Calling all Mothers

I'm considering having children. I'm going on 21 as of May and I find myself having the urge to have my first child. I had a talk with my mother about the costs of having a child and having a full time job and all that jazz. She says I'm not too young to have a child and I don't think I'm too young either but I am wanting input from mothers about the costs, pros, and cons of having a child. Are diapers really all that expensive? What are food costs like? Medical bills? I'm not really terrified of pregnancy and birth but the idea of birth is a little intimidating.

When I asked about having a full time job my mother replied "If you had a baby right now, your grandmother would quit her job, retire, and stay at home to take care of her great grandchild. That would be like heaven for her." So I'm not without a baby-sitter during the day.

And I know that having a baby does change everything. Its not all about "Can I afford to have a baby?" I will have to be mentally ready and everything like that. But I do want input from parents, not just mothers, about what its like to have your first child. The good the bad and the ugly. Share your opinions, suggestions, advice, and stories.

Well from a fathers point of view it is amazing and frustrating at the same time :D My wife and I had our first child (son) when we were in our beginning stages of our relationship, very beginning stages. She was 19 I was 20. At the time she was just working at a day care and I was bouncing around from job to job, we really didn't have much of a choice she didn't believe in abortion and I wasn't going to push the issue. Needless to say it's been 7 years we are married and have a 2 year old daughter as well. She is a stay at home mom (going to school a few days a week) and I work full time plus am starting my own company. It is ALOT of work, it never ends just when you think you are getting ahead something comes up and pushes you back. But you know what, as long as you have family that loves you and can help if the need arises you will be all set! Money can only do so much, it does help but your child will love you no matter the amount of toys you can buy him/her. As for the amount of money that you spend, it does add up especially in th early stages with diaper changes every 15 minutes and the cost of formula if you don't plan to breast feed. But it does get easier especially when they can eat real food and the poop switch goes from "super" to "slow" :D You know when your ready, you will feel that the time is right. Well enough of the mushy junk Good Luck to you, i'm sure you will make the right choice :gj:

Thanks for the input. I've wanted children for a while now and for the past year I've been having a super baby urge. I've been talking it over with my fiance and we are both getting kind of excited at the idea. We both have family that will help us out with whatever we need so no issues there. I've heard that diaper changes are terrible the first few months. I remember when my baby cousin lived with me and I had to change his diaper. I never knew that poop could smell that bad! and look that gross! Not to mention he peed on my wall!

Diaper changes are just ungodly in the early stages and very frequent. Also need protective eye/mouth ware for the little squirter's :D

My fiance and I were joking around about coming home to find me in a bio suit and holding the stinky baby with a set of tongs. I think I can handle diaper changes though.

That would be pretty funny. You kinda get "used" to it after a while. You can always throw a little dab of vasoline under your nose if it's really bad :D

Where to start LOL....

Babies are wonderful, the greatest of gifts and the deepest love you will ever know - they are also the greatest responsbility, the most work and worry and create the deepest changes in your life, yourself and your partner. I would never suggest a certain age anyone is ready to be a parent but I would say to assess things and decide if now is really the right time.

Practical things like do you have decent medical insurance? Even a straight forward, very non-technical type pregnancy and birth can run into the thousands if you don't have good coverage. Diapers are expensive and a newborn goes through about 10 a day. Formula is expensive (you can't always automatically depend on breastfeeding as an alternative).

It's very nice you have family support. That's not always the way with young parents. Do remember though it's your baby so there's a fine line of you two parenting or the grandmother's taking over. If you aren't both used to babies, you might want to try to offer someone you know with a new infant some free mother's help to see how much work goes into it.

I hope I'm not coming off as a downer here. I'm trying to be honest about parenting being a wonderous gift but also a huge responsibility and far more work than you'd believe until you're actually doing it. I grew up in a big family literally surrounded by babies. I played with them more than dolls when I was a kid LOL. Still when I had my own first baby at age 26, I was amazed at how little I really knew about the sheer work of parenting a newborn. It still amazes me for instance how much laundry an 8 lb human being can generate in a single day LOL.

