My Fiance Is Driving Me Nuts And I Don't Know What To Do

I'm sorry to say my excitement about getting a new baby boa next weekend has dwindled slightly...

See:
http://ball-pythons.net/forums/showt...e-Very-Excited

My fiance just called to talk to me for the first time today. (She took a job in another city and I only see her every couple of weeks for about 24 hours if I'm lucky.) It's *temporary*, but we're not sure how long temporary is going to be. She's working on getting hired with a police department in the area...but now suddenly she is looking all over the place since her first choice location didn't work out. Anyway, I called to tell her I had found a good home for Faron (my normal male), and that I was gonna get that new baby boa I wanted. She proceeds to berate me and make me feel awful about it, then "teasingly" says, "You want to be single don't you? I can't believe you're getting another snake. You obviously want to be single."

I told her just yesterday or the day before that I was considering rehoming my male in favor of a male boa I could pair with my Monster Tail in the future. I told her the number of animals would not change and she said "Okay." I don't think I'm crazy, but I took that to mean, "As long as the number doesn't change, it's okay." This was following the conversation a couple of months ago about my wanting to breed and wanting a total of at least 10 snakes to do that. 10 being the cap that *she* assigned. Now I just want to basically swap one out for another, and she wouldn't even talk to me about it. I asked her what the problem was, since the number of snakes had not changed...and she responded with, "I can't talk to you right now." I haven't spoken to her all day, she gave me 3 minutes on the phone, and after I tell her I'm excited about this, she gets mad and won't talk to me. Suddenly, we had spoken enough and she was gonna go watch a movie instead. I find this infuriating because I don't ask her to care for, help pay for, or even acknowledge that the animals are in the house...and yet she acts like this? They are not intruding upon her space, they don't need her attention...nothing! She's just so wishy washy. One minute I can have up to 10, now I am going to keep the number exactly the same and she flips on me? Am I missing something?

We actually initially bonded over the fact we *both* had snakes when we met. She didn't tell me until a few months ago that she never had any attachment to the snake and only made a big deal out of it because I obviously liked them so much. -_-

She pulled this same thing with a dog too. I have wanted a dog ever since I moved out of my parents house almost four years ago. We've been together nearly 3 years of that time. We moved into our current apartment so that we could get a dog. Spend two months or more looking on the humane society's website for the perfect dog...and then when we move into this place and I got all excited about finally being able to go get a dog...she tells me she's not ready for a dog and doesn't want one. :O A year and a half later...she still doesn't want one...like AT ALL. And if I bring it up, she gets mad and won't talk to me. A few months ago, she promised me she would get me a dog for Graduation. Now, graduation is getting ever closer and it has turned into, "Well, when we move to a new place in July, we'll get one." And most recently, it turned into "Why don't you wait until we live somewhere you can have a big dog before you get one?" Like really?!? That's a subtle way of saying...why don't you wait for a few years until we have a house...then we'll talk about it. WHAT?!?

Every single animal is a fight...and I really don't have that many. (I grew up on a farm and between my parents we had roughly 30 chickens, 8 dogs, a bunch of cats, three ferrets, gerbils, my schnieder's skink, and two horses.) In my mind, 4 snakes, a crestie, 2 robo hamsters and a cat is nothing. I work for a veterinarian for goodness sakes! When she met me she knew I wanted a bunch of animals and to be a Vet one day! If you don't like animals, why on earth would you pursue someone who is a pre-vet major!?!

Regardless, I feel like she is being unreasonable and toying with me. If she is adamantly against it, she needs to say so in the first place! And we've talked about this several times. It just doesn't get better. She also happens to be the messiest person I know, and until she moved to the other city for work I was always stuck cleaning up her messes. Even now, she comes home for 24 hours, makes a mess, and leaves. I love her to death, I want to marry her *obviously*, and yet...I don't know how I can spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't like animals...I'm very confused and upset. Both about this and about the fact that she ruined my *I'm getting a new snake!* high. :(

I just don't know what to do or how to approach talking to her about it. She won't even talk to me. And now I don't have the luxury of cornering her on the couch and talking about it. She's in another city until further notice.

Blah. Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry for the long rant all.

