Sometimes I hate him!

Sometimes I swear my husband is the biggest idiot in the world!
Mu husband decided to take 40$ of our rent money to go buy pot! Not to mention we have no money fpr gas, or groceries. I havent eaten in 3 day because I kbow that money is all we have! Both of our hours have been cut and we live paycheck to paycheck. He tells me not to stress, but I was stressed before this. Hes 31 years old and apparently would rather have pot then a home and groceries. Im so mad and upset and lost because I have no idea what to do.
Sorry I just had to rant some.

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And youre still with him because....?

That sucks, I'm sorry to hear it. :( Hopefully things work out for you.

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Yikes. Sounds like a serious issue. Have you really not eaten in 3 days? If so, do you receive any assistance from the state? If not I would pay a visit to HHS and look into food stamps and even possibly cash assistance. That said, if you take money while someone you live with uses your money for drugs then you have no business asking for help from others.

First off go eat! Don't worry about money if he's not. Then leave and go get assistant. There are so many programs that help women, from shelter to food. You don't have to leave him for good but he does need a wake up call.

I get exactly 17$ in food stamps. I dont qualify for more they say I make too much money. I only make 1200$ a month and my bills are over 1000$. That leaves me with $200 for gas groceries and animal food.
My husban has a job but got fired for 2 weeks, then he got his job back but his next few checks are going to be very low. He knows we already live check by check. And yes I havent eaten in 3 days. I wish I could go spwnd money and nit care but its my credit that will get ruined if bills arent paid.

I just dont understand how a 31 yo can be so selfish and irresponsible.
Im not asking anyone for money. I am just ranting. I am very upset.


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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mike41793

And youre still with him because....?

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Honestly I have no idea. Probably because I rely on the money he gives me when his checks are good to survive :(

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I think one poster was suggesting that you leave for a bit to give a wake up call. Personally, I'd advise against this. I don't think it's ever a good idea to leave with the intent of returning just to teach someone a lesson.

I've seen this a lot and more often than not, the lesson learned is "I can behave however I want and as long as I shape up for awhile after, she'll come back".
Either the relationship is worth salvaging or it isn't. Sure, sometimes people reconnect after a break up, but that shouldn't be the intent.

This tactic will almost undoubtedly exacerbate the problem and create a cycle of controlling behavior and emotional harm (for both parties).

Bad guy train coming through.. choo choooooooo

If you really haven't eaten in 3 days then I think there is a lot more being poorly executed here than meets the eye. A box of pasta and a can of sauce is 2 dollars and would make at least 6 meals.

Does it matter what the 40 bucks is for? Let's just call it 'leisure.' Just to play devil's advocate, how much a week do you spend on feeding your pets? I'd consider pet ownership to be a luxury just the same as feeding the mind for relaxation. Haven't you spent 40 bucks a month on feeding the pets that help you maintain peace of mind and excitement from life? Since the whole 'pot' thing is going to get ripped to shreds...

Alternatively (I have no idea if he even has health insurance) he could get a visit with a psychiatrist for depression/stress, pay a co-pay, spend time he could otherwise spend looking for work dealing with these visits, be required to come back for follow-up (more co-pay), get prescribed a food for the mind that has more inhibiting immediate effects (klonopin, valium, etc) and high chances for chemical dependence, pay more co-pay for the prescription, and still be in exactly the same spot (and potentially having spent more money in the process).

So if it's the idea that he spent it on 'pot' that's turning you away I think you need a new husband (your preference, not his failing).

If he's simply being irresponsible with money in general then shame on him.

If your husband is actually out of work / getting small paychecks then he is definitely due more than 17 dollars in food stamps. When I worked at TJMaxx bringing home 200 dollar a week checks I got over 100 dollars a month in assistance.

Good luck, hope I did not offend too much.


EDIT: 100% agree with BrandiR

My husbands a felon. He gets no goverment assistance.

Im not mad about him smoking pot. Im mad that he took it from designated bill money. I put up all our bill money to the side. He took money from that particular amount that he knows not to touch..

