Need some advice

I need some advice and you guys (and girls) have been great in the past.

I'm in another situation where I don't know what to do with my sister. This morning my sister informed me that she was going to be having a date over on Sunday. This is a guy she's never met before and has only talked to online. She has been doing this fairly frequently lately so I just rolled my eyes keeping my opinions to myself. She saw and asked so I voiced my feelings that having strangers over to the apartment makes me nervous for my reptiles. Bare in mind that I never said she couldn't have him over.

She didn't like that I voiced my opinion and started berating me about how I could trust her to know better and that they never touch the reptiles. To me that's not the point. Having some stranger in my house with my couple thousand dollar reptile collection makes me nervous, plain and simple.

Not only that, but I feel like when she has guys over I have to stay in my room. I don't want to intrude on her date. Staying in my room means that I can't take care of my reptiles while she has company over and I can't watch anything on my TV. It would seem rude to clean cages or force someone I've never met before to watch a movie or show I like but they may or may not. Staying in my room is my choice but doing anything else seems weird. I am glad that I finally got notice someone is coming over, usually she tells me an hour before hand.

The fact that she got mad at me for voicing my opinion really irritates me. I don't ask my sister for much in terms of rent, she has to split the electric bill and pay for half the groceries. None of which she has done as of yet. She did buy groceries when she first moved in but since then hasn't had a paycheck to contribute anything. I pay all of the rent, I have paid for the groceries since that first time, I pay went we go out to eat or go to the movies, I've been buying her cigarettes, I pay for the phone, internet and TV, I drive her everywhere she needs to go, I pay for her cats... In short I pay for everything and she finally has a job now and is getting her first paycheck today. I haven't asked her to pay me back for anything. I did ask her to buy some groceries this week and you would think I asked her to chop of her hand. She started complaining about how she really wanted to get a tattoo so I let it go and used what I had left for money to buy enough ramen noodles to last until I get paid again on the 13th.

I don't feel like I did anything wrong by voicing my opinion. I am starting to feel like I am being taken advantage of by my irresponsible younger sister. She does help out around the house some and she seems to think that makes us even or is some type of huge help to me. I did it all before she moved in and honestly what she does isn't much. She loads and unloads the dishwasher (but refuses to listen to me when I ask her not to put the pots and frying pans in there since they aren't dishwasher safe), and she helps me feed the crested geckos but I honestly prefer to do that alone. She gets mad when I take 1 minute to check on them all as I change out their food. She also takes my dog out, but she does that because she doesn't want to be outside alone as she smokes a cigarette.

I don't know how to make her see that she's acting like a spoiled brat. When I was her age I was going to school full time and working almost full time to pay half of the rent, utilities and food for the apartment I was staying in with my then boyfriend. I also don't know how to make her understand that I have thousands of dollars in reptiles, not to mention my home theater system which I paid a lot for when I bought it 3 years ago, and her bring people she doesn't really know over makes me super nervous.

I'm just beyond frustrated and don't know what to do. :(

She's freeloading - if she acts in any manner other than being grateful, she's pushing it, IMO. Tattoo before paying bills/paying you back? How about no. I don't understand why she can't have this date elsewhere, especially if it's someone she hasn't met in person before. I'd be nervous, too, regardless of the reptiles; I just don't like bringing complete strangers into my home. If she wants a say in how things are and/or the right to bring people there, she needs to be paying her share of the bills. If you don't want to make her pay you back for past expenses, that's your business, but she needs to be paying her own way now that she's got a job, and you have absolutely no reason to buy cigarettes for her. Why pay to feed her addiction? Tell her she can buy them herself and/or quit smoking (preferably the latter, as it'd be better for her anyway).

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Originally Posted by Kinra

I am starting to feel like I am being taken advantage of by my irresponsible younger sister.
:(

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You are being taken advantage of, and you know it. My guess is that you also know what you should do about it, even if you're not ready to admit it. If you allow her to continue to behave this way, it's on you. She probably moved in with you for some sort of perceived freedom - the problem is, it's still your house, your rules. Living with someone, be it parents, siblings, roommates or significant others demands that you treat them with respect. She needs to learn that. The only way she will is if you make a big deal out of this, even to the point of telling her to move out.

