Ladies of Bp.Net, I need some help.

I feel absolutely retarded for coming on here, and asking what you think of this. But I am sitting here and none of my 'friends' are responding to my texts. So. here it goes.

Have you ever dated a guy, who told you he wanted you to be less indepedent? And that the only reason why you have so many animals, aka snakes is that since they are animals they will never leave you because everyone else does? My boyfriend of almost 2 months told me this last night, and I mearly(sp) told him that it was because I've been raised with animals, have a deep passion for them and its something I love and makes me happy.

I don't know how to respond to this, we've been dating less than 2 months and he wants me to move in with him already. But told me I am only allowed to have a certain amount of snakes. I took him to one reptile show, and I know for a fact he won't go back. He kind of makes fun of it. I really like this guy, for once I've found someone who really does care and for once doesn't treat me like garbage. But he doesn't accept the hobbies, and things I love.

I should be the happiest girl alive right now, but instead I feel crappy. And have no idea how to deal with this. So if you have experience, I need some help because I honestly don't know if I can handle another disapointment, if this doesn't work. I give up.

I'm used to having some space, but he wants me with him every waking minute. He doesn't like doing what I do, only wants me out drinking every night with his friends. It's taking a toll on me, I work a lot and i'm exhausted. Mentally and physically. I was raised to be an independant woman, and not to depend on people. It's like hes asking me to change myself.

:(

Well I don't have the required lady parts to fit the bill with your thread title, but if he doesn't accept the things you love as legit then it could end up being an issue later on. This is a very young relationship, and it sounds like maybe you think things are going a bit fast. I learned a long time ago not to change who you are to suit your partner. Just ask my ex wife;)

I could not stand being with my boyfriend every waking minute. And I've been dating him 3 years.

He needs to respect your passion, your hobby. Do NOT move in with him after two months. It sounds like he's a bit more controlling than anything.

You never should be happy or not. You feel the way you feel about something. It's something that can not be changed, trust your instincts.

Be yourself, and if he doesn't like that, kick him to the side of the road. There will be plenty other men out there that will respect your passion more, as well as who you are and how often you want to see him.

Dump him now. He's a controller. He doesn't want you to have the animals because they take you attention away from him. He wants you to move in with him so you will be in "his space", and therefor more under his thumb. He's already dictacting to you what you will and will not have and do. He already doesn't make you happy, he doesn't want you to do what you like to do, so why are you even bothering to ask other people?

Why should you be the "happiest girl alive"? Just becuase he said he wants you to move in with him? You don't need him. You are your own person, with your own goals and life, and just wanting to be with someone just because they are willing to say yes is no reason at all.

Dump him. He's treating you like garbage already, he's just doing it with a smile on his face.

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Originally Posted by wolfy-hound

Dump him now. He's a controller. He doesn't want you to have the animals because they take you attention away from him. He wants you to move in with him so you will be in "his space", and therefor more under his thumb. He's already dictacting to you what you will and will not have and do. He already doesn't make you happy, he doesn't want you to do what you like to do, so why are you even bothering to ask other people?

Why should you be the "happiest girl alive"? Just becuase he said he wants you to move in with him? You don't need him. You are your own person, with your own goals and life, and just wanting to be with someone just because they are willing to say yes is no reason at all.

Dump him. He's treating you like garbage already, he's just doing it with a smile on his face.

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Yup.

Wolfy said it. You should take this advice.

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Originally Posted by waltah!

Well I don't have the required lady parts to fit the bill with your thread title, but if he doesn't accept the things you love as legit then it could end up being an issue later on. This is a very young relationship, and it sounds like maybe you think things are going a bit fast. I learned a long time ago not to change who I am to suit your partner. Just ask my ex wife;)

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Things are going way to fast for me, I'm not ready for it and I've tried explaining it to him but it's like it goes in one ear and out the other.

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Originally Posted by blackcrystal22

I could not stand being with my boyfriend every waking minute. And I've been dating him 3 years.

He needs to respect your passion, your hobby. Do NOT move in with him after two months. It sounds like he's a bit more controlling than anything.

You never should be happy or not. You feel the way you feel about something. It's something that can not be changed, trust your instincts.

Be yourself, and if he doesn't like that, kick him to the side of the road. There will be plenty other men out there that will respect your passion more, as well as who you are and how often you want to see him.