Mr. lang no theres nothing going on we were doing fine up till 2 weeks ago. I am mad at him being irresponsible..
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I agree with Brandi as well however I feel that what Chris was saying was that she needs to leave to take care of herself (go to a shelter, go to a food kitchen, etc.), becuase if she doesn't eat then I would say her most basic need to be filled at the moment is simply survival. If after you leave he gets his act together and you believe that he has seriously reconsidered things then you could try again at that point, assuming it is something that you want to do.

Either way, I'm sure there is more going on here than meets the eye and this is only one incident in the last XX years of your lives together. I can only give a perspective on this one thing and it is obviously out of context.

Normally his checks are abiut 470. And I put away 200 for bills and the rest is for gas, food, pets.. Ect. Well I got paid 2 fridays ago. My check was gone in about 4 days. So then he got his check this saturday. It was inly 213. Our bills havent changed so I still had to put 200 away.
My husband is not depressed he is an ex hard drug addict who now just smokes pot. But at 31 yo he should be mature enough to not spend our important bill money.
Up until 3 days ago I has a few groceries they are gone now.

My husband works at a resturaunt he gets free food so he eats every day. I on the other hand dont have that luxury.

Im not mad he smokes or bought pot. If we had the extra money I wouldnt care but at this moment and time we didnt have the extra money.

Im hurt he stole the money from me.

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Did you tell him how you feel and why you are upset?

Blowing off some steam on the forum is fine, but you shouldn't expect us to solve the problem. :(

Perhaps you could speak with your landlord and explain your situation and get a small extension for your rent? Maybe try selling things around the house you don't need anymore. Books, CDs, DVDs...

You need to eat. You can't starve yourself like this. Do you really have no food at all in your house? I wish I could drive over and give you a bunch of food that is spilling out of my pantry!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by gsarchie

I agree with Brandi as well however I feel that what Chris was saying was that she needs to leave to take care of herself (go to a shelter, go to a food kitchen, etc.), becuase if she doesn't eat then I would say her most basic need to be filled at the moment is simply survival. If after you leave he gets his act together and you believe that he has seriously reconsidered things then you could try again at that point, assuming it is something that you want to do.

Either way, I'm sure there is more going on here than meets the eye and this is only one incident in the last XX years of your lives together. I can only give a perspective on this one thing and it is obviously out of context.

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^^
This is what I meant with my first post. And I will add that if he is an addict then he needs to seek help through NA or some other program. "Stealing" money for pot is the first step towards remission. And I still strongly suggest you go seek help, the Salvation Army or other food bank for a meal, and leave him. If you're only ranting to rant your situation will NOT get better. Please take care of yourself and don't worry about your husband.

Yeah, he's doing it wrong. Sorry to hear that.

So he gets free food at the restaurant and doesn't bring you a doggie bag? Now I'm going to have to land where Mike did:

Why are you still with him?

Take his pot and tell him you smoked it, then spout whatever excuse he gave to you for taking the money back at him. If he gets jostled enough, point out the irony in getting clean of hard drugs and treating pot like it is one.

I try talking to him. He calls me a pessamist and shuts down everything I say. Sometimes I wish I could leave him, but I cant afford to financially live without his paychecks :(



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Quote:

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Originally Posted by ChrisS

^^
This is what I meant with my first post. And I will add that if he is an addict then he needs to seek help through NA or some other program. "Stealing" money for pot is the first step towards remission. And I still strongly suggest you go seek help, the Salvation Army or other food bank for a meal, and leave him. If you're only ranting to rant your situation will NOT get better. Please take care of yourself and don't worry about your husband.

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I agree, you need to take care of yourself first. I don't necessarily agree that you should leave him. As someone stated earlier, we don't know if this is an isolated incident or reoccurring behavior. It's irresponsible to suggest that someone break their marriage without having all the details, and probably a degree in relationship psychology.

You need to have an honest no-holds-barred discussion with HIM about this. Ultimately, you ( and he) suffer the consequences and/or reap the rewards of the choices you make. We are a sounding board and sometimes we need that, just someone to vent to. But when you start actively contemplating a solution, take outside input with a grain of salt. You know yourself and what you want from life better than anyone else.

- - - Updated - - -

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ChrisS

^^
This is what I meant with my first post. And I will add that if he is an addict then he needs to seek help through NA or some other program. "Stealing" money for pot is the first step towards remission. And I still strongly suggest you go seek help, the Salvation Army or other food bank for a meal, and leave him. If you're only ranting to rant your situation will NOT get better. Please take care of yourself and don't worry about your husband.

