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Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
I knew this would come and bite me in the behind at some point, but I had really hoped it wouldn't occur during Christmas dinner with my entire family.
As you all know, I have some snakes. I have been slowly revealing the number of snakes I have to my family, but it isn't anywhere close to the actual amount because when someone says they have 27 snakes.. someone is bound to overreact. I live in Chicago and my family is all in SE Michigan. I went back this past holiday to spend some time with my parents and family. I brought my boyfriend (also a snake lover) with me and overall, it was a nice time.
Until my mother revealed over Christmas dinner, in front of my whole family, my copious amount of snakes. Apparently sometime over the weekend she discovered my Hugs and Hisses Facebook page (see link in signature) and was horrified by what she saw. I realize that this reaction has a lot to do with the fact that my mother is completely unaware of the reptile world. She has no clue that people own and breed snakes as a hobby or as a business.
I rarely talk about my animals with my parents, because I know they don't understand or care about them. It wasn't my intention for my mother to discover them over the internet, but what's done is done. I don't live in their house, I don't take their money, I support myself and my animals. I have a college education, I have a job in my field, and I pay my bills. I am not an irresponsible person.
I do feel bad that I lied to my family about my animals, but part of me doesn't feel bad. Everything was perfectly fine before they found out, and now they are acting as if I am some sort of criminal. They are convinced that I am doing something illegal and unsafe. They think I am putting myself, my job, and the people around me at risk by having these animals. It makes me feel so awful even though I know it isn't true.
I hate fighting with my parents and I thought with me out of school and being on my own, the fighting and the pestering phone calls would stop. I'd really like to build a better relationship with my parents, and it just seems like they can't do their part. My father has been more understanding, although he still thinks I am breaking some sort of law. My mother on the other hand is furious.
She is convinced I have been using "her" money(I use her lightly because she has not worked a day in her life in at least 15 years) to fund the care for my animals. While I was in school we budgeted out a monthly allowance for my rent, utilities, and food and $50 spending money. It was just enough to cover the cost of living. The $50 would normally go to school supplies, movies, or going out to a restaurant. The only money I ever spent on my animals was my own. I always had a job while I was in school and always used the money from my job to pay for my hobby. I assure my parents of this, but they still think the money was going towards my "useless" pets.
I feel like crap. I feel like my mother hates me even though she was so glad to see me just a little over a week ago. She won't talk to me, won't hug me, won't really acknowledge me at all. She wants to cut off my health insurance and cell phone that they have been paying for. I am completely fine with this, but I wish they didn't feel the need to cut me off because I have a strange hobby that I neglected to tell them about.
I know she is just worried.. like a mother should be. I just have no idea how to talk to her about this in a way that is going to convince her that my lifestyle is acceptable. We are just complete opposites. She is very superficial and likes shopping, getting her hair done, manicures and pedicures. She cares so much about her appearance toward others. I on the other hand, don't give two shakes. We just don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. What is important to her is trivial for me, and what is important to me is useless to her.
I just don't know what to do. I was talking on the phone with my dad, sobbing, for about an hour yesterday. He explained why they are concerned but also noted that he didn't really care what I did as long as it was safe and legal. I sent him this email this morning:
Quote:
Dad,
Here are some websites that further explain pet regulation (specifically reptiles) in Illinois and Chicago. As far as I can tell, I am not breaking any laws. I'd love to see evidence that suggests the contrary because I have not been able to find anything in my 4 years of reptile ownership.
http://www.bornfreeusa.org/b4a2_exot...ls_summary.php (scroll down to Illinois)
http://www.bornfreeusa.org/b4a2_exot...state.php?s=il
http://chicagoherp.org/nomenu.php This article is very thorough.
Currently there are no laws restricting specific species of non-poisonous reptiles. There is a law prohibiting the sale of non-poisonous snakes over 6', but that would never apply to me. There are also no laws regarding the number of reptiles one can keep in their private residence, even within Chicago.
Please take the time to read some of these articles when you have time. I want to assure you that I am doing nothing illegal. I have done this research in the past and discussed the laws with other chicago and Illinois reptile keepers. If they knew it was illegal, they would not be doing it.
The community I am apart of online is very strict with people legally keeping reptiles. If anyone on the site is known to be breaking any laws, they are banned. I've seen it happen. I know that in New York City, you are not allowed to own any pythons or boas. I know that in Ohio, they have placed a ban on many exotic reptiles because of a specific incident. I keep up with the news and proposed bills regarding my pets.
http://usark.org/
There are people like me all over the country working to make sure keeping their pets stays legal. The people I associate myself with would NEVER advocate keeping of any animal in an illegal way. We frown upon those who give us a bad reputation. We encourage new owners to read their local laws to make sure they are operating within the law. We don't want bad publicity. We hate these horror stories about snakes escaping and hurting people and young children. It breaks my heart to hear things like this because it is a situation that is so easily prevented with proper handling procedures and secure cages.
I really want you to understand that I am serious about this. My reasons for not telling you that I had so many reptiles was simply to avoid this over reaction. I know people whose families have disowned them because of their love for these amazing animals. I am the same person I was just a few weeks ago. Nothing has changed. I have my life together and I can handle what I have. If ever there comes a time where I feel overwhelmed or my financial stability is compromised, I will re-home my animals. I understand that this situation is possible and I am prepared for that.
I'm not asking you to agree with what I am doing, but I ask you to respect my hobby. I take it very seriously. I've done my homework and I know what I am getting myself into. If you don't want to talk about it anymore, that is fine by me.
I have encountered many people who don't understand my love for reptiles and often I cannot convince them as to why I think it is reasonable. I don't ask them to understand. I don't mention it in conversation unless someone else brings it up. I have a lot of knowledge regarding these animals and when prompted, I love to talk about them. I understand and respect peoples right to dislike them, so I don't advertise the fact that I have 20 snakes.
When I do decide to sell animals that I have produced, I assure you that I will go through the proper legal means to do so. I am confident that nothing I am doing is against the law. I know this must seem like the strangest hobby of all time, but it is important to me.
I'm afraid to talk to mom. I know she is very upset with me and I don't think I will be able to change her mind :(
Love,
Steffe
PS: I'm truly sorry that I lied about this part of my life, it was not my intention to hurt anyone. It was easier to keep it secret and to not have people judging my actions and lifestyle.
