been married for more than 30 years. Neither of us would make a major purchase without discussing it with the other, especially if it put us in a tight position with the monthly bills.

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Originally Posted by Mike41793

So if your decision is to change nothing then what was the point of the thread...? You can't honestly tell me you thought that someone was gunna say "yea its totally ok to make big purchases behind your partners back!"

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Of course not but I'm in a special situation that I won't go into detail on, and it has left me with very few options.

EDIT: I re-read that and I just want to clarify that I am not pregnant. lol

No I don’t believe hiding a purchase is okay. If it’s something little it doesn’t really matter, but anything more than a few $20s I always discuss. Now, exactly what they buy doesn’t matter to me. As long as we get our bills paid and we aren’t saving up for something special, then who cares, it’s her money. But we also own a home together and split our bills, so if it was to cut into that that wouldn’t be okay. My thing is, is I just want to be informed. Sometimes we have to remind each other that we’re saving for something and maybe shouldn’t make a certain purchase. It’s always good to consult, better safe than sorry. We both make enough to pay the bills with a little spending money leftover (we split bills, but not paychecks), but even then I always tell her what I’m buying (I’m not asking permission…unless its an animal haha), just to let her know out of respect

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Originally Posted by NormanSnake

Of course not but I'm in a special situation that I won't go into detail on, and it has left me with very few options.

EDIT: I re-read that and I just want to clarify that I am not pregnant. lol

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Ok :rolleyes:

Well then I think everyone has confirmed for you that no, it is not right.

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Originally Posted by Mike41793

Im so cheap I'd be the same way. I hate spending money on most stuff lol.

"Ughhhh i just had to spend $40 on gas... :(. Ohhhh lookit that $600 snake! Thats a good deal!" LOL

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hahahaha that's me TO A T

I'm thinking the OP didn't so much want solutions to a problem, but rather, wanted confirmation that their own feelings on the matter are sound.

That being said, I'll give my thoughts on the matter anyhow. :P

A successful partnership between two loving people is built on respect and trust. You can love someone but not respect them, and/or not trust them. Not having respect or trust does not make the love any less real or important. But the partnership will never be successful without those.

Our finances is one critical area in which respect and trust are paramount. If you know you can't trust him/her with the finances, but you love them enough to stay with them anyhow, then you'll need to work hard at finding SOME way to keep all the bills paid as well as keeping harmony in the house.

If there's any way to do it, maybe set up separate accounts....one main account for all the household bills that is controlled only by the most responsible partner...and then separate spending accounts for each person to spend as they wish. If they want something expensive, they'll have to save "their own money" for it, but won't need to ask permission to spend it.

There ARE ways to get around this kind of problem and keep the relationship together, but it will take a lot of effort, open communication, and a willingness of both partners to work on it. In the end though....a partnership without full trust in all areas is destined to be an uncomfortable road to travel, at the very least.

Thanks JLC. That's great information.

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Originally Posted by Annarose15

^ Based on this, I have to disagree with Andy's first statement.



I don't care how awesome it might be to get a new big screen tv - if we can't afford to pay the power bill, credit card debt, grocery bill, etc., then my "partner" (using the term loosely in this case) has NO business spending money that needs to go elsewhere, especially without my knowledge. This is one of the deal-breakers that finally sent my ex packing after five years.

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I guess that is the advantage of being happily married and holding a joint account. We both are able to see where our money is going and that way I can make educated purchases for special occasions like I did a couple days ago (5 year wedding anniversary coming up :D). I am one to buy a gift for my wife and tell her not to look at the bank statement. For one I dont like her knowing how much I spend on her and 2 I dont want her finding out where I bought her gift. We most certainly pay bills but we work hard to have a little extra for occasions like this. I wont put ourselves at risk of not being able to make our payments because I really want that big screen tv. But I am a full supporter of surprise purchases when an educated and thought out decision was made during the purchase. Maybe I am just a little off base here.