Lastly, babies can bring a couple even closer together but they are a stress on a relationship and that really doesn't change as they grow up. It's always about a balance in being a parent, a loving partner, having a job outside the house, hobbies, friends and just finding time for you in that crazy mix of all you have to do in a typical day.

Basically it comes down to this, you have the luxury of deciding so take the time now to make the best decision as a couple as far as when you are ready to start your family. Everyone will have an opinion, but in the end it's you two that will know when it's right. :)

Oh and btw - I'll be 47 this coming August, I have four kids between ages 20 and 6 and I still get the "I want another baby" urge.

I just lock myself in the bathroom till it passes! :rofl:

Thankyou Joanna for your reply. About 7 years ago, I lived with my grandmother, aunt, and uncle. My aunt had her first son, Connor when they lived with us and Connor grew up during his first year in our house. While I do not claim to fully understand the responsibility (I don't think anyone fully knows until they actually have a child) I do know how much it changes everything. I wasn't even his mother and I was still caring for him. I had to deal with the crying, poop, pee, messes, and spit up just as much as anyone else in the house. And I look back on it now and I realize it wasn't as bad as I thought it was then.

We are not going to rush into this. We are going to do some research and make ourselves as prepared as we can and also talk to some doctors and I think I'm going to end up having long talks with my mother about her experiences.

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Originally Posted by Jay_Bunny

I'm considering having children. I'm going on 21 as of May and I find myself having the urge to have my first child. I had a talk with my mother about the costs of having a child and having a full time job and all that jazz. She says I'm not too young to have a child and I don't think I'm too young either but I am wanting input from mothers about the costs, pros, and cons of having a child. Are diapers really all that expensive? What are food costs like? Medical bills? I'm not really terrified of pregnancy and birth but the idea of birth is a little intimidating.

When I asked about having a full time job my mother replied "If you had a baby right now, your grandmother would quit her job, retire, and stay at home to take care of her great grandchild. That would be like heaven for her." So I'm not without a baby-sitter during the day.

And I know that having a baby does change everything. Its not all about "Can I afford to have a baby?" I will have to be mentally ready and everything like that. But I do want input from parents, not just mothers, about what its like to have your first child. The good the bad and the ugly. Share your opinions, suggestions, advice, and stories.

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21 is way too young.

Everyone I know that has had a child before the age of 25 says it was a bad idea. You're only 21, you have too long to live to be having a baby at age 21. I'm only 25, but I have many friends with children, and from what i've seen and know, it's probably not the best idea. Your life as you know it will be over.

I'm not saying you're life will be bad, but the one you know now will be done.

These are just my opinions though. If you decide to go with it then, I wish you the best.

This is from my wife!

1. Wait until you are married and enjoy a couple years of just being two! This will strengthen your bond with each other which will really help when you have a baby in the house.

2. If you have any plans to further your education wait till that is done at least as it is very difficult to write a paper at 2:00 AM when your baby is sick.

3. All the help in the world is great, but grandma may not be very happy with you dropping the baby off with her while you go to a concert or a hopping club.

4. My wife was 31 when we had our daughter. It has been great and the added finacial security you develop in this time can greatly reduce stress you may encounter at a younger age when you are counting pennies for diapers! Trust us they go through diapers like the Government goes through money.

Our general opinion is it would not hurt to wait until you are at least in your mid to late 20's as it gives you a chance to be you instead of being for the sake of a child, or so it seems. You just became an adult figure out what you want to do for the rest of your life. Being a mother or father is a noble thing when taken seriously, but it can easily take away your true identity! (i.e. my wife is known as my daughters mother in the circle of kids and the parents of the kids my daughter plays with! :rofl:)

I have two children, one I had at 20 she's now 16, one I had at 27, he's now 10 and now I'm looking at another pregnancy at 37. I wouldn't change a thing because I wouldn't have the beautiful daughter I have now, but I would have had more time to enjoy her had I waited till my mid 20s.

Only you can truly answer your questions as to if this is the right time for you.

having kids is a 24/7 job/responsibility. There are no holidays, weekends or days off. Your life will never be the same. When you are young it is all about you, part of being a kid/young is you can only think of yourself. Once you become a parent it aint about you or what you want anymore.

