Really need some advice

I have a 16 year old daughter that is smoking cigarettes. My daughter does not live with me, she lives with my ex-husband. I have tried talking to her about this and all she says to me is that it is ok, it's not like I'm addicted or anything, and it's my choice. I talk to my daugther on a regular basis. I know that my ex-husband does not know that our daughter is smoking. My child hangs out with a "bad bunch" and I am convinced this is why she is smoking. Now, my ex and I do not talk at all. I know how to get in contact with him though. My question is this, Do I talk to him and tell him what our daughter is doing or do I just keep my mouth shut? I am having a hard time keeping this to myself. My child is having a rough time adapting to my not being there. Unfortunately, this is the way it has to be right now. She does not believe in God either. I am not trying to turn this into a religious debate. I really just need some good sound advice here. Thanks for reading this.

Tell her father. no matter what, as a parent he needs to know, and be aware of what she is doing, even if you two aren't together any longer, it still will take both of you to parent your child.

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Originally Posted by llovelace

tell her father, no matter what, as a parent he needs to know.

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Thank you. I was really hoping that you would respond to this because you always have the best advice. I am going to tell him no matter what happens. I can't allow this to go on any further.

personally i say tell her father. until she is of age to make her own decisions she is still a minor AND still the parents responsibility and obligation. i would have him step in and do something about it as she cannot feel as if she makes all the rules..


just my .02

good luck

I would see if he was willing to sit down with you for a discussion in a neutral environment. If you aren't close by then a phone call will have to do. Your daughter will resent the interference but he has to know whats going on (in my opinion:))

I'm sorry that you are in a rough situation. I hope thing go the best they can!

Be prepared she will be upset when he finds out, and will most likely lash out in some way at you, teenagers can be hurtful (trust me), but you'd rather her hurt a little now, than go down the wrong road and make mistakes that will permanently effect the rest of her life.

I thank God each & every day that I survived the teen years with my 3. Just keep the lines of communication open & honest with her.

I agree with everyone, both parents have to know. I'm pretty much your daughter's age, and I have friends her age who smoke, and I've had friends who stopped, and of all the ones who stopped, both their parents knew and they both contributed to their quitting.

If only one parent knows about it, then it's going to be really tough to break her of smoking because she'll just do it behind the other parent's back anyways. Just my $0.02

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Originally Posted by Alexandra V

I agree with everyone, both parents have to know. I'm pretty much your daughter's age, and I have friends her age who smoke, and I've had friends who stopped, and of all the ones who stopped, both their parents knew and they both contributed to their quitting.

If only one parent knows about it, then it's going to be really tough to break her of smoking because she'll just do it behind the other parent's back anyways. Just my $0.02

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Thank you so much for your response. It really means a lot to me to have you give advice like this. You are a very intelligent young lady and you are very wise for your age.

we were all 16 at point, still doesnt mean you cant cut your daughter any slack maybe she just needs some momy love, some bonding time? and i think your going alright with that religious thing my family got me into catholosism and for the record i learned my lesson by getting an old fashion whiping, hope things work out for you two

I can relate to this as I have a 15 year old daughter and am also in the middle of a divorce and have custody of my 3 children. I was on the other side of the coin so to speak though, as my ex-wife did keep a secret from me regarding something that happened to my daughter. When I found out, I was highly upset with her for being a "Friend" rather than being a parent. It's tough when a kid tells you they hate you, or tries to pit divorced parents against each other (not saying this is the case but it happens). But, as I have told my kids, I wasn't put on this earth to be your friend. I was put here to be your parent. If you don't like my decisions, obviously I must be doing it right. Just my OP.

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Originally Posted by PghBall

I can relate to this as I have a 15 year old daughter and am also in the middle of a divorce and have custody of my 3 children. I was on the other side of the coin so to speak though, as my ex-wife did keep a secret from me regarding something that happened to my daughter. When I found out, I was highly upset with her for being a "Friend" rather than being a parent. It's tough when a kid tells you they hate you, or tries to pit divorced parents against each other (not saying this is the case but it happens). But, as I have told my kids, I wasn't put on this earth to be your friend. I was put here to be your parent. If you don't like my decisions, obviously I must be doing it right. Just my OP.

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This is great advice also! I know I am going to get the whole "I hate you!" bit but obviously I need to be a responsible parent here and do the right thing. I really appreciate your input!

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Originally Posted by ballpythonluvr

This is great advice also! I know I am going to get the whole "I hate you!" bit but obviously I need to be a responsible parent here and do the right thing. I really appreciate your input!

