Addiction struggles?

[Helonwheelz383]

A good point was raised earlier that I'd like to follow up on:
As the addicts, we don't care who we hurt. And on some level that is very true. But it's important to say that I never stopped caring that my mother went years without sleeping peacefully through the night, or my father was ashamed of me, or that my brother, my best friend, was afraid to ask me to be his best man when he got married...
I knew what I was doing to my family...and it broke my heart. But it also fueled my addiction. I tried every day to die, so that I wouldn't have to face my family and say "I'm sorry".
...thankfully, I lived. And when I said I was sorry, I meant it. And my family has forgiven. It's been almost 6 years...and I just recently got a text from my father that said he was proud of me, proud of how far I've come. And he closed it with "welcome back, my son".

Couldn't have said it better myself! That was far and away the biggest hurdle for me. For the most part I was easily able to forgive whatever wrongs I perceived were "done to me." Forgiving myself was a whole other set of problems. I was aware of most the pain I caused and still kept on going. That filled me with so much guilt and shame that I would use to deal with it and in turn would add that much more "evidence" of how terrible of a person I was and would have to use more to deal with those added feelings. It was paradoxical and the cycle just kept repeating itself. It's like I was on a mission to punish myself for anything and everything I've ever done. I even internalized childhood experiences and traumas and twisted it so that I felt I even deserved or was to blame for those events. I thought I was the only one that felt that way and after getting involved in recovery I found that it is an extremely common theme among addicts. I was in a lot of pain physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and these chemicals took that away and helped me feel ok even if only for a short time. There's a 12 step saying that "I found a solution, and the solution was the problem." It couldn't be more accurate. I was struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts which would be relieved almost instantly. It works great for a while but by the time I knew I was in trouble it was way too late. It had it's hooks in me.

I don't have any children. I can't even imagine how tough that would be watching my children struggle with addiction. I put my mom through so much that a couple years later we are still rebuilding that relationship. There's many layers there and things get very complicated especially when co-dependency becomes a real issue. She did enable for quite some time, and when she came around it was very helpful. She sat me down and told me that she was done with me. She told me that she loved me and respected whatever decisions I made, but she wouldn't watch me kill myself anymore. If I needed a ride to meetings or somebody to talk to I could count on her to do anything and everything in her power to assist me, but if I needed money or anything else that could possibly enable then it was out of question. I needed to hear that and know that those boundaries were crystal clear and would be enforced period.

In the beginning I was shy and reserved about my experiences. I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I was somehow morally broken. Slowly that paradigm shifted for me. I've realized how much others sharing their stories has helped me and will shout mine from the rooftops if it can help just one person. The stigma of addiction is slowly changing and it wouldn't be fair of me to not do my part and pay it forward. Most addicts have experienced incredible pain and are just doing what they can to cope. I thought for the longest time that I just needed to quit getting high and everything would be sunshine and rainbows. Boy was I wrong. The using for me was just the main symptom of the underlying issues I had going on and that was what I had to treat. After beginning that healing process is when the constant obsession to numb out began to fade. It's been and still is at times a hard fought journey, but it sure is worth it. Thanks everyone for sharing. It's one of those things that usually isn't openly talked about. I live in Utah. We have been hit hard by the opioid epidemic and there is a lot of church influence here as well. It's a taboo topic and gets swept under the rug as if ignoring the problem will help it go away when in reality it's a massive issue that's only getting worse. I feel like once we face addiction and expose it for what it really is then we can truly start to deal with it. Thanks everyone for sharing! I love hearing others stories.