Good luck, I know it's not easy.

I'm reeeeally not trying to be a jerk here but frankly you need to grow a pair and lay down the law. If she wants to have a date over they can deal with you doing what you want in your house. Frankly I would've gone off on her about getting a tattoo before rent. She's acting like a spoiled child and she need to grow the freak up. I would personally lay out a plan in writing with her of the exact amounts and dates of payment expected of her now that she is earning an income. Also some house rules. If she violates these you need to treat her like any landlord would and give her a notice that she needs to pay up or get out. In essence quit being a pushover, I understand you're trying to be nice but she's walking on you.

Thanks everyone.

You are right swansonbb, I do know what I need to do, but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm very used to letting people walk all over me unfortunately. I need to stop treating her like she's my little sister I need to protect and start treating her like the adult she is (or should be).

Tonight I will be laying down some rules and failure to comply with these rules will ultimately result in her eviction from my apartment.

The reason I have only asked her to pay half of the electric and half of the grocery bill is because I really wanted her to save up to take some courses at one of the local colleges, but since she seems to have no real interest in pursuing that, I will be changing that arrangement. I was also buying her cigarettes because she's miserable to be around when she's going through nicotine withdrawals.

If I make her pay for half of everything (rent, utilities, food, etc...) is it unreasonable to still lay down some house rules? Such as, if you aren't comfortable meeting a guy for the first time at a restaurant don't bring him into the apartment because you don't know him well enough?

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Originally Posted by Kinra

I need some advice and you guys (and girls) have been great in the past.

I'm in another situation where I don't know what to do with my sister. This morning my sister informed me that she was going to be having a date over on Sunday. This is a guy she's never met before and has only talked to online. She has been doing this fairly frequently lately so I just rolled my eyes keeping my opinions to myself. She saw and asked so I voiced my feelings that having strangers over to the apartment makes me nervous for my reptiles. Bare in mind that I never said she couldn't have him over.

She didn't like that I voiced my opinion and started berating me about how I could trust her to know better and that they never touch the reptiles. To me that's not the point. Having some stranger in my house with my couple thousand dollar reptile collection makes me nervous, plain and simple.

Not only that, but I feel like when she has guys over I have to stay in my room. I don't want to intrude on her date. Staying in my room means that I can't take care of my reptiles while she has company over and I can't watch anything on my TV. It would seem rude to clean cages or force someone I've never met before to watch a movie or show I like but they may or may not. Staying in my room is my choice but doing anything else seems weird. I am glad that I finally got notice someone is coming over, usually she tells me an hour before hand.

The fact that she got mad at me for voicing my opinion really irritates me. I don't ask my sister for much in terms of rent, she has to split the electric bill and pay for half the groceries. None of which she has done as of yet. She did buy groceries when she first moved in but since then hasn't had a paycheck to contribute anything. I pay all of the rent, I have paid for the groceries since that first time, I pay went we go out to eat or go to the movies, I've been buying her cigarettes, I pay for the phone, internet and TV, I drive her everywhere she needs to go, I pay for her cats... In short I pay for everything and she finally has a job now and is getting her first paycheck today. I haven't asked her to pay me back for anything. I did ask her to buy some groceries this week and you would think I asked her to chop of her hand. She started complaining about how she really wanted to get a tattoo so I let it go and used what I had left for money to buy enough ramen noodles to last until I get paid again on the 13th.

I don't feel like I did anything wrong by voicing my opinion. I am starting to feel like I am being taken advantage of by my irresponsible younger sister. She does help out around the house some and she seems to think that makes us even or is some type of huge help to me. I did it all before she moved in and honestly what she does isn't much. She loads and unloads the dishwasher (but refuses to listen to me when I ask her not to put the pots and frying pans in there since they aren't dishwasher safe), and she helps me feed the crested geckos but I honestly prefer to do that alone. She gets mad when I take 1 minute to check on them all as I change out their food. She also takes my dog out, but she does that because she doesn't want to be outside alone as she smokes a cigarette.

