How do you approach the topic?

[Vasiliki]

Back in September 2011, I finally got to get into my dream of owning reptiles. Started out nice and basic with a Crested gecko. Then got myself a Leopard gecko a few months afterwards, a Gargoyle the month after that, and then a Corn Snake arrived that I'd had on hold for most of this duration (waiting for better weather to ship, as it was winter).

I had put off getting reptiles most of my life, due to either family (where I was living) or my ex, who heavily disapproved of them. Thankfully, I am with a much more supportive boyfriend at this point. We recently moved in together and my reptiles currently reside in my office. So, three geckos and a corn snake. My other half even 'claimed' the one gecko, saying he was: "Just like a little dinosaur! This one is my gecko, you know."

I was very happy about this. I'd never really been supported before with my hobbies, and he is just wonderful about them.

But, there has been a slight snag recently that's leaving me asking... "What changed?"

There is one more snake I had on my 'dream' list of what to get. My last reptile, at least while we're in this small townhouse. A gorgeous male Pied. I was waiting on a local breeder, and she hatched out this lovely little thing. Called me up and I was just smitten with him.

However, when I mentioned possibly getting my 'last' reptile (I am at what I feel is my capacity for balancing time with the animals and time with life's other obligations), my other half suddenly turned very negative on the topic. "No more," I was told sternly.

Since then, he's seemed almost indifferent to the reptiles. He likes them when they're out, but if I casually bring them up in conversation (not often), he seems to 'tune out'. Whereas before he found them interesting.

Recently we were at a family thing, and one of his family members openly asked me: "So why on earth do you have reptiles? One or two, that makes sense. But you have a handful now. Why? What does it benefit you?"

It really irked me, as I don't share my hobby with people who don't enjoy it, and I don't remember talking to this family member about my reptiles much. In fact, Dan excitedly showed him pictures of the geckos in the past, where I stayed out of it.

I'm worried that these negative opinions and judgments are causing this change in attitude with him. He refuses to hold my snake now, whereas before he thought she was really cool. I'll take out 'his' gecko in the living room and he'll hold it for a minute or two before telling me I should "put it back."

I do respect him and his comfort zone, and asked him to make sure he isn't frightened or bothered by them. I haven't forced anything on him with this hobby either. They all stay in my room and I clean cages when I have free time, usually before he comes home from work, so I'm not neglecting 'our' time together.

But now I don't know what to do. I love that Pied and had a deposit put on the little snake, but with this recent reaction to the reptiles, I don't know how to bring up that I'm getting my 'dream' snake after 12+ years of wanting one.

Has anybody else had a significant other that has taken a dislike to the collection? Or dealt with anything similar to this? I naturally don't want to push the issue, but neither do I want to feel ashamed for having a hobby I enjoy.

[Don]

Sorry to read this. My wife loves our reptiles as much as I do and she even splits the chores with me. In fact, last cleaning she did by herself while I was at work. However, she did get on me several months ago when I put down a little over $2,500 on a spied. She told me no more until I sold some of our clutches.

Then unknown to her, I put a deposit down on a Blue Tongue Skink. I had a buyer call me and ask about what I knew about available reptiles and she heard me on the phone talking about the BTS clutch. Well, she put two plus two together and discovered I had a deposit down on one. I expected to be blasted. Instead, she is now pressuring me wanting to know when we go pick it up.

I think she loves the reptiles even more than I do. I'm not sure what to tell you. Either your significant other likes and enjoys what you do or doesn't. I think any relationship is give and take. There are somethings my wife is into that I am not, but do try to take an interest. So, it goes both ways.

[satomi325]

I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma.
I haven't experienced what you're experiencing yet in regards to my animals. My significant other is rather supportive of my reptile keeping and other pets. But I guess he expected it since I'm an Animal Biologist Pre-vet. And he is also aware that I put a strict limit cap on the number of animals I own. He knows I'm not going to go hoarder status or something... haha.



If your boyfriend doesn't enjoy your reptiles anymore, perhaps just let him be and have him interact with them on his own. If he wants to hold them, he would go get them himself. (It's his loss in the end)

And that comment by your boyfriend's family member bugs me. Why is it their business? Why do they care? It's your animals. You enjoy them. They make you happy. That's all that should matter.