What do you guys think? What could I possibly say to my parents to convince them I am doing nothing wrong? You guys know me here. You know I'm not a bad person. I'm a responsible keeper and I care deeply about my animals. I don't ask my parents to be involved in them, or even talk about them if they don't want to. I just don't want them thinking I am some sort of criminal or animal abuser. I'm just at a complete loss...
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Boy, that sucks. I'm sorry to hear that. Seems some people you just can't get through too. It almost seems that unless you are part of it, you just can't understand it. I wish I had something helpful to say. My grandparents think we are crazy, they always ask me if one of the pythons could "squeeze" my daughter. Maybe your mom will settle down after a bit? I know I have gotten tired of defending things I believe, when it comes to my family (not snake related). I finally put my foot down and said enough, I don't need all the drama, and this isn't ok, so until you can get over it, don't call. Long story, and I know that may not be the answer for everyone, but I am lots happier without all the drama.
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A bit of an overreaction IMO on your families part. My mother absolutely despises snakes. Terribly afraid of them, and even has nightmares about them. This last season I invited her over to show her all about my snakes, breeding business, etc. I even scheduled her visit on a clutch cut day so she could be apart of that. She was fascinated by the time she left. Would she own a pet snake, no. She does however now have a better understanding of snakes. Our relationship has gotten better because of this.
I would try and explain the hobby to her. Reiterate that none of their money has been used for your hobby. Ask her if she would like to come over and spend a little time learning about the animals. Eventually, I would imagine, she will come around. With all the hoarding, animal cops, etc. shows on TV, they may just be worried and misinformed :)
Wish I had more advice for you. I do wish you luck and hope everything turns out good for you...
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My mom is cool my grandma isn't. Well she is cool enough as long as she never sees them she's okay. I don't have any advice to offer except send my condolences
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Wow.... I can't imagine what you're going through Steffe. Honestly. I haven't really had anyone tell me that I'm a bad person for keeping snakes.. The worst thing someone has told me was that I'm weird, and it was from someone who I could care less about.. Heck, my grandma HATES HATES HATES snakes, but she never told me to put the ipad away when I was showing her the pictures of your queen bee or axanthic lesser, or any of Brock Wagner's stuff. She would simply nod and say "how pretty". I love and miss that woman....
You have no reason to apologize to your mom. She sounds like she's being extremely immature and judgemental. You are absolutely right in every way. Especially when you say that she's not doing HER parental part in supporting you and whatever you do. I'm sorry you have to go through this Steffe :(. It sucks so bad that the people who should really NEVER judge you are coming down so hard on you for doing something FUN, LEGAL, and SAFE. I don't think talking to your mom and convincing her of anything will help. She seems like she's made up her mind and that's that.
Your dad sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders, so I would start by getting him to try to talk to your mom. It's good that you gave him a ton of information and showed him that you know what you're doing. I don't think showing that stuff to your mom would really convince her of changing her mind. Your dad probably knows how to handle it by now, and hopefully settles her down :gj:.
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Yeah, I am hoping that given some time, she will decide that in the grand scheme of things it really isn't a big deal. It doesn't affect my relationship with my family and I'd like it to continue that way. Yes, I have a strange hobby. That doesn't make me a bad person. And trying to convince me I am doing something illegal when I know I am not makes me feel like they will only accept me when I am reptile free.
They always tell me that I am a smart person.. but then they make assumptions that I haven't looked into the legality of what I am doing and I am being unsafe. I take pride in my hobby and I would never do anything to hurt anyone. I have good intentions and a good head on my shoulders and I am able to take care of myself. :/
I just want to be independent, not cut off from my family!
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Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. I really appreciate it. And to those who read my novel up there, thank you for your patience.
I know I am right, and I am going to hold my ground through this ordeal, but deep down all I want is to be close with my mother, who always seems to be pushing me away unintentionally. My mom is not in the best of health and is going to need surgery this summer. I hope I can amend things by then so I can be there for her when she needs me. I hate that she is being so judgmental. It makes me feel like a monster.
I really hope my dad can talk some reason into my mom. As I was leaving to drive back to Chicago, I heard them yelling inside.. it sounded really nasty and I knew it was about me. I know my dad understands I am an Adult and I am going to do what I want. He just wants to make sure I am being safe, which I most definitely am!
I hope at some point I am able to share this awesome hobby with my family.. but it doesn't look like that will happen any time soon. Most of my family is accepting, it is mostly my mother who has completely overreacted. She has even suggested cutting off my cell phone service even though I have insisted multiple times in the past that I can pay for my own phone (they always insist on paying for it).
I mean, I can think of 100 other things that parents can reasonable be angry at their children about. But this? Having pets that you love to take care of? I know I have a lot, but it is nothing like having 20 cats. People don't even notice I have snakes until I point it out.
Sigh...
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Good luck, and know we all love ya, and don't think your doing anything wrong. :)
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On the bright side, I am moving this month! Officially :) And we will have a reptile room/craft DIY project space. I'm so excited to move!
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Tell them the snakes have been the first successful replacement hobby to your previous crack addiction.
Wish I had more to offer. That sucks...
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This would definitely be a difficult situation to be in. I was lucky that my parents have always been supportive of my hobbies. This includes my snakes. When I was young my mother even bought my first burm for me. The problem that I have had is how to explain my collection to new people in my life such as a potential girl friend. I have had more than one girl that I was seeing quit talking to me because I told them about my love of reptiles, and the size of my collection which is currently over 40 snakes, and a few T's. With that said the only advice I can give is to give your mom a little time to let your passion for the reptile world settle in. I am sure that it would be one hell of a shock for her to find out that you had such a large collection. With time I would bet that she gets over her anger. It may take a while. After her anger subsides slowly start to give her some information on the different laws, and start introducing her into the reptile community.
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
My mother also found out about my snakes because of my Facebook account. I am friends with a lot of my cousins on there and someone told my mom I have snakes. She was less then thrilled when she found out and my step-father didn't help with his reaction either. I too did not think that telling my parents that I keep snakes was a good idea because I knew they would not like it. My mom even went so far as to say that she hoped my snakes got out at night and strangled me in my sleep, lol. So ignorant and uneducated. I tried explaining and educating her and it did no good. However, with time apart, my mom has finally accepted the fact that I am not giving up my beloved snakes any time soon. We talk on the phone now every so often. She has stated that she will never step foot in my home and I am ok with that. My advice is just this Steffe, be patient and understanding, and eventually your mother may accept that you love your snakes and your hobby and that you are not going to give it up ever.