It sounds like there may be some jealously issues here....like she may feel like you're too "into" your snakes and having them or getting more will take time away that you could be spending with her. That was just my gut feeling from reading the post, and I've seen other threads about the same issue where the other person was feeling left out or being put on the back burner. I guess the only way you'll know is if you sit her down and talk with her.

Well I dont know if I really have any advice for you but I am married.. almost a year now, and I never wanted a snake, lol. It was my wife that 'always' wanted one. I bought her one as a gift, was nervous about it at first, and that gift turned into my addiction. Now I cant even look at this website and have her know about it without getting yelled at. So I suppose I understand your pain. 16 snakes a cat and a monitor lizard... thats what I am at now.. I really want more, but Idk If thatll happen.

It seems like the animal issue is an indication of deeper relationship problems, mainly lack of communication and her being a bit controlling. Even though pets can seem "silly" to some people, when you love something as much as you clearly love animals, denying you that joy is a huge hurdle in your relationship. While obviously you love her, it may be time to re-evaluate what you're priorities and goals are in life compared to hers.

I hope you can get her to open up and start talking!!!

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Originally Posted by Daybreaker

It sounds like there may be some jealously issues here....like she may feel like you're too "into" your snakes and having them or getting more will take time away that you could be spending with her. That was just my gut feeling from reading the post, and I've seen other threads about the same issue where the other person was feeling left out or being put on the back burner. I guess the only way you'll know is if you sit her down and talk with her.

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I doubt very seriously that she is jealous of them. When she still lived at home we spent a great deal of time together. I'd venture to say it was almost an unhealthy amount. I did not get to handle my animals even half as much as I used to. Now that she doesn't even technically live at home right now, she gets every waking moment of my attention when she is home. So I don't think it could be jealousy. The feeling I get is that she just *doesn't want animals*. At all. She loves our stupid cat...but anything else is a *burden* on her. I don't know how...she doesn't do ANYTHING with them. In fact, she wouldn't have so much as noticed that a different snake was suddenly inhabiting the 20L on my desk had I not said anything. But I was excited and I wanted to share that with her. Evidently, I shouldn't have.

She's very self absorbed. For instance, if I call her at night and want to talk about the day I've had at work. I can usually get out a sentence or two before she informs me about *her* day at work and how it was so awful, and blah blah blah. I always listen attentively...but if I want to talk to her about my day...she blows me off. Or half listens while texting someone. I called rather upset the other night and she didn't so much as ask what was bothering me. But instead informed me that she had a terribly rough day at work dealing with paperwork and was going to sleep. A dog would have given me more attention at that moment than she did. Or even a snake for that matter.

So, I guess I could be wrong, but I don't think jealousy is the issue...


I realize now...after reading what I just wrote...and what you said Liv, that there is not much to advise in this situation. Really, what it boils down to is that she can't embrace one of my greatest loves...and I have a problem with that. I've told her before that I don't expect her to share my excitement, but that I just want her to support me. And by that I don't mean financially or in any other fashion related to that. Am I asking to much? I don't feel like I am...

We generally talk about everything...until she doesn't like the topic and shuts me down. She makes it clear that she doesn't really care about the things that matter to me the most, save where she is concerned.

I would never sign a contract with a person that can't share in my passion. Seems like it would make her happy to see you get excited about something.

It might just be a ton of stress with her job and being away right now.

My girl gets upset when I'm the one saying that we don't have room for a new snake right now. I guess I'm lucky.

She is really going to pissed about the Tarantulas :p

Good luck and I hope you guys get everything worked out.

^ Well, you won't know what the issue is till you talk to her (best in person, of course). I hope you two can work it out and congrats on your new boa.

Sorry to rant. I don't know many people with whom I can share my snake related frustrations that will understand like the people on this forum. I really do appreciate every response and I will *try* to talk to her. Although, there's only so much I can do when she will literally hang up on me when we get on a topic she doesn't like. *sigh*

I feel a bit silly for whining in retrospect, but I felt like I was about to explode if I didn't get it out.

And thanks Angelica! I really was extremely excited about the prospect. If I find the perfect one and decide to go through with the purchase, I will definitely be sharing pictures next weekend. :)

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Originally Posted by 3skulls

I would never sign a contract with a person that can't share in my passion. Seems like it would make her happy to see you get excited about something.

It might just be a ton of stress with her job and being away right now.

My girl gets upset when I'm the one saying that we don't have room for a new snake right now. I guess I'm lucky.

