cheating

do u believe once a cheater always a cheater? if your spouse cheated on you...would you give them another chance in the future? i ask because friday night i found out my fiance cheated on me...and he has been begging for me to forgive him, and told me he didnt know how much he realy loved me and wanted me till i packed my stuff up and left...and that he realizes he has treated me like crap for a while now and he would do anything to change...i told him i dont know what to do..i told him he had to tell his "friends" that talked him into cheating on me and the sister of his friend that he cheated on me with to not come around no more, and that he wanted me and she was a mistake..he did it face to face with all 3 of them....and he changed his number so they couldnt call..but im still not sure if i should walk away from him forever..or be his friend and see if he changess....there are three parts of me ....one says forgive him and he regrets it..i know thats the stupid part of me and i wont do it...the 2nd is walk away and never look back...but even after this i still love him..but the 3rd is give him a chance to prove himself and be his friend...and see what happens with the friendship in a year or so....everyone i asked tells me to walk away and find someone better..but none of them are in stable relationships or have ever been in a stable relationship..and are family so they are going to tell me to leave cause he hurt me..sorry for the ramble..im confused..please i need advice..not hate..i would post on my mommy forum but there all females...and i think a males point of view is just as important

I think option 3 is your best option right now. He has to EARN your trust back with consistent behavior. You may also see if he's willing to go through couples counseling with you. He needs to acknowledge that his actions hurt you deeply and he needs to own those actions.

And this is from a woman's point of view.

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If he truly loved you, then why did he cheat on you in the first place?

I tend to hold a "colder" view than most people but i would dump his cheating ass.

I don't know your Fiance so I don't know what kind of person he is but I would go with option 3 too. I agree that he needs to EARN your trust back. It doesn't sound like it took much convincing for him to cheat on you so he might have been thinking about doing it on his own anyways without peer pressure from his friends.
I've been cheated on and was told that it was a lie (was told by my ex's friends that he had) and I believed him. Well turns out he had and I wish I hadn't taken him back.

This is coming from a woman's point of view as well. I have been with my Fiance for 4 years and we have a son together and have never had any issues. :)

Good luck! You are the only one that know whether he will be a repeat offender. Listen to your mind and not your heart girl!

I have been married for 12 years, and trust is of the utmost importance. I trust my husband 100%, we both believe that is the worst betrayal. Once that has been broken, I don't see how it could ever be the same. IMO, if you are at the point where you could do that (cheat) you are not happy in your relationship. And if you aren't happy, you should just get out before you hurt the other half. You, deserve better than that. There is somebody out there for everybody, someone who will treat you with respect and not hurt you. If he was able to do it once, what's to stop him from doing it again? I don't think I could get over that, personally. It would always be in the back of my mind. But I am not the kind of person to put up with that, so, that's just me. IMO, you deserve to be treated better than that. Good luck in whatever you do.

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Originally Posted by Mike41793

If he truly loved you, then why did he cheat on you in the first place?

I tend to hold a "colder" view than most people but i would dump his cheating ass.

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I agree with Mike. Cheating is the one deal breaker for me. There is no excuse for it. None. And one he cheats the first time, the next time is easy. You deserve better.

It's always easier said than done, but are you really willing to spend the rest of your life with this man knowing that he's not only capable of doing this to you, but actually HAS done this to you? I don't know if I was already married I may consider the whole "earning the trust back" crap, but you're not even married yet and he did this. Red flag my dear, I'm sorry this happened to you :(

Hmm, it's a hard one for sure. I lean more towards once a cheater always a cheater, at least in the beginning. Have you guys been together very long? I can understand being with someone for many years and making a mistake because you don't know if you made the right choice, midlife crisis, whatever people give for an excuse. If you were married and had been together for many years then I would say try work it out, no sense in throwing away something that could potentially be fixed. Of course there are different situations I would say forget it even if you were married for decades. Since you aren't married yet and I don't know if you have been together for years, I say be very cautious. If he can't make it through a year or two, how can he make it through 40-50+ years?