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I told him that seeing eachother everyday wasn't a great idea, every other day would be just fine because it gives you time to miss that person. He says his ex he dated for 5 years almost lived with him and she was always begging to hang with him everyday. I told him I am not his ex, and not everyone is like that. I am trying to trust my instincts, it's just hard when I thought he was the first actual decent guy to come into my life.

I'm afriad that if I let it go, nothing is ever going to happen.

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Originally Posted by wolfy-hound

Dump him now. He's a controller. He doesn't want you to have the animals because they take you attention away from him. He wants you to move in with him so you will be in "his space", and therefor more under his thumb. He's already dictacting to you what you will and will not have and do. He already doesn't make you happy, he doesn't want you to do what you like to do, so why are you even bothering to ask other people?

Why should you be the "happiest girl alive"? Just becuase he said he wants you to move in with him? You don't need him. You are your own person, with your own goals and life, and just wanting to be with someone just because they are willing to say yes is no reason at all.

Dump him. He's treating you like garbage already, he's just doing it with a smile on his face.

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Your right, I keep telling myself that I am happy. When deep down I really am not and it didn't hit me until tonight when he got upset that we couldn't hang out when we spent all day yesterday and the whole weekend together. He took me on a walk and talked to me about "commitment" and that he'd like it if I texted/called him more than I already do to tell him what I am doing during the day.

I am asking because I don't want to make the wrong decision and regret it, I told him straight up that I was not getting rid of any of my animals and had plans with what I wanted to go. He just thought it was funny because I was getting really defensive over an animal.

Agreed 100%. Great advice Wolfy.

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Originally Posted by wolfy-hound

Dump him now. He's a controller. He doesn't want you to have the animals because they take you attention away from him. He wants you to move in with him so you will be in "his space", and therefor more under his thumb. He's already dictacting to you what you will and will not have and do. He already doesn't make you happy, he doesn't want you to do what you like to do, so why are you even bothering to ask other people?

Why should you be the "happiest girl alive"? Just becuase he said he wants you to move in with him? You don't need him. You are your own person, with your own goals and life, and just wanting to be with someone just because they are willing to say yes is no reason at all.

Dump him. He's treating you like garbage already, he's just doing it with a smile on his face.

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Originally Posted by shescountry89

And that the only reason why you have so many animals, aka snakes is that since they are animals they will never leave you because everyone else does?

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Someone who said that to me would no longer be a friend, much less a boyfriend.
I consider a statement like that to be a huge red flag. This guy is trying to make you feel worthless, like he's doing you a favor by being your boyfriend.

He is NOT treating you well, he's just treating you crappy in a different way than others have before.

There are GOOD men out there. Seriously. You just have to keep looking, and be willing to throw back the fish that aren't worth keeping. You deserve someone who is supportive of your interests, and loves you for who you are. Remember, whether he loves you are not is irrelevant here. He isn't making you happy, so this isn't going to work. Try again with someone more compatible.

He doesn't respect what you want or what you enjoy.

Don't bother with it anymore if you are uncomfortable with that prospect.

I wouldn't.

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Originally Posted by shescountry89

I feel absolutely retarded for coming on here, and asking what you think of this. But I am sitting here and none of my 'friends' are responding to my texts. So. here it goes.

Have you ever dated a guy, who told you he wanted you to be less indepedent? And that the only reason why you have so many animals, aka snakes is that since they are animals they will never leave you because everyone else does? My boyfriend of almost 2 months told me this last night, and I mearly(sp) told him that it was because I've been raised with animals, have a deep passion for them and its something I love and makes me happy.

I don't know how to respond to this, we've been dating less than 2 months and he wants me to move in with him already. But told me I am only allowed to have a certain amount of snakes. I took him to one reptile show, and I know for a fact he won't go back. He kind of makes fun of it. I really like this guy, for once I've found someone who really does care and for once doesn't treat me like garbage. But he doesn't accept the hobbies, and things I love.

I should be the happiest girl alive right now, but instead I feel crappy. And have no idea how to deal with this. So if you have experience, I need some help because I honestly don't know if I can handle another disapointment, if this doesn't work. I give up.

I'm used to having some space, but he wants me with him every waking minute. He doesn't like doing what I do, only wants me out drinking every night with his friends. It's taking a toll on me, I work a lot and i'm exhausted. Mentally and physically. I was raised to be an independant woman, and not to depend on people. It's like hes asking me to change myself.

