helping people help themselves... frustrating!

one of my best friends (for 9 years) lives in alaska with her boyfriend of 6 years. they have to children together, 4yo girl and 3yo boy. she dropped the bomb on me that she's thinking of leaving him. as far as i knew things were great between them. apparently, there's a domestic abuse situation that she's been too embarrased to tell me about. i won't go into detail because i don't think it's neccesary.

so, she's all geared up to leave him. her family's been telling her to for years. she knows that it's best for herself and her children. every day, she has another reason why she's rethinking it tho... he said he might have esophogal (sp) cancer- which sounds alot like acid reflux to me. then he tells her, i'll change, i'll be better, blah blah blah. then last nite, she had to call the cops on him. he found out about her calling a help line and flipped out. his parents came over to get the kids while she was dealing with the police and his father said that she can go ahead and leave his son but he (bf's dad) will go ahead and adopt the kids.

christina is pry the best mom i've ever known. (besides allowing her kids to see their dad's tantrums) there's no way they'd get taken away. but this scares her enough to rethink leaving the :cens0r: i finally calmed her down and helped her see it from a legal standpoint, but i could tell she was still doubtful.

i gave her my mom's phone number along with some info my mom gave me about dif. programs and grants for d.v. victims. my mom has been thru every kind of domestic hell u can imagine, so christina is enthusiastic about talking to her because besides family, (and me) she hasn't really had anyone to talk to. so she's gonna call my mom and talk things out... after she eats dinner at his parents house and then goes to the movies with him!

sorry this is so long but it's SO frustrating for me! i've talked to her for at least 5 hours since tues. nite and it seems like everytime she sets her mind, him and his family say something to set her back again- his dad also has a heart condition, btw, and they don't want her to stress him out. has anybody else been thru this? i luv her so much and i hate seeing her hurting so much. but what else can i do besides what i've been doing?

Back off from her for right now. You can't make the decision for her. The best thing for you to do, is to be there when she calls, and tell her to leave him. Telling her that she is not responsible for his family, or him, or anyone other than her kids and herself repeatedly might eventually get that thought to imbed.
You can't help someone that refuses to do what they know they should do. Don't stress yourself out trying to BE her. You can't amke the decision, because it's not you. You want to convince her, but logically, you've done that over and over. Inside she knows that she should leave the situation. But until SHE decides to stand on her hind legs and do it, she will NOT.
I've BEEN where you are, more than once. I've done exactly what you are doing, agonized, stressed, tried, pushed, cried and ranted. Trust me. Just be her friend. Tell her that she deserves to treated like a human being. Tell her she should leave. But please please please... stop killing yourself for her decision. YOU don't deserve the abuse you are putting yourself through.
Please understand, I'm NOT being mean, or uncaring. I know you want to MAKE her understand. I just hate to see a caring good hearted person killing themselves over a friend that refuses to help themselves. If it would help her for you to stress and all, then I'd be the first to say keep on keeping on.
HUGS. It's super hard, and you should talk to someone else, talk about how you feel, and why you feel that way, and help get it out so you don't stress overly much. You can talk without even revealing who you are talking about if necessary.
Take care of yourself sot hat you will be there to help her when she DOES decide to help herself and her kids.

Melanie, you can't do anything more other than perhaps doing some research to find out if there is a domestic violence shelter available for her and the kids to go to. Even if it's not in her town most of the far north shelters have generous travel budgets to bring in clients in need to shelter and housing. Other than that you cannot tell her what to do or you just replace the role her boyfriend currently fills. If you push her to leave before she is ready, she'll just either go back and end up with another man much like the one she is currently with. She needs to make the decision to go. You might gently remind her that children raised within a home filled with this sort of problem have a much higher rate of either being victims of violence or becoming the aggressive partner as adults. If not for herself, perhaps she will go for the children's future.

Illness, threats of violence, threats of suicide, etc. are the tools of an abuser. If she does leave, she needs to speak to a crisis shelter first, arrange crisis housing, follow their directions regarding her safety and that of her children (the moment of leaving is statistically the most physically dangerous time) and know her legal rights as to the kids and her share of the household (both the contents and the responsibilities of the debts).

In the end though Melanie all you can do is present her with what options are available to her in Alaska and then keep the lines of communication open while she decides what is best. If you suspect though at any point that the kids are being neglected, abused or at risk...I encourage you to report this family even if you risk losing a friend.