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Thanks for the suggestions.
While I was talking to my dad on the phone last night, I explained to him that I have looked up the illinois and chicago laws regarding exotic pets. I even read him a few lines directly from the segment of the law that pertains to reptiles.
Then he started talking about how it must be illegal to operate a home business in Chicago, so I provided him with some information from the city of chicago regarding home businesses (which are very much so legal in the city of Chicago). Even though I was providing him with information directly from the source, he was still insisting that I must have missed something, there is no way you can legally own and breed a bunch of reptiles without registering or getting a license. :/ I urged him to do some research in his free time to find anything that suggests the contrary. I have not found it, and neither have my fellow local reptile breeders who operate well within the law.
I just feel like they will search and search for any bit of information that would suggest what I am doing is unlawful so that they have a justified reason as to why its not okay for me to have so many snakes.
I don't have a business yet, but it is something I would love to do in the future. Probably not this year or the next year, but when the time comes I will follow the rules and get any necessary permits or licenses.
I will be having as many as 3 clutches this season and I am fairly certain that unless I make a certain profit, I am not required to pay taxes on that money. Does anyone have any more information on small businesses? I wasn't going to get a small business license until I was making a decent profit (more than 2k or so a year) but if there is something illegal about that, I will just go ahead and get the license. Can anyone point me in the right direction here? :)
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I disagree with your assertion that she's worried. No one gives out financial blows like insurance or cell phone cut offs and is worried.
I just don't discuss my hobby with family anymore. I don't feel like having these discussions, unless I'm asked about it. Then I try and be as professional as possible.
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We have 22 snakes and then more frogs and lizards. 20 something snakes is nothing like having 20 something cats or dogs. And putting a number on it makes it seem a lot worse than it really is. I have just learned to hide any new additions so I don't have to hear about it. My parents see it as another mouth to feed, not that I got it for free or in a trade. While I see it as another mouth to feed still isn't raising my bedding and rat block bill.
I am excited for you to be moving with a designated space for your animals! It makes hiding them and showing them off a lot easier. We will be moving at the end of May when my husband gets out of basic with the Coast Guard. I am so excited to have a spare bedroom as my own "space".
I love my animals, but I would also love to have family or guests over and not be berated with questions from those two don't understand bins. I would also love to have them in the spare bedroom to avoid "The Look" when people round the foyer and see the frog rack behind my dining room table.
I think it will pass. Just give it some time for everyone to forget. You are not doing anything wrong! You have a passion for these animals just like the rest of us. Even though other people do not understand, we do.
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kodieh
I disagree with your assertion that she's worried. No one gives out financial blows like insurance or cell phone cut offs and is worried.
I just don't discuss my hobby with family anymore. I don't feel like having these discussions, unless I'm asked about it. Then I try and be as professional as possible.
Sent from my SAMSUNG Galaxy SIII using Tapatalk 2
I think the financial blows came with the anger, not the worry.
I don't usually discuss my animals with my family, only when the specifically ask. The only reason this stuff came up was because my mother was facebook stalking me intensely. She has nothing better to do but sit on facebook and twitter all day. Maybe she needs to join the reptile hobby!
Quote:
Originally Posted by aldebono
We have 22 snakes and then more frogs and lizards. 20 something snakes is nothing like having 20 something cats or dogs. And putting a number on it makes it seem a lot worse than it really is. I have just learned to hide any new additions so I don't have to hear about it. My parents see it as another mouth to feed, not that I got it for free or in a trade. While I see it as another mouth to feed still isn't raising my bedding and rat block bill.
I am excited for you to be moving with a designated space for your animals! It makes hiding them and showing them off a lot easier. We will be moving at the end of May when my husband gets out of basic with the Coast Guard. I am so excited to have a spare bedroom as my own "space".
I love my animals, but I would also love to have family or guests over and not be berated with questions from those two don't understand bins. I would also love to have them in the spare bedroom to avoid "The Look" when people round the foyer and see the frog rack behind my dining room table.
I think it will pass. Just give it some time for everyone to forget. You are not doing anything wrong! You have a passion for these animals just like the rest of us. Even though other people do not understand, we do.
I agree with that bit about the number. I hate telling people the exact number because it doesn't really matter. the difference between 18 and 22 is not that much, but to a regular person it seems enormous.
I'm so glad to move. I currently live in a 500sqft apartment which works out just fine, but I can't really have guests for long periods, and all of my reptiles are in my living room. Its a little frustrating sometimes, but we make it work. Normally most of the people coming to my house have been there before and know about the animals. Those that are new are informed prior to entering that there are lots of reptiles! My upstairs neighbor is petrified of snakes and I told her they are all very secure and not going anywhere near her. She seemed comforted by the fact that I didn't pressure her to hold them or look at them.
Anyway.. I'm sure my mother will come around eventually.. I just wish it wasn't during the holidays during the short period of time I get to see my family :(
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I would kindly remind them who will be calling the shots when they are old and decrepit in a rest home sitting in a turd diaper someday :gj:
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
I can understand what you are going threw my family ( mostly my sister ) are against my rat breeding to feed my snakes. Most of them are ok with the snake hobby. But my sister was a pill over Christmas due to me breeding then euthanize my rats as snake food. The thing that I find absolutely hypocritical about the whole situation is she raises chickens as food and for eggs. But rats are too cute to breed and freeze for snake food. I am being inhumane in the killing of the rats. I use a CO2 chamber and take very good care of the rats. They are all fed well and all my breeders are treated as pets. Vet visits if needed and great food as well as play time. But all she could talk about was me freezing rats to feed to snakes. It was a very unpleasant family event and well most of the family just did not want to get involved but who could blame them. Then after the holiday she asked if she could adopt some of the babies I have to save them from snakes. What so you do with family but try to get along I guess:rolleyes:
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaorte
I think the financial blows came with the anger, not the worry.
I don't usually discuss my animals with my family, only when the specifically ask. The only reason this stuff came up was because my mother was facebook stalking me intensely. She has nothing better to do but sit on facebook and twitter all day. Maybe she needs to join the reptile hobby!