I don't know how to make her see that she's acting like a spoiled brat. When I was her age I was going to school full time and working almost full time to pay half of the rent, utilities and food for the apartment I was staying in with my then boyfriend. I also don't know how to make her understand that I have thousands of dollars in reptiles, not to mention my home theater system which I paid a lot for when I bought it 3 years ago, and her bring people she doesn't really know over makes me super nervous.

I'm just beyond frustrated and don't know what to do. :(

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Honestly this sounds very much like a co dependent relationship.....Stand up for yourself. Lay out the ground rules for her if she wants to continue living there while you pay the bills and if she cant or wont abide by the rules she agreed to then evict her. My family and I had to go through the same thing twice with my brother. No offense...but your letting her walk all over you. Stand up and put your foot down if you really are as sick of all of this as you keep posting you are.

Often times people wont realize their actions and behavior until they hit rock bottom. Rock bottom is not a fun or pleasant place....it might even require legal action on your part....you sister sounds incredibly abusive towards you based on these posts.

Rebecca you've had what, 3 threads about this now? Obviously this is not gunna go away unless you really lay down the law with her. I think you need to show her some tough love.

And as far as random guys coming over, thats completely inappropriate imo. That sounds really sketchy and if you have expensive stuff in the house then you have every right to refuse to let that happen. Has your sister ever heard of the craigslist killer? Why cant the guy just take her out for a date? It actually sounds kinda weird tbh. Ive never gone to a chicks house and been like "nah, lets not go out. Lets just stay here instead." I would feel awkward not knowing her very well and having to meet her family right away. Id also feel like i was imposing. If the guys are too cheap to even take her out to dinner first then she needs some higher standards! :D

Family is hard, you don't want to step on their toes, but they should feel the same about you. Yes, she should pay for half of everything if she is living with you and she should pay rent before doing something fun. Part of paying rent is following the landlords rules, so yes, you should be able to have some rules that she has to follow. You should be comfortable in your own home and if she has never met the person you do NOT want them in your house, knowing where you live and knowing where your valuable reptiles and system are located! Sounds like she is not behaving like an adult and because your her big sister your allowing it, I can understand that, I have 2 little sisters who I have bailed out more then once. But it is time she grows up, that means paying your bills before spending money on fun stuff and not endangering your family.

Be strong, you can do it!

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Originally Posted by Mike41793

Rebecca you've had what, 3 threads about this now? Obviously this is not gunna go away unless you really lay down the law with her. I think you need to show her some tough love.

And as far as random guys coming over, thats completely inappropriate imo. That sounds really sketchy and if you have expensive stuff in the house then you have every right to refuse to let that happen. Has your sister ever heard of the craigslist killer? Why cant the guy just take her out for a date? It actually sounds kinda weird tbh. Ive never gone to a chicks house and been like "nah, lets not go out. Lets just stay here instead." I would feel awkward not knowing her very well and having to meet her family right away. Id also feel like i was imposing. If the guys are too cheap to even take her out to dinner first then she needs some higher standards! :D

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Yeah, I've had way too many threads about my sister lately. :o

I'm really not used to living with other people and the fact that she's family makes it harder. Every time I solve one problem she seems to create another one.

She's the one who is requesting that they come over and not go out somewhere. She said something to the effect of she likes to get to know them in the comfort of her own apartment.

I feel like I was born without the ability to stand up for myself sometimes. If she hadn't gotten mad at me for voicing my opinion that would have been the end of it. :/

Sent from my DROID RAZR

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Originally Posted by Kinra

Yeah, I've had way too many threads about my sister lately. :o

I'm really not used to living with other people and the fact that she's family makes it harder. Every time I solve one problem she seems to create another one.

She's the one who is requesting that they come over and not go out somewhere. She said something to the effect of she likes to get to know them in the comfort of her own apartment.

I feel like I was born without the ability to stand up for myself sometimes. If she hadn't gotten mad at me for voicing my opinion that would have been the end of it. :/

Sent from my DROID RAZR

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Nah i wasnt trying to be mean saying that you were making a lot, i was just pointing out its a recurring problem lol.

Yea i have to call BS on that. If i was a guy id decline that offer. It just seems weird. I feel like that'd be soooo awkward. Maybe im just weird though... Well yea, i guess we already kinda knew that though haha.

