What do you do when you realize your spouse walks all over you, and you allow it.

Now, I'm not usually one to complain. I tend to just deal with things. Not very well sometimes, but never-the-less. I love my husband, I really do. I can't imagine my life without him, and I don't want to.

So, why do I find myself ready to wring his neck or bash his head in so often anymore? How do you deal with that? I love you but I'd just like to beat your head into a wall for a while.

My husband came from a less than ideal home. His dad left suddenly when he was only 11, and his mom kind of made him the father figure to his two younger brothers. He had his share of ups and downs, and picked up some less than desirable habits from his parents.

Me, I came from the ideal home. So perfect it would have made Beaver Cleaver jealous. And I am not exaggerating.

We've been together for a long time, my husband and I. We celebrated our 20th anniversary this past June. I have always tried to be a good wife to him. I've goofed up of course, pretty dang badly once or twice to be honest with you. He's never cheated on me, I'm pretty positive about that. We've done a few things I'm not proud of, but I try to let the past be the past in these matters.

Lately though, I find myself loosing my temper at him more and more often. He's not really doing anything he hasn't done for the last decade of our marriage, but I find myself no longer willing to ignore or look past the things he does that I don't like. His spending habits for one thing. He works hard, I don't slight that. And the responsibility of keeping a house and family is not a small one. He makes good money, all thing considered. We will never be rich, but we could be in a much better place than we are financially. Now I will be the first to admit I sometimes buy things I don't need. And I do have a habit of spending more in the grocery store than I need to. But my little indulgences now and then pale in comparison to his more or less constant spending. He's invested hundreds and hundreds of dollars in R/C trucks, helicopters and planes and their accessories. Now I know he deserves a hobby. I have one, I decorate cakes. But really, I cannot see him owning four helicopters, two planes and a truck. You cannot fly more than one heli or plane at a time. And right now, his truck doesn't run, neither plane flies, and two of his four helicopters he doesn't mess with. You would think perhaps he'd consider selling some of these toys he doesn't use, but on the contrary he's always on the hunt for the newest, best thing to either add to what he has, or buy another helicopter altogether. Whatever it may be he decides he wants, he buys it without so much as asking me if we can afford it. I am responsible for paying the bills in our house, but time and time again his thoughtless spending has left me without enough to pay the bills. And we he finds out it is late or behind, I am the one who gets in trouble for not paying it. If I try to explain he didn't leave me enough to pay the bills, he wants to know why I didn't tell him there was no money. Now, if he never bothers to tell me when he buys something, how can I tell if we can afford it or not?

Last month, I decided to try his method. I paid all the bills the day he got paid. And then told him what was leftover to last for two weeks until his next payday. I went out and bought the necessities for the house. Things like toilet paper and laundry soap and groceries. I knew we were going to be cutting it very close until the next payday, what with needing money for gas and all, but I was sure if we were careful we'd be fine. Instead, we end up with $200 in overdraft fees because too much got spent on stuff that did not need to be bought. And even though only one of those purchases was mine, everything was still my fault. We had a pretty good fight over that, one of the first we've ever had. Since then we seem to fight over money constantly. He doesn't see his spending as anything wrong, and if there isn't enough money it must be something I did. I'm tired of being blamed for his poor decision making. And I find myself lashing out at him more and more about his wastefulness. And yes, having 4 heli's and two planes when you can only ever fly one at a time is wasteful.

Now, in addition to money woes we have a new reason to fight. Deer season.

I've never liked him leaving me alone pretty much every weekend from September to February, but over time I learned to live with it. But now I find I don't want to live with it anymore. He doesn't need to be out in the dang woods every weekend no matter what. Sure I understand he likes to hunt. Sure I understand it's nice to get away now and then. But he gets to go gallivanting around weekend after weekend after weekend, while I must stay at home like a good little wife. I spend most of my time alone. I have only one friend, and she's twice my age. I see her about once a week. But I have no friends to go out with, to talk with or just spend time with except here. I don't think it's fair for him to do what he wants when he wants and I am not allowed to go anywhere or do anything, not that I have anyone to go somewhere with beside him. So if I want to go to the movies on a saturday, it must be alone or with my kids, because it cannot interrupt his hunting. if I want to spend the day at my mother's, she's old and sick and needs help. Well then, just take the kids and go. Or drop them off at work and go, because he is going hunting. If I want to just spend a quiet sunday at home, sure thing honey, as soon as I get home from hunting. I'm SICK of it. But heaven forbid I suggest he not go, because then the offal really hits the fan.