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I agree, you need to take care of yourself first. I don't necessarily agree that you should leave him. As someone stated earlier, we don't know if this is an isolated incident or reoccurring behavior. It's irresponsible to suggest that someone break their marriage without having all the details, and probably a degree in relationship psychology.

You need to have an honest no-holds-barred discussion with HIM about this. Ultimately, you ( and he) suffer the consequences and/or reap the rewards of the choices you make. We are a sounding board and sometimes we need that, just someone to vent to. But when you start actively contemplating a solution, take outside input with a grain of salt. You know yourself and what you want from life better than anyone else.

- - - Updated - - -

Based on your post, its evident that you know what you want. Don't be afraid! You would be amazed at how strong you are. Financially you might suffer for awhile, but that's better than a lifetime of being unhappy.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PorcelainxDoll

I try talking to him. He calls me a pessamist and shuts down everything I say. Sometimes I wish I could leave him, but I cant afford to financially live without his paychecks :(



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Realists are often mistaken for pessimists... I know; I am one! :rolleyes: And people dont like straight talk cuz reality bites and the truth hurts. Im sorry you are in this situation. I hope it works out.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PorcelainxDoll

I try talking to him. He calls me a pessamist and shuts down everything I say. Sometimes I wish I could leave him, but I cant afford to financially live without his paychecks :(

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I think everyone is giving the best advice they can, with the information we have. One (rhetorical) question I have is, do you call the situation you are currently in really financially living? Although it isn't fun or ideal, really think through your options on places to stay, etc. Yes, your credit might suffer, and that isn't remotely fair - but, neither is feeling trapped and taken advantage of by someone who is supposed to be your partner in life. Just something to consider...

This isn't going to make me popular...

But, openly admitting you are only with someone you are supposed to love because you require their money looks petty. I am not taking sides or even going to try to understand the complexities of your situation, but I just wanted to point that out to you. I have a hard time feeling sorry for someone who uses someone else for nothing other than financial stability.

That aside,
Your pets are a luxury. If you can't afford a $40 slip up than you can't afford a $300 vet bill. If you have a collection, downsize to your favorite snake, or simply find new homes for your animals so that you alleviate the associated costs of keeping pets. That should more than make up for $40 of slip ups and give you a larger financial pillow to land on.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PorcelainxDoll

I try talking to him. He calls me a pessamist and shuts down everything I say. Sometimes I wish I could leave him, but I cant afford to financially live without his paychecks :(



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get a smaller place by yourself and your rent will go down. CT is THE most expensive state to live in and i am 100% sure that i could live off of $1200 a month. If hes only shutting you down and trying to put the blame on you then hes not a man, hes a child. A man supports his family, he doesnt go out and spend money on wants instead of needs. I dont have a wife or a gf, but i can assure you if i did she would never go three days without food.

In already in an efficiency. Cant get any smaller or cheaper. I jyst also have a lot if car and bank loans.. If I could get one or 2 of them payed off I could survive just fine on my own.
Plus I have to mention we got in a fight earlier about me wanting him to just sit and talk to me sometimes.

He burned off and has been gone for 2 hours.


Im sorry if I have caused comotion or anything. I am just a very sad and hurt woman for the last few days, and I really have no one else to vent to.
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That really blows...Believe me im pretty sure all of us have been in a similar situation at one time or another, I know I have. But things will get better (hopefully) Just be glad you dont have kids and tell him to quit being a jerk off and that your hungry, maybe he can bring you home some food? I wish you were close to me because I would help you out.

Don't apologize, we're just anons giving you unbridled third party perspectives.

Go gold digging and get a guy who can ACTUALLY help you get out of debt if your reason for staying with him is financial dependence. It sounds like he is more of a drain than a contributor to you.

If you guys can't sit in an empty room together for a few hours with no form of entertainment other than each other (physical entertainment banned from said empty room) and have a good time then you simply shouldn't be together with this person. Call me idealistic, but I've seen enough successful relationships to know that they're possible and that the above mentioned is true in 100% of those cases.