She is really going to pissed about the Tarantulas :p

Good luck and I hope you guys get everything worked out.

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You are definitely lucky! Sounds like you found a keeper there! ;)

And yes, Ts might actually push her over the edge. So I will most definitely be waiting for a while on those. :rolleyes:

Yeeaaaah there's some definite communication issues, as well as whatever her deal with refusing to make an equal exchange on the helping-each-other-with-bad-days thing is. My partner is not a pet person, they've had awful experiences with pets as a kid, but aside from asking me not to get tarantulas I can do just about whatever I want since its my money and I'm the one taking care of them. I could even be okay with her giving me a limit on numbers (mostly for my own sake, I have a tendency to go in over my head and then work myself to death). But this goofy stuff your fiance is pulling is unreasonable. She's allowed to change how she feels about things, but she needs to be upfront about it, not just keep trying to come up with excuses to avoid the situation entirely. There's definitely gotta be some underlying stuff going on, whether its just that she never learned to be upfront with how she feels about things or that she's actually just that selfish, which you should try and get her to work on with you. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped though, so you may need to reconsider some of your options.

She sounds like someone with some control issues. Getting mad and throwing a tantrum till you comfort her, shutting you down when she doesn't feel like talking about whatever topic, etc.

Personally it's someone I wouldn't get along with on a friend level, let alone a significant other.

This doesn't seem to be about the animals. Like you said, number of snakes hasn't changed, you're getting a different one in place of a snake you rehomed :confusd:

Don't really have any advice as I'm the world's biggest pushover, but this really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I hope you can work things out to where you're able to make yourself happy though.

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Originally Posted by liv

It seems like the animal issue is an indication of deeper relationship problems, mainly lack of communication and her being a bit controlling. Even though pets can seem "silly" to some people, when you love something as much as you clearly love animals, denying you that joy is a huge hurdle in your relationship. While obviously you love her, it may be time to re-evaluate what you're priorities and goals are in life compared to hers.

I hope you can get her to open up and start talking!!!

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this x2

On top of what others have said - here is my personal thoughts on the matter.

It sounds like there may be more going on in the relationship side of things that is completely moot in regards to the animals. I think she's using these animals as the vehicle to transfer emotions into conversations. Perhaps she's having larger amounts of stress than normal with work, or maybe something happened that she does not want to talk about, but feels the need to vent out control and anger and is taking out on something that is a current change. The change could've hit on something as small as you getting a new haircut even if this was the case.

None the less, sharing passions is not always a must. Have diversity in a relationship can add to its value by expanding on one anothers joys in life. It's aweome when these joys click, but sometimes they don't and that should be a sign of an issue that should be addressed. However, all that being said, it's hard to focus on eachother when distance creates a barrier that enables change to occur. Just earlier today I had a conversation about this that may make no sense to some, and plenty to others. . .

Distance between two people who were once completely compatible, can cause barriers to form causing them to no longer be compatible. Think of it as mountains, islands, and stretches of urbanization to the effects on species and evolution. These barriers force a species to be apart from eachother and then both species are exposed to varying elements that drive a change. She could be experiencing different pressures at her current location that is causing a shift in her mindset and thus "evolving" her way of thinking. This evolution of distance can become a very hard barrier to break (thus we have the formation of new sub-species, and even new species in certain cases given enough tough). But my advice is get to her. Break the barrier of distance down as soon as possible, and examine how things are there. Ignore what's going on with your new snake desires, and currrent animal issues, and really find out what is causing the change on her side. This is probably one of your best ways to ensure you two do not separate into completely isolated individuals which leads to a loss of compatability with one another.

Hope this gives some different insight to the matter. And goodluck.

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Originally Posted by reptileexperts

On top of what others have said - here is my personal thoughts on the matter.

It sounds like there may be more going on in the relationship side of things that is completely moot in regards to the animals. I think she's using these animals as the vehicle to transfer emotions into conversations. Perhaps she's having larger amounts of stress than normal with work, or maybe something happened that she does not want to talk about, but feels the need to vent out control and anger and is taking out on something that is a current change. The change could've hit on something as small as you getting a new haircut even if this was the case.