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Originally Posted by Andybill

I guess that is the advantage of being happily married and holding a joint account. We both are able to see where our money is going and that way I can make educated purchases for special occasions like I did a couple days ago (5 year wedding anniversary coming up :D). I am one to buy a gift for my wife and tell her not to look at the bank statement. For one I dont like her knowing how much I spend on her and 2 I dont want her finding out where I bought her gift. We most certainly pay bills but we work hard to have a little extra for occasions like this. I wont put ourselves at risk of not being able to make our payments because I really want that big screen tv. But I am a full supporter of surprise purchases when an educated and thought out decision was made during the purchase. Maybe I am just a little off base here.

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I don't think you're off base at all. This is where that TRUST comes in that I was talking about. When the partners can trust each other to not screw up the primary household budget, then special gifts can be bought from time to time, without having to discuss it before hand. I'd add "within reason" to that statement, but "within reason" will vary a great deal from one couple to another.

My husband has spent several hundred dollars at a time on surprise gifts for me. I TRUST that he is fully aware of our household budget and needs and that he knows we can afford such a purchase. And he also trusts that I have not drained the account through frivolous spending, and therefore he can be certain that we can afford it.

But at the same time, if he presented me with a brand new car on Christmas morning, without us having had a LONG talk about such a thing....we'd have a problem. That new car would have too deep of an impact on our overall financial health and well being to be a suitable "surprise" gift. But for someone raking in a seven-figure salary every year, such a gift might be perfectly ok.

There's no single right answer for everyone on this subject. We all have different financial commitments and incomes, as well as completely different personalities, strengths, and weaknesses, that must all be taken into account when navigating the minefield of big-dollar surprise gifts.

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Originally Posted by JLC

I don't think you're off base at all. This is where that TRUST comes in that I was talking about. When the partners can trust each other to not screw up the primary household budget, then special gifts can be bought from time to time, without having to discuss it before hand. I'd add "within reason" to that statement, but "within reason" will vary a great deal from one couple to another.

My husband has spent several hundred dollars at a time on surprise gifts for me. I TRUST that he is fully aware of our household budget and needs and that he knows we can afford such a purchase. And he also trusts that I have not drained the account through frivolous spending, and therefore he can be certain that we can afford it.

But at the same time, if he presented me with a brand new car on Christmas morning, without us having had a LONG talk about such a thing....we'd have a problem. That new car would have too deep of an impact on our overall financial health and well being to be a suitable "surprise" gift. But for someone raking in a seven-figure salary every year, such a gift might be perfectly ok.

There's no single right answer for everyone on this subject. We all have different financial commitments and incomes, as well as completely different personalities, strengths, and weaknesses, that must all be taken into account when navigating the minefield of big-dollar surprise gifts.

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Lol! Thanks Judy I was thinking as soon as I posted I should add "within reason" but you cleared that up for me! :gj: And I completely agree with every point you make here. Especially the car on Christmas morning thing! Lol! That would make me angry!

Unless i's a like a birthday present for you or something, then no if it's a lot. My wife and I have a standing rule that we consult each other on anything that cost over $100 before before buying it.

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Originally Posted by NormanSnake

you said it, not me. I don't, and this may sound selfish, but it sure makes things a heck of a lot easier financially if there are two people pulling the weight and not just one.

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Its called a ~~roommate~~

Kaorte, don't you live in chicago? I live in small town oklahoma :P

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I live in CT in a small town.

Yes but that doesn't mean you can't find a roommate. Or you could just move to a city :) :)

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Originally Posted by Mike41793

I live in CT in a small town.

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And do you have a roommate? lol

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Originally Posted by NormanSnake

And do you have a roommate? lol

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Actually, he does. Lol.

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Could always come back to stilly. I can get you in touch with the herpetology club. They even band together for large rat orders too.

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Originally Posted by Kodieh

Could always come back to stilly. I can get you in touch with the herpetology club. They even band together for large rat orders too.

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That is so not happening. I hated living there.

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Originally Posted by NormanSnake

That is so not happening. I hated living there.

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HAHA. I love stilly in the summer. Drive for 10 minutes in town and see no one.

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Originally Posted by NormanSnake

And do you have a roommate? lol

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Yep.