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Originally Posted by MrLang

If you guys can't sit in an empty room together for a few hours with no form of entertainment other than each other (physical entertainment banned from said empty room) and have a good time then you simply shouldn't be together with this person. Call me idealistic, but I've seen enough successful relationships to know that they're possible and that the above mentioned is true in 100% of those cases.

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Very well said.

The bare facts are the guy doesn't get a flying flip about your opinion or what you think should be done with the money. You can sit there wringing your hands and telling yourself you can't do anything about it... or you can get up on your hind legs, and do something about it.

The fact that you're claiming you haven't eaten in 3 days, but he's been eating and obviously doesn't care whether you're starving or not shows that you are perfectly willing to take whatever selfish abuse he wants to deal out to you.

Like someone else said, you can live off a box of dry pasta for a week. Or rice and beans. You're paying for luxuries while saying you can't buy food. Turn off the tv, internet, phone, sell the animals... there's always options, whether you like them or want to do it or not. There's also always places to go get a meal, churches, shelters and such. Are you saying that you don't have ONE person that you know that would spot you $5 to buy pasta/rice/beans? Because I hate most of my neighbors but I guarantee I could find $5 off someone.

As long as you are perfectly willing to be treated like crud, there's no reason he should change. Kick him out, figure out how to live more frugally and straighten up your life.

Girl I am so sorry he is being a jerk off. I def know from experience from someone in my family that was hard on drugs for like 13 years that it takes a lot of hard work and dedication (& the want to) to quit doing them! appearently he doesnt want to quit them otherwise like most ppl said he would think about "yall" and not"HIM"!! I am not a big fan of ppl choosing drugs over family cuz my mom chose them over me, not the best thing in the world! I dont really know what to say to help you much other than if you want out get out dont worry bout the money.. Money can always be made if your not happy dont kill yourself trying to make something work that wasnt ment to be! Maybe go live with another family member for awhile till you get on your feet! I'v been in a relationship where I was scared to get out cuz I didnt know if I had anywhere to go or if I would have any money! Family is someone you can 99% of the time count on mine was there for me wen I left the a**hole i was with.. Now look at me and Adam me and you have had this talk before! I would leave just talk to some of your family

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PorcelainxDoll

I try talking to him. He calls me a pessamist and shuts down everything I say. Sometimes I wish I could leave him, but I cant afford to financially live without his paychecks :(



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I don't think you really DO want to leave him, or you wouldn't be making excuses for him. The fact that he's a felon already shows he has a history of making poor choices.

You also can't afford financially to be with him if he cares so little for you that getting pot is more important to him than making sure his house is in order and his wife has food to eat. He sounds very self centered.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by rabernet

I don't think you really DO want to leave him, or you wouldn't be making excuses for him. The fact that he's a felon already shows he has a history of making poor choices.

You also can't afford financially to be with him if he cares so little for you that getting pot is more important to him than making sure his house is in order and his wife has food to eat. He sounds very self centered.

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I so agree with this yall should be making choices together not him deciding what he is going to do with bill money..

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PorcelainxDoll

In already in an efficiency. Cant get any smaller or cheaper. I jyst also have a lot if car and bank loans.. If I could get one or 2 of them payed off I could survive just fine on my own.
Plus I have to mention we got in a fight earlier about me wanting him to just sit and talk to me sometimes.

He burned off and has been gone for 2 hours.


Im sorry if I have caused comotion or anything. I am just a very sad and hurt woman for the last few days, and I really have no one else to vent to.
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Dude if youre just staying with him bc you need money from his income to help pay your bills but hes spending money on leisure stuff then that clearly negates the reason your with him. If thats the only reason you wanna be with someone then just find some rich dude and pretend your in love with him and use him for his money. I think they even have websites for stuff like that. Like "findmeasugardaddy.com" or something. lmao. Im not trying to be mean but from the facts youve given us and what youre saying it makes you sound stupid trying to defend or justify his actions.

I totally agree with what MrLang said. If he cant even sit down and talk to you then dont bother staying with him. Thats not a healthy relationship.

If he can't spend the same amount of money as you spend on pets.... Your not in a fare relationship....

if he doesn't bring food from the restaurant... He doesn't care for you...

if you guys can't sit alone together... You guys have obviously grown apart from each other....