None the less, sharing passions is not always a must. Have diversity in a relationship can add to its value by expanding on one anothers joys in life. It's aweome when these joys click, but sometimes they don't and that should be a sign of an issue that should be addressed. However, all that being said, it's hard to focus on eachother when distance creates a barrier that enables change to occur. Just earlier today I had a conversation about this that may make no sense to some, and plenty to others. . .

Distance between two people who were once completely compatible, can cause barriers to form causing them to no longer be compatible. Think of it as mountains, islands, and stretches of urbanization to the effects on species and evolution. These barriers force a species to be apart from eachother and then both species are exposed to varying elements that drive a change. She could be experiencing different pressures at her current location that is causing a shift in her mindset and thus "evolving" her way of thinking. This evolution of distance can become a very hard barrier to break (thus we have the formation of new sub-species, and even new species in certain cases given enough tough). But my advice is get to her. Break the barrier of distance down as soon as possible, and examine how things are there. Ignore what's going on with your new snake desires, and currrent animal issues, and really find out what is causing the change on her side. This is probably one of your best ways to ensure you two do not separate into completely isolated individuals which leads to a loss of compatability with one another.

Hope this gives some different insight to the matter. And goodluck.

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I really love you for giving me an Allopatric Speciation example. <3 Now you're speaking my language.

tis how my mind sees all things. . . gotta love the mind of a biologist :-). To lighten the mood here's my thoughts genetically on relationships.

Relationships are a ressessive trait that operates under two easy to understand conditions - right and wrong. r=Right R=wrong

When we think of whether or not a relationship has ground to survive, we examine it as two situations. The first being we have the right relationship at the wrong time (Rr) While its the possibility for the makings of a good relationship, we still see the wrong output and ultimately it fails. Next we have the Wrong relationship at the Right time (Rr), and again, the wrong side of the relationship fails and what had potential is now in the past. But in that rare circumstance where the odds were in your favor, you hit the Right relationship at the Right time (rr). And this relationship now has the genetic stability for the right reasons to show through. Thus in conclusion. All relationships are homo...zygous. :-)

I dont think its important for a significant other to share the same interests as you but they should be able to at least support you. For example: i hate horses; however, if i liked a chick that liked horses id be willing to support her hobby of riding them or uh... whatever else you do with the stupid things. It's part of a mutual respect you have to have for your partner. She sounds really selfish and kind of immature; hanging up the phone if you bring up a topic she doesnt like. Really? That's so childish. I would try and sit down and have a serious talk with her. If that doesnt work then maybe you need to think about taking a break.

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Originally Posted by reptileexperts

tis how my mind sees all things. . . gotta love the mind of a biologist :-). To lighten the mood here's my thoughts genetically on relationships.

Relationships are a ressessive trait that operates under two easy to understand conditions - right and wrong. r=Right R=wrong

When we think of whether or not a relationship has ground to survive, we examine it as two situations. The first being we have the right relationship at the wrong time (Rr) While its the possibility for the makings of a good relationship, we still see the wrong output and ultimately it fails. Next we have the Wrong relationship at the Right time (Rr), and again, the wrong side of the relationship fails and what had potential is now in the past. But in that rare circumstance where the odds were in your favor, you hit the Right relationship at the Right time (rr). And this relationship now has the genetic stability for the right reasons to show through. Thus in conclusion. All relationships are homo...zygous. :-)

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This is rather clever. I smell a book deal coming... :D haha

its years of wrong relationships while studying biology ;-)

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Originally Posted by reptileexperts

tis how my mind sees all things. . . gotta love the mind of a biologist :-). To lighten the mood here's my thoughts genetically on relationships.

Relationships are a ressessive trait that operates under two easy to understand conditions - right and wrong. r=Right R=wrong

When we think of whether or not a relationship has ground to survive, we examine it as two situations. The first being we have the right relationship at the wrong time (Rr) While its the possibility for the makings of a good relationship, we still see the wrong output and ultimately it fails. Next we have the Wrong relationship at the Right time (Rr), and again, the wrong side of the relationship fails and what had potential is now in the past. But in that rare circumstance where the odds were in your favor, you hit the Right relationship at the Right time (rr). And this relationship now has the genetic stability for the right reasons to show through. Thus in conclusion. All relationships are homo...zygous. :-)

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I am now 100% that we were meant to be best friends. :D That is literally the best, most logical explanation I have ever heard. Biology majors for the win!

