What do you do when you realize your spouse walks all over you, and you allow it.

[angllady2]

Now, I'm not usually one to complain. I tend to just deal with things. Not very well sometimes, but never-the-less. I love my husband, I really do. I can't imagine my life without him, and I don't want to.

So, why do I find myself ready to wring his neck or bash his head in so often anymore? How do you deal with that? I love you but I'd just like to beat your head into a wall for a while.

My husband came from a less than ideal home. His dad left suddenly when he was only 11, and his mom kind of made him the father figure to his two younger brothers. He had his share of ups and downs, and picked up some less than desirable habits from his parents.

Me, I came from the ideal home. So perfect it would have made Beaver Cleaver jealous. And I am not exaggerating.

We've been together for a long time, my husband and I. We celebrated our 20th anniversary this past June. I have always tried to be a good wife to him. I've goofed up of course, pretty dang badly once or twice to be honest with you. He's never cheated on me, I'm pretty positive about that. We've done a few things I'm not proud of, but I try to let the past be the past in these matters.

Lately though, I find myself loosing my temper at him more and more often. He's not really doing anything he hasn't done for the last decade of our marriage, but I find myself no longer willing to ignore or look past the things he does that I don't like. His spending habits for one thing. He works hard, I don't slight that. And the responsibility of keeping a house and family is not a small one. He makes good money, all thing considered. We will never be rich, but we could be in a much better place than we are financially. Now I will be the first to admit I sometimes buy things I don't need. And I do have a habit of spending more in the grocery store than I need to. But my little indulgences now and then pale in comparison to his more or less constant spending. He's invested hundreds and hundreds of dollars in R/C trucks, helicopters and planes and their accessories. Now I know he deserves a hobby. I have one, I decorate cakes. But really, I cannot see him owning four helicopters, two planes and a truck. You cannot fly more than one heli or plane at a time. And right now, his truck doesn't run, neither plane flies, and two of his four helicopters he doesn't mess with. You would think perhaps he'd consider selling some of these toys he doesn't use, but on the contrary he's always on the hunt for the newest, best thing to either add to what he has, or buy another helicopter altogether. Whatever it may be he decides he wants, he buys it without so much as asking me if we can afford it. I am responsible for paying the bills in our house, but time and time again his thoughtless spending has left me without enough to pay the bills. And we he finds out it is late or behind, I am the one who gets in trouble for not paying it. If I try to explain he didn't leave me enough to pay the bills, he wants to know why I didn't tell him there was no money. Now, if he never bothers to tell me when he buys something, how can I tell if we can afford it or not?

Last month, I decided to try his method. I paid all the bills the day he got paid. And then told him what was leftover to last for two weeks until his next payday. I went out and bought the necessities for the house. Things like toilet paper and laundry soap and groceries. I knew we were going to be cutting it very close until the next payday, what with needing money for gas and all, but I was sure if we were careful we'd be fine. Instead, we end up with $200 in overdraft fees because too much got spent on stuff that did not need to be bought. And even though only one of those purchases was mine, everything was still my fault. We had a pretty good fight over that, one of the first we've ever had. Since then we seem to fight over money constantly. He doesn't see his spending as anything wrong, and if there isn't enough money it must be something I did. I'm tired of being blamed for his poor decision making. And I find myself lashing out at him more and more about his wastefulness. And yes, having 4 heli's and two planes when you can only ever fly one at a time is wasteful.

Now, in addition to money woes we have a new reason to fight. Deer season.