Just thought you should know that cracked me up
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaorte
I agree with that bit about the number. I hate telling people the exact number because it doesn't really matter. the difference between 18 and 22 is not that much, but to a regular person it seems enormous.
I'm so glad to move. I currently live in a 500sqft apartment which works out just fine, but I can't really have guests for long periods, and all of my reptiles are in my living room. Its a little frustrating sometimes, but we make it work. Normally most of the people coming to my house have been there before and know about the animals. Those that are new are informed prior to entering that there are lots of reptiles! My upstairs neighbor is petrified of snakes and I told her they are all very secure and not going anywhere near her. She seemed comforted by the fact that I didn't pressure her to hold them or look at them.
Anyway.. I'm sure my mother will come around eventually.. I just wish it wasn't during the holidays during the short period of time I get to see my family :(
I'm so sorry that your parents reacted the way they did. In my opinion is was waaaay out of line. However, people being individuals they are entitled to their opinions
I would play my best dead pan whenever it comes up (especially in a "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS!" manner). It doesn't sound like they're willing to listen to the reasonable side of it, and until the emotional reaction ebbs a bit it may be a futile effort. You seem to be taking it very well and maturely (good on you!!). You're not doing anything illegal, or unsafe, and at the very least they could respect you as an adult doing something you enjoy. They don't have to like it, but this reaction they had is negative to the point of bizarre to me
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Only people that support my hobby/business is me my fiancé and my brother my dad doesn't mind snakes but doesn't get the entire picture of why...no one really bugs me about it they know I'm a grown up and I will so as I want no matter what they say. But I will say that if you can have a conversation with your mom and explain everything to her or even make a presentation of everything like deaths by reptiles,the industry/hobby of breeding,the out going and income of money and show her the key points in the hobby maybe she will come around. I know it ain't much help and u can only do so much to get the point across buy just keep your head up and just remember everyone likes there own things and not everyone likes things that others like!
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Quote:
Originally Posted by Valentine Pirate
Just thought you should know that cracked me up
I'm so sorry that your parents reacted the way they did. In my opinion is was waaaay out of line. However, people being individuals they are entitled to their opinions
I would play my best dead pan whenever it comes up (especially in a "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS!" manner). It doesn't sound like they're willing to listen to the reasonable side of it, and until the emotional reaction ebbs a bit it may be a futile effort. You seem to be taking it very well and maturely (good on you!!). You're not doing anything illegal, or unsafe, and at the very least they could respect you as an adult doing something you enjoy. They don't have to like it, but this reaction they had is negative to the point of bizarre to me
Lol glad you caught my joke ;)
I'm sorry too. I really had wished to expose the truth once I had moved and was taking care of myself 100%. I figured once I was on my own two feet, they would respect my choices a little more.
In the meantime, I am going to let my mother be the one to approach me. I just don't feel comfortable talking to her about it unless she is willing to understand. I will gladly answer all of their questions to the best of my ability, but until they find some evidence that suggests I am doing something illegal or unsafe, I will not be changing my ways.
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaorte
I'm so glad to move. I currently live in a 500sqft apartment which works out just fine, but I can't really have guests for long periods, and all of my reptiles are in my living room. Its a little frustrating sometimes, but we make it work.
We must live in the same house! One bedroom, one bath and zero storage space. Is your "Laundry room" in a closet in your kitchen? Add two dogs and my young brother-in-law who stays 2 nights a week going to college classes. It's a little crowded.
My mom gripes about feeding the rats off too. I just remind her about the cute baby cows and little fluffy chicks that she eats. It's no different to raising your own livestock for slaughter. I started raising rats to know they have had a great life where they were healthy and loved before serving their purpose.
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Quote:
Originally Posted by aldebono
We must live in the same house! One bedroom, one bath and zero storage space. Is your "Laundry room" in a closet in your kitchen? Add two dogs and my young brother-in-law who stays 2 nights a week going to college classes. It's a little crowded.
My mom gripes about feeding the rats off too. I just remind her about the cute baby cows and little fluffy chicks that she eats. It's no different to raising your own livestock for slaughter. I started raising rats to know they have had a great life where they were healthy and loved before serving their purpose.
Sounds similar! But yours sounds much more complete. We have the bare minimum. Only appliances are the fridge an the oven/stove. No washer dryer, no dishwasher. I only have two closets. One is very large in the front of my house and has my bikes, supplies, sewing machine, rat food, cleaning stuff, incubator, cat litter, basically everything. The other closet I have is tiny and has my clothes. its crowded. its small. But I love it. I will miss my place when I move, but dang I can't wait for 3 bedrooms and 1500 square feet! My dog and cat will thank me later ;)
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I'm sorry you have to deal with this, and wish I could offer some advice that would help. I have gotten criticism for my choice in pets. I grew up having a lot of pets, always have, and have received criticism from my family, though not quite as bad as what you experienced. Like you, I mostly just avoid the topic with certain people I know would react badly. I’m just waiting for some of those family members to find out about the snakes I have now… They may not react badly (my in-laws were surprisingly cool with it and even wanted to see the snakes! I was nervous about them, because my MIL tends to be more like you described your mother: manicures, pedicures, hair just so, appearances are important, etc), but past experience has me weary. My parents have at least been accepting, even if they don’t like it. My dad’s response is, “Well if it makes you happy” and my mom’s response is “Yuck! Just keep them away from my granddaughter.” Not the greatest response, but at least not condescending either. Hopefully in time your mother will come around and at least accept your interests, even if she doesn't like it or understand.
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That is not motherly worrying. If she wants to cut you off from money that's just her over reacting. If she was worried for your safety she wouldn't threaten to cut you off like that. WHen I got my first snake my mom was of course very worried and would double check to see if I washed my hands ect. But she didn't try to kick me out of the house or take away my cell phone and so forth. And cutting your health care? How is that worrying for your health? To be honest with you, don't talk to your mom, talk to your dad. She's obviously very emotional and being irrational (not a bad thing, just a side effect of super emotional behavior) and convincing her is an impossible task. Just talk to your father and ignore her. And why is she mad that you didn't tell her about the snakes? If she ever brings it up tell her that she wouldn't support you anyways and that you are afraid of telling her anything. Show proof that you did not spend "her" money on your reptiles. Receipts and everything. After her anger dies out the facts will be the only thing standing and she won't have much to say :)
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As far as business goes I am unsure of your local laws. But I do know here that if you make any profit 3 out of 5 years doing your hobby, you will be considered a business and held to that standard. If you are not profitable in that same time frame, you can remain hobby status.
