A Joke

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

Har Har Hardy Har Har. That's my 0.02

Haha . . . .slow clap

Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines...

Boooo :D

hahaha booooo :P

I like this thread already!

How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little nazis.

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I
Wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

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Mines a true story !!!:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

What does a vegetarian zombie say?


Grains..... Grains.....

Why did the mermaid wear seashells?

Because she grew out of her B-shells.

Lmao....what do you get when you put 3 ducks in a box? A box of quackers! Ha? Ha ha?


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The New York Jets... lmfao

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Originally Posted by GoFride

I like this thread already!

How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little nazis.

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A Hitler joke!

I did nazi that coming!

Anne frankly I dont think they are funny.....


LOL

Why do witches shave their :cens0r: ???





for more grip on the broomstick.


that's the cleanest joke I've got...... The rest put that one to shame.

Oooh you're gonna get an infraction

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor.

What do you call a 5' psychic that's escaped jail?

A small medium at large.

Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

Did you hear about the cow that jumped a barbed wire fence? They say it was an udder disaster.

An old guy is getting fitted for a hearing aid. The doctor tries to reassure him and says, “You know, your hearing is the first thing to go.” The old man says, “I was hoping it would be my wife.”

How do you catch a Polar Bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and put peas around it. When he goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

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Originally Posted by BrandiR

How do you catch a Polar Bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and put peas around it. When he goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

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Careful. You may get an infraction!

2 fish are swimming down the river. All of a sudden they bump into a wall. One fish looks at the other one and says: "DAM!"

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Originally Posted by interloc

Careful. You may get an infraction!

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My dad taught my daughter that joke when she was five. She's 12 now and his infraction still stands.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BrandiR

My dad taught my daughter that joke when she was five. She's 12 now and his infraction still stands.

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It was sort of a jab at your infraction thread.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by interloc

It was sort of a jab at your infraction thread.

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Yeah, I got that. Thanks :)

Why do cops keep full size spares in the trunk?

Because if we thought we had a doughnut in the trunk, we'd NEVER get anything done.

What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday.

Why?

Because the rest are weekdays.

My friends tell me I'm too condescending.
That means I talk down to people.

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 6 packs

Lady: How much per 6 pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So, a 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari then?

The judge says to the double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!" The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes ... but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for 15 years I've lived next door to that idiot, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.

Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go in the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

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Originally Posted by MasonC2K

Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go in the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

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So are you a Nerd Fighter or just stumbled across that video online? It's SO FUNNY!

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Originally Posted by interloc

So are you a Nerd Fighter or just stumbled across that video online? It's SO FUNNY!

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I saw a video the other day with tons of these things in it. And I can't get them to leave my head. So I thought I'd share.

Why is it I remember the most useless things so easily?

What did cinderella say when she got to the ball-- ...Oh wait... okay nevermind lol

What Bee’s produce milk? Boo’bees

Why don’t women fart? Because they don’t shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
;)

A man is out golfing when a young lady approaches and asks if she can join him. He agrees and so she goes to tee off and hits a great shot. He is impressed with her game and her beauty so over the next few weeks they continue to meet for rounds of golf. Finally the guy decides he would like to take their relationship to a more romantic level. He invites her back to his place where things progress and so he asks her to join him in the bedroom. As they are undressing the man is shocked to see she has a package. Unable to control himself he draws back and punches her right in the face knocking her to the floor. "You S.O. B., all this time you've been hitting from the ladies tees."

NO SEX Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

what do midgets and dwarves have in common?



-very little.

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, Pastor, "why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bobbafett

Why don’t women fart? Because they don’t shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
;)

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Lol...

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Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,

"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees!' 'What powerful rivers!' 'What beautiful animals!' He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!' Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?' 'Am I to count you as a believer?' The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?' 'Very well', said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

At some point in a guy's life... it comes down to this:

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Bill's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Bill's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Bill sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Crap Bill, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am. You guys want a beer?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by RetiredJedi

At some point in a guy's life... it comes down to this:

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Bill's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Bill's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Bill sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Crap Bill, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am. You guys want a beer?

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Omg.

Lol...

Sent from my ADR6350 using Tapatalk 2

Quote:

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Originally Posted by RetiredJedi

At some point in a guy's life... it comes down to this:

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Bill's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Bill's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Bill sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Crap Bill, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am. You guys want a beer?

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This is totally a Mike move lmao

Never trust an atom.

They make up everything.

What did the ghost say to the wall?
.
.
.
Hey, just passing through..

Mother in law rearranged is:
Woman hitler

LOL