I think that the snakes are just an excuse. There are other issues going on I am affraid. Good luck and I hope the best for you.

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Originally Posted by Mike41793

I dont think its important for a significant other to share the same interests as you but they should be able to at least support you. For example: i hate horses; however, if i liked a chick that liked horses id be willing to support her hobby of riding them or uh... whatever else you do with the stupid things. It's part of a mutual respect you have to have for your partner. She sounds really selfish and kind of immature; hanging up the phone if you bring up a topic she doesnt like. Really? That's so childish. I would try and sit down and have a serious talk with her. If that doesnt work then maybe you need to think about taking a break.

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I was secretly wondering if her semi-serious threat to make me single was her projecting. :/ But I don't really know what to make of it. I would love to talk if she would. I will keep trying, but I don't think I'm going to sacrifice my "end of finals/Christmas" present to myself because of that tantrum though. Especially when I'm giving up one of my snakes only to replace it with another. I wouldn't be giving him up if I weren't getting the male to pair with my female in a few years. And with regard to that, what is she going to say when 30+ baby boas pop out of my Monster Tail? She knows I want to breed, and has never once expressed an aversion to that. But somehow I think she would if she thought about it. :( Regardless, I think I will still get my baby boa. I won't sacrifice my own happiness to accommodate someone who won't even talk to me. I told her to give me a logical reason...she didn't have one. Therefore, I can not in good faith support her argument. :D

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Originally Posted by WarriorPrincess90

I was secretly wondering if her semi-serious threat to make me single was her projecting.

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I think there is a decent chance that if she wasn't thinking of being single, that threat wouldn't have even crossed her mind :(

The only thing you can do is sit her down and talk. There isn't anything else to it. First ask her how her day was and how her work is going. Then you talk until you figure things out. If you guys seriously can't come with with a COMPROMISE then. I don't know what to say. Marriage and relationships is about compromise, not right or wrong.

Well, she finally just called me and in an irritated tone said "As long as the number stays at 4...you can get your baby boa." She doesn't sound happy, but she said as long as it made me happy it was okay. It sounded a little forced, but it's something. When I tried to talk about it she still shut me down...but since she already sounded irritated, I decided not to push it. I'll try to talk to her about it more when we can talk in person.

Thanks again for all the advice guys. :)

my fianc is about the same when it comes to me with computers lol
She does not understand I spent almost my entre single life in front of the computer before I met her. ( we are both 35 ) . I would get up eat somethnig ( neverpaid much attention to it) log on the computer and either surf web , or play games . aroun 2-4 I get off do any animal care I needed to sdo ( feed clean cages) and help mom with dinner then back to the computer until I crash asleep ( sometime right in the chair.
SO she gets irked iwhen we get up and first thing I do is log on and look at facebook or some other non reptile site lol.
we both have snakes , had afew fightsover them but our issue is house the a set number in the palce we are renting, until we can get our own place then we are almost open season lol.. SHe wants to have only stuff we produced in our collection( example : we produce a bee then the pastels and spider should go to new home . ) I will not get rid of some as I know i can always use them for an different project later on fo what ever I want ot create. lol but I agree anything over 30 snakes we have to invest into our own rodent producing set up.) I know it sucks but if she not willnig to accept the snake ( with in the limits) then maybe she might not be the best match for you.

I have 4 days and i will be married lol. so it take soem give and take to make a successful relationship.

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Originally Posted by WarriorPrincess90

We generally talk about everything...until she doesn't like the topic and shuts me down. She makes it clear that she doesn't really care about the things that matter to me the most, save where she is concerned.

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^Seems like all the more reason to talk to her about this issue, because that's not a happy sentence. :(

I agree with barbie.dragon: in a disagreement, see if you both can find a way to compromise! :) For example: you want a dog, she doesn't: maybe you tell her you'll only look for small dogs, or maybe she gets to pick the breed. Finding a way to compromise makes everyone feel that their voice is heard and matters.

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Originally Posted by WarriorPrincess90

Well, she finally just called me and in an irritated tone said "As long as the number stays at 4...you can get your baby boa." She doesn't sound happy, but she said as long as it made me happy it was okay. It sounded a little forced, but it's something. When I tried to talk about it she still shut me down...but since she already sounded irritated, I decided not to push it. I'll try to talk to her about it more when we can talk in person.

