Significant Other Losing Interest...

So when my boyfriend and I started dating, I already had 3 snakes, and was planning on purchasing more. He knew of my plans to breed and was all gung ho. Well now we have 15.

Recently he has been pulling on the brakes really hard. He gets upset when I pair my BPs, and gets really mad if I mention buying more snakes. He told me a few weeks ago he was going to buy me a visible morph when we go to the white plains show, but now he gets mad when he sees me perusing fauna.

He decided - without consulting me - that we HAD to sell a few of our snakes. I agreed, but was rather upset that he didn't even consult me before deciding on who we were getting rid of and why. He also doesn't want me breeding because I can't "prove" how many babies we will end up with. He doesn't want to end up with 30+ snakes at once - when he knows full well that was my goal in the first place.

It got worse a few days ago. I have an opportunity to "borrow" a local breeders Spider to breed with one or two of my normal females, and we would split the clutch(es) down the middle. Well Sam got MAD. He didn't want ANY of it. I'm getting really upset with his wishy washyness, and I would really like him to make up his mind.

I do 90% of the work for all the pets we have, not just the snakes. Though he insists on using coconut husk for his baby IJ's bedding, and I'm allergic to it - he does everything for her, and most everything for his dragon. But the rodents, fish, cats, amphibs and other snakes I do. I pay for around 80% of the food and bedding. I bought all the enclosures. I bought all the flexwatt, thermos, tubs...Everything almost. And yet I still get into huge fights over something that I thought was going to happen.

I feel like even though I take care of all of us, work almost full time, go to school full time and keep the world in my house sane, I have no control over my own hobby. I'm not sure if it will get better after we sell the 5 snakes we have decided to. Two of them are male normals, and probably aren't even worth posting online, because their shipping alone would be twice as much as their price to begin with. I don't know if I should feel bad for him for kinda bombarding him with this - though he has known about all this for a year, and we've been dating for 8 months..

I'm at a loss of what to do, cause if he is freaking over having 15 snakes, whats he going to do when we do get back down to 10 and have babies hatching? What then?

Anybody else had/have a remotely similar problem?

I can't say that I have been in the same situation, BUT, Chad and I have started this together, and this is definitely something we do TOGETHER that we enjoy TOGETHER.

Now, I am not saying give up what YOU want to do because your significant other doesn't approve or isn't so gung ho about it. But, you are in a relationship. Which means a partnership, with whatever you each decide to do. You want to breed snakes, awesome. He wants to do wadda wadda with whatever he wants to do with his life, great! You BOTH have to be on the same page. You give a little, you get a little. There might be somethings you have to let go of or give up for him to make him happy, and vise versa.

It honestly doesn't sound like you are too happy about getting rid of some of your snakes. So you honestly have to do some SERIOUS thinking. Is this something you truly, ultimately want to do with your life? Is it something you could live without ( or even another year or two ) for your S/O? ( that would be significant other, just incase you didn't understand ) and do some deep down talking with your man. I know if it ever got to the point where Chad was like, look this is too much work and I want to let go of everything or half of everything, I know I would have to see things from his point. And help him out from there, know what I mean?

God, sorry for the ramble!! I hope that I have helped, atleast some!!

In my own opinion if they are your investment you should be the one deciding if you want to let some go. I would not give up any of my animals just because my boyfriend didn't like them. And just because you have been in a relationship 8 months doesn't mean it will last forever... I've seen too many friends be with someone for long periods of time give up things they like just to make their s/o happy and end up breaking up. You should do what makes you happy and try and be happy with hobbies that make him happy (weather it's video games, cars, or whatever else guys like to do.)

All I can say is if my bf told me to not get any more snakes and to give up some of the ones I have already he'd be out of my life in a heartbeat...IMO it's not fair of him to tell you what to do with your animals and to get mad over something that he knows you've been wanting to do/accomplish. I think it's very selfish of him to do so. And if he can't back you on your breeding goals what else will he have a problem with down the road? What else will he not support you with?

Eight months isn't a long time to be with someone IMO, and there are red flags waving in the relationship already it seems from this issue between you two. I think I'd be taking a step back and really see where things are going with this guy and see if it's worth making yourself unhappy over (and you're obviously unhappy now!).

Just my .2 cents.

That sucks. If my girlfriend was trying to get me to get rid of my snakes she'd be the first one I'd get rid of:D. However we do not live together, they are at my own place, and I pay for and take care of all of them. I love my girlfriend but I also love my snakes, they are my hobby and keep me busy, she knows how much they mean to me and if she wanted me to get rid of them I really wouldnt think she had my best interest at heart. That is just me and my situation though. Hope you guys get everything worked out. Goodluck:confused:

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Originally Posted by lupe

in my own opinion if they are your investment you should be the one deciding if you want to let some go. I would not give up any of my animals just because my boyfriend didn't like them. And just because you have been in a relationship 8 months doesn't mean it will last forever... I've seen too many friends be with someone for long periods of time give up things they like just to make their s/o happy and end up breaking up. You should do what makes you happy and try and be happy with hobbies that make him happy (weather it's video games, cars, or whatever else guys like to do.)

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^^^xxxxx2222222

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Originally Posted by daybreaker

all i can say is if my bf told me to not get any more snakes and to give up some of the ones i have already he'd be out of my life in a heartbeat...imo it's not fair of him to tell you what to do with your animals and to get mad over something that he knows you've been wanting to do/accomplish. I think it's very selfish of him to do so. And if he can't back you on your breeding goals what else will he have a problem with down the road? What else will he not support you with?

Eight months isn't a long time to be with someone imo, and there are red flags waving in the relationship already it seems from this issue between you two. I think i'd be taking a step back and really see where things are going with this guy and see if it's worth making yourself unhappy over (and you're obviously unhappy now!).

Just my .2 cents.

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^^^^^xxxx22222

If you are serious about your investment in your hobby(not only monetarily) and your plans within it, and the boyfriend is not, it'll more than likely end up with one side or the other(or both) resenting each other. Daybreaker is right, 8 months isn't a long time at all and he could have just gone through a phase rather than a change. At the end of the day, you need to evaluate your situation and decide what is in your best interest...also have a hard look at who you think could be a stable part of your life for longer, the snakes or the boy. He came in knowing of your situation, and from what it sounds like, it's not exactly something you've built upon together. But if this is the guy you are going to marry, sounds like you'll have to learn to severely compromise. Lots to think over...

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Originally Posted by Daybreaker

All I can say is if my bf told me to not get any more snakes and to give up some of the ones I have already he'd be out of my life in a heartbeat...IMO it's not fair of him to tell you what to do with your animals and to get mad over something that he knows you've been wanting to do/accomplish. I think it's very selfish of him to do so. And if he can't back you on your breeding goals what else will he have a problem with down the road? What else will he not support you with?

Eight months isn't a long time to be with someone IMO, and there are red flags waving in the relationship already it seems from this issue between you two. I think I'd be taking a step back and really see where things are going with this guy and see if it's worth making yourself unhappy over (and you're obviously unhappy now!).

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I agree with this post 100% ! Of course just change around the 'bf' to 'Gf' =) haha

This sounds all too familiar. My husand of almost 15 years definitely resents my snake hobby. He didn't mind it in the beginning before I had very many of them, but after a few years and growing numbers, he grew to resent it. He doesn't hate the snakes, but just the fact that I have so many of them and must spend time taking care of them, as well as the time spent on my snake business, website, networking, etc. We do have a good marriage, and it's more important to me than the herp hobby, but I must admit that I constantly feel torn and between my animals and my family. I have the majority of my critter in racks now, so that they don't take up as much space as when I used to have a lot of them in glass display cages. I also try to do most of the feeding and cleaning when he isn't home. That has helped some. I am also constantly trying to reduce my collection to the most high end animals and sell off the mediocre morphs as I produce fancier stuff. I hate selling off animals that I love, but I feel that I have to in order to maintain harmony in my marriage and family. And I know that I have a lot of snakes. My husband wouldn't be concerned at all if I only had 15. It's just that I have close to 100 in my permanent collection with more fancy ones on the way..... and I know I need to put a few more up for sale soon. Sacrifices....... Good luck!

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Originally Posted by Daybreaker

All I can say is if my bf told me to not get any more snakes and to give up some of the ones I have already he'd be out of my life in a heartbeat...IMO it's not fair of him to tell you what to do with your animals and to get mad over something that he knows you've been wanting to do/accomplish. I think it's very selfish of him to do so. And if he can't back you on your breeding goals what else will he have a problem with down the road? What else will he not support you with?

