Sometimes I hate him!

[Norsejeff]

I'm sorry, but he has made three choices in this situation that became HER problem. He went to work in a restaurant, starting using drugs again, and STOLE REPEATEDLY from her. Anyone who has worked in the restaurant industry knows that drugs, especially marijuana, are a part of many employees' lifestyles, so this was a stupid, irresponsible choice of job for him to get/keep. HE went out and starting using an illegal substance, which is not chemically addictive (unlike meth), but he CAN'T AFFORD. HE stole money TWICE that keeps a roof over their heads. Sure, put him in a program (again). But the only one that can change him is HIM, and she should not allow him to choose his "entertainment", addiction, or sheer selfishness over her ability to survive. There is a difference between support and enabling, and allowing "mistake" after devious, dishonest "mistake" is NOT HELPING ANYONE.

Who suggested enabling him? I'm just being the lone compassionate voice in this thread so the OP doesn't end her entire marriage because 30 people on some forum keep telling her her husband is willingly being a scum bag.

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[Annarose15]

Who suggested enabling him? I'm just being the lone compassionate voice in this thread so the OP doesn't end her entire marriage because 30 people on some forum keep telling her her husband is willingly being a scum bag.

Compassion is what had her venting instead of packing yesterday...until he did it a second time in less than 24 hours. I have been in a similar situation to the OP and we somehow worked it out. However, I never went without eating because I make enough for both of us to scrape by on when he made his bad decisions (which NEVER included stealing from me). In the end, I told him he needed to leave unless three specific changes were made. One happened immediately, the other within a few weeks, and the last is still a work-in-progress. Did I make the right decision? Many of my friends and family would say no; all I can do is wait and see if the good holds and he continues to stand by his commitments. A marriage shouldn't be held holy by only one person in it, and stealing from the person you swore to honor and love is a disgrace unworthy of the title "husband" (or wife). It might not be time to file papers yet, but it is absolutely time to find somewhere healthy to go.

[Kaorte]

Who suggested enabling him? I'm just being the lone compassionate voice in this thread so the OP doesn't end her entire marriage because 30 people on some forum keep telling her her husband is willingly being a scum bag.

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People have every right to be happy and live life for themselves. She shouldn't have to live her whole life for her addict and thief husband. They have only been married a short time.

Id like for the OP to find someone who truly cares about her instead of taking on someone else's burdens. She clearly doesn't need the stress because of her medical condition.

I understand where you are coming from but I honestly don't believe that smoking a little pot is the result of addiction. It is the result of not giving a crap about his wife and her wellbeing.

Why should she have to suffer through his addiction when she doesn't have to? Its her life to live and she shouldn't have to worry about her husband stealing the money that keeps a roof over their heads.

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[MrLang]

As an EX-ADDICT I oppose the whole 'once an addict always an addict' mentality that NA and other garbage groups that connect druggies to druggies preach. NA just reinforces the notion that he IS a drug addict and there's a very hopeless tone they bring by telling you that you're going to be focused on this crap for your whole life. I hardly ever think about dope and when I do I certainly don't want to get high. NA would not have lead me to this state of mind. The people who get clean and stay clean are the ones who realize they aren't addicts and cut ties and build a new life and are confused about who they once were when they look into the past. If this guy was clean when he met and married you and decided to start using again, he hasn't changed and isn't happy enough with you to be satisfied by the relationship. That said, there are some people who simply lack the motivation and willpower to get clean. They are doomed and you need to cut ties and let him deal with that on his own. I would have never gotten clean if I had a girlfriend to lean on. Similarly, if I had a girlfriend I would have NEVER started using to begin with. I got clean for my family and friends, not myself. I did scummy things for money. I will agree that you are not yourself when you're using and it's not a reason to write someone off as a bad person, just lost (about the only point Norsejeff made that I agree with). There's your ray of hope. Is it worth it to try to get him back? Look up a bit about addiction, relapse rates, and meth and decide if this is a game you're trying to play at this point in your life.

If he took 40 bucks for weed a few days ago and already took 40 bucks again from you during your sleep from your wallet, I can tell you with a huge amount of confidence that he's not spending that money on weed. I'm a pretty avid stoner and 40 bucks would get me high for quite a while if I was in a strap for cash. Nobody needs to smoke weed THAT bad to have this intense conversation with you and repeat the behavior a day later. THAT is the behavior of hard drug use and not marijuana use. I'm in the middle of moving to a new apartment to get a third room to keep reptiles in and I'm pretty strapped for cash. I'm not smoking this week and I probably won't be able to for the first month or 2 after I move. It's NO PROBLEM for me, not even a small amount stressful. Marijuana simply IS NOT ADDICTIVE, though plenty of people use it to 'replace' addictive drugs.