:(

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Alright, I am so glad I found your post! My last relation ship was just like this. We dated for two years, but just like you stated, very early on he is trying to take charge. From my findings of my last relationship, it's not going to work out either way. I will admit I was hooked on the guy, and I listened and got rid of my last snakes that I had, and we spent all the time in the world together, almost none of which was with my friends. But it doesn't end there... first it's the snakes, next they will want you to move in with them, maybe stop talking to certain friends that you have, etc.. Over all, they end up just wanting to be the dominate one, and control every aspect of your life, and I am not the one for that. I lost a lot of friends from that relation ship, and well, my animals of course.

I don't want to bring you down, I'm just saying, most likely it is not going to stop with just the snakes, it will continue into other things, and nothing will be good enough for him. I do wish you the best, and again, I don't want to bring you down, just wanted to let you in on my life so hopefully you will make the right decision for you.

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Originally Posted by shescountry89

Things are going way to fast for me, I'm not ready for it and I've tried explaining it to him but it's like it goes in one ear and out the other.

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Sounds like you are answering your own question.

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Originally Posted by WingedWolfPsion

Someone who said that to me would no longer be a friend, much less a boyfriend.
I consider a statement like that to be a huge red flag. This guy is trying to make you feel worthless, like he's doing you a favor by being your boyfriend.

He is NOT treating you well, he's just treating you crappy in a different way than others have before.

There are GOOD men out there. Seriously. You just have to keep looking, and be willing to throw back the fish that aren't worth keeping. You deserve someone who is supportive of your interests, and loves you for who you are. Remember, whether he loves you are not is irrelevant here. He isn't making you happy, so this isn't going to work. Try again with someone more compatible.

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I feel so stupid, because in a way I thought he was treating me alright until I realized what he is trying to do. I know that statment he made was pretty bad, I was kind of speechless and didn't know how to really respond for a minute 'cause I wasn't sure if he'd actually said it or I was dreaming it. I think i've been trying to make myself believe that I was really happy, because its what i want more than anything. I've never been that happy in my life except when I am doing something I love.

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Originally Posted by bsash

Alright, I am so glad I found your post! My last relation ship was just like this. We dated for two years, but just like you stated, very early on he is trying to take charge. From my findings of my last relationship, it's not going to work out either way. I will admit I was hooked on the guy, and I listened and got rid of my last snakes that I had, and we spent all the time in the world together, almost none of which was with my friends. But it doesn't end there... first it's the snakes, next they will want you to move in with them, maybe stop talking to certain friends that you have, etc.. Over all, they end up just wanting to be the dominate one, and control every aspect of your life, and I am not the one for that. I lost a lot of friends from that relation ship, and well, my animals of course.

I don't want to bring you down, I'm just saying, most likely it is not going to stop with just the snakes, it will continue into other things, and nothing will be good enough for him. I do wish you the best, and again, I don't want to bring you down, just wanted to let you in on my life so hopefully you will make the right decision for you.

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I think I just needed other people to tell me the hard truth of what I was being to naive to really see. Because I didn't want to believe it. Because you are right, he get's all weird about me hanging out with my best friends who is really important to me and is one of the only other reasons I am normally staying sane.

I just needed other people to get it into my head, because i wasn't going to admit it that it was going to get this way. I didn't want to believe it. Not agian.

:puts on my dress and pumps:


Girl you gots ta drop that zero and gets you a hero!

:Head bobs and snaps:


Sorry I always wanted to go all daytime talk show.


The other posters are totally right, you can't depend on others for happiness. True happiness comes from within, You can't change for anyone only for you!

Take it from a fish not worth keeping for totally different reasons. We can smell our own and this guy is a jerkwad! ;)

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Originally Posted by shescountry89

I think I just needed other people to tell me the hard truth of what I was being to naive to really see. Because I didn't want to believe it. Because you are right, he get's all weird about me hanging out with my best friends who is really important to me and is one of the only other reasons I am normally staying sane.

I just needed other people to get it into my head, because i wasn't going to admit it that it was going to get this way. I didn't want to believe it. Not agian.

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Glad I could help, and before it turned too late.

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Originally Posted by Seru1

:puts on my dress and pumps:


Girl you gots ta drop that zero and gets you a hero!

:Head bobs and snaps:


Sorry I always wanted to go all daytime talk show.


The other posters are totally right, you can't depend on others for happiness. True happiness comes from within, You can't change for anyone only for you!