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Originally Posted by Kinra

Yeah, I've had way too many threads about my sister lately. :o

I'm really not used to living with other people and the fact that she's family makes it harder. Every time I solve one problem she seems to create another one.

She's the one who is requesting that they come over and not go out somewhere. She said something to the effect of she likes to get to know them in the comfort of her own apartment.

I feel like I was born without the ability to stand up for myself sometimes. If she hadn't gotten mad at me for voicing my opinion that would have been the end of it. :/

Sent from my DROID RAZR

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Well, number one, it's not HER apartment. It's YOURS. And she has obviously forgotten that. She has absolutely ZERO say in anything to do with your home unless she is paying half the rent and half of everything else. And even then she needs to respect you. If she wants complete freedom to do whatever the heck she wants then she needs to move out and get her own place.

I can understand you taking care of her animals because you're an animal person and don't want to see them suffer. But you should NOT have to take care of her. And I'd tell her that if she gets that tattoo instead of paying her half of things then she can either get out or not use anything in the house that you have paid for because that is BEYOND ridiculous. Tattoos don't come before bills. I'm sorry. If she can afford a tattoo, she can pay half the rent, utilities and all of the expenses for her own pets.

Doing housework does not count as helping. She lives there too and is also helping herself by doing it. She needs to do her share of everything regardless.

Don't let her walk all over you anymore. I'd be giving her some serious ultimatums. Like...yesterday.

Oh! And no strange guys in the house! What is WRONG with this girl! What if he's a rapist or murderer or something! Then he'll know where she (and you!) live! There is a reason they say you should meet people in public for the first time. I'd tell her ABSOLUTEY NOT! And again, if she can't handle that, she can move out and get her own darn place and then do whatever she pleases!

Rebecca, it is never too late to change your habits. Be strong! You are enabling your sister to continue irresponsible habits. Break the cycle.

It is hard living with other people. You need to make sacrifices and compromises. But the fact that this is YOUR house and you are allowing her to live there, you get to make the rules. This gives her two choices:

1. Follow the rules.
2. Get the heck out.

I know it sounds harsh, but she will continue to take advantage of you until you prove that you deserve more respect than she is giving you. You need to be blunt and honest. You don't want strangers in your house. Who does??

She isn't mad at you for voicing your opinion, she is manipulating you to get her way. Don't let her do it. She will only learn that this behavior is okay and will allow her to get what she wants.

Its time to grow up, set some rules, and make her stick to them. If she can't seem to adhere to some simple rules, make her leave. You don't need this kind of stress, especially from a family member who takes advantage and doesn't appreciate all the things you do for her.

Make it clear that she is to pay her bills first before she can use any money for leisure activities or luxuries such as new tattoos. A new tattoo will not keep you fed and warm. YOU will.

Stand up for yourself! You are much stronger than you think you are!

I probably missed it by why is she living with you? Can she not go anywhere else? From her behavior and your other threads it sound to me that she will not change (at least anytime soon) and your best option is to boot her out. Sounds tough since she's your sister but my gut is telling me she will not change her ways and she needs to learn the hard way as to what being an adult entails. I don't see this living situation becoming positive for you unless she's out of the house completely.

Thanks everyone.

I am going to be putting my foot down on this one. I'm guess as the youngest child (minus the 8 year old) she's had too much handed to her. She doesn't know what it means to be responsible and she's going to learn fast or I will be kicking her out. I've gone out of my way to make her happy and if she can't give me even a little respect then enough is enough. I've learned a lot of hard lesson since I turned 18 and I was hoping to save her from needing to learn them the same way, but she's not making that possible. I'm the oldest in the family and I guess I've always taken that to mean it's my job to look out for and protect my siblings, but I'm seeing now that a line needs to be drawn. :(

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Originally Posted by Daybreaker

I probably missed it by why is she living with you? Can she not go anywhere else? From her behavior and your other threads it sound to me that she will not change (at least anytime soon) and your best option is to boot her out. Sounds tough since she's your sister but my gut is telling me she will not change her ways and she needs to learn the hard way as to what being an adult entails. I don't see this living situation becoming positive for you unless she's out of the house completely.