Now as if these weren't bad enough, we've begun to fight over my mother. And this is going to prove to be the straw that broke the camel's back I assure you.

My mother is 78, she suffers from a number of illnesses. My older brother lives with her, but he's nearly as bad off as she is. A few months back, she was hospitalized and I really thought she was not going to come home. I was sure that her time had come. Somehow she pulled through and went back home. And I began making trips about every other day to help her and care for her and to give my brother a much needed break. She lives about an hour away, and gas for my minivan isn't cheap, but I do my best. Now my mom has always tried to help us. 18 months ago she paid off both of our cars, so we could begin to pay off some debts and maybe buy a house instead of this hole in the wall trailer we live in. But the $700 in car payments she saved us just kept disappearing as fast as his paychecks came in. It should be noted it was around that time he began buying helicopters, and he's been through at least 10 in the past 18 months.

A few weeks ago, mom asked me about that money she'd saved us. What were we doing with it. I had to admit there was no savings. Not one penny of that $700 had ever been put aside. She could not understand it, and suddenly I couldn't either. Why had I just allowed him to keep buying all these expensive toys even though I knew I should make him stop? Why didn't I put my foot down and start putting money aside like I knew I should have ? I didn't have an answer. When I brought it up to my husband, he blamed it all on me. How could we be expected to save any money when I was spending $600 a month in gas running to my moms? Now, I only started going to my mom's several times a week about 2 months ago. And I only ever spent that much in gas or close to it last month, because I was making 30 mile round trips daily for my daughter to run cross country like her dad had when he was in high school, and then making 3 trips a week to my mother's at around 70 miles round trip.
I did loose my temper then. How could he say I'd been spending all that $700 for the last 18 months when it wasn't true, or even in the same neighborhood as true? I almost demanded of him how much had he spent on his stupid, precious R/C crap in the last 18 months, but I knew if I did our argument was likely to end in an actual fisticuff.

So now here I am. Angry at him again when he's not even at home, he's in the woods scouting for next weekends managed hunt. I can't stop crying, and I don't know whether to scream or throw something or just change the locks on the doors and not let him back in. I hate him, I love him. He drives me insane when he's here, and I go crazy when he's gone. What on earth am I supposed to do with myself? With him? With our kids? How can you simultaneously want to spend forever with someone and never want to see them again ?

Gale

Have you tried sharing all of these feelings with him^? You need to explain all of this and how you feel, and he needs to understand the severity of the situation. Men arent as good at reading emotions. Also if hes not the one handling the money he may think youre over exagerrating things. If you dont talk to him then you cant expect him to just "know" all of this and how youre feeling.

Even after reading this longer than average rant i still dont think i have 1% of the full picture. It sounds like at the moment things suck but in all actual reality its just life. I get the fact u dont like him gone during hunting season but it also sounds like u might need that time to cool off (maybe thats how u have made it 20 years lol). Im a man with a troubled past, from 18-25 i had slept with over 50 chicks just to try and figure out where the hell is that perfect house wife everyone has been talking about. As i am getting older i know i am realizing its more all about accepting the crap ur delt and just try and enjoy life and finding someone with things in common. If u dont like his rc helicopters (as much as im sure he prob doesnt enjoy your snakes and the money u have spent on those) but it makes him happy then just accept it or toss them in the trash. Im assuming by ur statements he has never cheated on you but you have on him? I dont think all the rc helicopters in the world would make me forget about that but u bet ur ass if i felt like i needed to buy 4534 rc cars to get that off my mind and u said somthing id prob build the biggest transformer RC car and run you over with it, maybe backing up then going forward about 50 times

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Originally Posted by irishanaconda