You are supposed to report the sales on your taxes. It is taxable income. That's why I got my business license and went right for it. We get to write off all our herp expenses too. As a hobby you can write things off as well (keep your receipts), but it would just bring you to a total of 0 if you spent more than you earned. As a business, money I have spent more than what I have earned becomes a part of my return. Just food for thought :)
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Quote:
Originally Posted by barbie.dragon
That is not motherly worrying. If she wants to cut you off from money that's just her over reacting. If she was worried for your safety she wouldn't threaten to cut you off like that. WHen I got my first snake my mom was of course very worried and would double check to see if I washed my hands ect. But she didn't try to kick me out of the house or take away my cell phone and so forth. And cutting your health care? How is that worrying for your health? To be honest with you, don't talk to your mom, talk to your dad. She's obviously very emotional and being irrational (not a bad thing, just a side effect of super emotional behavior) and convincing her is an impossible task. Just talk to your father and ignore her. And why is she mad that you didn't tell her about the snakes? If she ever brings it up tell her that she wouldn't support you anyways and that you are afraid of telling her anything. Show proof that you did not spend "her" money on your reptiles. Receipts and everything. After her anger dies out the facts will be the only thing standing and she won't have much to say :)
Agreed. I don't think she really intends to cut me off like that and I think my dad will be able to convince her otherwise since after all, he is the one making the money, not her.
I wish I could show her with receipts that I didn't use her money, but I don't keep all my receipts and the bank account received direct deposits from my parents and my job. The money they gave me was always budgeted and it always went to bills/school. I never had any leftover to spend on animals. It just wasn't possible.
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zombie
As far as business goes I am unsure of your local laws. But I do know here that if you make any profit 3 out of 5 years doing your hobby, you will be considered a business and held to that standard. If you are not profitable in that same time frame, you can remain hobby status.
You are supposed to report the sales on your taxes. It is taxable income. That's why I got my business license and went right for it. We get to write off all our herp expenses too. As a hobby you can write things off as well (keep your receipts), but it would just bring you to a total of 0 if you spent more than you earned. As a business, money I have spent more than what I have earned becomes a part of my return. Just food for thought :)
I am in Chicago. I have been doing a bit of research on getting an LBL or a home business license. I think I will have to talk to a city of Chicago representative before I make any final decisions.
What constitutes "profit"? Does this just mean animals you have sold, or does it factor in maintenance costs, new animals you've purchases, and food for those animals? Cause in that case, I won't be making profit for a while :P
I didn't know I could write those expenses off on my taxes. Even as a hobby? I don't know if that makes total sense to me, but I can see where that would be beneficial.
I am very interested in becoming a small business in the future. I don't think I will be making any profit in the next 2 years, but once my smaller females are breeding age, they could potentially throw me a profit. I don't think my parents understand the business potential with these animals. I'm not in it for the money, but its in the back of my mind and I am conscious of it.
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Yes, the expenses of feeding them, snake purchases, etc that you buy for the hobby would be write offs. Check with your tax professionals (even h&r block) and ask them. Sales of snakes and what not would be considered taxable income. If you have to report that income on your taxes then you should be able to report the costs to make those profits, make sense? Which would constitute wether you make a profit or not. If your expenses exceed your sales, then your non profitable. If you are doing it as a hobby that's where your expenses stop, bring you to 0. If you are a business, then the expenses beyond that go into the negative and become a part of your tax return :) hope this makes sense...
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zombie
Yes, the expenses of feeding them, snake purchases, etc that you buy for the hobby would be write offs. Check with your tax professionals (even h&r block) and ask them. Sales of snakes and what not would be considered taxable income. If you have to report that income on your taxes then you should be able to report the costs to make those profits, make sense? Which would constitute wether you make a profit or not. If your expenses exceed your sales, then your non profitable. If you are doing it as a hobby that's where your expenses stop, bring you to 0. If you are a business, then the expenses beyond that go into the negative and become a part of your tax return :) hope this makes sense...
Ah I see where you are going. I can see where that would be beneficial. My cousin does my taxes for me, so I will ask her about it :)
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i lucked out i guess.. while my mom doesnt understand why i like snakes and it doesnt make sense to her, she accepts it. my dad on the other hand has more than i do. lol but i've had friends and dated superficial people and maaan can they be frustrating. since most of them werent blood related they're all but memories now. but i wish you the best of luck. i dont have much more to add than what everyone else has said, but i would definitely wait until tempers have cooled off and then try and reason with her. angry people usually dont reason their best.
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
I would give your parents time to get used to the idea, but you should also stand your ground. You've done nothing wrong and you sound like a responsible adult. Unless you've had a pattern of being irresponsible throughout your adolescence, they should give you the benefit of the doubt and try to support you rather than treating you like a criminal.
I'm pretty lucky I suppose. My wife doesn't love my animals but understands the hobby. My mother loves my snakes and wants me to give her a pair of dumbo rats (I had to tell her I think she has too many other more demanding pets right now herself... 3 dogs and 2 birds is plenty for her until her hip replacement!) My in-laws know about my hobby and at least feign interest even if they don't fully understand why a person would do what I do.
The only person that is a bit negative is my sister. But she just wont go into my snake room and I can respect that. She has horrible dreams about snakes trapping her on top of her refrigerator for some reason... But she never called me weird for doing it. =)
My kids are definitely on-board with both snakes and rats in the house! Even my cats love the other critters in the house...
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Thanks everyone,
My dad responded to my email and seems a little more relaxed about it. He just said he doesn't want to hear about it which is fine with me.
I still need to talk to my mother at some point. Her birthday is coming up at the end of this month... I'd like to get her something but I have no idea what :/
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaorte
Thanks everyone,
My dad responded to my email and seems a little more relaxed about it. He just said he doesn't want to hear about it which is fine with me.
I still need to talk to my mother at some point. Her birthday is coming up at the end of this month... I'd like to get her something but I have no idea what :/
Let me start by saying, "HOLY CRAP!" She "caught" you owning unconventional pets, not running an escort service, dang! Anyway...