Take it from a fish not worth keeping for totally different reasons. We can smell our own and this guy is a jerkwad! ;)

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Ha, thanks. I appreciate it. I really know how to pick them.

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Originally Posted by bsash

Glad I could help, and before it turned too late.

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Thanks, I am too.

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Originally Posted by shescountry89

Ha, thanks. I appreciate it. I really know how to pick them.

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Instead of thinking about the bad ones think about all the good friends in life you've picked. And all the great family you didn't but got anyway. It's easy in times like these to get abit down and its healthy to. But don't ever forget you have alot of people that care about you!

And some of those people are right here just a click away and ready to talk. Can't do much else but we can talk. ^_^

I'll give the same advice I'd give my daughters, DUMP him now and don't look back. I only read the first paragraph, but that was enough for me.

Exactly, we could always talk. God knows I am on here enough, ha ha.

It might sound like I'm repeating what everyone else is saying, but I'm trying to put this in my own words LOL.

Always get a guy who can respect you and respect what you love doing. Right now I'm workin' with the BF to prove snakes aren't always mean, and he said he would come over to see them. He's just a bit freaked out by them because he got bit by a Rattlesnake which seems like a pretty bad experience to me.:O

My point is, if you can get him to work with you to see that snakes really aren't even that bad, then that relationship will go downhill. If he's already trying to get you to move in but making you give up some snakes, I wouldn't do it. Heck even if I was your age I would never move in with my BF if he wanted me to give some snakes away first. No one will ever make me give up what I love, it has to be my choice whether I want to give something away or not.

Laura, you're a strong girl and I know how you feel, there really is not too many guys who actually pay attention and treat you well, but they are out there. If this doesn't work out, just keep looking for more possibilities.:gj:

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Originally Posted by Seru1

Instead of thinking about the bad ones think about all the good friends in life you've picked. And all the great family you didn't but got anyway. It's easy in times like these to get abit down and its healthy to. But don't ever forget you have alot of people that care about you!

And some of those people are right here just a click away and ready to talk. Can't do much else but we can talk. ^_^

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I've been trying, trust me I have. Always try to stay optimistic but sometimes it just doesn't work. Pretty sad when most people you have things in common with are online and live across the country.

I do appreciate all the advice though, and it will definatly be taken.

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Originally Posted by bsash

Exactly, we could always talk. God knows I am on here enough, ha ha.

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Yeah, I am too when I am not working at night.

Don't make the mistake of thinking your feet are nailed to the soil where you currently live.

I imported my husband from Sweden. It's completely 100% possible to form a relationship online, realize that you can go wherever you WANT, and move to be with that person (or they move to be with you). Do not write off that possibility. Sometimes the local pool just isn't deep enough. ;)

My husband's comment is, "Who is this guy she's dating, and what rock did he crawl out from under? He should go back there. I'm sure there's a perfectly good rock with a nice slimy underside that misses him very much."

My comment? Is that armchair psychologists are adorable, but they make [very bad] boyfriends. Sure, if you're still attracted and the rest of the relationship is swell, I wouldn't dump him just for an idiotic comment like that. But he has hobbies, too, right? Sooner or later he's either going to have to get a grip and wrap his brain around the idea that this is YOUR hobby, and these are YOUR pets, and it makes you HAPPY to have them... or, well, not.

Frankly, the armchair psychology is just a way of attempting to exert control over you. Either (a) he's got a problem with the snakes, or (b) he's the controlling type. Hopefully it's (a) and he'll get over it. But (b) is not cool. Because trying to convince you that stuff that makes you happy is actually pathological? Is the very definition of pathological.

(And hey, good luck. I know the feeling you're talking about, and it sucks rocks.)

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Originally Posted by WingedWolfPsion

Don't make the mistake of thinking your feet are nailed to the soil where you currently live.

I imported my husband from Sweden. It's completely 100% possible to form a relationship online, realize that you can go wherever you WANT, and move to be with that person (or they move to be with you). Do not write off that possibility. Sometimes the local pool just isn't deep enough. ;)

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I like how you were pretty successful with that, most people think the worst of internet dating. I personally don't mind if people do that but at my age that's something I wouldn't try LOL. But I admire how you made your possibilities of finding someone more likely from doing that, pretty smart:)

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Originally Posted by wolfy-hound

Dump him now. He's a controller. He doesn't want you to have the animals because they take you attention away from him. He wants you to move in with him so you will be in "his space", and therefor more under his thumb. He's already dictacting to you what you will and will not have and do. He already doesn't make you happy, he doesn't want you to do what you like to do, so why are you even bothering to ask other people?