Thanks again for all the advice guys. :)

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When she comes home let her know that you're thankful for CARING about you and being understanding. Do not thank her for letting you buy a boa. It will make her think that she's in the right of "giving you permission" to get one. Two very different things. I'm sure you two love each other very much. Let her know you love her. Sounds like a duh but some men often forget how much "I love you" can mean to a lady. Same with the ladies.

I'm glad that you can get your boa! :) My only concern is that I'm sure eventually another little worm will catch your eye and it will be a fight all over again, especially since you want to get into breeding. When you see her in person I really think you should lay down some of your own rules about her involvement in your hobby... It seems very one-sided right now: she essentially gets to yay or nay what animals you can or cannot keep. She isn't your mom, she's your partner!

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Originally Posted by liv

I'm glad that you can get your boa! :) My only concern is that I'm sure eventually another little worm will catch your eye and it will be a fight all over again, especially since you want to get into breeding. When you see her in person I really think you should lay down some of your own rules about her involvement in your hobby... It seems very one-sided right now: she essentially gets to yay or nay what animals you can or cannot keep. She isn't your mom, she's your partner!

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x2. Aint no woman tellin me how many balls i get to have!

Does she have any hobbies? Being the evil, spiteful person that i am i think you should try putting restraints on her hobbies and see how she likes it. Haha

There are tons of hot reptile girls out there so I would trade her in:thumbup:

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I717 using Tapatalk 2

My fiancé is upset with me also for wanting to get a 5th snake. She said she will keep delaying the set "date" if I keep buying animals. We constantly fight over spending my money on snake equipment and food. We were also supposed to get a Shiba Inu puppy for 2 years now and she tells me were not ready yet when my friend who works at a store who sells only dogs can get me one for almost free (yes i hate "puppy mills", but FREE is a good thing.) I think they just want us to conserve our money for the wedding, kids, and a nice house someday. But I do not see how getting a $200 snake that will live for 20+ years a bad investment. Oh well i may have to wait to get my male bumblebee :confusd:

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Originally Posted by iCandiBallPythons

There are tons of hot reptile girls out there so I would trade her in:thumbup:

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I717 using Tapatalk 2

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There are! I can't find any of them around me :( lol I hope everything works out for the op tho

After reading this it makes me want to send you a T for Christmas just to spite your fiancé. I know that isn't any help... Sorry

Relationships are a lot of compromise, but if it is something you really want to do she needs to be able to support you. My husband comes from a 1 pet family, and that is what he prefers, I on the other hand am critter crazy. We argued a bit while I was starting with the balls, and still do on occasion, even my Mom was against it. Now he understands how serious I am about this and we have spent a not insignificant amount of money getting started his main concern is when they will be self sufficient. He still doesn't understand and looking in a cage and reporting what he sees is about as far as he will go actually helping wise but because it makes me happy he let me go from 2 snakes to 19 in just over 2 years, and he knows that's not the end of it! My mom is really getting into it, although they can stay at my house she comes over for her snake kick, did the babies eat this week? who's breeding? What can you hatch out this year?

Anyway, sorry for the ramble, if its something important to you, as someone who loves you even if she doesn't see it she still needs to be considerate of what you want, and visa versa.

Your hobby crosses over with your job. How can she deny you the hobby that brings you so much happiness? That just seems so wrong.

Please understand there is a difference between loving and caring about someone and actually being a partner with someone. Key word here: PARTNER. You guys work together. If she is constantly manipulating you and is unsupportive of your love and profession, it is time to look elsewhere in my opinion.

There is a perfect person out there who will love and care for you no matter what. They will support your hobbies even if they are short lived. They won't make you feel guilty to get back at your, or fight with you when you are being reasonable. Sometimes it is very hard to decide if the person you care about is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you are anything like me (animal lover) then you probably don't have a stable future with someone who makes up excuse after excuse why you can't get a new animal.

I was in a long term (3.5 years) relationship with someone when I discovered my love for reptiles. I always loved animals, but this was shortly after I started college, so I had none of my own. One snake turned into 5 after a couple years. He finally admitted to me that he hated that I had so many animals. It was essentially over right then and there, even though there were months of fighting that ensued after this initial realization of his. It sucked. I felt like crap. I still loved and cared about him, but I knew I had no future with someone who doesn't care for animals.

