Do you think it's ok?

[Don]

No, it is not OK. I've been married for more than 30 years. Neither of us would make a major purchase without discussing it with the other, especially if it put us in a tight position with the monthly bills.

[NormanSnake]

So if your decision is to change nothing then what was the point of the thread...? You can't honestly tell me you thought that someone was gunna say "yea its totally ok to make big purchases behind your partners back!"

Of course not but I'm in a special situation that I won't go into detail on, and it has left me with very few options.

EDIT: I re-read that and I just want to clarify that I am not pregnant. lol

[SnowShredder]

No I don’t believe hiding a purchase is okay. If it’s something little it doesn’t really matter, but anything more than a few $20s I always discuss. Now, exactly what they buy doesn’t matter to me. As long as we get our bills paid and we aren’t saving up for something special, then who cares, it’s her money. But we also own a home together and split our bills, so if it was to cut into that that wouldn’t be okay. My thing is, is I just want to be informed. Sometimes we have to remind each other that we’re saving for something and maybe shouldn’t make a certain purchase. It’s always good to consult, better safe than sorry. We both make enough to pay the bills with a little spending money leftover (we split bills, but not paychecks), but even then I always tell her what I’m buying (I’m not asking permission…unless its an animal haha), just to let her know out of respect

[Mike41793]

Of course not but I'm in a special situation that I won't go into detail on, and it has left me with very few options.

EDIT: I re-read that and I just want to clarify that I am not pregnant. lol

Ok

Well then I think everyone has confirmed for you that no, it is not right.

[SnowShredder]

Im so cheap I'd be the same way. I hate spending money on most stuff lol.

"Ughhhh i just had to spend $40 on gas... . Ohhhh lookit that $600 snake! Thats a good deal!" LOL

hahahaha that's me TO A T

[JLC]

I'm thinking the OP didn't so much want solutions to a problem, but rather, wanted confirmation that their own feelings on the matter are sound.

That being said, I'll give my thoughts on the matter anyhow.

A successful partnership between two loving people is built on respect and trust. You can love someone but not respect them, and/or not trust them. Not having respect or trust does not make the love any less real or important. But the partnership will never be successful without those.

Our finances is one critical area in which respect and trust are paramount. If you know you can't trust him/her with the finances, but you love them enough to stay with them anyhow, then you'll need to work hard at finding SOME way to keep all the bills paid as well as keeping harmony in the house.

If there's any way to do it, maybe set up separate accounts....one main account for all the household bills that is controlled only by the most responsible partner...and then separate spending accounts for each person to spend as they wish. If they want something expensive, they'll have to save "their own money" for it, but won't need to ask permission to spend it.

There ARE ways to get around this kind of problem and keep the relationship together, but it will take a lot of effort, open communication, and a willingness of both partners to work on it. In the end though....a partnership without full trust in all areas is destined to be an uncomfortable road to travel, at the very least.

[NormanSnake]

Thanks JLC. That's great information.

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[Andybill]

^ Based on this, I have to disagree with Andy's first statement.



I don't care how awesome it might be to get a new big screen tv - if we can't afford to pay the power bill, credit card debt, grocery bill, etc., then my "partner" (using the term loosely in this case) has NO business spending money that needs to go elsewhere, especially without my knowledge. This is one of the deal-breakers that finally sent my ex packing after five years.

I guess that is the advantage of being happily married and holding a joint account. We both are able to see where our money is going and that way I can make educated purchases for special occasions like I did a couple days ago (5 year wedding anniversary coming up ). I am one to buy a gift for my wife and tell her not to look at the bank statement. For one I dont like her knowing how much I spend on her and 2 I dont want her finding out where I bought her gift. We most certainly pay bills but we work hard to have a little extra for occasions like this. I wont put ourselves at risk of not being able to make our payments because I really want that big screen tv. But I am a full supporter of surprise purchases when an educated and thought out decision was made during the purchase. Maybe I am just a little off base here.

[JLC]

I guess that is the advantage of being happily married and holding a joint account. We both are able to see where our money is going and that way I can make educated purchases for special occasions like I did a couple days ago (5 year wedding anniversary coming up ). I am one to buy a gift for my wife and tell her not to look at the bank statement. For one I dont like her knowing how much I spend on her and 2 I dont want her finding out where I bought her gift. We most certainly pay bills but we work hard to have a little extra for occasions like this. I wont put ourselves at risk of not being able to make our payments because I really want that big screen tv. But I am a full supporter of surprise purchases when an educated and thought out decision was made during the purchase. Maybe I am just a little off base here.

I don't think you're off base at all. This is where that TRUST comes in that I was talking about. When the partners can trust each other to not screw up the primary household budget, then special gifts can be bought from time to time, without having to discuss it before hand. I'd add "within reason" to that statement, but "within reason" will vary a great deal from one couple to another.

My husband has spent several hundred dollars at a time on surprise gifts for me. I TRUST that he is fully aware of our household budget and needs and that he knows we can afford such a purchase. And he also trusts that I have not drained the account through frivolous spending, and therefore he can be certain that we can afford it.

But at the same time, if he presented me with a brand new car on Christmas morning, without us having had a LONG talk about such a thing....we'd have a problem. That new car would have too deep of an impact on our overall financial health and well being to be a suitable "surprise" gift. But for someone raking in a seven-figure salary every year, such a gift might be perfectly ok.

There's no single right answer for everyone on this subject. We all have different financial commitments and incomes, as well as completely different personalities, strengths, and weaknesses, that must all be taken into account when navigating the minefield of big-dollar surprise gifts.

[Andybill]

I don't think you're off base at all. This is where that TRUST comes in that I was talking about. When the partners can trust each other to not screw up the primary household budget, then special gifts can be bought from time to time, without having to discuss it before hand. I'd add "within reason" to that statement, but "within reason" will vary a great deal from one couple to another.

My husband has spent several hundred dollars at a time on surprise gifts for me. I TRUST that he is fully aware of our household budget and needs and that he knows we can afford such a purchase. And he also trusts that I have not drained the account through frivolous spending, and therefore he can be certain that we can afford it.

But at the same time, if he presented me with a brand new car on Christmas morning, without us having had a LONG talk about such a thing....we'd have a problem. That new car would have too deep of an impact on our overall financial health and well being to be a suitable "surprise" gift. But for someone raking in a seven-figure salary every year, such a gift might be perfectly ok.

There's no single right answer for everyone on this subject. We all have different financial commitments and incomes, as well as completely different personalities, strengths, and weaknesses, that must all be taken into account when navigating the minefield of big-dollar surprise gifts.

Lol! Thanks Judy I was thinking as soon as I posted I should add "within reason" but you cleared that up for me! And I completely agree with every point you make here. Especially the car on Christmas morning thing! Lol! That would make me angry!