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She's living with me because she decided to move to WI with me (though when she gets mad, I get blamed for that too). I have a spare room that I was going to turn into a reptile room and I decided to let her have it. At this point she doesn't have anywhere else in WI that she could go (except maybe a shelter), all of our family is back in NH or MA. I'm reaching the point where I just want to stick her on the train to Boston and say see ya later. I never realized before just how spoiled my siblings seem to be (my brother is a little better than she is, but not much). That's not to say I wasn't spoiled as a child too, but some how I am still able to be grateful for what I have and what people do for me.

Sounds like you should slap some respect into her ungrateful lil self, JMHO

Yea i would seriously go with the train option. A long ride will give her time to collect her thoughts and maybe meet some random guys! hahaha

Instead of hiding in your room, embrace your ownership of the apartment! Walk out with three pythons draped upon your person like a diva. When he introduces himself (and he should if he's a gentleman) just explain, "oh, I'd shake your hand, but I'm covered in rodent remains. Pardon me!" If the date doesn't get flighty and run, he's a keeper for your sister. If your sister gets embarrassed, kindly remind her that she won't have to worry about things like this happening if she had her own place to live. Heck, she wouldn't have to worry about it if she had just met her date at a restaurant or something.

In all seriousness though, consider drafting up a roommate agreement. Take some time to get your thoughts together on what is and isn't acceptable to you. Keep it reasonable (don't be petty- not that I think you would be) and go over it with her. Be open to suggestions, but firm in the areas you absolutely require from her. BOTH OF YOU sign it. Mail a copy to your parents, and if she continues to violate the agreement send her home. Put her on a reward system. If she plays with the cat every day for a week, does her chores without being asked, etc., she gets an hour of "company time" where she can have someone over (just an example- if you're not comfortable with anyone over don't offer it). Or, if she does something above and beyond the mandatory, say, picking up groceries one week, you'll take on a chore of hers for a weekend. If she submits X amount of job applications, treat her with a sister movie night. Eventually she'll associate work with good things instead of putting off doing it because it'll end in nagging (or what she perceives as nagging), fighting, and threats. It'll also give you guys a chance to build up your relationship and function as sisters for a while, instead of roommates. Good luck!

I'm thinking back, and I'd definitely pull the "common courtesy" card my roommates and I employed back in the day where you didn't have random males littering the apartment, dates were carried on outside the apartment, food was eaten by the person who purchased it, and the only folks who were permitted overnight guests were those who were paying rent (and even then, that guest better be ensconced in the bedroom away from all common areas).

When you're sharing a residence with another person, those are just some of the simple rules that make living together much easier. Now I'm talking college here, so this was pre-income and we really didn't have much worth protecting (seriously, it was the early 1990's and we had a 13-inch black-and-white TV because that's all I was allowed to take up to school). You're in a different situation where you're an independent adult and have purchased animals and items of which you're rightfully protective. In that instance, I'd say even more consideration is necessary on the part of your sister (as in she needs to be really careful who she brings over), because I'm sure she'd feel just awful if anything happened to your stuff due to any irresponsible behavior on her part.

And if that isn't the case? I agree with those who've suggested a nice, long train ride back east. The child's got to learn.

After talking with my father, to make sure I had his support, I talked with my sister. I don't think she is taking me seriously though. :rage:

I told things had to change and they were changing today. I then told her she is now responsible for half of everything such as rent and utilities. I also told her I want to be treated with respect and she wasn't allow to have any strangers over period and if she didn't like there's the door. She looked at me very calmly and said "fine, I'll move out." I said you have until the 1st to get out or I am calling the cops and reporting you for trespassing. I am not paying for her to move back to NH and I told her even though she didn't agree strangers were still not allowed in the apartment.

The fact that she looked at me calmly and said "fine, I'll move out" leads me to believe she doesn't think I am serious. I don't know if I can really have her arrested for trespassing because she's family, but she's not on my lease and I don't know any other way of forcefully eviciting her. As horrible as it's going to sound, advice on that would be appreciated. :(

You can indeed have her arrested for trespassing even as family...however I would recommend going to the court house in w/e jurisdiction your in...explain the situation to the clerk of the court and ask how to begin eviction proceedings. In many states you must have a legal eviction notice served as they are family and/or resided with you past a certain # of days/months. We had to do this with my younger brother. Also you are going to need to have the locks changed.