Maybe come up w/ a compromise with your boyfriend. Tell him you have been waiting YEARS for this pied. This will be your last pet (for now ;D).

[Pampho85]

I somewhat understand how you feel, only up to a certain point. I don't own any animals, however, I want to, I'm going to be studying zoology (reptiles specifically) in college. That's when problems come up for me. My parents actually threatened to not visit me if I do own reptiles, my family is in the medical field and me leaving it isn't the big deal. But, going into something 'mediocre' and 'unprofitable' (in their words) is making them move away from me. (All my extended family, not just close). And my father is saying that I'll have to pay for my own college tuition because of that. So, it's my call if I want to be close with my family, or not. Although, I haven't really been as close as my other cousins are with the family since I've always harbored a great interest in animals. They hate when I bring up the 'zoology' or any topic regarding animals. It's like they're looking down on me for it, just because they're being doctors or something, but, who cares, it's your life, do what you want. I've gotten comments by family members saying 'So did you pick out a real major? Zoology isn't a real field, it's for people who can't progress in life' and 'You're not going to become successful, I hope you know that'. So yeah, I've heard some comments similar to yours up to a point, but, the best thing to do is just to brush it off and answer it truthfully. If you enjoy keeping reptiles say it, it's not like they can ban you from having them.

Sorry to hear of your problem, but, you shouldn't feel ashamed about your interests. Heck if anything, whenever a family member comments about my likes, I go back at them with their likes. It makes them feel just as uncomfortable most of the time like they try to make me feel.

Sorry I wasn't much of a help. Hope everything works out!

[Vasiliki]

I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma.
I haven't experienced what you're experiencing yet in regards to my animals. My significant other is rather supportive of my reptile keeping and other pets. But I guess he expected it since I'm an Animal Biologist Pre-vet. And he is also aware that I put a strict limit cap on the number of animals I own. He knows I'm not going to go hoarder status or something... haha.



If your boyfriend doesn't enjoy your reptiles anymore, perhaps just let him be and have him interact with them on his own. If he wants to hold them, he would go get them himself. (It's his loss in the end)

And that comment by your boyfriend's family member bugs me. Why is it their business? Why do they care? It's your animals. You enjoy them. They make you happy. That's all that should matter.

Maybe come up w/ a compromise with your boyfriend. Tell him you have been waiting YEARS for this pied. This will be your last pet (for now ;D).

That's why I'm so stumped. He has gone and picked them out before. He really enjoyed my little Leopard gecko. Took pictures of him. Even fed him his superworms a few times and was like: "Aww he munched it! Haha. Worm didn't have a chance."

I've backed off of the whole topic recently with him, just to make sure I'm not being overbearing. Any time I took out the reptiles, I'd just do it for my own amusement, definitely not just throwing them at him, haha. Another reason I keep them in my office, where he never really goes unless it's to see the critters (or steal my scotch tape and sharpie markers...)

Yeah the family thing really irked me too. They just recently had a baby, so I was very tempted to reply: "Why do you have a child? Doesn't it cost you money? You could use that money and time for traveling. So why on earth would you have a kid and give all that up?"

But, I took the higher road and stayed quiet. Just means I'm more cautious with what I share nowadays

TheReptileGuy:

That is... an insane story. My dilemma is a bit frustrating, but yours... That is much more powerful. I can't even imagine a family full on just dropping you from their lives because you don't follow the same ambitions. If we all had the same ambitions, the world would be a very disfunctional place. Not everyone enjoys being a doctor. Something that people think is 'low ranking' can have so much meaning to someone who truly enjoys it.

I'm so sorry to hear that that is happening to you. I can't really think of any other words to offer.

I really hope you stick with it, and hope that your family starts to realize that you're happier doing what you love than you would be doing something that you don't have passion for

[Otolith]

Much easier to apologize than ask for permission.