I get the impression that you and your mother are just very different people, neither one of you bad, just different. Maybe for her birthday you could offer her a "Let's Get to Know Each Other Day". When you have another opportunity to visit her, just the two of you spend a day doing what she likes. You got get your hair done, your nails, let a stranger rub your feet, which I wouldn't do in a million years, but I digress...
During this time, you don't talk about reptiles in any way, shape, or form. Well, unless mom spots a snakeskin clutch that she just can't live without. (Simmer down, folks, that was a joke). You spend the entire day indulging your mother in whatever it is that makes her happy.
In return, you ask her to sit down at the computer with you for however long and you walk her through all of the reptile related things that make you happy. Maybe you could ask her to accompany you to a couple of pet stores and actually look at the snakes. You're bound to see some less than stellar care and you can talk to your mom about what is wrong with it, how it should be, and why. Who knows? At the end of the day, maybe she'll come to understand why you care about stupid snakes. And maybe you'll learn things about her that you never knew.
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Had this happen with my boyfriend's family. I've wanted reptiles since I was a child (A butter corn snake, to be exact!) When I started dating my boyfriend, I realized I was in a financial situation where I could support this hobby. So I picked up a Crestie to start, due to ease of heat. Then I got a Leopard gecko as my first 'heat needing' reptile. Then a Gargoyle gecko. Found my dream snake and picked her up. Shortly after that, my breeder released a Pied male holdback for me, my second holy grail.
If you're keeping count, that's three geckos and two snakes. The Pied is a hatchling. The corn snake is my monster girl.
The family knew about the geckos, but once they found out I had snakes, the same thing happened. Judgement, freaking out, telling me I must be doing something illegal. Statements get tossed around like: "I've seen that show on TV! One bite and you're DEAD! Why would you do that?!" "Don't you know that that python will eat your cat if it has the chance?" "Why would you endanger yourselves like this?" "What's the point?" "Is this a cry for attention?"
All you can do is stand your ground during the emotional outbursts, tell them politely that you can give them information if they want it, but don't attack you for something you haven't done wrong. You can't force your mother to understand. No matter how many times you tell her, if she doesn't want to hear it, she's not going to listen. Period. All you can do is provide the invitation, the information and the willingness to talk to her. But she has to make the first step. Until they ask a question, the wall is going to be up and your attempts to 'educate' will fall on deaf or judgmental ears.
I invited my fiances family to come visit me during one of our educational events (I'm part of a local reptile society and we hold 4-7 public events every year). His parents didn't come, but his sister and brother-in-law did. They brought friends too. Once they started asking questions, holding them and seeing them in person, the judgments changed to curiosity. It was great. Since then, sure, they'll make passing comments whenever I mention wanting to get another one. But they don't lash out like they used to. Baby steps. I don't bring up my reptiles in conversation. I let other people ask questions. If they get rude, I stop answering questions. So it's all up to them and whether or not they want to change. If they do, great. If they don't, then that's their choice.
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Take a deep breath. I am not going to be very popular with this post and have been debating even posting. I'm probably your parent's age (if not older) and can some what see where they are coming from. First, it sounds like you are in an apartment. Does your landlord know you have these pets? Are they allowed in your lease? Your dad is right to question the legality. No father want's to have to bail out their kid and incur legal bills. But, he didn't say anything about your lease. It would not be very good to have the landlord knock on your door and tell you all the snakes have to go.
Second, why did you not tell your parents (when they were providing some financial support) that you were buying snakes? Sounds to me like you probably knew what the reaction would be. Looking at it from their point of view, that secrecy and hiding part of your life can hurt. If your parents are providing any support (insurance, cell phone, etc.), then who distinguishes what money goes to what item you buy? If you can afford expensive snakes, why can't you afford to pay your own bills? So, your mother does have a point. She may not be expressing it very well and I don't agree that she should shut you out like she has. I don't know her or how to advise you to heal the wound, but understand there is a wound there and it isn't all about hating snakes. Though, I suspect that the issue being snakes may be a catalyst in amplifying her emotions.
It appears that your father is coming around. From the sounds of it, your mother was looking at it from the sand point of control. She probably feels that she was sending you support and you used that support to hide purchases of things she does not approve of. By withholding that support (financial and emotional), she may be attempting to regain some of that control. I think you are correct to give her time to reflect and calm down.
Sorry, I don't mean to be throwing cold water on your hurt but thought a fresh look at it from a parent's perspective (of older children) might look at it. I hope you can get it all worked out and keep your animals. Also, hope you don't look at my post as any type of an attack - just a different perspective. Good luck.
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Quote:
Originally Posted by Don
Take a deep breath. I am not going to be very popular with this post and have been debating even posting. I'm probably your parent's age (if not older) and can some what see where they are coming from. First, it sounds like you are in an apartment. Does your landlord know you have these pets? Are they allowed in your lease? Your dad is right to question the legality. No father want's to have to bail out their kid and incur legal bills. But, he didn't say anything about your lease. It would not be very good to have the landlord knock on your door and tell you all the snakes have to go.
Second, why did you not tell your parents (when they were providing some financial support) that you were buying snakes? Sounds to me like you probably knew what the reaction would be. Looking at it from their point of view, that secrecy and hiding part of your life can hurt. If your parents are providing any support (insurance, cell phone, etc.), then who distinguishes what money goes to what item you buy? If you can afford expensive snakes, why can't you afford to pay your own bills? So, your mother does have a point. She may not be expressing it very well and I don't agree that she should shut you out like she has. I don't know her or how to advise you to heal the wound, but understand there is a wound there and it isn't all about hating snakes. Though, I suspect that the issue being snakes may be a catalyst in amplifying her emotions.
It appears that your father is coming around. From the sounds of it, your mother was looking at it from the sand point of control. She probably feels that she was sending you support and you used that support to hide purchases of things she does not approve of. By withholding that support (financial and emotional), she may be attempting to regain some of that control. I think you are correct to give her time to reflect and calm down.
Sorry, I don't mean to be throwing cold water on your hurt but thought a fresh look at it from a parent's perspective (of older children) might look at it. I hope you can get it all worked out and keep your animals. Also, hope you don't look at my post as any type of an attack - just a different perspective. Good luck.
