Significant Other Losing Interest...

[Annarose15]

All I can say is if my bf told me to not get any more snakes and to give up some of the ones I have already he'd be out of my life in a heartbeat...IMO it's not fair of him to tell you what to do with your animals and to get mad over something that he knows you've been wanting to do/accomplish. I think it's very selfish of him to do so. And if he can't back you on your breeding goals what else will he have a problem with down the road? What else will he not support you with?

Eight months isn't a long time to be with someone IMO, and there are red flags waving in the relationship already it seems from this issue between you two. I think I'd be taking a step back and really see where things are going with this guy and see if it's worth making yourself unhappy over (and you're obviously unhappy now!).

Just my .2 cents.

x1000

When I got into this hobby, the "plan" was one normal female and a bumblebee male, and eventually a pied. Well, as you can see from my signature, plans changed! I have been with my bf 3.5 years, and he definitely thinks I drank the Koolaid somewhere along the line (thanks for the first sip, Deborah! ). However, he understands that they are my thing, that I have goals for them, and that he can just stay out of it if he doesn't want to participate. He helps financially from time to time (my Mojo was a Christmas present), but otherwise they are mine, which means my responsibility to care for, as well. You and your bf need to set clear boundaries and expectations so he doesn't feel put upon for "your" animals, or neglected because of them. Your relationship sounds way too new to have truly shared/joint pets anyway, and I say this with having a live-in s/o (only one BP is "ours", and he knows it stays with me if he leaves).

Oh, and by clear boundaries, I DON'T mean a number you are "permitted" to have, unless there is a timeline associated with it. For example, one new one per 6 months, etc., if it's based on financial or space concerns.

[moonlightgdess]

I agree with everyone. It's your hobby, its who you are, and he's trying to change that. Time to have a serious sit down conversation because I bet its not just the fact you want more snakes that's bothering him. Sounds like there's some underlying resentment going on over this or something else entirely. Maybe he wants more time together or he sees too much money being spent (which, at 8 months of "age" is really none of his business unless its his money you're spending).

Talk, talk, talk. If he's worth it, its important that you both sit down and communicate your needs and concerns. And I wish you luck just remember: snakes love unconditionally

[DooLittle]

Hubby and I have been married for 12 years, we got into the snakes together, so we are both in on it. After 12 years of marriage, if one of us was growing tired of it, we would have to talk and work something out. However, a bf of 8 months, I wouldn't think twice about chosing MY hobby over. Seems like there are lots of red flags for me. You gotta remember, the right person will support you unconditionally. If you can't talk to him and get him to support you, move along, somebody else will. Don't let somebody try to change who you are, and what you do and love. That would only lead to resentment and even bigger problems down the road. Good luck!

[Anatopism]

I feel it's difficult to say something that hasn't already been said that I agree with, but...

It's one thing to get into a relationship and pick up the hobby after you have been together a while, where maybe one party in the relationship was never aware that it might happen. Within reason, I still feel that person should support your goals/hobbies. It's another thing to have already had goals and plans with this hobby when the relationship started.

If Wendy started dating Tom, a police officer, who loves his job and loves helping people, and Wendy at 8 months decided 'I don't like your job, you look silly in a uniform, and your hours suck, and I demand that you become a pharmacist' I wouldn't see that being terribly fair either. Wendy got into the relationship knowing what came with the package, I don't think Wendy has a right to tell Tom to leave his job for another. She has a right to express she is worried about his safety, but not a right to make him drop it.

Probably not a perfect anaolgy, but I hope it makes sense. I'm very lucky to have a boyfriend who not only supports this hobby, but takes part in it with me. We started this together, make plans together, and split the effort and money invovled. Now, if you have 15snakes, and he's paying for anything for them at all, you may need to make it work so that you are the only one paying and caring for them. Don't expect any help from him for your hobby other than support. If that is already the case, and you don't get any support.. then just as others have said, you need to really sit back and take a look at your situation.

[Mike41793]

Since the snakes are such a big part of your life you should pick them over your bf. There are PLENTY of other guys who would be better suited for you imo.

[luvmyballs]

He sounds like a control freak. It only gets worse. First its snakes then what???? Hope you can work it out but don't let this guy push you around. Life is to short for that kind of hog wash.

[Xotik]

Whoo. Thanks for all the support guys.
After my rant, Sam and I sat down last night and had a pretty in depth and decent talk. He's apparently worried about my health (which has been slowly deteriorating since school started last September) and wants to take the easiest thing off of my plate right now - which he sees as the snakes.