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Explain it to her this way, A. She's only 16 and still a minor. That makes both you and your ex directly responsible for her actions. B. Although it is a choice she can make, until she is 18, it's your choice to try and stop her. Be tough, but fair. Don't worry about the "I hate you!" stuff. That will come to pass. Just smile and tell her "I still love you though". Let her know that being a parent isn't always easy. And someday when she is older, she'll understand why you did what you did.

I'm going to play a little devil's advocate here, because I have been divorced and successfully co-parenting my kids for 9 years now...

Does your ex husband smoke? And if not, do you really think that he doesn't know? You say that you KNOW he doesn't know, even though you have no communication with him. Are you just taking your daughter's word that he doesn't know? How can you be so sure about that? I guarantee that if he is not a smoker and is ever around your daughter, he knows. A non-smoker can smell a smoker from a block away. And if he IS a smoker, she's just following the example that's been set forth by her primary parent.

I don't know your situation or why you don't speak to your ex, but I can tell you that you will likely be met with resentment and hostility if you haven't had an active role in parenting this child and you try to step in and do it now. If you want to be an active parent and have any input into how she is being raised, you have to be able to put aside your personal differences and maintain an open line of communication. You don't have to be friends, but you have to be able to have a civil conversation wherein both parties hold the child's best interests above their own...

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Originally Posted by Inknsteel

I'm going to play a little devil's advocate here, because I have been divorced and successfully co-parenting my kids for 9 years now...

Does your ex husband smoke? And if not, do you really think that he doesn't know? You say that you KNOW he doesn't know, even though you have no communication with him. Are you just taking your daughter's word that he doesn't know? How can you be so sure about that? I guarantee that if he is not a smoker and is ever around your daughter, he knows. A non-smoker can smell a smoker from a block away. And if he IS a smoker, she's just following the example that's been set forth by her primary parent.

I don't know your situation or why you don't speak to your ex, but I can tell you that you will likely be met with resentment and hostility if you haven't had an active role in parenting this child and you try to step in and do it now. If you want to be an active parent and have any input into how she is being raised, you have to be able to put aside your personal differences and maintain an open line of communication. You don't have to be friends, but you have to be able to have a civil conversation wherein both parties hold the child's best interests above their own...

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Well, it turns out you are correct. My ex does in fact know that our daughter is smoking and in fact he is ok with it. I was just going on what I THOUGHT I knew here. I know since I am not there I really ultimately have no say in what my child is allowed to do. However, I am a concerned mother and just want what is best for my daughter. I do not agree with letting her smoke and I let him know that, but since he is there and I am not, what can I do really? I just had to let him know my concerns and I also had to let my daughter know that I love her and care about her.

And I think you absolutely made the right decision. Just because you aren't physically there doesn't mean you have no parental rights, unless you have relinquished those rights to allow someone else to file for legal adoption. Again, not knowing the circumstances I can't really go into too much depth here, but an open line of communication is absolutely key. You should be able to communicate your wishes for your daughter and he should be receptive enough to at least hear you out. Whether or not he agrees with you and what he ultimately does about the situation is out of your control, but you can at least know that you did what you can. Keep on your daughter about it without coming across as a harping nag. Make sure she knows that you aren't happy about her decision to smoke because you're concerned about her health and well-being. 16 is a tough age because it's when teenagers seem to think they know everything there is to know about the world... Somewhere around 25 or 30, she'll figure out that she really had no idea and mom was right all along... Just hang in there and know that she loves you, even when she says "I hate you" it doesn't mean that she hates you. She still loves you, just hates that she is not in control of her life yet...

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Originally Posted by ballpythonluvr

Well, it turns out you are correct. My ex does in fact know that our daughter is smoking and in fact he is ok with it. I was just going on what I THOUGHT I knew here. I know since I am not there I really ultimately have no say in what my child is allowed to do. However, I am a concerned mother and just want what is best for my daughter. I do not agree with letting her smoke and I let him know that, but since he is there and I am not, what can I do really? I just had to let him know my concerns and I also had to let my daughter know that I love her and care about her.

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Don't know you and your ex's situation with custody and all. But, I'll assume that you share some sort of physical custody with him since you do have contact (or it seems you do from your OP). If you have some sort of physical custody, I'll also assume that you have some legal custody as well. First and foremost, the courts usually look out for the best interest of children when placing custody with the parents. Unless an agreement is made between the parties beforehand. Smoking, although not against the law, would in my op not be in the best interests of the child due to potential health risks. Not that I am an opponent of smokers, I have friends that smoke and I used to smoke years back but have quit. Your Ex, if condoning this behavior, is setting a bad example for your daughter (and siblings if there are any). I would continue to voice your concerns to both your Ex and your daughter. If he shuts you out or ignores your concerns, there is always mods that can be made to custody arrangements. I am not telling you to start a war, but if civil communication is not an option, the latter may be your only means to look after her best interests. I too have a rocky relationship with my ex, and do not talk to her unless it is regarding my children. When regarding my children, I try to put my feelings on hold and deal with the problem at hand. Afterwards, I can go back to disliking her as I wish.