Being a parent is the most impotant responsibility you can ever have and probably the most rewarding as well as the least appreciated. Most kids dont appreciate what their parents do they expect it. That is part of being a kid, only seeing your world.

My 23 year old daughter came over yesterday so she could take a nap, her 8 month old and 4 year old dont really care that she is exhausted and got up for work at 4 am, her husband is working(and not all that helpful) and the only way she could rest is to bring them to me so she could sleep on my couch for a couple of hours. She is agreat mom and tries to do it all her own but 24/7 catches up to the best of them.

I'm not trying to talk you out of anything just telling you like it is. I dont know if you live on your own yet but you might want to get 3-4 years of that under your belt to see how expensive life can be and then realize how much more it costs to take care of a baby, everything from, diapers, formula, medicine, medical insurance, car seats, cribs, clothes, shoes (that last a month if you are lucky), toys, not to mention lack of sleep, and that is for a healthy baby. I am a grandfather now and I have way more free time than my 23 year old daughter. Try babysitting for a whole weekend(nonstop) and you may just get a glimpse of what is in store.

I am not a mother, but I am going to talk about the other side of the coin, as Shondra (David's wife- Gloryhound) had mentioned.

Do you have any more plans to get more education?

If you do, I would say wait. A child is a huge responsibility, and should be priority number ONE, which makes learning and educating very difficult to manage.

Do you have a stable job, home, car, etc??

Can you afford yourself right now? Cause if you can't, you shouldn't have a baby. It will make things 100% harder.

Can you see yourself not travelling, doing important things, or cutting back on things?

If you don't want to NOT travel the world, take vacations when you want, go out at 12AM to party, I would say go for having a kid. It changes EVERYTHING you do and your "freedom".


I am young, older than you, but young. I have no kids, but there is a reason why. I have a steady significant other, and we have plans to marry. BUT our careers, education, and lifestyle have to be SOLID before either of us think into having children (therefore, LATER). I don't want to have a child now and have it suffer because we had it too early. I'd rather be financially and emotionally ready for that commitment, cause you can't take it back once its done.

It is an absolute blessing, and I am looking forward to it 100%. BUT!!! When I get the urge, I just go and borrow a baby from a friend... Maybe that will help you?

First and foremost, I do not believe I am too young to have children. I believe maturity has far more weight than how many years I've been on this planet.

Also, I wouldn't dump the baby on my grandmother to go clubbing. I do not party. I do not drink. I rarely leave the house unless for work or running errands. My fiance and I always make time to spend with each other.

I'm not saying I'm not listening to your advice. I understand what you are saying. I need a chance to be me. I know that when I baby comes along things change, and sometimes its not all giggles and fun times.

As for education, I do intend on furthering my education but I'll have to do it slowly and more than likely on the internet. And I want you all to know that I do not have any intention of having a baby NOW. Perhaps in the next 2 years or so, so I'm not jumping into this right now. I'm going to take my time and get everything straight and in place before we even take that plunge into parenthood.

And as for marriage. This is kind of a awkward subject for some but for the sake of the discussion I will say this. My fiance is biologically a woman and therefore, we cannot get married. Maybe not for a few more years. We have been together for almost 4.5 years and live together in a two bedroom townhouse. We basically consider ourselves married, except we don't have the legal papers saying we are.

I hope you are not misconstruing our advice as attacks...

It is meant simply as things to think about.

I really hope that you do get what you want out of life, including children and a marriage to the one you love.

Everyone deserves that.

BUT! It seems as if from your initial request for info, that you were intending to jump in.

And I absolutely applaude you for your relationship. I know how hard it is (not personally, but thru very close friends).

Good luck, Jay :) You have the forums support in whatever you do.

Job:
As for a job, I have been in the same job for almost 2 years. It doesn't pay all that well, but I make enough to pay for everything I need to pay for and also set some aside for hobbies and savings.

Education:
I have stopped taking classes at college for the time being but plan to start taking classes online in the Fall.

Travel:
I rarely travel. I used to go places all the time but I don't have the urge to travel as much anymore. My fiance and I don't go on vacation that often (our last trip was in October and we went to New York for the weekend.) I can live without vacation since I'm not used to it anyway. I am content to be at home.