Here is a link that may assist you.

http://www.alaskawomensnetwork.org/d..._violence.html

I agree you can help listen to her be there when she needs it however only SHE can make a decision, and usually it is always a hard one as the person involved has always the hope that things will be better and that the other person will change and it often gets more complicated when children are involved as many people do try to keep the family together no matter what for the sake of the children.

She is lucky to have you as a friend so keep doing what you do and be there for her no matter what her decision is.

thanks! i know that i can't do anymore. i just can't keep it out of my mind. i know that she knows what's best. the problem is, she's like the sweetest person in the world and can't stand having people disappointed in her or upset because of her. she's the kind of person that you feel like you have to protect all the time. and i can't seem to snap myself out of protector mode. she deserves to marry prince charming and live in a magical palace and instead... i dunno.. it's just hard to watch... thanks so much for your support!

great link, jo! i just sent it to christina, she seems pretty open to outside help/opinions right now, so hopefully it'll help her out! thanks again for your kind words everyone!

Melanie, your friend is a pleaser type. This can be a defense mechanism when she's been with an abuser a long time or something she developed as a child. She doesn't need you or anyone to rescue her though honey. She needs to find her own strength and her own answers. Some of those answers will mean she upsets people. That's life for most any adult female. If you rush in and rescue her, protect her, let her continue being a princess in waiting for her prince on that stupid horse, you are just enabling her to stay weak and dependent. If you love your friend than encourage her to be strong.

For some women and in some socities the word "strong" when equated with females gets translated into "word that means a female dog" (gotta love our censor lol). Strong isn't about being a bad woman, or trying to hurt anyone. It's about drawing a line and saying "I love you but this is my line, I deserve to have this line and I will defend it for me and for those that depend on me". Help your friend be a proud and strong woman who will see she deserves more than she is allowing herself to accept.

you're absolutely right, jo! i wish she could see what a great, deserving person she is! it would make a world of difference!

Try to hook her up with a crisis center hon. She can talk to a person over the phone or go visit the center if there's one locally. They can provide the support and the information that she needs.

I spent 10 years on and off being that voice on the phone at 2 a.m. for a lot of women or the woman at the door of the shelter with a cup of coffee, warm beds for the kids and a hug for their mom. It takes a lot of strength for any woman to make that sort of life changing decision and it humbled me to be part of a caring system that helped women reclaim their choices and their dignity and ensure their safety. I worked in a far north shelter so I know that they can and will help a woman even if she's in the middle of nowhere. We brought women and their kids out of the deep bush even if we had to charter a plane to do so.

Your friend is but a phone call away from help dear. Find her that phone number, that's the best thing a friend can ever do.

well, i know she's called a help line, but she said it was only for a few minutes and she was still very unsure about what she wants. she was going to call them again last night, but i'm not sure if she did or not. she's definitely taking the right steps, she just needs to give herself that final push. and like you said, i can't do it for her. god knows her family has been trying for years! she's only about 30 miles away from anchorage (in wasilla) so she's not far from help if/when she decides she needs it!

I like Jo's replies. It rings so true.. it explains your friend's flip-flopping actions in this matter.
My best friend was in a horribly abusive relationship not that long ago. For a few years. I was her shoulder to cry on. I even blew up at her now-ex abuser once, screaming and going on a whole (drunken) tirade. And it did nothing. She had to get to terms with the fact that she deserved better, on her own. It got to where I had to distance myself from her.. and not long after that she came back to me saying that she had ditched the loser. We are now both happily married to men who are awesome.. so there is a light at the end of every tunnel.
Oddly enough, my husband was in an abusive relationship, or the tail-end of it, when we met. His ex kept coming back and she was a very violent drug addict who stabbed him with a broken cd in one of her lighter rages.

and, btw, jo~ kudos to you for your hard work helping those women and children! i used to be one of those children. my mom never got help until i was long out of the picture. it took a very extreme situation for her to finally get help. she's actually been in hiding for the last couple years now. without people like you, my little sisters (twins) would've been sold on the black market if they didn't die from a meth explosion first... like i said, extreme. but thank you again! the world needs more people like you!

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Originally Posted by Ginevive

I like Jo's replies. It rings so true.. it explains your friend's flip-flopping actions in this matter.
My best friend was in a horribly abusive relationship not that long ago. For a few years. I was her shoulder to cry on. I even blew up at her now-ex abuser once, screaming and going on a whole (drunken) tirade. And it did nothing. She had to get to terms with the fact that she deserved better, on her own. It got to where I had to distance myself from her.. and not long after that she came back to me saying that she had ditched the loser. We are now both happily married to men who are awesome.. so there is a light at the end of every tunnel.
Oddly enough, my husband was in an abusive relationship, or the tail-end of it, when we met. His ex kept coming back and she was a very violent drug addict who stabbed him with a broken cd in one of her lighter rages.