Why should you be the "happiest girl alive"? Just becuase he said he wants you to move in with him? You don't need him. You are your own person, with your own goals and life, and just wanting to be with someone just because they are willing to say yes is no reason at all.

Dump him. He's treating you like garbage already, he's just doing it with a smile on his face.

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Read this whole thread. You all had good adivse but wolfy hit every point. X1000

By far best advise here

And as far as my comment on this. Hes asking you to choose between snakes or him correct?

He should "love" you for who YOU are and WHAT you do. Not what he wants. Next he's gonna tell you to quit your job :rolleyes::rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by WingedWolfPsion

I imported my husband from Sweden.

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Sorry but that made me laugh. When you said "imported" i thouhgt you ment bought one :rolleyes:

Had to keep reading :gj: Nothing wrong with online (I would not do it personally but do not look down upon it)

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Originally Posted by CoolioTiffany

I like how you were pretty successful with that, most people think the worst of internet dating. I personally don't mind if people do that but at my age that's something I wouldn't try LOL. But I admire how you made your possibilities of finding someone more likely from doing that, pretty smart:)

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Well, I am 37, not sure what your age is, lol.

Excellent advice above. However, here's one more aspect. I can't speak from firsthand experience, but I've a friend who started off the same way, and six months later we started seeing the bruises. Controlling like this is often the first step towards abuse. I'm not saying he is an abuser, but don't get sucked in. You have years to find the right guy, and you will find one who is all this guy is and more, who will not only deal with your passions but take them as his own.

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Originally Posted by WingedWolfPsion

Well, I am 37, not sure what your age is, lol.

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You're about 33 years older than me, making me 14 y/o:salute:

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Originally Posted by CoolioTiffany

You're about 33 years older than me, making me 14 y/o:salute:

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You're using fuzzy math, Tiff:P

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Originally Posted by waltah!

You're using fuzzy math, Tiff:P

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Hey I'm actually DOING math to say the least LOL. Math isn't a very fun subject for me.. I don't like it much.:P

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Originally Posted by CoolioTiffany

Hey I'm actually DOING math to say the least LOL. Math isn't a very fun subject for me.. I don't like it much.:P

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Still off by 10 years :rofl::rofl:

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Originally Posted by f4n70m

Still off by 10 years :rofl::rofl:

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No I'm not D:

My uncle is 44 and born on the same day as me so we are exactly 30 years apart.

Ohhh wait.. dang I do suck at math. Nevermind, she's 23 years older than me:D

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Originally Posted by CoolioTiffany

No I'm not D:

My uncle is 44 and born on the same day as me so we are exactly 30 years apart.

Ohhh wait.. dang I do suck at math. Nevermind, she's 23 years older than me:D

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Derp :D


OP, you deserve better. Find someone who can respect you and what you love. He definitely sounds like a creep...

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Originally Posted by CoolioTiffany

No I'm not D:

My uncle is 44 and born on the same day as me so we are exactly 30 years apart.

Ohhh wait.. dang I do suck at math. Nevermind, she's 23 years older than me:D

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Stay in school munchkin!

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Originally Posted by shescountry89

Your right, I keep telling myself that I am happy. When deep down I really am not and it didn't hit me until tonight when he got upset that we couldn't hang out when we spent all day yesterday and the whole weekend together. He took me on a walk and talked to me about "commitment" and that he'd like it if I texted/called him more than I already do to tell him what I am doing during the day.
I am asking because I don't want to make the wrong decision and regret it, I told him straight up that I was not getting rid of any of my animals and had plans with what I wanted to go. He just thought it was funny because I was getting really defensive over an animal.

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Shall I do more than highlight it?

You already know whats ups. He made you happy and you thought he was different because he was "woooing" you. Now 2 months later he is trying the controlling thing. I dont see it as a definate sign of impending abuse only because he may be the one who is dependant. So dependant on you that he can have it no other way. It actually sounds like he is trying to fullfill his own insecurities without appearing less manly. I actually had a boyfriend just like this. He wouldnt hurt a fly and never would have raised a hand or a voice to me, but he was very insecure and had a subtle control over me. Wanting to know what I was doing 24/7 and getting suspicious if I was anywhere without him. Difference is, my ex accepted my hobbies. Wether he agreed or not so It wasnt the exact same as your situation.

