any good jokes?

i'm so bored right now! i can't even think of any good jokes to start out with! ANYONE????

why did the rooster cross the road. because he wantes to prove he wasnt chicken. HAHAHA lol:8::rofl:

Well... My sense of humor is just terrible and MEAN, but I have a fuuny one that my friend told me... It made me laigh at least. I have no idea if it will make you laugh, but here it goes...

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! Why did the baby cross the road? 'Cause it was stapled to the chicken!

lol, :8: I'm terribly sorry for that! You need a sick and random sense of humor to like that one. Hopefully you're not as bored anymore though.

haha! wow.. i've never actually heard that one before!

oh heres a blond joke for all those blondes (im a blond hehehe) a smart blond and santa clause are standing at the top of a bridge. which one hits the ground first? niether of them. because theres no such thing as a smart blond or santa hahahaha!

ok, kinda cheesy but kinda funny too! mildly amusing! lol.

oooh oooh!!! i have a joke! britney spears! lol

ok I'm stealing this joke
There's a magician on this cruise boat that performs every night, but the captain of the boat owns a parrot that has been to the show hundreds of times....So.....One night the magician is performing and the parrot starts in....."baaaaawk, he put it up his sleeve", baaaaawk, it went down his pants" baaaawk he put it under his hat"
Well, the magician had finally had enough and pulled out a gun from his waist band and fired at the bird....he missed the bird and hit a propane tank and the ship exploded. The only ones to survive the explosion were the magician and the bird. They are floating on little pieces of wood in the middle of the ocean and all of a sudden the bird says "Okay I give up...where the heck is the boat???""""":D

lmao! good one lisa!

That one was good, Lisa. :P And Melanie, that was totally wrong (...Britney Spears) :rofl:!!! :)

I would share a joke, but the only ones I can think of right now are some of the ones that a few "dirty" men at my work have told me recently. Not anything I can post in this forum!! ;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by python.princess

lmao! good one lisa!

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stole that one from Ron "tatersalad" White LMAO

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sunny1

That one was good, Lisa. :P And Melanie, that was totally wrong:rofl:!!! :)

I would share a joke, but the only ones I can think of right now are some of the ones that a few "dirty" men at my work have told me recently. Not anything I can post in this forum!! ;)

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wrong it may be but i stand behind it 100%!!!:neener:

alrite so theres this guy. and hes at the baseball game. he goes and gets his beer and penuts. hes walking to his seat and as hes sitting down he heres this guy screaming "hey steve". so he turns around and looks around for the culpret. he cant seem to find him. so he turns back around and sits down. later he heres the man scream "hey steve" again! So, he tuns around and he cant see this guy who is disrupting his game. so this occures over and over again. he is getting very VERY angry now. so for the last time he heres this :cens0r: again. he sais "hey steve". so he turns around to the enormouse croud behind him and sais "MY NAMES NOT STEVE!:rofl:"

Well i know a lot of jokes i shouldnt say on the forum so this one i think everyone knows.

What does a gay horse eat???



;)HAAAAY!(gay voice):rolleyes:

"Honey, if I die, I know you will eventually remarry," a man said to his wife. "So as soon as I'm gone I want you to sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do that?" she asked.

"Well," he replied, "I don't want some other a**hole using all my stuff."

She replied, "What makes you think I would marry another a**hole?"




:rofl:

lol, good one Meme. Okay, a corny kiddy joke (I've got kids, can you tell :P )

How do you kill a circus?
go for the juggler

any grown up jokes I know I can't repeat here. :D

I told this one to a few friends already...


A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, Send me a brother."

Santa wrote back, "Send me you Mother."


:8:

I'm trying to think of non-dirty jokes.....:rolleyes::D

Ok, here's a blonde joke.

Two blondes are standing on the side of the road when a man drives by in his pick-up truck. He stops by the blondes and asks them if he can give them a lift to the next town. The accept and climb into the back of the truck.

As they are driving across a bridge the man sees a squirrel and swerves to avoid hitting it and goes over and into the river. The truck begins to sink and the man manages to swim to shore. Only problem, no blondes! He waits by the water for a full 5 minutes before the blondes finally resurface.

"What took you so long?" he asks the blondes. The blondes respond "We couldn't get out, the tailgate was stuck."


dumb joke, I know. :D

What do you get when you cross fifty pigs with fifty deer?

A hundred sows and bucks!!!

:rofl:

Oh oh!

What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar?


...a flamethrower.

This one is kinda bad but...

why did the mexican man throw his wife out the window??

TEQUILA! lol (to kill her) dumb i know but i heard it like 2 days ago.

Here's another one..

A man walks into a bar and oders a grasshopper (the drink) and on his way home while he's walking he sees a grasshopper and says "Hey! i just had a drink named after you"...and the grasshopper responds "really? you had a drink named Harry!?" lol

You all have probably heard this one. Its not really 'bad' but it does deal with the female anatomy a bit.

One night a teenage girl is about to go out with her friends and goes downstairs to wait for them. Her grandmother enters the room and sees her granddaughter wearing a semi see through shirt with no bra.

"Take that off right now. You can't go out like that!" she shouts.

"Grandma, you have to live a little. You gotta let your rosebuds show every now and then." The girl then leaves with her friends still wearing the shirt.

A few days later, the girl is going out again with her friends and walks downstairs to wait for her friends. When she enters the room she sees her grandmother sitting near the door, knitting, with no shirt on!

"Grandma, put a shirt on. My friends will be here any minute."

"If you can let your rosebuds show, then I can certainly show my hanging baskets."

Okay, I've always liked this one...

So three girls are stranded on an island. A brunette, redhead and a blond. 1 mile away, there is land. So first the brunette swims about half a mile, she gets tired, and she drowns. Then the redhead tries. She to swims half a mile, gets tired and drowns. So last we have the blond. She swims half way, gets tired, so she swims back.

Haha, I know, kinda cheesy, but mehh..

:8::rofl: thanx. I nearly spewed water all over my monitor and keyboard. that was good.

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"!

He said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes

behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw

that the bear was closing In on him.


He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped &

fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear

was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his

right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my

God!"


Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.


As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You

deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even

credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of

this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me

to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could

make the BEAR a Christian"?


"Very Well," said the voice.


The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped

his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:


"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through

Christ our Lord, Amen."

not really jokes but some funny quotes


Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist

one i heard a while ago

the FBI had been doing tests to see who would be their next agent.
it came down to three men.
they stood outside a door
and an agent gives the first man a gun and says
"in there you will find your wife tied to a chair SHOOT her"
the man quickly replies
"i cant do it"
and hands back the gun
the second man come up to the agent
and the agent give him the gun and tell him the same thing
this time the man walks in the door
silence
then for twenty minutes sobbing
the man comes out and says "i couldn't do it"
and walks home with his wife
then it is the turn of the final man
the agent gives the gun
tells him to shoot his wife
the man goes in
five minutes later 10 shots sound
then silence
the the sound of scuffling
then the man comes out to the agent
and says
"you could have told me the gun was loaded with blanks
i had to beat her to death with the chair"

bad but made me laugh :rofl::8:

i got another bout a granma grandson shrimp and female lower parts but it not for here :oops:

lmao @ christian bear!

There's a gynecologist who decides he hates his job (go figure) so he takes some mechanic classes at the local community college. He does pretty well, and the final exam eventually rolls around. Each student is given a complete car in working order and they are required to disassemble the whole engine piece by piece and put it back together. If it doesn't run when it's over, they fail.

Two weeks after the exam, the gynecologist receives his test scores: 150 out of a possible 100. "This can't be right", the Dr. says to himself, so he phones the professor:

"well" says the professor, " i gave you 50 points for fully disassembling the engine, you did it perfectly. You also put it back together perfectly - still runs like the day we bought it, so there's another 50. I had to give you the 50 *extra* points, though, because in all the years i've taught this class, you're the first one to do it all through the muffler".

lmao! great jokes guys! keep 'em comin!!!

or not..... (bump)

Why is the space between a women's breast called a waist?

Because you could put another pair of breasts there!

:cool:

Here is one I havn't told in 4 years[probably a reason!]

A brunette was doing jumping jacks on a railroad track chanting "99, 99, 99..." A blonde comes up and starts doing jumping jacks and chanting the same. In the distance you could hear a train roaring. The brunette steps off the tracks, the train passes, and she gets back on doing jumping jacks and starts chanting "98, 98, 98..."

It always makes me laugh lol! I don't remember if I made it up or if I heard it somewhere... It was in 5th grade on a week long fieldtrip. ^^

that's SO wrong! lol

bump! i'm bored again! lol

so, a woman walks into walmart to return a broken toaster. the lady at the courtesy desk says 'i'm sorry but you can't return that. you bought it on clearance.' the lady throws her arms up in the air and yells 'PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!' a crowd starts gathering to see what all the commotion is about. so the clerk goes and gets her manager. the manager comes out and asks the lady what the problem is. so she explains to him that her toaster was broken when she took it out of the box. the manager tells her, 'well, my clerk is right. according to store policy, we can't allow clearance items to be returned.' the lady throws her arms up in the air again and screams louder, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!' the manager asked her 'why do you keep yelling that?' the lady said, very calmly, 'well, you see, i like having my nipples pinched when i'm getting screwed!' and walked out of the store with the crowd clapping for her

Hi,

Found this one on a newsgroup today and it made me giggle. :giggle:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem
to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other pulls out his phone and
calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operater: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voices replies: "Take it easy. I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"


I'll get me coat.:oops:


dr del

Omg Derek hahahahahahahahahaha! (he's here through Thursday folks, try the veal and don't forget to tip your server!) :D

Fantastic Derek!