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wow... you don't hear about women being the abusers very often- though it happens more often than people would like to believe. (or admit) thanks for sharing!

I know. She was just out of control. I hung out with people who lived below them in a double house, and thanks to a heating vent, I could hear everything word-for-word when she would be screaming at him! She was seriously nutso.. then she would say that he was the instigator.. but I knew better after inadvertantly eavesdropping.. it was before we seriously got to know each other though and I was more mad because I could not sleep from the noise!
I hope that your friend is able to get out of this soon. I do not think you should chew yourself up for it.. it is not your fault if she never sees the light. It is something i had to seriously realize with my friend, when she would pick me up to hang out and show me the bruises she had on her.
Wow am I glad that I have the husband that I do.

I really can't get close to this subject because it stirs up to many bad memories for me and I really dont want to start reliving things in nightmares, but you are doing the best thing that you can for your friend. Be her sounding board when she needs it, be the shoulder for her to cry on and be the one to give her information as you find it. From what I've been reading she "can't see the forest for the trees". She is so caught up in the little details of daily "protecting" of herself and her children (perhaps even battling her own self-esteem and self-worth) that she's lost sight of the big picture... he's not going to change and get better. I know its frustrating for you, but keep doing what your doing, be her light and pray that she will head towards it. This will be in my thoughts and prayers.

thank you, doris!

:D Your welcome.

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Originally Posted by python.princess

and, btw, jo~ kudos to you for your hard work helping those women and children! i used to be one of those children. my mom never got help until i was long out of the picture. it took a very extreme situation for her to finally get help. she's actually been in hiding for the last couple years now. without people like you, my little sisters (twins) would've been sold on the black market if they didn't die from a meth explosion first... like i said, extreme. but thank you again! the world needs more people like you!

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You're welcome hon. I never actually planned to work in that field. I literally took a summer job with them and became very hooked into the need for women to stand for and with other women. It was a crazy job sometimes especially in a small northern community where most people owned guns and knew how to use them. A lot of my neighbours never actually knew where I worked which was just safer and saner for everybody. When you do that sort of work you need to keep work and home very far apart. I don't work in the field anymore. It's a job that burns you out eventually no matter how much you love it, it just takes from you in the end.

I'm very glad your mother found her way out and your sisters are now safe. I'm so very sorry you had to endure it growing up. No person, adult or child, should live in fear in their own home. That's just obscene to me - home should mean safety and love, not fear and danger.

To those reading this thread. You don't have to work in a shelter to help. Every shelter needs things....money, clothing, toys, books, dvd's, phone cards, diapers, really almost anything. Most women and kids come into violence shelters with only the clothes on their backs, sometimes only in their pj's. If you have something to give they'll find someone that can use it, believe me. :)

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Originally Posted by frankykeno

No person, adult or child, should live in fear in their own home. That's just obscene to me - home should mean safety and love, not fear and danger.

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:tears:thats why my home is filled with all the love that I can give to my children...


dang, ya made me cry.

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Originally Posted by Ladydragon

:tears:thats why my home is filled with all the love that I can give to my children...


dang, ya made me cry.

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i've been misty eyed a few times throughout this thread...

:grouphug: everyone on this thread :grouphug:

awww... :love:

Melanie, just keep on being supportive like you have been. I was in an abusive situation for almost 4 yrs. Lots of mental as well as physical abuse, but I was in that position for a long time where I kept thinking that things would change, we would have a good day and that would overshadow all of the bad days, things would get real bad then he would be super sweet just for things to get all bad again. When I finally got the guts to kick him out, it hurt real bad for a while and then things finally got really clear in my mind and I realized what I had been putting myself through. Like others have posted, your not going to be able to convince her that she would be better off not being in that situation, the best that you can do is to be supportive towards her, like you have been. It was tough for me to get out of my situation and I wasn't even married or had kids at that point, and I am sure those two factors right there make her decision that much tougher!! From what you have posted, you are doing exactly what you should be doing for her, you are being a supportive and caring friend, giving ideas and helping her out where you can. But it does sound like she is heading in the right direction, for each step forward, just be there for her if she does take those couple of steps back. I will send my prayers out to your friend and her kids, and to you as well. :hug::hug::hug::hug: