I have a ball python named Smake. He's my first bp, now 3 years old, coming up on 4 at the end of this month. He's been an incredibly difficult first bp. He has gone on long-lasting eating strikes several times, each one harder to break than the last. Now pushing 6 months, he still refuses to eat. I force feed him pinky rats, as that's the easiest for me to manage on a regular basis, roughly once weekly. He's at an okay weight, and has been to the vet a few times now to make sure he's okay. His conditions are close to perfect, and his vet thinks so too. He just doesn't want to eat.

A few nights ago, I had a traumatic nightmare. In the dream, I wanted to "store" Smake for some unknown reason. I started shoving him inside my mouth and down my throat. I bit clean through him, gained partial lucidity, and realized he couldn't recover from being bitten in half. So I chomped him down faster, thinking he could recombine himself if I was fast enough. Then I gained full lucidity, and was horrified to realize I had killed my snake by eating him. I snapped awake, teary, and found my boyfriend to help me calm down. A night or so later I also dreamt that I was carrying him around with me everywhere, loose, and I kept losing my grip on him because he kept wiggling away, so I'd clench down on him. I have never and would never handle my or any snake that roughly in real life.

After these dreams, thinking of Smake makes my stomach churn. I don't even feel comfortable handling or holding him. I now dread taking him out, and I've been putting off force feeding him this week because of how sick I feel about him. I really don't know what I should do. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and why he won't eat for me. I don't want to give up on him, and I'm terrified of hurting or killing him. I wish I could do more.

Please lend me your thoughts and advice. I truly need it right now.