Partying:
This is something I do not do. My fiance likes to go out to clubs on a very rare occasion but that's all. As for alcohol, we hardly drink. The occasional glass of wine is good for me. And I don't smoke. I'm not into going out at night and partying the night away. Its just not me. I'm that kind of person that likes to stay at home and care for my animals.

^ Just a few tid-bits I thought I'd throw in. As for taking care of a baby for a weekend, the only person we know that has a baby is a long drive away and her baby is almost 2. (She had a baby at 18)

I didn't take them as attacks. I just wanted to let everyone know I'm not that kind of young person. I'm not the rebellious post-teen that most 20-something year old are. I'm more of your stay at home and read a good book and care for snakes kind of gal. :D And I thank you all for your advice, suggestions, and support. I would like to hear from more people though if they want to post. I always love hearing from all points on the spectrum.

Only you will know when you're ready for kids, but having said that no one is ever ready for everything a child brings. My biggest question for you is.... are you ready to put YOUR life on hold.... because your life will become solely focused on that new life. It's exhausting and dirty, but truly one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

Financially, no one is ever ready for kids but you should be sure that you are not caring any debt, finish school, and take any trips that you just HAVE to take.

It sounds like you are really looking into this very maturely, and you'll be a wonderful parent when the time comes. :gj:

I hate to say it as I don't find it fair at all, but you need to look into the legal aspect of your relationship and bringing a child into it. There have been many cases in recent years were two women bring a child into their relationship, born maternally to one. The law says the blood(maternal) mom is the only legal parent and the other woman has no legal right because your relationship is not recognized. The law would be the same if the child was adopted as well in most state.


I wish you all the luck and happiness this world has to offer, you both have a long haul ahead of you with todays society, still living in the dark ages.

Being another 22 year old woman, I can honestly say that everyone I know from my highschool that had a child in the last year is not going to school, and working part time, and feel like they missed out on their good years.

I feel for them, they say having a child is awesome, but 100% of the time they say that they wish they had: "protection, waited, alternative" because they are missing living the most definitive years of their life. Their 20's! Finishing school, exploring the world, doing all of those fun things that people in their twenties do!

I do not want children so it is different for me. I want to do something with my life that does not involve children or marriage, so I cannot speak on the same wavelength. If you would like a child, I suggest waiting until both of you have a good steady full-time job. Money will be tight, but children are worth it.

My fiance and I have discussed the subject of us not being legally married and only I will have legal right over any children we have. We will have a hard time with it but it is something we will have to deal with when it comes. I'm not going to put my life on hold for the GOVERNMENT to make up its mind. If it was legal for us to be married, we would have been married last year.

As for legal rights over the children, is there anyway I can "give" legal rights to my fiance? We have already decided that when we have children, if for any reason, we decide to seperate, that my fiance will still have visitation rights. The law may not understand, but I do.

By the time I'm actually starting to look into getting pregnant, I won't have any debt. The only debt I have is a credit card which I can actually pay off as of my 21st b-day. :D Other than that, I have no debt. The car is paid off, rent is paid on time every month, no problem, and I don't have any school debt since all my classes have been at a community college where you pay before you take the class. So as of May, I will be debt free. :)

(Oh and I didn't answer this before. Yes, I am willing to put my life on hold because as I see it, I don't have any big plans for my life right now. I know what I want to be in life and I will work for that. I know a child will slow that down or even stop it for a time but ultimately, I can still be want I want to be in life if I have a child. I just can't be it right here, right now, and I'm ok with that.)

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Originally Posted by Jay_Bunny

Job:
As for a job, I have been in the same job for almost 2 years. It doesn't pay all that well, but I make enough to pay for everything I need to pay for and also set some aside for hobbies and savings.

Education:
I have stopped taking classes at college for the time being but plan to start taking classes online in the Fall.

Travel:
I rarely travel. I used to go places all the time but I don't have the urge to travel as much anymore. My fiance and I don't go on vacation that often (our last trip was in October and we went to New York for the weekend.) I can live without vacation since I'm not used to it anyway. I am content to be at home.