It is definately a bad sign though. Either he will become controlling and possibly abusive, or he will be an untrusting, insecure wreck if you are not glued to him. Niether is good. Just dont let him push you into anything. He says move in, you say no, thats that. If he continues to get worse you will need nothing more from him.

Your animals are your life and soul. Anyone who loves you would love your passions and the way they make you smile. Because seeing your significant other just light up when they see something like that, should make anyone in their presence smile. The happiness a passion and hobby like this can bring a person is contagious. In my mind, even if my boyfriend couldnt stand snakes, if he saw me smile at a beautiful animal and comment on it, he should at least be happy that Im happy. Otherwise there is something inhuman about him and I dont want to be with that person.

He sounds like kinda a douche. I was with my ex for 4 years before she started doing this to me. If you're not allowed to do what you want in life is it worth it?
This isn't always guys who do this btw... Like I said my ex hated the fact I liked reptiles and thought it was "weird". She complained about it 24/7 and to be honest it stressed the crap out of me. We didn't even live together and shed still complain about every second I spent with my pets.
Well to say the least she's now my ex and I'm sooooo happy! I met a new girl and she is amazing! She doesn't like snakes but tolerates them and doesn't mind that I like them. She even finds them interesting and touched one lol. It will take some time but soon you will find someone :).
If it's only been two months and he's acting like this though... Perhaps it's time to get your pole out again and catch a better one.

When I was doing my psych eval to be a surrogate the shrink asked me, "what would you do if you met the man of your life during the process and he didn't agree with you being a surrogate?"

Easy answer. He wouldn't be the man of my life.

I think you're in the same situation.

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He doesn't like doing what I do

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This was the red blinking light in your original post for me.

What sort of long term relationship can you have with another person who doesn't even share common interests with you?

You are a beautiful young lady. I'm not sure how old you are, but I can tell you when I was in my early 20's, I went through a period of very low self esteem and thought that I "needed" to have a man in my life to be truly happy.

It took me being alone for 3 years (during my mid/late 20's) to learn to love myself. To do things for ME - to be selfish for ME. To acknowledge to myself that I did not NEED a man in my life to be an incredible woman in my own right.

Karl (who I have been with for 14 years now) does not have the same passion that I have for the reptiles, but never once has he told me that I can't add a new animal, or that I have to get rid of any of them. He doesn't care so much for the shows, but he LOVES going to the shows for the social aspect of it. Most shows we go to are out of town and weekend get aways, and he loves the folks (many of them from here) that we've met through this hobby. He even asks when the next show is. I think he looks forward to seeing the people we've met through this hobby as much as I do.

Bottom line - drop him - the warning signs are all there about his controlling nature, in month TWO no less. It can only lead to resentment and hard feelings in the long term. Cut your ties, and start doing things for YOU. If you like to volunteer, start to do more of that in your community - you never know who you might meet who also has a giving spirit - though don't volunteer as a means to meet someone, that would just be a pleasant possibility if it were to happen.

You will be fine! I promise!

I hate to say it ( might been siad before) I dump this guy he sounds liek he may become the controlling type that you have to have to ask to breath later on.. I seen guys liek this (when my mom was dating ( back ni the day) and they end up beingthe ones that got drunk and pissed and came home beating the person they so called loved.

From what I little I know about you shecountry89 your not a person that will be beaten or take anyone crap, so I find you a better man lol..
I offer up but I know I am:
1 too old.
2 to far off.
3 not worth much in a trade:rolleye2:

I have to agree with the overall mood. He sounds like a controller, while my husband doesnt care for reptiles at all, and he even has the excuse that I didnt own any when we got together, <I was dead broke, but thats another story> I have four bp's now. He drove with me the four hour round trip to a recent expo that he was bored to tears at, AND was going to allow me to buy a dinker female Id spotted if she hadnt been removed for sale.
Sharing passions isnt always a requirement, but an understanding/support of them at the very least is.

I also fail to see where someone without a degree gets to pyscho analyze you after only a few months and tell you, your hobby is a crutch.

As stated earlier you are an attractive girl, move up and move on. You can do WAY better.