Firstly, I would like to say that the lack of belief in a God will not harm her in any way or is a threat to her health in any way so I would say drop that. On the other hand, smoking WILLLLL harm her in basically every way!

The fact that your ex knows and is "OK" with it, completely complicates things.

I started smoking when I was 15 years old, and my parents never confronted me about it. I'm not sure if they even knew, because I would come home from school, and would be home alone for hours, and able to "freshen up" before anyone could find out.

If they did confront me about it, I would probably have reacted badly, because who wants to be told what to do when you're 15, 16, 17 years old and think you know everything there is to know about the world.

The best thing you could do I guess, is to educate her on the negative aspects of smoking. Don't tell her "SMOKING IS BAD. STOP NOW". That won't do any good, and she might just want to smoke MORE if you did that.
Have a serious discussion about how it can affect her SKIN (wrinkles around the mouth, yellowing of fingers), teeth (yellowing, falling out, gum disease), cause premature aging and other things like that. You can also mention all of the cancers, but a 16 year old always thinks their invincible to everything, therefore a 16 year old girl would probably care more about her looks than her health on the inside. Telling her all of the nasty things that could happen to her skin and teeth and such (in a short period of time) would scare most teenage girls more than saying "you could get cancer", and might have a bigger impact on her than you think.

Well, that's all I got for ya off the top of my head.
I stopped smoking after 4 years, and let me tell ya, it was no walk in the park. Probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. I quit during the first few months of my first year of University too!
It took a while, but here, 2 years later, I have been free of smoking since!

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Originally Posted by PghBall

Don't know you and your ex's situation with custody and all. But, I'll assume that you share some sort of physical custody with him since you do have contact (or it seems you do from your OP). If you have some sort of physical custody, I'll also assume that you have some legal custody as well. First and foremost, the courts usually look out for the best interest of children when placing custody with the parents. Unless an agreement is made between the parties beforehand. Smoking, although not against the law, would in my op not be in the best interests of the child due to potential health risks. Not that I am an opponent of smokers, I have friends that smoke and I used to smoke years back but have quit. Your Ex, if condoning this behavior, is setting a bad example for your daughter (and siblings if there are any). I would continue to voice your concerns to both your Ex and your daughter. If he shuts you out or ignores your concerns, there is always mods that can be made to custody arrangements. I am not telling you to start a war, but if civil communication is not an option, the latter may be your only means to look after her best interests. I too have a rocky relationship with my ex, and do not talk to her unless it is regarding my children. When regarding my children, I try to put my feelings on hold and deal with the problem at hand. Afterwards, I can go back to disliking her as I wish.

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While I agree with you to a certain extent, I think that we don't know the OPs situation and there are likely other factors that we don't know about that necessitated the current arrangement. I agree that the focus should be on the best interests of the child, but I don't advocate going through the courts to settle disagreements about day to day care. If there is no threat to the child's immediate well being, don't expect the courts to do anything, at least not quickly. You could be waiting months or longer to even get in front of a judge, who would more likely refer the parents to a mediator rather than effect a change in custody. Also, the courts would take the child's age into consideration. At 16 years old, the likelihood of being granted a change of residential custody over something like smoking is practically nil... Do what you can do and try to be content in the knowledge that you are doing everything that is within your power.

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Originally Posted by Inknsteel

While I agree with you to a certain extent, I think that we don't know the OPs situation and there are likely other factors that we don't know about that necessitated the current arrangement. I agree that the focus should be on the best interests of the child, but I don't advocate going through the courts to settle disagreements about day to day care. If there is no threat to the child's immediate well being, don't expect the courts to do anything, at least not quickly. You could be waiting months or longer to even get in front of a judge, who would more likely refer the parents to a mediator rather than effect a change in custody. Also, the courts would take the child's age into consideration. At 16 years old, the likelihood of being granted a change of residential custody over something like smoking is practically nil... Do what you can do and try to be content in the knowledge that you are doing everything that is within your power.

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You make a valid point. And I agree that we do not know her current custody arrangement (could live in another state etc). My main issue would be basically the fact that anyone with common sense would be "ok" with their teenage daughter doing something that could possibly endanger her life at some point in the future. It is easy to quit for some people (I quit cold turkey) but the fact remains that nicotine is a very addictive drug. Who's to say once hooked, she'd be able to stop without the aid of another drug (chantex, patch etc). The fact that any parent would be ok with that is just utterly stupid and careless on their part. You can agree or disagree with that but it is just my op.