Oh...sorry forgot to mention...type out a written notice and post it on her bedroom door and specifically state that the typed notice is serving as legal notification from you....also make a copy of it for yourself and start to keep a file of all of this stuff in a safe and secret place.


I am sure this whole situation is just poop and I am sorry and I hope it all works out!

Note: I am not a lawyer, nor do I play one on the interwebz; nothing I say should be construed as legal advice. For actual legal advice, please consult an attorney licensed to practice in your state (and in this circumstance it might not be a bad idea).

I googled "Renters Rights in Wisconsin" and found this link. From what I read there, a landlord needs to provide a tenant with either a 5 day or 14 day written notice to vacate. Where you may fall into some trouble could be your own lease; you may wish to review it and see if it addresses roommates. If your landlord is aware of your sister's residence (or it isn't addressed in the lease) you may be able to garner some support there. If your landlord is unaware of the situation and your lease has language in it prohibiting undisclosed roommates, you could potentially have a problem.

Just be careful, and good luck. These situations are always stressful and when you add the whole "family" bit into the mix it can get downright intolerable :(

I think she is taking you seriously. She knows she can't just move out. But that is the natural reaction when someone lays down the law. She is young. She will learn that moving out won't solve anything.

Just assure her you are serious. Ask for rent and utility checks. She will get the picture. Its time to grow up!

Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using Tapatalk 2

She doesn't take you seriously because she knows they're empty threats. You tell her to do things, she doesn't, you let it go. Her cat was being neglected, you told her you'd drop it off at the shelter, she comes home with a new kitten. You let the tension build until you feel you need to resort to extreme measures, and then you're rewarding her for calling you out on them.

At this point, if you do follow-through with calling the police on her, make sure you have an understanding of renters' rights. In some areas, just staying there for a certain period of time gives her residency, and you'll need to go through the full eviction process (notice, etc.) rather than just kicking her out.

Personally I'd take some time to calm down, and then re-approach her. Maybe you can level with her. "Look, I hate that we're bickering all the time and I want us to have a good relationship. This is meant to be an opportunity for you and we should embrace it. Sometimes I feel like my effort is being wasted, and I get overwhelmed when I'm doing A, B and C by myself. I want you to be successful, and I need more help. Do you think what I'm asking of you is unreasonable? Do you feel I'm not pulling my own weight? Let's sit down tomorrow and talk about our responsibilities and expectations of each other."

I know she isn't acting like an adult, but she'll be more apt to respond to you if you still treat her like one. If you're respectful of her she'll feel less of a need to act defensively (which presents itself in "I don't care what you do to me"). She'll also subconsciously feel more capable of being responsible just by "playing adult" and hopefully those good feelings will stick long enough to form habits.

Start locking up the food. When she wants some Ramen noodles, politely remind her where the store is at, and don't give her a ride. Remove the light bulbs from her room, along with anything electronic. When she wants to know why, calmly explain to her that light and music aren't free. Take all of your toiletries in and out of the bathroom with you as you need them - ALL of it, don't leave so much as a square of tp in there. When she's watching tv, or chatting online, casually walk over and unplug the television/computer and remind her again that electricity, internet, and cable are not free.

Be nice about all of it. Tell her that you're doing her a huge favor by allowing her to sleep and shower there, since those things typically aren't free either. And let her know that you aren't "taking" these luxuries away from her, you just aren't going to give them to her anymore. When she gets a job and starts contributing, she can start to buy back some of these things. I'd suggest she start with food :)

The tattoo would put me over the edge. I'm pretty much a door mat myself, but I think I might kill someone if they said that to me while I'm enjoying a steamy bowl of Ramen noodles after a long day at work, knowing that I could be eating a steak if it weren't for her lazy as...butt.

You are WAY to kind. It's your place first and last. She should never be bringing someone to your home that she doesnt know in real life. Forget about the reptiles. We are talking about your LIFE. There are a LOT of carzy people in this world.