Eight months isn't a long time to be with someone IMO, and there are red flags waving in the relationship already it seems from this issue between you two. I think I'd be taking a step back and really see where things are going with this guy and see if it's worth making yourself unhappy over (and you're obviously unhappy now!).

Just my .2 cents.

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x1000

When I got into this hobby, the "plan" was one normal female and a bumblebee male, and eventually a pied. Well, as you can see from my signature, plans changed! I have been with my bf 3.5 years, and he definitely thinks I drank the Koolaid somewhere along the line (thanks for the first sip, Deborah! :D ). However, he understands that they are my thing, that I have goals for them, and that he can just stay out of it if he doesn't want to participate. He helps financially from time to time (my Mojo was a Christmas present), but otherwise they are mine, which means my responsibility to care for, as well. You and your bf need to set clear boundaries and expectations so he doesn't feel put upon for "your" animals, or neglected because of them. Your relationship sounds way too new to have truly shared/joint pets anyway, and I say this with having a live-in s/o (only one BP is "ours", and he knows it stays with me if he leaves).

Oh, and by clear boundaries, I DON'T mean a number you are "permitted" to have, unless there is a timeline associated with it. For example, one new one per 6 months, etc., if it's based on financial or space concerns.

I agree with everyone. It's your hobby, its who you are, and he's trying to change that. Time to have a serious sit down conversation because I bet its not just the fact you want more snakes that's bothering him. Sounds like there's some underlying resentment going on over this or something else entirely. Maybe he wants more time together or he sees too much money being spent (which, at 8 months of "age" is really none of his business unless its his money you're spending).

Talk, talk, talk. If he's worth it, its important that you both sit down and communicate your needs and concerns. And I wish you luck :) just remember: snakes love unconditionally :P

Hubby and I have been married for 12 years, we got into the snakes together, so we are both in on it. After 12 years of marriage, if one of us was growing tired of it, we would have to talk and work something out. However, a bf of 8 months, I wouldn't think twice about chosing MY hobby over. Seems like there are lots of red flags for me. You gotta remember, the right person will support you unconditionally. If you can't talk to him and get him to support you, move along, somebody else will. Don't let somebody try to change who you are, and what you do and love. That would only lead to resentment and even bigger problems down the road. Good luck!

I feel it's difficult to say something that hasn't already been said that I agree with, but...

It's one thing to get into a relationship and pick up the hobby after you have been together a while, where maybe one party in the relationship was never aware that it might happen. Within reason, I still feel that person should support your goals/hobbies. It's another thing to have already had goals and plans with this hobby when the relationship started.

If Wendy started dating Tom, a police officer, who loves his job and loves helping people, and Wendy at 8 months decided 'I don't like your job, you look silly in a uniform, and your hours suck, and I demand that you become a pharmacist' I wouldn't see that being terribly fair either. Wendy got into the relationship knowing what came with the package, I don't think Wendy has a right to tell Tom to leave his job for another. She has a right to express she is worried about his safety, but not a right to make him drop it.

Probably not a perfect anaolgy, but I hope it makes sense. I'm very lucky to have a boyfriend who not only supports this hobby, but takes part in it with me. We started this together, make plans together, and split the effort and money invovled. Now, if you have 15snakes, and he's paying for anything for them at all, you may need to make it work so that you are the only one paying and caring for them. Don't expect any help from him for your hobby other than support. If that is already the case, and you don't get any support.. then just as others have said, you need to really sit back and take a look at your situation.

Since the snakes are such a big part of your life you should pick them over your bf. There are PLENTY of other guys who would be better suited for you imo.

He sounds like a control freak. It only gets worse. First its snakes then what???? Hope you can work it out but don't let this guy push you around. Life is to short for that kind of hog wash.

Whoo. Thanks for all the support guys.
After my rant, Sam and I sat down last night and had a pretty in depth and decent talk. He's apparently worried about my health (which has been slowly deteriorating since school started last September) and wants to take the easiest thing off of my plate right now - which he sees as the snakes.