It is my opinion that you should just move on. Some people just aren't meant to be together. That is okay! There is most definitely someone out there who will appreciate you for exactly what you are at this very moment. Don't let other opportunities for happiness slip past you by engaging in a long distance relationship with someone who suggest being single and hangs up on you when you say something they don't like. There is no reason to stay with someone who can bring your mood from super excited to frustrated and mad with a simple phone call. No one deserves to be unhappy like that! Especially when it comes from the person who is supposed to love you for the rest of your lives.


I have a lot of friends who are in failing and abusive relationships that have a really hard time letting go. It isn't easy. It hurts a lot, but once liberated you will see all that you have been missing. Don't let yourself get tied down. You only have one life to live so make it count.

So many people have had so many great points! Regardless of whatever else is going on in your fiance's head or in your relationship, I'm definitely seeing a communication problem. She says 10 snakes is the limit, she says you keeping the number of snakes the same is fine, but then she loses it when you're going to do what you both agreed to do? And with the dog, I believe I read that you both picked the apartment you're in currently to enable you to have a dog and now she doesn't want the dog?

For me, the bait-and-switch I see this as being really raises red flags. And combining that with the total shut-down of communication on the issue it is worrisome.

My husband isn't into snakes. Shoot, the poor man married me having no clue I liked them; and in all fairness, when we got married I had zero intention of housing them. Well, that changed and yet he's still around for the ride. I'll tell you right now I didn't make the introduction as well as I might have -- it never even entered my mind he might not like snakes! So there he is, safely ensconced in his computer chair, when his wife and the nine-year-old come home from Repticon bearing scaly things. I do believe his eyebrows shot into his hairline (and considering his hairline is migrating toward the back of his head somewhat, that's saying something). :oops:

Fortunately he likes them just fine, he simply doesn't share my younger son's and my growing passion for them. But what he does do is support our interest. He helped the first week we had our first snakes (Kenyan sand boas) with the f/t pinkies and feeding those to the snakes because I got all squeaky and freaked out over the dead rodents. He modified the shelving I found to hold our ball pythons' tubs so it was about 8" taller. He cut and painted wood "tub stands" to hold the tubs on the wire shelving when it became clear they needed a more solid base. He fed the ball pythons their first f/t meal (more of me squeaking over dead rodents -- it seems adding hair to them made me weird again :rolleyes:)... he's just good. He even praises me for my ability to get over being skeeved by the rodents and wielding the feeding tongs with amazing accuracy... and really, I'm 42, I shouldn't be squeaking over dead mice regardless, but he still tells me "good job, baby!"

He's not a pushover, though. He came in knowing we had cats and knowing he was allergic. He agreed to the addition of one more cat. And he has now been very clear that 3 cats is more than sufficient. And because he's my husband and I care about his comfort, all feline evidence to the contrary, I completely agree with him. The cats will slowly disappear by attrition. We're not rehoming them, but when in time they eventually pass away, we won't be replacing them.

Well, at least we won't replace them with cats. I've got my eyes on a Dumeril's boa...

;)

What I'm saying, though, is watch your fiance and see if this is a pattern of hers, the "okay, we'll do A with the pets!" "No, we're not going to do A with the pets...", etc. Considering your field and your stated interests when you entered the relationship (and the fact that she just played up her interest in her snake to impress you/ snare you), you can hardly be accused of changing the rules on her. She's in a career where she doesn't have much control over what happens when she's on patrol, so I can see her wanting home to be a place where things are as she expects them to be. That's fine. But she needs to be clear about her expectations and not keep changing them up.

You both have to be able to live with each other. If there are things you find out about each other that are dealbreakers, then you both might be wise to look elsewhere.

I find it a little bit funny that my parents support my hobby more than my partner does. :rolleyes: I call my mother to talk about it and she encourages me to get another...especially if I want to breed. lol.