With $1200 a month you could find an apartment and live on your own... Find roommates or rent a room in someone's house... Maybe a garage? Craigslist will help...


imo

Your relationship doesn't sound very healthy and for your own sake it might be time to leave him. You say you need to stay with him because you can't afford to live on your own, why not find a new place and a roommate? That would give you someone to split the bills with but would hopefully be a healthier situation for you.

Ok, I'm going to throw my advice cents in here regarding finances and prioritizing, as I have been in serious financial straights (and I mean almost on the street with nothing serious) myself...recently at that.

First priority, as you most likely know, is housing. If one does not have a place to stay, then other bills are moot. This means your own place, being a roommate with others, or staying with family or a friend for a while. In the budget, this is #1.
Next are the utilities - electric, gas, water. Especially as it gets colder, heating of some sort is important. Granted, these one can do without if absolutely necessary (and you have plenty of blankets and such), but they are still important. I budget for these #2.
Then, you have food. One of the basics for living, and something you can go cheap on, as others have already said (rice and beans and pasta are cheap) but NOT do without.

Those are the main three expenses when in a pinch. Things like internet, phone, and cable you should do without. When you keep in contact with people, let them know the situation, you might even find that they tell you about local assistance programs to help with phone bills and utility bills.
Now, as far as loans or credit cards go... these are actually LAST in importance. You have to live, and loan payments are not helping you do that. I know, I have 2 credit cards and several student loans I need to pay back...but the loans haven't been touched yet and the cards only get bare minimum when I can spare it. The old saying 'you can't squeeze blood from stone' applies well here. Call the banks and let them know you're in tight financial times and can't afford the full payments. They should be willing to find you a different plan until you're better off, maybe get you lower monthly payments or even find a way to do a deferment or forbearance. And of course, you should look into federal consolidation, which applies to regular loans as well as student.

Ok that's my money advice. :) As for right now, first you need to find a shelter, church, some place you can get a meal. They are out there, you just need to ask around. After that, you can sit down and think out what you want to do with your life and if that plan includes the man you're with now. Remember, no matter what is happening, It's YOUR Life! You must do what is best for you that lets you live a good and happy life.
Look into all your options, keep calm, and remember you have friends you can turn to. Good luck, hon!

Living with someone because you're afraid to be alone is not living.

Before I get to anything else on this topic directly, I have to ask you....


Are you happy?

Things are never going to change if you do nothing about it...You need to get your priorities straight. It might help to make a list of pros and cons of staying with your partner and if the list of cons out weighs the pros I think it may be time to move on.
You will never know whats out there if you dont at least try. Maybe easier said than done but you will be happier in the long run.
Also if you somethimes HATE your partner, well thats not a good thing.
Good Luck in whatever you choose.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Vasiliki

Living with someone because you're afraid to be alone is not living.

Before I get to anything else on this topic directly, I have to ask you....


Are you happy?

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80% of the time yes.
This is an isolated instsnce. He does a lot of stupid selfish things. It has never been this bad before.
I may sound stupid, I am just not the kind of person to give up on my marriage. My mom was married 6x. I dont want that to happen to me.
He has promised to make this situation right so we will see.
Thank you everyone for your advice. I am very much taking it all in.

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Sometimes it's worth roughing it, sometimes it's better to cut your losses.

Don't be prideful and stay in a bad situation just because you don't want to be like your mother. Chances are, she saw a bad situation and chose to get out of it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PorcelainxDoll

80% of the time yes.
This is an isolated instsnce. He does a lot of stupid selfish things. It has never been this bad before.
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This is an isolated instance but he does alot of stupid selfish things? That doesnt make sense.

Only 80% of the time youre happy? You only have one life to live, why not live it 100% happy all the time? When you grow old you dont wanna be looking back and thinking that you were only happy part of the time.

Well I found $40 more taken when I woke up.. Ya I think I am done. :(

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If you haven't eaten in 3 days, what are you feeding HIM? He probably needs the weed to be able to stomach the ketchup and crackers you are forcing him scavenge for by not cooking regular meals.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Norsejeff

If you haven't eaten in 3 days, what are you feeding HIM? He probably needs the weed to be able to stomach the ketchup and crackers you are forcing him scavenge for by not cooking regular meals.

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She's his wife, not his mother.
And it's already been stated that he eats at the restaurant he works at. If you're going to respond with nonsense, at least read through the whole thing and try to come up with something that hasn't already been addressed.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Norsejeff

If you haven't eaten in 3 days, what are you feeding HIM?

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A grown man can feed himself :rolleyes: She's not his maid and chef: he can go get his own dinner if he needs to (even without working at a restaurant).

OP: I hope you figure out what you want to do and that it works out for you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Norsejeff

If you haven't eaten in 3 days, what are you feeding HIM? He probably needs the weed to be able to stomach the ketchup and crackers you are forcing him scavenge for by not cooking regular meals.

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Maybe you misread that he works at a resturaunt and gets FREE food. He has eaten everyday!
He gets pot because hes a DRUG ADDICT!



Thank you ladies for pointing that out to him... I think I decided I am.done since 40$ more has gone missing since I posted this... So much for him crying saying he loved and needed me... Ah oh well.
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Quote:

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Originally Posted by BrandiR

She's his wife, not his mother.
And it's already been stated that he eats at the restaurant he works at. If you're going to respond with nonsense, at least read through the whole thing and try to come up with something that hasn't already been addressed.

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Doth mine eyes deceive me? Fair maiden, is thine presence forsooth? Lo! It has been ages betwixt mine and yours last endeavor! Verily! How fare thee, mine most honorable and noble damsel?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PorcelainxDoll

Well I found $40 more taken when I woke up.. Ya I think I am done. :(

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So what you are saying is he took $40 from you... AND YOU LEFT THE MONEY IN THE SAME PLACE...

and then he took another $40? and you are surprised?

Why didn't you relocate the money to a safer place?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lovepig78

So what you are saying is he took $40 from you... AND YOU LEFT THE MONEY IN THE SAME PLACE...

and then he took another $40? and you are surprised?

Why didn't you relocate the money to a safer place?

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Nope this time the money was in my wallet next to me while I was asleep. Before it was in a safe box...

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On a serious note, OP, don't abandon the guy you loved enough to marry because he has a problem with drugs. Get him help and be by his side to support him on his road to recovery. Leaving the poor guy will only further his problem. If you care about him, help him into recovery. Trust me, I'm in recovery and having a loving support system is vital!

He did it again?? Then yep, that as they say is that. He has proven that he doesn't mean what he says and will continue doing these things.

Well dear, personally I think you can do much better on your own. :) Remember that you can always ask for advise or even help from us here and we'll do our best. *HUGS* and Good luck with a fresh start!

Oh, and BTW - it is totally possible to live on $1200 a month alone. My partner and I BOTH live on that amount currently, and we live near Seattle WA. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Argentra

He did it again?? Then yep, that as they say is that. He has proven that he doesn't mean what he says and will continue doing these things.

Well dear, personally I think you can do much better on your own. :) Remember that you can always ask for advise or even help from us here and we'll do our best. *HUGS* and Good luck with a fresh start!

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Just to offer a different perspective from someone who's in recovery, he might have very well meant to do as he promised and was being completely sincere.... Addicts are sick people. They have a disease. Its a disease no one but another addict can ever fully understand. Don't try to understand why he does the things he does, please try to just be tolerant of him.

Ask him to get help, find NA meetings to visit (PM me and I'll find them for you based on your location), support him and realize the road to recovery is a bumpy one. Everyone relapses and everyone will break their promise to not use for a time or two or three. Be his rock that stops his fall when this happens so he doesn't tumble all the way back to the bottom of the recovery mountain! All is not lost and if you still love him, please help him!


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We have been together 2 years, and hes been clean off meth since we got together. Everything was gping good till about 4 months ago.he started turning into this stranger. Im so scared hes back on meth. If he.is I domt know how to.handle it. Hes not the same guy I married. Not at all. I do love him and want to help, but at what point do I say enough.is enough?

The stress he is causing me is litterally hurting me. I jave fibromyalgia and im not supposed to have unnessecary stress, and thats all hes been causing me lately is stress, anger, and anguish.

Sigh!

You guys have no idea how much it means to me that you guys are letting me talk and vent to yall. I dont really have many friends, its nice to get.to talk to someone.

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