We re-assessed why we were selling the 4 snakes, and even came up with another one. And just to outline - there are real reasons other than "us" that these guys are getting new homes.
IJ Male Breeder - Our IJ female is still a very small baby, and is his daughter to boot. And neither are BPs (obviously :P)
RTB - I'm not terribly into boa's, but we are keeping the other one, because he absolutely LOVES her. (I admit, I love her too)
Normal BP Male Breeder - I have 5 males and 5 females. I was going to have to move him out at some point anyways.
Normal BP Male Baby - He was a rescue, was supposed to be female, turned out to be male, so now he needs a new home.

And even came up with one more.

IJ Female Baby - She is Sams snake, and on his own decided he would rather have the RTB than the IJ baby.

His main concern is that I'm over-extending myself (if you look at my siggy, that's just the PETS, that isn't counting school and work too). I have decided - for the time being at least - to sell off the 5, and re-assess my stress situation. Probably by the time those 5 get new homes, I'll have graduated, got myself a "real life" job, and can do this as a hobby, without the stress of school looming over.

Another thing we assessed was that his mom (who truly is a wonderful woman) seems to think I am an animal hoarder, because as SOON as there is a snake that needs a home, I'm all over it. Well, I took offense to this, because I don't do it for my own satisfaction. I do it so these snakes can have a chance (if they are one of my rescues). My Pueblan - NuNu - is NEVER going ANYWHERE, because she has been through FAR too much. She deserves to sit back, and be a snake. This will be an issue that I will have to address the next time I see her, and try to explain it to her. Hopefully she can see why I do this, and understand it isn't about a hoarding tendency.

We were able to talk through it, and realize that he just wants me to put myself before everything else (which I admit, I haven't been doing.) So if I seem to disappear until mayish - I'm at work, or I'm doing homework, sleeping, or eating :P He has been great until now - and really it all just comes down to stress on both ends.

On another note - In response to the "if he were my s/o, he'd be out the door" style comments. It would actually be me leaving - anddddd I may have already talked to some friends and if need be, I'm going to move into their basement. It's one of those gorgeous finished basement things. So I do have a backup plan if I ever need to vamoose. My last relationship before this was a year of happy, a year of blerh, and 4 years of &($^*#%!!!!! He hated my snakes (it took me months to convince him just to let me have one, the other two were even more difficult), our relationship was more for the sake of consistency than it was for love. I spent too long in that relationship to either let this one go that way - or to stay in it till I'm so unhappy I just explode.

Thanks again everybody. Both for listening to me ramble, and for the responses. <3

Sounds like he was concerned for the right reasons, and the two of you came up with a plan that works for you both. I think that his mom will see the light when she sees your willingness to let the animals go that aren't as "necessary" right now. If she doesn't, then it isn't her life or relationship, is it? And even though it stinks sometimes to feel the need to have an "escape" route, it's always better than feeling you have to stay in a situation because there's nowhere else to go - it allows you to make decisions for the right reasons, not fear. Good luck finishing school (you'll be amazed what that will do for your stress levels), take care of yourself, and we'll look forward to hearing from you when you have time to post. :gj:

Xotik,

I'm an old man...I've seen a lot of life...I've made every relationship mistake you can think of and even invented a few of my own. I'd like to think I learned a few things along the journey.

Eight months may seem like a significant investment in a relationship, but try to keep things in perspective. Honestly eight months is a drop in time...Eight months is 2/3rds of a military deployment...Eight months isn't even a down payment on a long term relationship.

AND...he's already trying to change you because he's losing his passion for a hobby that you clearly want to have in your life for the long haul?

Never change who you are or what you want because of a Sig Other. Nothing good will ever come from it. Some people will tell you all about how relationships are a series of compromises...compromise is one thing, changing what you want to do in life is totally different.

You can not make someone else happy until you are happy with yourself. Sounds to me like you are not happy. Something to think about.

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Originally Posted by Annarose15

Sounds like he was concerned for the right reasons, and the two of you came up with a plan that works for you both. I think that his mom will see the light when she sees your willingness to let the animals go that aren't as "necessary" right now. If she doesn't, then it isn't her life or relationship, is it? And even though it stinks sometimes to feel the need to have an "escape" route, it's always better than feeling you have to stay in a situation because there's nowhere else to go - it allows you to make decisions for the right reasons, not fear. Good luck finishing school (you'll be amazed what that will do for your stress levels), take care of yourself, and we'll look forward to hearing from you when you have time to post. :gj:

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:) Thanks Anna. I'm hoping she will, I love her to pieces (I really couldn't have asked for a better potential mother in law). We shall see when we get there I suppose.

