Just a few interesting thoughts here. I know you are a snake with a new human so let me give you some insight here.
1) People tend to be dumb, panicky, and often irrational and impulsive when dealing with new experiences and things in their lives.
2) You have somehow inherited a sub species called Drunkardredneckoush. This subspecies is known for being on the low end of intelligence as far as humans go.
It appears that you have computer access in your new enclosure and that you are slightly more intelligent than your new owner. Here are a few suggestions. If you have time between feedings and trading out hides and exploring, I suggest looking up a few articles on proper feeding and husbandry and posting suggestions in cartoon form we call comics that are often present in newspapers. This will help with your humans lack of ability to read and will keep his attention long enough for him to get the ideal of what to do. I suggest leaving this in the bathroom so he can read during his bathroom breaks. You might have to do this repeatedly so he will have time to discover the meaning behind the cleaver pictures and not just use it to wipe his but. Something else that might help is switching his beer bottle with coffee. As he slowly comes out of his natural state of drunken stopper and begins to process information for the first time after age 5, he will begin seeing the relationship of the "comic book" instructions and might even implement them. Please understand it might take him a few times to actually get it right but be patient with him along the way. If he is receptive of the coffee then start including articles that include AA meetings and job postings. It is rare but sometimes you can see the Drunkardredneckoush evolve into a reasonably good snake owner. If you ever get sick also provide "comics" with instructions to take you to the veteran. Repeat for anything else you think he might need to know.
Please keep in mind his limited intelligence and be patient with him.
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