I completely understand where you are coming from. I don't see it as an attack at all.
My landlord is 100% aware of my animals and I OK'd it before I signed my lease. The animals are written into my lease. His kids have even come over on multiple occasions to see them :)
I notified them when I got my first snake and they immediately told me to return it. This hurt a lot especially since I have had animals (even a reptile) all my life. Living on my own I just wanted something to take care of. Eventually I convinced them that a pet snake is not a big deal and I could easily afford to take care of it with the money I was making at my job. From then on out I just neglected to tell them anything. It was a slow accumulation. I never had more than 6 while I was in school and they were supporting me. I started to expand my collection once I was out of school and had my own job. But I never used money intended for bills/school for anything pet related. I understand there is no way to determine whose money was used on what, which would upset me too if I was in their position. But does that mean I cannot purchase anything for myself as long as they give me any sort of financial assistance?
I have offered to pay for my insurance and cell phone multiple times. I even tried to get my own phone service this summer (after I had a job) but they insisted they would pay for it. What am I supposed to do when they insist on paying for a way to communicate with me? I am financially capable of taking care of myself. I have no problem taking over my car insurance and cell phone, I just wish it came to provide me with independence, not as an attack. :/ It hurts that this is her best idea of how to solve the "problem". If my parents want me to support myself, I will gladly comply. I've actually been looking forward to the day where I am completely financially independent of my parents simply because I don't like their rules that they push on me.
I mainly just wish she would talk to me about it. I really do feel bad that I lied, but I lied for something I love doing because I know my parents wouldn't understand my reasoning. She will have to forgive me eventually. I am an adult and I can take care of myself and my zoo. :P
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrandiR
Let me start by saying, "HOLY CRAP!" She "caught" you owning unconventional pets, not running an escort service, dang! Anyway...
I get the impression that you and your mother are just very different people, neither one of you bad, just different. Maybe for her birthday you could offer her a "Let's Get to Know Each Other Day". When you have another opportunity to visit her, just the two of you spend a day doing what she likes. You got get your hair done, your nails, let a stranger rub your feet, which I wouldn't do in a million years, but I digress...
During this time, you don't talk about reptiles in any way, shape, or form. Well, unless mom spots a snakeskin clutch that she just can't live without. (Simmer down, folks, that was a joke). You spend the entire day indulging your mother in whatever it is that makes her happy.
In return, you ask her to sit down at the computer with you for however long and you walk her through all of the reptile related things that make you happy. Maybe you could ask her to accompany you to a couple of pet stores and actually look at the snakes. You're bound to see some less than stellar care and you can talk to your mom about what is wrong with it, how it should be, and why. Who knows? At the end of the day, maybe she'll come to understand why you care about stupid snakes. And maybe you'll learn things about her that you never knew.
We are extremely different people.
I wish I could do something like this, but I'm not sure the next time I will be able to see my family. I wanted to vacation in Florida with my mom sometime in the next few months... but that depends on her attitude.
I can only hope that she will eventually need to understand why I have this hobby and will allow me to explain. I know a fair amount about snakes and I love talking about them... to the right people.
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Steffe, it is hard for parents to let go of their children. That support they have been giving you, is the only form of control that they have left over you. They offer to pay your phone as a way to say we want you to stay in touch - at least that is what they try to tell themselves. They pay your car insurance as a way of saying I want you to be safe - also what they tell you and themselves. Some parents have trouble knowing the difference between being in your life and controlling your life. I know because I had issues with it when I was leaving the home. That financial help is coming with a pretty big emotional price tag. If I were you and if I had the resources, I would cut the financial tie as soon as possible. They can not force you to take their money. You may find that your complete financial independence changes the relationship in a good way. They will then know that they can not control you and the relationship will go to a different level - one of respect and one in which you treat each other as adults, rather than parent and child. As long as they provide financial support, they will feel that they have the right to exert some control.
Glad to hear about your landlord. Good luck!
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Quote:
Originally Posted by Don
Steffe, it is hard for parents to let go of their children. That support they have been giving you, is the only form of control that they have left over you. They offer to pay your phone as a way to say we want you to stay in touch - at least that is what they try to tell themselves. They pay your car insurance as a way of saying I want you to be safe - also what they tell you and themselves. Some parents have trouble knowing the difference between being in your life and controlling your life. I know because I had issues with it when I was leaving the home. That financial help is coming with a pretty big emotional price tag. If I were you and if I had the resources, I would cut the financial tie as soon as possible. They can not force you to take their money. You may find that your complete financial independence changes the relationship in a good way. They will then know that they can not control you and the relationship will go to a different level - one of respect and one in which you treat each other as adults, rather than parent and child. As long as they provide financial support, they will feel that they have the right to exert some control.
Glad to hear about your landlord. Good luck!
This is exactly what I think is happening, thus why I have no problems being financially independent. My parents are incredibly controlling. I was a difficult child, not in the sense that I did bad things or misbehaved, but I was very frustrated with their controlling personalities and took it out on them. If I got bad grades, I was grounded. If I yelled, I was grounded. Most of my high school career was spent being grounded. I wasn't allowed out after school on weekdays... ever. They controlled every aspect of my life, and tried to control as much as they could long distance while I was away at school.
My pets were like my secret escape from their control. At the time, what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them.
I hope to eliminate financial ties by the end of the year, possibly sooner.
Oh and I am moving to a new place this month, which will help cut down my cost of living. Also I will be my own landlord! Hooray :)
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It seems theres too many shows on tv diagnose collectors with phsycological problems. How is it any different than ranchers that raise cattle or horses and sell for money. I could understand if you had 27 cats in cages up to the cieling but i think the problem lies in your moms misunderstanding of what "owning snakes" really is.
When i tell people that i own 10 snakes they envision a house full of dirty tanks and cages . In reality its a corner of my bedroom with a asthetically acceptable rack. It doesnt take much money owning them. Maybe a visit or even a webcam walkthrough if your house will clear things up a bit
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Steffe, I don't know what to say. I am so very sorry you are dealing with all of this. My parents also do not approve, but they do at least try to understand. I am extremely fortunate. But I can also fully imagine just what you're going through. I will keep you in my prayers that you and your parents will find some common ground. Try to remember just how much you love each other and hopefully they will remember that too. Love can open all kinds of dialog and increase understanding. I do not have any other words of wisdom or advice - I just wanted you to know I support you and all your efforts to mend those bonds.