As for the stress, because of the talk, I think we already both feel MUCH better. Hopefully I can move on to eating better (or eating period) and actually getting a decent amount of sleep (i.e. more than 3 hours a night).

I think you need to sit down with him and both of you maturely and calmly discuss your concerns and feelings. Communication is important in relationships and it seems like he may be feeling or worrying about things that he's not voicing to you. I think that talking it out will help because for now you can only guess why he wants you to get rid of your animals. What are his concerns with breeding? and you can explain to him why you want to breed these animals.

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Originally Posted by babyknees

I think you need to sit down with him and both of you maturely and calmly discuss your concerns and feelings. Communication is important in relationships and it seems like he may be feeling or worrying about things that he's not voicing to you. I think that talking it out will help because for now you can only guess why he wants you to get rid of your animals. What are his concerns with breeding? and you can explain to him why you want to breed these animals.

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See my post in the middle of page 2.

I'm glad the reasons were the best, and not due to some need to control or manipulate--sounds like he's a good guy.

Guys don't always express themselves well. It may make him feel better to let him know that the snakes represent a leisure-time activity for you, that they help you relax and unwind, rather than being a source of anxiety or stress. (So long as that's true, of course). ;)

Does sam not get it? Does he not know the saying happy wife happy life? Look heres the deal. Women are thinkers, men are do-ers. We dont think. We just do what we do. Not saying its right or wrong but thats what we do. What sam needs to understand is that this makes you happy. My wife has always hated snakes. She hates every thing about them. She does not go near my snake rooms, has anxiety attacks if she goes to a show, absolutely friggin hates em. But she knows its been my passion my whole life so she deals with it. Kinda the same way i deal with her passions. If i got mad every day that she goes to the gym for 2 hrs every day or if i got mad every time she brought home a new coach purse or if i got mad with her dumb loud mouthed pair of bloodhounds id be divorced. But its about compromise. Sounds like sam needs a hobby. Do you support his passions? If the answer is yes then i would breed your snakes without lookin back.

Life's too short to stick around with someone who can't at least be tolerant of the things that bring you happiness.

Good luck and I hope it all works out. Yeah it sucks to end a relationship and move out and all that, but don't hesitate to get out of there fast if he continues to be completely unsupportive this early in the game. Basements are perfect for snake dens. ;)

I lucked out. My hubby isn't into them, but he knows how much joy I get out of these guys. I bring something new home, and he just says "oh, that's pretty". Never even asks what it cost. He's a keeper.

I think it comes down to him knowing at the beginning your passion and long term goals. I can see him wanting discussions about your future plans, but to me part of finding the balance is accepting your partner as they are. At least in your case you were already planning on breeding...with me, although I have had a lifelong interest in reptiles, I didn't take the plunge until after we had been dating a few months, so she has a LOT of say in what I get, and I respect that, even thought it has made me constantly rework my plans, and I complain a LOT (it has gotten me nowhere...). It sounds like he's going to have to make concessions (and possibly you, too) if he wants you to stick around.

If he is sooo concerned about your health, and understands your passions and goals, then a GOOD boyfriend would step up and try to alleviate the stress without causing MORE stress by asking you to rehome them. I hope the talk works, and he does step up and do things to make your life easier since the extra stress you are dealing with might very well be temporary. My hHubby doesnt like animals, for the most part, but loves me, and has for 27 years :)
*Fila*

I'm glad that you had a decent talk with him. The animal hoarding concerns from his mother also should be addressed before she decides to do something about your animals without consulting you (or just consulting Sam...).

It just sounds like he has a controlling tendency to me from how you describe it. I have an issue with anyone who pokes their nose into my business as far as my snakes go, let alone someone who thinks they can decide that snakes in the collection gotta go. Downsizing when you need to for legitimate reasons is a good idea and makes it easier for you resource-wise. But that should be a decision YOU make, not him.

Not much more I can say, I'd had left him when he started having issues with the number of snakes in the first place. But I also went through a relationship where I was unhappy to the point of exploding for years, so red flag behavior makes me immediately disregard the person. Keep doing your snake thing ;) We know you aren't hoarding or crazy, and I'm pretty sure you'll be able to decide how much is too much for you. Good luck hon, it's your business and not his