Even after reading this longer than average rant i still dont think i have 1% of the full picture. It sounds like at the moment things suck but in all actual reality its just life. I get the fact u dont like him gone during hunting season but it also sounds like u might need that time to cool off (maybe thats how u have made it 20 years lol). Im a man with a troubled past, from 18-25 i had slept with over 50 chicks just to try and figure out where the hell is that perfect house wife everyone has been talking about. As i am getting older i know i am realizing its more all about accepting the crap ur delt and just try and enjoy life and finding someone with things in common. If u dont like his rc helicopters (as much as im sure he prob doesnt enjoy your snakes and the money u have spent on those) but it makes him happy then just accept it or toss them in the trash. Im assuming by ur statements he has never cheated on you but you have on him? I dont think all the rc helicopters in the world would make me forget about that but u bet ur ass if i felt like i needed to buy 4534 rc cars to get that off my mind and u said somthing id prob build the biggest transformer RC car and run you over with it, maybe backing up then going forward about 50 times

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If her cheating on him really bothered him enough he would have left her. (If she did). Buying rc toys wont make that pain go away. If thats his problem then he needs to realize that.

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Originally Posted by Mike41793

If her cheating on him really bothered him enough he would have left her. (If she did). Buying rc toys wont make that pain go away. If thats his problem then he needs to realize that.

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True,
I was only assuming too. Everyone knows to make any relationship work it needs to be equal in giving and getting.
I said before i dont know the full picture. After being together for 24 years my parents split and do i think it was a good idea? Sure why not its their life and my mom wasnt happy. But there is still a part of me that will always think how can someone be together for 20 years then just leave? Call me old fashioned but i still dont think there is any good reasoning to do so. Then again im not in ur situation so i dont know crap.

talking with him would be a good idea. also planning a little get away just for you and him could be good for both of you, it might just remind you both of why you guys are together.

how does he feel about you owning snakes? by the looks of it you have put in quite an investment in bps. maybe he spends money on r/c toys because he enjoys the hobby like, even thought he can't fly all of them at once im sure they each perform different so he buys more because they perform better than the rest.

Because none of us know the full situation, we have a very narrow view but it sounds like there are a lot of pent up(and not so pent up) anger that will be hard to get past if its not worked out. Perhaps some if the things that didn't bother you before are things you are choosing to be bothered by because you are already looking at him in a bad light (which i'm not judging as whether he deserves it or not).
we have had financial issues, we are both horrible savers but I do the finances, every once in awhile if there is an issue I will show him the forecast and where we sit so he can understand both of our faults and responsibilities for it. I'm sorry your feeling so much pain, I hope you can find away to find some peace.

Sent from my HTC Glacier using Tapatalk 2

No offense, but what is your age? Perhaps all of the things that are suddenly bugging you are your "change", (if you get my meaning) not his! My parents split after 30 years of marriage, my boss and his wife split after 40 years, another friends parents split after 20 years. All seem to have been associated with the woman reaching the 45-50 year mark! It seems to be getting all to common anymore!

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Originally Posted by Tfpets

No offense, but what is your age? Perhaps all of the things that are suddenly bugging you are your "change", (if you get my meaning) not his! My parents split after 30 years of marriage, my boss and his wife split after 40 years, another friends parents split after 20 years. All seem to have been associated with the woman reaching the 45-50 year mark! It seems to be getting all to common anymore!

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Shes not that old yet lol. I dont thinks shes 40 yet.

LOL, just trying to rule things out! I shouldn't post things like that when I'm hungry!

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Originally Posted by Tfpets

LOL, just trying to rule things out! I shouldn't post things like that when I'm hungry!

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Im not positive on that, you may be right lol.

Trying to have a serious talk with him is a great idea, although from this post I'm not really getting the impression that he's willing to listen. Do you think you could divert his spending for a bit to go into a trial session of couples' counseling? Having a set time/place and a mediator can make tough talks a lot easier. You both have things you need to work on, and it really looks like his bad habits and yours (primarily the way you don't speak up about things that bother you until they're really, REALLY bothering you) are coming to a head. Things definitely need to change, and if both parties aren't willing to put the work into it, its going to most likely be messy and miserable for everyone involved.

I want to recommend this advice column website. It's quirky, and has some of the best advice I've seen anywhere. You could pretty much send in your first post as is and you'll get a great, quick response (I wrote in about something and while it didn't get published on the site, I had a reply later that day that really helped me out), or you could just browse through the old posts and I'm sure you'll see a number of them that will resonate with what you're going through.

Good luck! Keep us posted?