Lots of people use drugs to dull the panic and anxiety caused by life's maintenance and problems. For a casual marijuana user, this is no problem if your life is running smoothly. Someone whose life is in the condition his is in should make the responsible choice not to get high and sort their stuff out before resuming. His behavior in this situation is indicative of deeper behavioral problems. Even without weed and drugs, would he run from these problems in another way? Have you known him to exhibit responsible behavior before? You are not his mom. If he can't take care of himself I don't think taking care of him is helping him through whatever he's got going on.

[ChrisS]

Enough people have commented on your husband so I will just say this. Take care of yourself first, get food and shelter and other basic needs. Then after you are set to go you choose whether you want to help him through whatever he is going through. But you cannot help him if you can't help yourself.

[Ridinandreptiles]

if you are really hungry go behind a supermarket and get the food they throw out....a lot of it is 100% edible. That may not be prideful or the most tasty but it would fill a stomach. And if he spends 40 on pot then why not take the same amount and spend it on food? screw bills your health and wellness is more important

[Chkadii]

Porcelain, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. A few years ago, I was in a similar place. I was involved with a guy who was addicted to opiates. While we were living together, he took well over a grand from me. Our electricity was shut off. He sold our furniture. He screwed over (and lost) a lot of friends.
I remember when he confessed to relapsing the first time. It wasn't a surprise to me- I had put the pieces together in my head a while before that, but I was in denial. No one wants to accuse someone they love of being on drugs, or lying to them about it. Are you absolutely sure that its only marijuana he's been buying? My ex used to cover up money spent by explaining it away towards something I would "be less mad about". For example, he'd take $50 and use $30 on groceries, and never mention the unaccounted-for $20. By the time he reached out to his parents for help, he was personally over twenty-five THOUSAND dollars in debt. This was over the course of about a year, maybe two at most.
He went to rehab twice. A friend he made during his stay showed him how to inject heroin. He died about a week after leaving rehab for the second time.

You need to think about your future. Are you thinking of having children someday? What will you do if he relapses again? What will you do if he takes too much money, and it's your kids that won't be fed that time? Will you be able to handle everything on your own if he goes to in-patient? Or gets arrested?
Those are big, scary questions, and you don't have to answer them right now. You certainly don't have to explain your answers, or reasoning, to us. But at least prepare yourself for the worst case scenarios.

In the meantime, since he is currently dropping the ball, you have to take a deep breath and be the adult. Open an account for rent and utilities. Tell him that he needs to earn back the right to have his name on the account, but that you'd be happy to show him the account statements whenever he'd like to see them, to keep you honest (not that you'd steal) and so you're both on the same page about your financial situation.
Even if you're content at your current job, you should always be looking for new opportunities. Pick up something part-time to make ends meet. Retail is hiring right now for seasonal positions. In certain commission-based stores, bonuses may be available.

If you have friends who have snakes, or at least understand the lifestyle, see if you can't "pawn" one of yours. Make up a contract with a timeline to pay them back, and that until that date (or beforehand with your explicit permission) they are not to sell it. Offer to pay back the amount in full as well as maintenance costs for that time (food, electricity, etc.).

Addiction is a disease, and his chemical imbalance is not his fault. He does, however, need to be accountable for his actions. Likewise, his relapses are not your fault. You can't blame yourself for his screw-ups. But you should do everything you can to keep from enabling him. If it gets to be too much, you have to look out for you and yours, and walk away. At the end of the day, his sobriety is only contingent on himself. He's only thinking of himself when he chooses to start using drugs again, and no one will blame you for protecting yourself by leaving.

I hope you find this helpful. If you want to talk about it, don't hesitate to PM me. I certainly could've used a shoulder to lean on when I was in your shoes. I know my post sounds negative, but I truly do hope that you guys work things out.

[rabernet]

If you haven't eaten in 3 days, what are you feeding HIM? He probably needs the weed to be able to stomach the ketchup and crackers you are forcing him scavenge for by not cooking regular meals.

Wow! Talk about being an insensitive jerk! Maybe she could cook him regular meals if he wasn't being a self centered ass and spending the grocery money, so that he can get his wittle high.

Really?

[Norsejeff]

Wow! Talk about being an insensitive jerk! Maybe she could cook him regular meals if he wasn't being a self centered ass and spending the grocery money, so that he can get his wittle high.

Really?

If you would have read a bit further on, I apologized to her for being offensive and offered her some sound advice.

[mainbutter]

I read a few pages. Skipped a few pages.

My advice ignores the husband situation completely:

Find a way to reduce your bills. I realize we are all individuals with different life needs, but I've lived on $600 a month, and had food to eat every day, while driving 20 minutes each way to my job. When life comes down hard, you find ways to accommodate. $1200 a month would have been easy.

It's always worth shopping around for somewhere cheaper to live.

It's always worth taking a look at monthly costs and seeing if there's anything on that list you can do without or choose a cheaper option.

The best advice I can give that does take the husband issue into account:

Open your own bank account. Deposit all your income into it. Don't give him access to it.