Partying:
This is something I do not do. My fiance likes to go out to clubs on a very rare occasion but that's all. As for alcohol, we hardly drink. The occasional glass of wine is good for me. And I don't smoke. I'm not into going out at night and partying the night away. Its just not me. I'm that kind of person that likes to stay at home and care for my animals.

^ Just a few tid-bits I thought I'd throw in. As for taking care of a baby for a weekend, the only person we know that has a baby is a long drive away and her baby is almost 2. (She had a baby at 18)

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You can live without a vacation, because you don't need a vacation. When you have a kid, you will beg for a vacation. I don't have any children, but like I said, I have many friends with children.

Unless you don't have any friends, anything else you care about. 21 is too young. You keep saying you're not to young, just wondering what the problem is then? I mean, you already know you're not too young, you say you have the money and time to do it. I'm not real sure what the question is here.

When you're 20 asking whether or not you should have a child, id' say 80% of the level headed people you ask are going to say you are two young.

2 years at a job is hardly a career, it's just a job. I'm not going off here, I just hate seeing young parents struggling because they thought they could do it.

Here's a thought, something I will certainly do before I decide. Go look at baby food, clothes diapers and what-not at the store. Add up how much that will cost per day, then add up how much "extra" money you have for hobbies and what-not.

Why did you make Government in all caps? Is there a reason you can't get married, you don't mind telling us?

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Originally Posted by Skoalbasher

Why did you make Government in all caps? Is there a reason you can't get married, you don't mind telling us?

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She mentioned that in a previous post about her Fiance...

Uh yea, I can't get married because I'm in a same-sex relationship. Even if I had the ceremony and we exchanged rings, said our I-Do's the government still would not recognize my fiance as my partner and my fiance would not have legal rights over our children.

And I was not asking whether I SHOULD have children. I was asking for advice, suggestions, and experiences. I like hearing what others have to say and in this instance, parents. I would like to know what parents have to say about having their first child. What was it like? Whether I have a child or not is purely my decision and no one on here can sway me one way or the other. I'm not saying I'm going out today to get pregnant, but I am starting the researching process and this is one of my ways of getting a few things answered. I believe myself to be a mature individual and I'm not about to go out and do something stupid. I want to have as much information at my disposal as possible and get some opinions, suggestions, and advice along the way.

I appreciate your reply, but I would like to be considered a mature adult before someone gives me their advice.

I have read all the advice that has been given and it ALL makes sense. I have reoccuring dreams about having a baby, and I have had them for over 2 years. But there is no way I will be having one now, or for quite a while. I am still in college, not financially stable, and have only been with my boyfriend for a year. So a baby is out of the question and we are very careful about keeping it that way for now.

I wish you the best of luck with this very sensitive situation you have and no matter what happens, I wish you and your fiance happiness and prosperity! I understand the urge and it is a very complicated feeling to evaluate.

I tried to edit a bunch of spelling/grammar mistakes, but they already happened. Sorry.

I must have skipped over that (fiance) somehow.. Hmm, sorry about that. Thought I had read the entire thread.

Oh, you could come to Canada and get married;) Will your marriage be honered in the US if you do that?

Hi Jay_Bunny!

I'm a father to a BEAUTIFUL baby girl, who is going to be 4 on Friday. I was 26 when she was born & my wife was 28.

We were engaged at the time, bought our first house, and within a month of being there we found out that we were expecting our little Princess!

We were getting married in the October, so within 7 months we had a baby & Wed....Hhhmmmm, pretty stressful! :D

The month before our Wedding our daughter contracted Meningitis & we very nearly lost her...Words cannot describe the pain we went through, but I'm pleased to say that within 4 months she was given a full & clean bill of health!

Unfortunately, my wife & I are currently seperated & I'm missing them both like crazy! :(

I think the problem is, we never had the chance to seal our relationship properly, within 2 years (although we've known eachother for a lot longer), we got together, bought a house, had a baby & got married........We didn't give ourselves a chance to appreciate & enjoy eachother for what we are for long enough before becoming "Mum & Dad".

I wouldn't change it for the world as we've been blessed with our daughter who is the most precious thing in our lives, but a little longer in our "Honeymoon" period would of been nice!