I've never liked him leaving me alone pretty much every weekend from September to February, but over time I learned to live with it. But now I find I don't want to live with it anymore. He doesn't need to be out in the dang woods every weekend no matter what. Sure I understand he likes to hunt. Sure I understand it's nice to get away now and then. But he gets to go gallivanting around weekend after weekend after weekend, while I must stay at home like a good little wife. I spend most of my time alone. I have only one friend, and she's twice my age. I see her about once a week. But I have no friends to go out with, to talk with or just spend time with except here. I don't think it's fair for him to do what he wants when he wants and I am not allowed to go anywhere or do anything, not that I have anyone to go somewhere with beside him. So if I want to go to the movies on a saturday, it must be alone or with my kids, because it cannot interrupt his hunting. if I want to spend the day at my mother's, she's old and sick and needs help. Well then, just take the kids and go. Or drop them off at work and go, because he is going hunting. If I want to just spend a quiet sunday at home, sure thing honey, as soon as I get home from hunting. I'm SICK of it. But heaven forbid I suggest he not go, because then the offal really hits the fan.

Now as if these weren't bad enough, we've begun to fight over my mother. And this is going to prove to be the straw that broke the camel's back I assure you.

My mother is 78, she suffers from a number of illnesses. My older brother lives with her, but he's nearly as bad off as she is. A few months back, she was hospitalized and I really thought she was not going to come home. I was sure that her time had come. Somehow she pulled through and went back home. And I began making trips about every other day to help her and care for her and to give my brother a much needed break. She lives about an hour away, and gas for my minivan isn't cheap, but I do my best. Now my mom has always tried to help us. 18 months ago she paid off both of our cars, so we could begin to pay off some debts and maybe buy a house instead of this hole in the wall trailer we live in. But the $700 in car payments she saved us just kept disappearing as fast as his paychecks came in. It should be noted it was around that time he began buying helicopters, and he's been through at least 10 in the past 18 months.

A few weeks ago, mom asked me about that money she'd saved us. What were we doing with it. I had to admit there was no savings. Not one penny of that $700 had ever been put aside. She could not understand it, and suddenly I couldn't either. Why had I just allowed him to keep buying all these expensive toys even though I knew I should make him stop? Why didn't I put my foot down and start putting money aside like I knew I should have ? I didn't have an answer. When I brought it up to my husband, he blamed it all on me. How could we be expected to save any money when I was spending $600 a month in gas running to my moms? Now, I only started going to my mom's several times a week about 2 months ago. And I only ever spent that much in gas or close to it last month, because I was making 30 mile round trips daily for my daughter to run cross country like her dad had when he was in high school, and then making 3 trips a week to my mother's at around 70 miles round trip.
I did loose my temper then. How could he say I'd been spending all that $700 for the last 18 months when it wasn't true, or even in the same neighborhood as true? I almost demanded of him how much had he spent on his stupid, precious R/C crap in the last 18 months, but I knew if I did our argument was likely to end in an actual fisticuff.

So now here I am. Angry at him again when he's not even at home, he's in the woods scouting for next weekends managed hunt. I can't stop crying, and I don't know whether to scream or throw something or just change the locks on the doors and not let him back in. I hate him, I love him. He drives me insane when he's here, and I go crazy when he's gone. What on earth am I supposed to do with myself? With him? With our kids? How can you simultaneously want to spend forever with someone and never want to see them again ?

Gale

[Mike41793]

Have you tried sharing all of these feelings with him^? You need to explain all of this and how you feel, and he needs to understand the severity of the situation. Men arent as good at reading emotions. Also if hes not the one handling the money he may think youre over exagerrating things. If you dont talk to him then you cant expect him to just "know" all of this and how youre feeling.

[irishanaconda]

Even after reading this longer than average rant i still dont think i have 1% of the full picture. It sounds like at the moment things suck but in all actual reality its just life. I get the fact u dont like him gone during hunting season but it also sounds like u might need that time to cool off (maybe thats how u have made it 20 years lol). Im a man with a troubled past, from 18-25 i had slept with over 50 chicks just to try and figure out where the hell is that perfect house wife everyone has been talking about. As i am getting older i know i am realizing its more all about accepting the crap ur delt and just try and enjoy life and finding someone with things in common. If u dont like his rc helicopters (as much as im sure he prob doesnt enjoy your snakes and the money u have spent on those) but it makes him happy then just accept it or toss them in the trash. Im assuming by ur statements he has never cheated on you but you have on him? I dont think all the rc helicopters in the world would make me forget about that but u bet ur ass if i felt like i needed to buy 4534 rc cars to get that off my mind and u said somthing id prob build the biggest transformer RC car and run you over with it, maybe backing up then going forward about 50 times