We re-assessed why we were selling the 4 snakes, and even came up with another one. And just to outline - there are real reasons other than "us" that these guys are getting new homes.
IJ Male Breeder - Our IJ female is still a very small baby, and is his daughter to boot. And neither are BPs (obviously )
RTB - I'm not terribly into boa's, but we are keeping the other one, because he absolutely LOVES her. (I admit, I love her too)
Normal BP Male Breeder - I have 5 males and 5 females. I was going to have to move him out at some point anyways.
Normal BP Male Baby - He was a rescue, was supposed to be female, turned out to be male, so now he needs a new home.

And even came up with one more.

IJ Female Baby - She is Sams snake, and on his own decided he would rather have the RTB than the IJ baby.

His main concern is that I'm over-extending myself (if you look at my siggy, that's just the PETS, that isn't counting school and work too). I have decided - for the time being at least - to sell off the 5, and re-assess my stress situation. Probably by the time those 5 get new homes, I'll have graduated, got myself a "real life" job, and can do this as a hobby, without the stress of school looming over.

Another thing we assessed was that his mom (who truly is a wonderful woman) seems to think I am an animal hoarder, because as SOON as there is a snake that needs a home, I'm all over it. Well, I took offense to this, because I don't do it for my own satisfaction. I do it so these snakes can have a chance (if they are one of my rescues). My Pueblan - NuNu - is NEVER going ANYWHERE, because she has been through FAR too much. She deserves to sit back, and be a snake. This will be an issue that I will have to address the next time I see her, and try to explain it to her. Hopefully she can see why I do this, and understand it isn't about a hoarding tendency.

We were able to talk through it, and realize that he just wants me to put myself before everything else (which I admit, I haven't been doing.) So if I seem to disappear until mayish - I'm at work, or I'm doing homework, sleeping, or eating He has been great until now - and really it all just comes down to stress on both ends.

On another note - In response to the "if he were my s/o, he'd be out the door" style comments. It would actually be me leaving - anddddd I may have already talked to some friends and if need be, I'm going to move into their basement. It's one of those gorgeous finished basement things. So I do have a backup plan if I ever need to vamoose. My last relationship before this was a year of happy, a year of blerh, and 4 years of &($^*#%!!!!! He hated my snakes (it took me months to convince him just to let me have one, the other two were even more difficult), our relationship was more for the sake of consistency than it was for love. I spent too long in that relationship to either let this one go that way - or to stay in it till I'm so unhappy I just explode.

Thanks again everybody. Both for listening to me ramble, and for the responses. <3

[Annarose15]

Sounds like he was concerned for the right reasons, and the two of you came up with a plan that works for you both. I think that his mom will see the light when she sees your willingness to let the animals go that aren't as "necessary" right now. If she doesn't, then it isn't her life or relationship, is it? And even though it stinks sometimes to feel the need to have an "escape" route, it's always better than feeling you have to stay in a situation because there's nowhere else to go - it allows you to make decisions for the right reasons, not fear. Good luck finishing school (you'll be amazed what that will do for your stress levels), take care of yourself, and we'll look forward to hearing from you when you have time to post.

[Slim]

Xotik,

I'm an old man...I've seen a lot of life...I've made every relationship mistake you can think of and even invented a few of my own. I'd like to think I learned a few things along the journey.

Eight months may seem like a significant investment in a relationship, but try to keep things in perspective. Honestly eight months is a drop in time...Eight months is 2/3rds of a military deployment...Eight months isn't even a down payment on a long term relationship.

AND...he's already trying to change you because he's losing his passion for a hobby that you clearly want to have in your life for the long haul?

Never change who you are or what you want because of a Sig Other. Nothing good will ever come from it. Some people will tell you all about how relationships are a series of compromises...compromise is one thing, changing what you want to do in life is totally different.

You can not make someone else happy until you are happy with yourself. Sounds to me like you are not happy. Something to think about.

[Xotik]

Sounds like he was concerned for the right reasons, and the two of you came up with a plan that works for you both. I think that his mom will see the light when she sees your willingness to let the animals go that aren't as "necessary" right now. If she doesn't, then it isn't her life or relationship, is it? And even though it stinks sometimes to feel the need to have an "escape" route, it's always better than feeling you have to stay in a situation because there's nowhere else to go - it allows you to make decisions for the right reasons, not fear. Good luck finishing school (you'll be amazed what that will do for your stress levels), take care of yourself, and we'll look forward to hearing from you when you have time to post.

Thanks Anna. I'm hoping she will, I love her to pieces (I really couldn't have asked for a better potential mother in law). We shall see when we get there I suppose.

As for the stress, because of the talk, I think we already both feel MUCH better. Hopefully I can move on to eating better (or eating period) and actually getting a decent amount of sleep (i.e. more than 3 hours a night).