As for the cost....How long is a piece of string????

It does mount up......FAST!!!

Forget the nappies (sorry, diapers :oops:), formula, clothes, medication, childcare etc....You also have the added expense & worry of getting your home & transportation ready & childproof.

You sound to me like you are very level-headed and the fact that you even started this thread shows how much and how seriously you are thinking about this......And only you and your fiancee will know when the time is right!

It's a long hard struggle...Financially, mentally, physically & can put strain on relationships.......BUT THE END RESULT IS WORTH IT ALL!!!!!

Good luck Jay...You'll be fine!!!!

Steve. ;) x

I'm not sure. Canada doesn't sound to bad anyway. We've actually been considering moving there since it would be easier on us legally. Would it be hard to move up there from the US? I know that moving to Europe would be hard but what kind of things would we have to do to move to Canada. What kind of legal stuff would we have to go through?

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Originally Posted by Jay_Bunny

Uh yea, I can't get married because I'm in a same-sex relationship. Even if I had the ceremony and we exchanged rings, said our I-Do's the government still would not recognize my fiance as my partner and my fiance would not have legal rights over our children.

And I was not asking whether I SHOULD have children. I was asking for advice, suggestions, and experiences. I like hearing what others have to say and in this instance, parents. I would like to know what parents have to say about having their first child. What was it like? Whether I have a child or not is purely my decision and no one on here can sway me one way or the other. I'm not saying I'm going out today to get pregnant, but I am starting the researching process and this is one of my ways of getting a few things answered. I believe myself to be a mature individual and I'm not about to go out and do something stupid. I want to have as much information at my disposal as possible and get some opinions, suggestions, and advice along the way.

I appreciate your reply, but I would like to be considered a mature adult before someone gives me their advice.

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I understand now, and I'll get out, thought it was more of a "Should I, or Should I not" thread. Heinsight (spelling) is sometimes better IMO than someone going through it. That may not make any sense, but I continue to see people I know and love fall off the face of the earth because they have a newborn at home. I'm happy for them, and I want a child too, but EVERYTHING should be in order.

As far as the same sex marriage thing, while it is illegal, and to me it doesn't matter either way, there are still legal ways to get rights to a child without being married. I'm pretty sure everyone that would possible get the child has to sign off on it, but you can make a contract for just about anything now. As long as all parties agree and all affected parties agree, I don't see where the problem would be.

Thanks Steve.

My fiance and I are very commited to each other and we've been together for 4.5 years. We've basically been living as a married couple for some time now, even before getting our townhouse. So its not like we are rushing things. We've known we wanted children together for a long time and we are just now starting to consider it as a near possibility. As for a child-proof home, I know how that is. :D When my little cousin came along there were a lot of changes to be made with the house itself and how we did things. (we had to be extra careful with what we left out and what was in or out of baby's reach.)

My pleasure hun!

All that's left to say is...Stay safe, Happy & in Love......What more of a family life could a baby ever want or need!

Love & Good luck to you both!!!

X

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Originally Posted by Skoalbasher

I understand now, and I'll get out, thought it was more of a "Should I, or Should I not" thread. Heinsight (spelling) is sometimes better IMO than someone going through it. That may not make any sense, but I continue to see people I know and love fall off the face of the earth because they have a newborn at home. I'm happy for them, and I want a child too, but EVERYTHING should be in order.

As far as the same sex marriage thing, while it is illegal, and to me it doesn't matter either way, there are still legal ways to get rights to a child without being married. I'm pretty sure everyone that would possible get the child has to sign off on it, but you can make a contract for just about anything now. As long as all parties agree and all affected parties agree, I don't see where the problem would be.

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As for "Should I, or Should I Not." That is up to me. :). I don't let anyone whether it be someone online, a friend, or even a family member decide anything for me. I'll take all the advice I can get but whether I act on that advice is up to me. And I appreciate everyone's input on this subject.

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Originally Posted by Jay_Bunny

As for "Should I, or Should I Not." That is up to me. :). I don't let anyone whether it be someone online, a friend, or even a family member decide anything for me. I'll take all the advice I can get but whether I act on that advice is up to me. And I appreciate everyone's input on this subject.