I need clarification on something here:

Do you work, or is your husband the sole provider for the family? (I get the impression that he is because you mention him making good money but say nothing about yourself.) Obviously he's made some poor choices financially, but it sounds like you're no angel in that regard either, and especially if he's the only one working, he may be doing it out of resentment for the stuff you buy that he thinks is unnecessary. You complain about his radio controlled toys, but you have *16* ball pythons, of various morphs, listed in your sig line. Do you really need all of them? If you're asking him to sell off "unused" parts of his hobby, don't expect him not to ask you to do the same.

Regarding the hunting, how long is deer season open where you are? Here it's only a few weeks each year for firearms, and only for about 2.5 months for archery, so I'm confused how he could be gone every weekend for months and months. Assuming "September through February" is accurate, either there's something else going on or your area has a super long deer season.

As for the gas costs he's complaining about, do you really need to be driving such a large vehicle? Something smaller will return much better fuel economy and thus be cheaper to run. What does he drive? Is it similarly bad on gas? Could both of you find ways to reduce the amount of unnecessary driving you do? If you go to your mother's place half as often and he goes hunting half as often, would that save enough gas money to make the financial difference you need? If you sell off a few snakes and he sells off a few R/C toys, would that cash infusion help out?

From my perspective, it sounds like *both* of you are to blame for your financial situation, and *both* of you need to look into how you can change your habits in order to improve it.

Ah, just looked up Missouri deer seasons, and the longest (archery) goes from September 15 to January 15, with an approximately 2-week break in the middle. It is on the long side, but the OP also seems to have exaggerated it. The various firearms seasons are all shorter and encompassed within the archery season's timeframe, with the "main," as they put it, firearms season occurring during the archery season's break. Given that, if he does both archery and firearms, he could be hunting from mid September through mid January, which does seem like a lot of time away from his family.

I appreciate the feedback so far. To clarify a few things. One is I have never cheated on my husband. Never. Two is the snakes I have were paid for by me with money I earned from both my job and my hobby. Except for my original het pied pair he got me as a gift, the mojave male my son bought me for my birthday, and the pinstripe he helped me pay off for christmas, I paid for all of my snakes. By the way, he has a number of snakes of his own which he breeds, but that I care for and feed along with my own. Thirdly, I am in fact 41, so yes it is possible I am going through early stage menopause. That thought has crossed my mind.

I think the main reason I came here, was to have someone else tell me what I already know. We need to sit down and talk about things, I just don't know how to go about it. I certainly don't want it to devolve into an ugly fight the way it has before. I thought about counseling, but he went through that when his dad left, and to this day he swears it made things worse, and is not likely to want to try it now.
I just can't seem to find the words to even begin to tell him that we need to change. Both of us do, not just him. And yes, I know I'm far from perfect.

And yes, he bow hunts, does a number of managed hunts, rifle hunts, and blackpowder hunts. He is gone a LOT from September 15 through the end of January.

I want to thank those who bothered to post here. I know what I must do, I just don't know how to start. It does help to hear from other people, even if they only reinforce my own thoughts.

Gale

Have you considered going to a marriage counselor? I can see how trying to talk things out with him in private could turn into an argument/ fight, but possibly with a counselor there to mediate and advise things will go better?
Maybe you should sit down and have a talk with him, tell him you've been having these feelings and are closer to the verge of not being about to keep doing this and if he wants to save things he'll go see one with you.

Good luck!

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If you can't sit and talk with him, for fear of it turning into a knock down drag out.... Maybe write him a letter. When you give it to him, make him promise he will read the whole thing and ask for a response. By writing a letter, hopefully things won't get too "heated" and things that shouldn't be said come out from shear anger? I hope you are able to get things worked out as I hate to see someone who has been together so long (not the norm now days) just give up on life together.

Hubby and I have been married 24 1/2 years and the only fights (arguments ) we have ever had have been over money or extended family (our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles etc....) We squashed that by just disowning most of them LOL:O

I'm very sorry to hear about the issues. One thing that jumped out at me was this - what is he doing spending that much money on R/C toys when you guys live in a trailer and want to get out and into a house!? This makes me believe that there really is a problem there in regards to fiscal responsibility and that they R/C toys are simply the symptoms of a much larger underlying problem (fiscal irresponsibility).