The animal issue is a serious one for me. I've talked to her about it before. I told her that she needed to realize that animals were always going to be a part of my life and that they are one of my greatest passions. She loves that I'm so passionate about them, and that they mean so much to me, but yet tries to control how many animals I can have. If she paid for half of everything regarding the animals, I would be much more understanding. Something as simple as, "I don't think we can afford another pet right now honey.", would more than suffice if that were the case. But it isn't. I pay for everything animal related, save for the occasional box of cat litter. (She keeps claiming our cat as "hers", so I pushed her to start helping more with her financially if she wanted to claim her and she did.) But where the snakes and any other pet is concerned, the cost of keeping them is mine alone. As is the care. While it's probably a good thing that she limits me to a certain extent ( I could see myself having quite a few more snakes by now if it weren't for her...lol), I don't like it when she goes back and forth like she does. And yes, we did move into our current apartment soley for the reason that we wanted to get a dog. That was a mutually understood fact. I just wish she would be up front with me and not get so mad about silly things like rehoming one snake in favor of another. :rolleyes:

I have noticed some of these red flags over the years and sometimes I wonder if we should go through with getting married or not. Hopefully we can work on our issues and get through it, because being engaged, I feel like I owe her that. Definitely more so than I would if we were simply dating. While I know there is nothing binding about an engagement, I feel that any person you are willing to make that level of commitment to deserves even more respect than your average significant other. We live together too, so it would not be as simple as "Hey this isn't working for such and such reasons. I think we should see other people." But many of my friends have expressed concern on many an occasion over the years, and its silly things like this over the boa that really get me thinking about where our future is really going. Our families being invested in our relationship, in addition to the amount of time we have spent together, doesn't make things any easier either.

I feel like I'm already compromising by accepting this "long-distance relationship" that I most certainly did not sign up for and essentially had no say in. She could have just as easily found a temporary job by our house instead of in another city, four hours away, while waiting for the hiring procedures to complete. I suppose we will just have to see where we stand come the end of our lease in July. I would like to work things out if possible so that we can both be happy, but that's not going to happen without shared effort.

Anyway, I really appreciate all the great advice guys. :) Trying to talk it out seems like the best course of action.

And Chris...maybe next Christmas. ;)

Well...first thing to remember is that you're only 22. I'm not sure how old your fiance is but--you guys are young to be thinking about marriage, not to say you shouldn't do it, but you guys are young. What being young means is that you're both going to change a lot, and move around a lot, because neither of you is really settled in life yet (especially if you're still in school). I think communication is obviously important, but it's also important to remember than people our age (I'm only a year older than you are) tend to be a little selfish, because we're all focused on getting our own disjointed and frazzled lives together (I know I am). Maybe the snakes/animals are just a good outlet for her general nervousness about life commitments. Not necessarily the case as I don't know you or your fiance, but it seems possible.

The second thing to remember is that talking about something and doing something can be different things. Maybe the idea of getting a dog seemed good at the time, but once it came down to the actuality, she felt like it was too much. It seems like "we'll" get one means a dog that belongs to both of you. It could be that being as she's living elsewhere right now, she doesn't feel responsible getting a dog with someone she doesn't live near.

Third thing to remember is--to those of us who are "animal people" having several animals around the house (especially when most of them aren't free-roaming) seems like nothing, but to people who did not grow up around many pets it may seem overwhelming. It sounds really like an issue of a difference in lifestyle. It is something that likely needs to be talked through openly to see if a compromise can be made, but--I think it's important to consider your compatibility if either you have to constantly give up the animals you love, or she has to constantly give up her comfort in the home to maintain your relationship.

Hm.. I was going to say that it'd be a good idea to ask her point-blank what the problem is, in a nice way. If it were an issue of money, I could sort of understand. My husband and I do not "require" permission from one another per se (to buy large purchases) but we do run it by one another, to be safe. The exception (which sounds like your situation in only merely wanting to switch one snake for another) is when, say, he trades in one of his guns for another gun of similar value. That takes no extra funds, and really affects my life in no big way.

I would watch out for controlling behavior. Not to get too in-depth about my life, but if it surfaces, it should be dealt with quickly. If you feel like you're being controlled, you can bring it up in a nice way (like "I do not hold it against you when you spend money on ___.. I only want the same in return." No one person in a partnership should be enjoying more liberties than the other.. If it were an issue of spending a large amount of $ that would hurt you both financially, I could kinda see.. or if you were not taking care of your animals (which I am no way implying! just trying to come up with reasons a partner would be irate about it.) I wish you the best, and (not trying to brag here, seriously) as a person who's been in my present relationship for 11 years, it is Not always fun and perfection.. it takes communication and there will be bumps in the road when things seem to be crumbling everywhere, but that should not be an eternally occuring thing.