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I appologize if I came off as an ass in this thread. I just hate seeing people make decisions like this when they're really young. But after reading, it sounds like you have your head on your shoulders, just me, myself couldn't imagine having kids right now, even though I make more money than I need.

Maybe your thread made me thing of where my life is, and i'm within the "5 year stretch" of when I'm going to have a kid, and it's scary. :) :rolleye2:

My mother had me when she was 25 and my grandmother had my mother when she was 20. My mother said she would have had me sooner if it had not been for infertility issues, so I come from a line of young mothers. Hahaha. :rofl:

But in all seriousness, I really appreciate your concern. I know some young mothers who got pregnant in highschool (I even knew an expectant mother when I was in middle school. She was 16). So I know that having a baby when your young is very challenging and can basically ruin your entire concept of what you wanted your life to be.

Here's another view from a non-mother perspective... I am a 22 year old female and right now would never dream of having a child. I also never get the urge to have one. I don't make a whole lot of money, like you I make enough to pay the bills and have a little for savings and hobbies. If I had a child not only would I have to sell off most of my snakes, but my child would turn into my hobby and I'm pretty sure that would be all I could afford. Your child will be your life and you should be very sure you are ready for that sacrifice. A child is like anything else... the more you put in, the more you get out in the end, and those early years are very important to your child's development and the relationship you build with him/her. One other thing I am curious about, and I hope I am not crossing the line by asking this, but if you are in a same sex relationship, how are you going to go about having a baby? Adoption, a clinic, a friend?

We would use a donor and I would carry the baby. We have thought of adoption, but I think that would be even harder to do since we are not a legally married couple. I do want to adopt though, but not as my first child.

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Originally Posted by Jay_Bunny

We would use a donor and I would carry the baby. We have thought of adoption, but I think that would be even harder to do since we are not a legally married couple. I do want to adopt though, but not as my first child.

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I'm not sure, but if it's hard to get it as an adoption, wouldn't it be just as hard to get a doner? I don't know, just wondering.

I don't think anyone can really stop someone from having a biological child through a donor. I'm pretty sure the only real requirements are all health related.

Does this involve going to a medical facility? If so, I suppose you have already found out what the cost of that is (I have no idea) and that you will be able to afford that as well. At any rate, best of luck to you and your fiance, I know you will make the right choice for you when the time does come.

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Originally Posted by Skoalbasher

I'm not sure, but if it's hard to get it as an adoption, wouldn't it be just as hard to get a doner? I don't know, just wondering.

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Not really. I worked briefly at a donation clinic, and there are some out there that work specifically for familys like Jay's.

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Originally Posted by LadyOhh

Not really. I worked briefly at a donation clinic, and there are some out there that work specifically for familys like Jay's.

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Oh, ok. Well, i'm going to adopt two babies this summer. :-D

I'll have the funnylooking kids growing in my closet.

We have done some initial research to see if there are any facilities in our area. We do know that it is a large chunk of money and we will make sure we are prepared for that as well.

Jay, the fact is being in a same sex relationship you do have to plan more for a baby (rather than an "oopsy forgot to take my pill" baby) just due to the biology of it. That in itself starts good conversations, allows for time to plan, etc for big decisions like a baby - that time never hurts. :) I'm glad you and your partner have this time to decide if it's the right time.

I don't think automatically 21 is too young, no more than I appreciate people referring to my youngest as my grandson (drives me nuts!) or thinking I was too old at 40 to have him. Age is only relevant when it speaks to your ability to handle the challenges of parenting. For me, being an older mom, I know I don't have the energy I had for Michael's much older siblings. Everything about being a parent is a trade off, a concession to reality, a struggle and in the end, a joy. The craziest part about being somebody's mom or dad is you really don't know if you did it right until they are raised up and well, it's a bit late then isn't it LOL.

You've had a lot of challenges spelled out to you in this thread. They and I are being very honest with you about the realities of kids. I hope you realize it's only out of concern that we've shared these thoughts. 21 or 40, being a mother is an amazing experience I'm glad I have. I cannot with any words I type explain the feelings when your newborn is first placed in your arms - there's not another feeling in the world even close to it.