Hi, You have gotten really good advice.
I was in a situation very much like yours. The thing is the control starts out very subtle. The whole making you feel bad about being the person you are is the start of it. Thats how you are made to give up whats important to you.Because in a sense he is telling you just being you is wrong and you need to change that. I had motorcycles and a dirt bike and when my ex moved into my house with me. He started on me about them and about me getting rid of them, and it was mostly due to his insecurities. He couldnt ride and didnt like the fact that it was a part of me that made me very independant. So I sold my dirtbike and 9 yrs after the fact I still regret it. He then started on my animals constently complaining about them, and getting to a point were he wasnt nice to them. The more I didnt do what he wanted the more frustrated he became and the worse it got for me and my animals. That was it and I got rid of him. You are a very independant women and there are people in this world who cant handle that. Well to bad is what I say. I have the best boyfriend in the world now.We have been together for 5 yrs. How do I know he is the best. If you saw half of the crazy shananagans I have put this man through from dragging him to the worst part of newark nj to save a 11yr old beagle that was gonna be put to sleep to building a huge turkey coop that he named the turkey taj Mahal in our yard. (mind you we dont live on a farm either). He wasnt a animal person when I met him but he respects that animals are what makes me the person I am. Thats the person he fell in love with. You need to not give up who you are for anyone.
Christine

Like all douche bags, he just wants to control you as much as possible because he knows you are the best he will ever get!

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Originally Posted by musicalKeyes

Excellent advice above. However, here's one more aspect. I can't speak from firsthand experience, but I've a friend who started off the same way, and six months later we started seeing the bruises. Controlling like this is often the first step towards abuse. I'm not saying he is an abuser, but don't get sucked in. You have years to find the right guy, and you will find one who is all this guy is and more, who will not only deal with your passions but take them as his own.

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I've thought about this, because he does have a temper and hates being disrespected. He's joked around about... stuff if I am 'jokingly' being sarcastic with him he'll say something like "Woman don't make me slap you, did you just say that to me?"

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Originally Posted by Foschi Exotic Serpents

Shall I do more than highlight it?

You already know whats ups. He made you happy and you thought he was different because he was "woooing" you. Now 2 months later he is trying the controlling thing. I dont see it as a definate sign of impending abuse only because he may be the one who is dependant. So dependant on you that he can have it no other way. It actually sounds like he is trying to fullfill his own insecurities without appearing less manly. I actually had a boyfriend just like this. He wouldnt hurt a fly and never would have raised a hand or a voice to me, but he was very insecure and had a subtle control over me. Wanting to know what I was doing 24/7 and getting suspicious if I was anywhere without him. Difference is, my ex accepted my hobbies. Wether he agreed or not so It wasnt the exact same as your situation.

It is definately a bad sign though. Either he will become controlling and possibly abusive, or he will be an untrusting, insecure wreck if you are not glued to him. Niether is good. Just dont let him push you into anything. He says move in, you say no, thats that. If he continues to get worse you will need nothing more from him.

Your animals are your life and soul. Anyone who loves you would love your passions and the way they make you smile. Because seeing your significant other just light up when they see something like that, should make anyone in their presence smile. The happiness a passion and hobby like this can bring a person is contagious. In my mind, even if my boyfriend couldnt stand snakes, if he saw me smile at a beautiful animal and comment on it, he should at least be happy that Im happy. Otherwise there is something inhuman about him and I dont want to be with that person.

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Originally Posted by rabernet

This was the red blinking light in your original post for me.

What sort of long term relationship can you have with another person who doesn't even share common interests with you?

You are a beautiful young lady. I'm not sure how old you are, but I can tell you when I was in my early 20's, I went through a period of very low self esteem and thought that I "needed" to have a man in my life to be truly happy.

It took me being alone for 3 years (during my mid/late 20's) to learn to love myself. To do things for ME - to be selfish for ME. To acknowledge to myself that I did not NEED a man in my life to be an incredible woman in my own right.

Karl (who I have been with for 14 years now) does not have the same passion that I have for the reptiles, but never once has he told me that I can't add a new animal, or that I have to get rid of any of them. He doesn't care so much for the shows, but he LOVES going to the shows for the social aspect of it. Most shows we go to are out of town and weekend get aways, and he loves the folks (many of them from here) that we've met through this hobby. He even asks when the next show is. I think he looks forward to seeing the people we've met through this hobby as much as I do.

Bottom line - drop him - the warning signs are all there about his controlling nature, in month TWO no less. It can only lead to resentment and hard feelings in the long term. Cut your ties, and start doing things for YOU. If you like to volunteer, start to do more of that in your community - you never know who you might meet who also has a giving spirit - though don't volunteer as a means to meet someone, that would just be a pleasant possibility if it were to happen.