:rofl:



ok so here ya go...


A young boy asked his dad, "What's the difference between confident and confidential?"

"You are my son. I am confident about that," said the father. "Your friend next door is also my son, but that's confidential."

One of my favorites:

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

Did you hear the midget fortune teller escaped from prison?

He's a small medium at large.

i read this one the other day...kinda funny

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

hehehe.... maybe i'm just easy to entertain today but that's funny!

Eggs, Bacon and Orange Juice walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry we dont serve breakfast here."

here's another one i just remembered (yes i'm bored i'm waiting for a train haha)

So there's a plane leaving from LA to Chicago and after everyone's boarded they check tickets. A blond woman sat in first class but her ticket said she should be in coach, the stewartess asks her to please move to her assigned seat but she refuses. After 10 minutes there are three stewartess' asking her to please go to her assinged seat and she still refuses, hearing all the commotion the captain comes out and asks what the problem is, the stewartess tells him and he says "let me handle this my wife is blond"...so he leans in and whispers something in the blond's ear and she immediatley gets up and goes to her assigned seat...everyone was shocked and they asked him how he did it and he responded "i just told her that first class doesn't go to chicago"

Why can't (insert orginization you hate here) play hockey?
They always drown during spring training! Badam Pish! :rofl:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Onua Nuva

Why can't (insert orginization you hate here) play hockey?
They always drown during spring training! Badam Pish! :rofl:

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The smily is the audience!

This blond in AZ goes to a farm to buy a horse. There's only one left so she purchases it and she's about to leave but just then the owner stops her and tells her that the horse she bought is not any ordinary horse. It only trots if you say "Phew, that was close!" and only skids to a hault if you say "Quick! Do something!". The blond leaves the store on her new horse and travels for many miles (while she opens a bag of M&Ms and starts licking the "W"s off) until suddenly, she notices she is headed for the edge of a cliff, and she forgot what to do to make it stop (figures:rofl:)! Panicked, she says "Quick! Do something!" and the horse stops right before the edge. She breathes a sigh of relief and says to herself "Phew, that was close!".

How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced?

A buck an ear (buccaneer)


A pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel in his pants and the bar tender says "why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" and the pirate says "I don't know but it's driving me nuts"

Three women are running from the cops; a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. they cut through a corn field and run into a deserted barn where they find three burlap sacks and decide to hide in them. Cop #1 gets out of the squad car to investigate the barn. He yells to his partner that all he sees is 3 burlap sacks. Cop #2 says "Well, kick them to make sure they're not in there then we can go!" Cop #1 kicks the bag containing the brunette. Thinking quickly, she barks. "It's just a dumb dog in this one!" he yells to his partner. He moves on and kicks the next bag where the redhead is hiding. Following the brunette's lead, she meows. Cop #1 laughs and says, "There's a stupid cat in this bag!" While he's making his way to the third and final bag, the blonde is laughing at her partners in crime. 'Why would a cat and dog be in a burlap sack?' she thinks. So when the officer comes over and kicks her bag, she proudly yells out "Potatoes!!"

Okay, corny joke that most of you have probably heard, but I decided this thread needed to be bumped :D

Okay i have a few


What type of bee is the scariest?

BOOOOOOO Bees.





What to Star Trek and Toilet paper have in common?

They both go around uranus to wipe out the clingons.





Why did the jelly roll?

Because he saw the apple turnover :):)

Bret Farve dies and goes to heaven.

When he gets there, God greets him personally and says, "Brett, I'd like to show you where you'll be staying."

God takes Farve to a decent sized 1 story house with a faded Green Bay Packers banner in the window and says, "Brett, you're very lucky, not many people get their own house in Heaven".

Farve looks around and sees a mansion in the distance, a HUGE mansion with blue and silver trim, a new Dallas Cowboys banner in every window, blue and silver walkways and a HUGE Dallas Cowboys flag on the flag pole out front.

Farve, trying not to be an ass asks God, "You know God, I don't want to complain, but I was MVP, I won a superbowl, I'm in the hall of fame, and I've broken several records. How come Tony Romo gets a much nicer house than me?"

God said "Brett, that's not Tony's house, that's MY house."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.