Take your time, hon, you and your fiancee have all the time in the world to decide and my very best wishes to both of you.

Okay sweetie, here's my reality:
I was a single mom for a long time! I moved my kids out of Virginia because of the intolerance (this was 25 years ago). I mean, cross-burnings, neo-nazi stuff, racial intolerance- yuck. I left town with 2 kids and my dog and drove until my truck broke down in remote Northern California and there I stayed for the next 10 years. :oops:

Did I have money to raise kids? Heck no!! No one ever has enough money for children! Was everything settled and happy and bright for my children? Heck no! Life is never like a fairy tale and it wasn't all peaches and cream for my kids either! No time is ever a perfect time for having a kid. And, lets face it, if having a child now is what you are suppose to do, you will become pregnant regardless of what *anybody* happens to say to you!! :P

As for saving on money, I nursed all of my children because it was the healthiest thing to do and is the reason I have breasts and I also used cloth diapers because it is the best thing to put against soft virgin skin and is also much healthier for the environment that I will be leaving for my children to live in. :D

Do unexpected expenses happen? Sure- life happens. Can anyone's medical insurance handle crisis? No way- not these days. Even when you have awesome insurance, any big time medical crisis will put you into a hole; that is the medical calamity that is called the health care system- the system is broke in our country right now. I have one son who has had several aortic operations and has lived through an aortic aneurysm and were it not for public welfare help I would still be in debt- and that is with BC/BS insurance. My daughter has cancer and her husband has a great job with great health insurance and they are about to lose their house and declare bankruptcy. Does anyone have enough money for children? NO. Does anyone have enough money to become sick? NO. :mad:

Do I wish that I could have been spared the heartache, worry, postponement of my life goals, financial woes, etc., by turning back the clock and not having my children? What?~ Are you nuts?!?!?!?!?!?! NO WAY!!!!! My children are my greatest accomplishment and self-serving 'wants' such as vacations, college, free time, etc., friggin pale by comparison!!! I mean, c'mon, can we say shallow???? :O

I now have 4 grandchildren in whom I can see my children, my self, and even other relations- it is very cool. Life and dreams and goals travel forward in the care and love and joy that we give freely to each other in that group we label 'family'.

I wish for you and your girlfriend all of the love and luck that the two of you can give to each other. No one can tell if their relationship with their significant other will work out over the long run, but your relationship with your child IS forever and that is very cool. :cool:

we were 19 when our first son was born.. it was by far the best thing to ever happen to both of us but you have to do whats right for you and your family. everything happens for a reason :gj: there is never a "perfect time" and i believe that whole heartedly. things will be tough but totally worth it! good luck with whatever you choose.

I don't think there is ever a perfect time either. If there was I think most people would be waiting forever. My fiance and I went to Walmart to start looking at how much food, diapers, furniture, strollers, ect will all cost. Its pretty crazy how expensive some things can be. But it was so much fun looking at all the baby clothes. Some of them are so tiny.

Hey, instead of Canada, why not come up to Massachusetts? Same-sex marriage is legal here. Unfortunately housing around greater Boston is very expensive in most places, but you could look at areas around western Mass around Springfield. It's a bit more rural out there and I'm sure housing costs are less. I go to college in western Mass and it's beautiful out there!

I'm 20, and I dream sometimes about having a baby someday. But I'm in college, and I'll be at vet school hopefully in a few years, so it's out of the question for me, at least until I'm a full-fledged vet. I'd say make sure that it's not just your biological clock that is driving this decision, because that can be a strong subconscious factor you may not be aware of.

Other than that, it seems like you and your partner are going through this thought process logically and carefully, which is the best way. Good luck to you!! I wish I could help you further but I've got zero experience with babies. :oops:

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Originally Posted by icygirl

Hey, instead of Canada, why not come up to Massachusetts? Same-sex marriage is legal here.

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No it's not. Same sex marriage is illlegal in america. Just like (i know i'm going to get a warning or something for this), weed is legal in california. Just because it's legal in your state, doesn't mean it's really legal.

Federal > State.