Quote Originally Posted by Salamander View Post
My caring switch is broken.
It's permanently "on".

I've tried to be stoic/indifferent/patient/"zen"/existential/concerned but not terrified/hopeful/confident/etc etc etc.

I'm sorry but I can't be what I'm not.

I care.
I love.
I worry.

Ii can't really control any of that and will not feel at peace until I know where he is, one way or the other.

It's just how I'm built.

Perhaps a little 'back story' will explain me better;

When I was a kid, my dad always had dogs.
Naturally, I'd love the dogs and he'd tell me that so-and-so was 'my dog'.

Then we'd go away on vacation and when we got back, the dog would be gone.
He'd say "maybe it ran away' or 'somebody must've stolen him'.

Come to find out, years later, he was having people who'd bought those hunting dogs come get them while we were gone so as not to have me 'make a scene' over 'my dog' being taken away.

The worst time involved a Husky named Wolfie.
I was around 5 or so and loved that dog madly and we played together all the time.
Yes, I came back from VA Beach and he was gone...house, bowl, toys and all.
"Stolen".

As always, I searched and searched for him, just like all the others and one day my mom and I were downtown and there was Wolfie, tied to a lamp post!

I squealed with joy and he howled with delight.
We'd found each other again!

I will never forget my mom dragging me, screaming and crying, away from him as he shrieked his frustration of the leash that kept him from following me, she, telling me "that's not Wolfie!".
[like I didn't know him and he didn't know me]

He too had been given away while I was gone.

I have severe 'issues' with 'missing pets' and this is the first time in my adult life that I've truly had one be 'missing'...and I know for sure he was not stolen or given away but my drive to search endlessly is apparently still as strong as ever.

All of the above is what makes me so obsessive about all of my pets.

I worry that if I blink or turn away, they could be "gone".

Parents can deeply scar their kids, believing that they're 'doing them a kindness'.

I cringe when I hear a parent tell a kid their hamster or dog 'went to a beautiful farm in Vermont" instead of telling them the hard but infinitely kinder truth.




I'm a really 'damaged' person, as far as my animals go but I can't go back and avert the damage done to me so I have to deal with it as best I can.
I'm sorry you had to endure that.

I do believe in fate, and I honestly believe that experiences help mold us into the people we were made to be. I think your those experiences made you into the heavily caring person you were made to be. So really damaged is not how you should see it