You will be fine! I promise!

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I am 21 years old, I was raised not to be dependant on someone.. and i've done my best to not do that, and he's asking me to take down walls that i've built my whole life because of experiences I've had. Like it means nothing.

Thank you guys so much for replying, it mean's a lot. I just need to get the guts to actually confront him about this, and see how he takes it and tell him straight up how I feel. If he isn't going to accept the things I love, and just sit and for once listen to me then I guess he can go looking for a girl who will be his personal puppy dog.

this guy is unhappy with his life. he sees you enjoying your animals and it bothers him because he doesn't have that same type of enjoyment out of something in life.

dump him.

I'm going to give you my 2 cents if you don't mind . This is a male perspective this guy you are describing sounds a lot like a friend of mine. He gets a girlfriend and in 3 months they are living together and in 5 months they are seperated and she has a restraining order. He is controlling but moreso CLINGY. Examples...if she goes out he constantly texts her ....calls her what's to know where she is who she is with and what she is doing at all times ....how much she is drinking. He will also get mad over the craziest of things. Trust me if this guy really loves you he will understand why you are not gonna jump the gun and move out only after 2 months. I'm 23 and my fiancee is 22 we have been together for 5 years now and just moved in together october 2009 and even we have problems sometimes but never with my reptiles I have 8 snake and 1 leopard gecko and she is afraid of all of them but she knows I love them so she doesn't mind them. But if this guy is going to be a CONTROLLER ...u need to run because he will never change and it gets worse I've seen it happen ..


PS.. I love my buddy he is the Best man in my wedding in October but the way he is with the ladies eeehhh he could improve. I hope I can help ya

Know the difference between compromise and control.

Compromise means he enjoys being around you. He maynot understand your passion for snakes but your worth dealing with the snakes to be with.

Control means he wants to be with you but only if he can have the parts he likes and get rid of the parts he doesn't

I love my wife there are things that we compromise on my snakes being one of them. I wanted more snakes she wanted them out of the house, so we compromised we renovated an addition to the house that is now the snake room. We both got what we wanted..But I'll tell you, she wouldn't have ever left me or asked me to get rid of them..

Independance in a woman is a very sexy trait. Most stable men like a women that while she doesn't have to have him around to live she can't live with out him.. ;)

i'm similar to the nooblet ur goin out with in that i want to see my gf 24/7. due to the massive overtime i just recieved in the last week, i only get to see my gf every sunday :( so maybe its okay that i feel that way? idk

idk.. i'm very clingy but i wouldn't ask my gf to NOT do something she wants to do just to make me happy T.T...

i read the whole post and hopefully u guster the muster to toss him :gj:

there are plenty of guys who want a girl to be their "puppy dog" as u put it, but there are just as many guys who appreciates an independant woman

continue with ur plan :salute:, and don't :colbert: let this nooblet be a roadblock

hey laura, my name is vanessa & for the most part i would be saying what everyone else said but i have experienced some of what your going through. i have had a boyfriend tell me everything he could to isolate me from my friends and family so that i would end up depending on him. when he told me that my family didnt love me & that he loved me more then they did that threw up a few red flags...my own family...no no no theres something wrong with a guy that is trying to isolate their girlfriend & i can tell you right now thats what yours is doing. by taking your pets & friends away he's making it to where you'll depend on him. thats not good. get as far away from that relationship now while you still can...

First of all don't move in with him. That's WAY too soon. He doesn't want you do be independent...so does that mean he wants you to be dependent upon him so he can control you? Maybe I'm off, but that's what it sounds like. I can't believe that after only 2 months of dating he's already saying that sort of stuff. You should still be in the "puppies and rainbows" stage when everything is nice and sweet and each of you keep your opinions to yourselves. Heck, I think I was in that stage for almost a year! We are on year four, bought a house, and engaged now. Arguments are healthy, but name calling or bashing is not. At no point is it ok to do one of those things in an argument, IMO. It's not that hard to have a civil argument with someone if you love them.

I wouldn't say it unless you asked for my opinion, but since you did :P I think you should look for someone new. If it's already rocky at two months, I don't see it lasting. At least not if you want to keep your dignity and self pride. Keep your pets, you'll find someone wonderful who treats you right and supports your hobby (or at least accepts it)!

My fiance didn't support my hobby, only accepted it, but he is starting to support it and plans on coming to Tinely with me :D