Quote Originally Posted by wilomn View Post
"No Son, the big chimp knows just what he's doing to the people watching," the father told his young son as they stood before the troop of chimps. It was a hot day and most of the primates behind the protective glass were napping in the shade or pawing through the pile of melon rinds hoping to find one with a bit of a tasty treat still attached.

"But Dad," the little boy said not taking his eyes off the chimp in front of him, "how come that one keeps touching himself....you know.... down there? What's he doing? Does it hurt him?" As a typical grade schooler the boy was very curious. As a typical grade schooler there was much he did not know.

The Father, proud of his son's curiosity but in any hurry to expose him to things he was too young to understand, found himself in a bit of a predicament. "Well Son," he said, brow furrowed deeply with the effort the coming explanation was going to take, "he's probably got an itch that needs scratching. It happens sometimes, even down there," the father told the boy hoping that his simple but essentially erroneous answer would put an end to a conversation he had hoped to have a few years down the road.

"But he's not scratching Dad," the boy said. "He's pulling on it. He's looking at us funny too. None of the other chimps look at us like that. I think he's hurting himself. Look, some other people think so too, they're looking away so they don't have to see him hurt himself. We should do something," the concerned child said to his father.

A veteran of many trips to the Monkey House at the zoo with his other children the father knew well what this chimp, affectionately called Master de Bator by both staff and zoo regulars, was doing. This chimp was no stranger to this type of scratching in front of a crowd. In fact, according to an overheard conversation, MdB seemed to enjoy being in front of a crowd, being relatively lethargic when no one was looking at him. He was known to throw feces, when he wasn't eating them himself, at the glass to get the attention of people who where looking at other primates. In fact, it was well known that the more he was ignored, the more attention he needed, the more poo flew. Master de Bator was not above smearing it all over himself if that's what it took to get people to watch his show.

"He'll be okay Kiddo, don't you worry about him. When your brothers and sisters were little I'd bring them here, just like I did you today, and he'd do the exact same thing. He never changes his routine and he never hurts himself. He's pretty gross with the poo flinging and eating and all, but some chimps just need attention really bad and will do anything to get it."

"But Dad, didn't you say that attention s'mores were more of a pain in the ass than they were worth?"

"Attention s'mores? Where'd you hear that?"

"You were talking to Mom about the new guy at work. I heard you in the living room when I was in the kitchen doing my homework. You said the attention s'mores at work were really a pain in the ass today? What's an attention s'more?

Once he had his laughter under control the father looked his son in the eye, picked him up and gave him a seriously large hug, and said, "Boy, you just made my day. An attention 's'more' as you so innocently put it, is someone, or in the case of our self flagellating friend here, that will do ANYTHING to get people to look at him. They need it or they just aren't happy. I figure they're not happy to begin with but that's a conversation for another day. Look at the other chimps. They groom each other, they eat, they drink, they visit with their friends and take care of their babies, just like we do. Sometimes though, there's something wrong with one of them. This guy is one of the ones that has something wrong with him."

"Is it the itch that's wrong? Maybe he could get a shot or something," the child innocently suggested, still watching the chimp scratch his itch.

"Well Kid, I would imagine if there was anything that could be done the staff here would already have done it. Sometimes there just isn't anything you can do but not look, ignore them. We should probably do that ourselves. He looks like he's really having a good time with himself and to be honest, it's nothing worth watching. It's not smart, it's not clever, it's not something any other chimp in the whole world couldn't do, and probably better, than this one, but this guys just likes the attention he gets from kids like you. I'd say he was a smart chimp but this is his ONLY trick and it's not really a trick at all."

"I can scratch just like that, wanna see?" the boy asked?

"Ummmm,'' his father said chuckling, "that's something you're not quite ready to try on your own yet, I hope. Why don't we leave this guy to himself, which he REALLY seems to enjoy, and go see the lions? It's almost feeding time."

"Yeah, cool. I really like lions. Wanna hear me roar like one? RAOWWWRRRR How was that Dad, did you think I was a lion?"

"Boy, I sure did. You had me fooled for a second there, unlike our scratching friend here. I think we're better off ignoring him anyway. He just seems to do it more when more people are watching him and I'm certainly not enjoying it. Come on Kid, let's go."
The funny thing is Willy. BG does not deny your claims for one second. He wants all the attention he can get. What you're too blind to see is that EVERYONE can see how much it bothers you that Big Gunns takes away the "attention" from you and your long winded posts.

Face the facts buddy. BG is just more entertaining than you....sorry bro.