[satomi325]

I somewhat understand how you feel, only up to a certain point. I don't own any animals, however, I want to, I'm going to be studying zoology (reptiles specifically) in college. That's when problems come up for me. My parents actually threatened to not visit me if I do own reptiles, my family is in the medical field and me leaving it isn't the big deal. But, going into something 'mediocre' and 'unprofitable' (in their words) is making them move away from me. (All my extended family, not just close). And my father is saying that I'll have to pay for my own college tuition because of that. So, it's my call if I want to be close with my family, or not. Although, I haven't really been as close as my other cousins are with the family since I've always harbored a great interest in animals. They hate when I bring up the 'zoology' or any topic regarding animals. It's like they're looking down on me for it, just because they're being doctors or something, but, who cares, it's your life, do what you want. I've gotten comments by family members saying 'So did you pick out a real major? Zoology isn't a real field, it's for people who can't progress in life' and 'You're not going to become successful, I hope you know that'. So yeah, I've heard some comments similar to yours up to a point, but, the best thing to do is just to brush it off and answer it truthfully. If you enjoy keeping reptiles say it, it's not like they can ban you from having them.

Sorry to hear of your problem, but, you shouldn't feel ashamed about your interests. Heck if anything, whenever a family member comments about my likes, I go back at them with their likes. It makes them feel just as uncomfortable most of the time like they try to make me feel.

Sorry I wasn't much of a help. Hope everything works out!

I totally understand you.
I originally wanted to go into Zoology as a field researcher. But my school didn't have that option. We have Wildlife Biology or Animal Biology instead. The parents would not stop haggling me. I've heard countless "dead end job", "poor", "what are you going to do w/ that degree?" etc etc.

Personally, I think zoology is just as important as any other major. Most medical professionals were biologists as undergrads. Zoology majors still have to fulfill the same requirements as other biologists and take the same GEs/lower divisions as physics and chemistry majors. So it's not a lesser major than other science majors.

Have you considered veterinary medicine or veterinary research? You can do the things you like w/ animals, but still have the "doctor" title. Win-win for both parties.
Getting into vet school is more difficult than med school, so your family can't talk smack then. Even if you get accepted and not attend, that's still a huge achievement.

[Tfpets]

Much easier to apologize than ask for permission.

X2

Just get your pied! If he cares so little anyway, he may never notice! It sounds like your relationship is temporary anyway(or should be)! If he has his family thinking poorly of you for such an insignifficant detail, then things arent going well anyway!

[Dracoluna]

Honestly, from the sounds of things, one of two things is going on. My first bet would be that he was excited, shared photos and such with his family, and they got negative so he's backed away a bit. The fact his family knew about them and how many there were says he talked to them about it. He probably was excited enough to talk about the pets to family members which is normal. They, on the other hand, seem to have negative feelings about them which they probably shared in turn, with your boyfriend. One of my husband's friends did this when I brought home my first ball. I listened to almost an hour of snide comments about 'why would you want a snake?' and 'they are disgusting' before putting my foot down and calmly explaining that I didn't give him advice on his hobbies and that if he disliked mine so much, he knew where the door was. At the same time, it did affect my husband (they are like brothers) and he was a bit more negative about them for awhile.

The second possibility is that he saw it go from one pet to several in a short amount of time and is worried that before long, the house will be over run. If he's not a big pet or reptile person, this reaction is normal. They seem to think that 10 snakes is equivalent to 10 cats. We know that's not the case, but they just see numbers. My hubby did this when I expanded my corn collection and then brought home a ball. We had a discussion about it where he understands now that how many snakes I have is not his concern unless it affects him just like his hobbies/collections aren't mine unless they start affecting my life. It just took some perspective to rein in the 'fear of hoarding' reaction.

My advice would be to sit down and have an adult conversation with your boyfriend and ask what's been bothering him about the reptiles. Don't get defensive or negative but truly listen to what's caused this turn of events and then work on a solution together. Chances are, it's his family influencing his thoughts or possibly one of them even put the idea into his head that next thing he'll know is that you'll have 200 snakes instead of just the couple. Find out the problem and you'll be able to work out a solution much better.

[h00blah]

How do you approach this? Bring a snake to him, when he shows an unsatisfactory response, ask "what gives? You used to love these things". Be serious.

It's your life, your space, and your choice. As long as it doesn't affect him, do what you want. He doesn't need to see it if he doesnt want to. He doesn't need to take care of it..