[Mike41793]

Even after reading this longer than average rant i still dont think i have 1% of the full picture. It sounds like at the moment things suck but in all actual reality its just life. I get the fact u dont like him gone during hunting season but it also sounds like u might need that time to cool off (maybe thats how u have made it 20 years lol). Im a man with a troubled past, from 18-25 i had slept with over 50 chicks just to try and figure out where the hell is that perfect house wife everyone has been talking about. As i am getting older i know i am realizing its more all about accepting the crap ur delt and just try and enjoy life and finding someone with things in common. If u dont like his rc helicopters (as much as im sure he prob doesnt enjoy your snakes and the money u have spent on those) but it makes him happy then just accept it or toss them in the trash. Im assuming by ur statements he has never cheated on you but you have on him? I dont think all the rc helicopters in the world would make me forget about that but u bet ur ass if i felt like i needed to buy 4534 rc cars to get that off my mind and u said somthing id prob build the biggest transformer RC car and run you over with it, maybe backing up then going forward about 50 times

If her cheating on him really bothered him enough he would have left her. (If she did). Buying rc toys wont make that pain go away. If thats his problem then he needs to realize that.

[irishanaconda]

If her cheating on him really bothered him enough he would have left her. (If she did). Buying rc toys wont make that pain go away. If thats his problem then he needs to realize that.

True,
I was only assuming too. Everyone knows to make any relationship work it needs to be equal in giving and getting.
I said before i dont know the full picture. After being together for 24 years my parents split and do i think it was a good idea? Sure why not its their life and my mom wasnt happy. But there is still a part of me that will always think how can someone be together for 20 years then just leave? Call me old fashioned but i still dont think there is any good reasoning to do so. Then again im not in ur situation so i dont know crap.

[JaGv]

talking with him would be a good idea. also planning a little get away just for you and him could be good for both of you, it might just remind you both of why you guys are together.

how does he feel about you owning snakes? by the looks of it you have put in quite an investment in bps. maybe he spends money on r/c toys because he enjoys the hobby like, even thought he can't fly all of them at once im sure they each perform different so he buys more because they perform better than the rest.

[GummiBear]

Because none of us know the full situation, we have a very narrow view but it sounds like there are a lot of pent up(and not so pent up) anger that will be hard to get past if its not worked out. Perhaps some if the things that didn't bother you before are things you are choosing to be bothered by because you are already looking at him in a bad light (which i'm not judging as whether he deserves it or not).
we have had financial issues, we are both horrible savers but I do the finances, every once in awhile if there is an issue I will show him the forecast and where we sit so he can understand both of our faults and responsibilities for it. I'm sorry your feeling so much pain, I hope you can find away to find some peace.

Sent from my HTC Glacier using Tapatalk 2

[Tfpets]

No offense, but what is your age? Perhaps all of the things that are suddenly bugging you are your "change", (if you get my meaning) not his! My parents split after 30 years of marriage, my boss and his wife split after 40 years, another friends parents split after 20 years. All seem to have been associated with the woman reaching the 45-50 year mark! It seems to be getting all to common anymore!

[Mike41793]

No offense, but what is your age? Perhaps all of the things that are suddenly bugging you are your "change", (if you get my meaning) not his! My parents split after 30 years of marriage, my boss and his wife split after 40 years, another friends parents split after 20 years. All seem to have been associated with the woman reaching the 45-50 year mark! It seems to be getting all to common anymore!

Shes not that old yet lol. I dont thinks shes 40 yet.

[Tfpets]

LOL, just trying to rule things out! I shouldn't post things like that when I'm hungry!