:hug:
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evenstar
Steffe, I don't know what to say. I am so very sorry you are dealing with all of this. My parents also do not approve, but they do at least try to understand. I am extremely fortunate. But I can also fully imagine just what you're going through. I will keep you in my prayers that you and your parents will find some common ground. Try to remember just how much you love each other and hopefully they will remember that too. Love can open all kinds of dialog and increase understanding. I do not have any other words of wisdom or advice - I just wanted you to know I support you and all your efforts to mend those bonds.
:hug:
Thanks Kali!! :) I'm sure with time this will all blow over eventually. I think my mom is just forgetting that her little precious baby is grown up and can make decisions on her own. I don't ask her to approve, just to understand and accept it. It isn't going away. I'll admit I am a little afraid to speak to my mother at the moment.. I feel like all she will do is either shut down and not speak to me, or scream at me :( I just can't believe she could be so angry with me over this... of all things. She is acting like I am some sort of disgrace.. :( I just want her to realize I am the same person I was before she found out about the snakes. Nothing has changed about me.
Sigh. I've never been close with my mother. It is hard to mend a bond that wasn't that strong to begin with. I am a very independent person and I have been from a young age. I don't really seek the affection of my parents.. but I do value their support whether it be financial or not.
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An update of sorts..
I've been talking with my dad. My mother is still angry with me, but my dad doesn't seem to care. My moms birthday is this weekend, so I got her a gift certificate for a long massage which I will send along with a card and a handwritten note. I was going to mail it out today... but I woke up and saw a post she had made on facebook:
Quote:
After 'Tweeting' with this 18 yr old for over a year, a friendship of sorts has developed. She is a devoted Keith Urban fan, and although there is a vast age difference between us, there are many commonalities.
My new friend, recently was accepted to an Art and Design college in Nashville, TN. She comes from a 'Po-Dunc' town in Texas, is very humble and has had to take out all kinds of loans to move to Nashville to attend this school.
I just love to read her 'Tweets' she's always up beat, never complaining about her hardships( of which there are many ), and always inspiring to others.
Today she 'Tweeted' about needing to get up at 4:00 am to be ready to catch the bus at 5:30 am to get to school, so she could finish a paper that was due for class.
I thought about this all day. Why in the world was she getting up so damn early. It dawned on me that she must not own a computer. Later in the day I confirmed this with her.
At dinner, I discussed this with my husband and we decided to buy her a computer, printer, all the necessary software, a serge protector and any/ all connecting cords.
Needless to say she was so happy. She couldn't believe this was happening. I only asked her to get good grades and become successful, of which she promised to do.
She will never know how much happiness she has given me. Seeing how generous and loving this young girl is has been inspiring and so moving to me. Believe me when I say she's lead a hard life. I'm proud to call her my friend, and look forward to her many accomplishments she will have in the future.
Oh...one quick caveat. As soon as my friend got settled in on campus her first 'Tweet' was..." I'm so happy... my dorm apartment is right across the street from a mini-mall'. Tomorrow look for a job.
This my friends is what gives me hope for the future of 'America':)
This post really bothered me.. Its like she has found a new daughter to be proud of. This is like a punch in the face.. :( I'm not mad that she is helping other people out... but buying a stranger a laptop and everything that goes with it? I'm sorry but to me that goes a little beyond being simply generous. Its like she is finding a new girl to replace me.
I don't need my mom to buy me things to make me happy.. I just want her to be proud of me, even when I am doing something she is not particularly fond of. I want her to talk to me like a normal person instead of bringing up things that may cause conflict. I can't believe this is happening.. It just makes me want to give up on her. Seems like she has found happiness elsewhere with someone else's kid.
:tears: :tears: :tears: :tears: :tears:
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I maintained, though I didn't say it, that it needs to be your mothers own volition that this gets resolved. If that's the way she wants to play it, then let her have her day. Don't let her know it bothers you, and hey, why not post about successful feeding days while you're at it. ;)
Although, I'm a vindictive person and can stand not talking to family...
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kodieh
I maintained, though I didn't say it, that it needs to be your mothers own volition that this gets resolved. If that's the way she wants to play it, then let her have her day. Don't let her know it bothers you, and hey, why not post about successful feeding days while you're at it. ;)
Although, I'm a vindictive person and can stand not talking to family...
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Yeah, I know it has to be my mom... but I'm concerned she will just not let this go.. or at least she will keep bringing it up and complaining about it :(
I don't let her see any of my posts on facebook.. I don't really talk with my family that much, but I don't want to be cut off from them all together.. This sucks
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Wow.
It sucks to start to become an adult and realize your parents aren't superheroes. It sucks even more when they're actively foolish, immature, and communication-deficient people. I'm not calling your mom that, just citing a lot of observation I've seen myself and my close friends make.
Good news is that interaction with family becomes a choice as an adult.
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrLang
Wow.
It sucks to start to become an adult and realize your parents aren't superheroes. It sucks even more when they're actively foolish, immature, and communication-deficient people. I'm not calling your mom that, just citing a lot of observation I've seen myself and my close friends make.
Good news is that interaction with family becomes a choice as an adult.
I never thought my parents were superheroes, I've always been sorta independent.
That is exactly what my mom is. She is ignoring me for such a trivial reason... I just wish she would forgive me and we can get on with our lives.
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Like I said, don't let her know it bothers you. Make movements to go back to how it used to be, pick up old routines like calling home. Call your dad, ask how his day was, etc. Then pop the how's mom question. Follow up with can I talk to her. Act like nothing is wrong.
At least, that's what I'd do.
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Re: Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kodieh
Like I said, don't let her know it bothers you. Make movements to go back to how it used to be, pick up old routines like calling home. Call your dad, ask how his day was, etc. Then pop the how's mom question. Follow up with can I talk to her. Act like nothing is wrong.
At least, that's what I'd do.
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Ya know.. I never really called home much because it always ended up being a discussion about something I was doing wrong, or should have done, or should have done better.. Its gotten better after I've graduated and gotten a job, but my mother still likes to bring up things that she knows will upset me.
And to be truthful, I am still kind of scared to talk to her :(
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