That aside, you husband sounds very much like the man that I used to be. My wife and I married at 18 and we lived on the MS/MO border in Leavenworth. I would hunt almost every weekend in MO from the start of archery until my tags were filled. I would also spend ridiculous amounts of money on my hunting toys. I would buy new boys w/out asking, hunting clothing, arrows, etc. I would also buy snakes and lie about how much they cost. I made the only money and I paid everything, so she was essentially a prisoner in our house. I never gave her any money and the only time that she went out was when I took her out, save for going out with her friends from high school on occasion. I wasn't controlling intentionally, it was just what I had learned from watching my parents. They were divorced from each other twice in 20 years and low and behold, my wife and I split as well. When we did I finally realized how terrible I had been to her and still am disgusted with myself for how I made her feel over the last 8 years. Many things have transpired since we split and she wants to get back together but due to some of the things that she has done in the mean time I just don't see it happening, but I digress. Hopefully it won't take your husband losing you to realize that he is in fact in the wrong here (not that you are perfect) and you guys can work things out without getting a divorce. Best of luck and if stuff gets crazy or it gets better, please let us know. I'm pulling for you guys!

Unfortunately, I don't have the time at the moment to read all the responses (Sorry guys! I'll hit this up later and read what you said!)

This sounds exactly like my ex used to. He blamed me for everything when it came to money. I worked my butt off and supported him for 3 years while he was unemployed (because he was immigrating into Canada and not allowed to work until the paperwork cleared, etc). I spent thousands on us. But when he started working, suddenly our money was disappearing even faster. We had a shared bank account, and I would look at the transactions online. He would buy... custom Lego peices for $50!!! EACH!! It's a PIECE OF LEGO!!! Are you kidding me? And when I raised a fuss, he would act like I was the selfish one, or that my buying extra meat for the freezer was the reason we were struggling.

Eventually, it turned into a knock-out-drag-out fight. We broke up after being together for 7 years. It was just awful. Looking back, there are so many things I should've walked out for. I found out later that he was completely unhappy with our relationship, and thus, filled that void with 'valuables'. And eventually cheated on me as well.

When he left me, he got with his new girlfriend (and their baby... Wow. It was awful) and I found out later that they were completely broke and had to move in with her mother.

So I felt vindicated that it wasn't me. I had plenty of money left over. My stress was gone. I could finally focus on me. And I realized that every hurtful thing he had directed towards me was because he was unhappy, but too scared to leave.

I would seriously consider marriage counselling. It might not repair how you are feeling now (Anger at everything he is doing means that you are also unhappy, hun) but it will allow for an open line of communication to make sure everyone is clear about how they're feeling.

My boyfriend now is the love of my life, and I would never have met him if my ex boyfriend hadn't done what he did. So in a way, I am thankful for that. And thankful for the strength I learned from walking away from that.

So whatever happens, you will gain strength, knowledge and understanding, no matter how this situation plays out.

Well one it sounds like domestic violince on his part. Remimber DV is not just about hiting it can be controling money puting down your spouse and the kinda stuff it sounds like he is doing to you. Now id really recomend you guys go see some one. You will find out fast if you and him can fix what is going on. And you may not be able to but if he will not go to it then you need to start looking at a exit plan start puting some money away and once you are able to make it on your own leave him

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Well one it sounds like domestic violince on his part. Remimber DV is not just about hiting it can be controling money puting down your spouse and the kinda stuff it sounds like he is doing to you. Now id really recomend you guys go see some one. You will find out fast if you and him can fix what is going on. And you may not be able to but if he will not go to it then you need to start looking at a exit plan start puting some money away and once you are able to make it on your own leave him

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Maybe the financial stress is spilling over, and making you guys more inclined to fight over other stuff? To me it sounds like you really need to sit down together and make a budget, so you're both on the same page when it comes to what bills need to be paid. Paying all those overdraft fees certainly isn't going to help anything... And once you know how much you can afford to spend at the grocery store, for example, take cash and only take enough for what you need.

I also think it matters how you approach the subject. If you start off by saying "I can't believe you spent all that money on stupid RC cars!!!" you will set yourself up for a fight. If you say, "Hey, I know we've talked about how we'd like to xxxx (buy a house, buy a car, go on vacation, whatever). I've been trying to figure out what we can do to work towards that, and I was wondering if you had any ideas." you might get a better response. Ultimately, you are probably both at fault, so sitting around blaming each other isn't really constructive.