I'm sorry but having a physical or emotional relationship with anyone other than the person your supposedly committed to is never a mistake. Often, people have plenty of chance to NOT do that action before it actually happens. It's not a mistake, the mistake to them is getting caught.

Walk away

The part where he cheated on you bothers me less than the part where you said that he admitted to treating you badly for awhile now..

That makes me wonder if he CAN change. Also if he's only cheated once. I mean, if he always treated you great and made one mistake, and then did all that to get you back, it would most likely warrant a second chance to me.

Of he's been treating you like crap for awhile, and things aren't the way they should be and haven't been, that's a red flag. I would have suspected the cheating the moment he "changed" and started treating me bad.

An ex-boyfriend cheated on me after a few years of being together. He made up an excuse that the girl(an old friend supposedly) invited him to her house and surprised him by dropping her panties.
At first, I brushed it off like it was no big deal. I guess I was in shock and it didn't really set in at the time.
We were still together, but it really ate me up for a long time after that. I really couldn't trust him anymore.
It only took 2 months after that before we really broke up. It was just a nasty break up where we kept getting back together and breaking up over and over and over again for weeks. We were just trying to save the relationship, but it was hurt after hurt after hurt. He asked for forgiveness and to get back with each other because he was lonely. After he got over the "lonely phase", he eventually admitted that he was happy of the break up and that he felt more 'free'.
It took me a long time to return to normal and I did some psychological counseling. It was the first time I was alone in years.
We're still 'friends'. We speak once in a blue moon, but the trust isn't there any more. And in all relationships, trust is the most important part.

I was told this many times during my break up. "You don't want him. You want the companionship and stability." Turns out they were right. I was just trying to save the relationship because I wanted somebody.

If your fiance was able to go out and cheat on you, there is clearly something lacking in the relationship no matter how much you love him. It's his own way of subconsciously or conscious letting everyone know that something is wrong and that he doesn't like what your relationship is now.
If he couldn't resist the other girl for you, then he doesn't deserve you. Don't let it get toxic.
Like Doolittle said, get out before someone gets hurt more. You specifically...
You will find the right person someday who will want you and want no one else.

I was cheated on by an ex fiance about 4 years ago. At the time we tried to fix things, but it made me very jealous and controlling. It completely messed me up, permenantly too sadly. Knowing he cheated tore me up inside it made me crazy. Then he cheated again and I completely broke down. We broke up for good but it was a nasty break up, he had even started to abuse me physically.

Its 4 years later and my poor husband has to deal still with what that guy put me through. But i kniw now i have a man that loves me because he puts up with my baggage.

I believe if he cheated once and was treating you badly leave him.
You can find.someone better who would never consider such a thing.

I wish you the very best in whatever you decide.

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Originally Posted by DrDooLittle

I have been married for 12 years, and trust is of the utmost importance. I trust my husband 100%, we both believe that is the worst betrayal. Once that has been broken, I don't see how it could ever be the same. IMO, if you are at the point where you could do that (cheat) you are not happy in your relationship. And if you aren't happy, you should just get out before you hurt the other half. You, deserve better than that. There is somebody out there for everybody, someone who will treat you with respect and not hurt you. If he was able to do it once, what's to stop him from doing it again? I don't think I could get over that, personally. It would always be in the back of my mind. But I am not the kind of person to put up with that, so, that's just me. IMO, you deserve to be treated better than that. Good luck in whatever you do.

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Wait.

You're a chick?

I had you pegged as a male asian college student..................or something along those lines.

Lol!! Oh myyyy!

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Originally Posted by Skiploder

Wait.

You're a chick?

I had you pegged as a male asian college student..................or something along those lines.

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Wow! Lol

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Originally Posted by melodyb1985

do u believe once a cheater always a cheater? if your spouse cheated on you...would you give them another chance in the future? i ask because friday night i found out my fiance cheated on me...and he has been begging for me to forgive him, and told me he didnt know how much he realy loved me and wanted me till i packed my stuff up and left...and that he realizes he has treated me like crap for a while now and he would do anything to change...i told him i dont know what to do..i told him he had to tell his "friends" that talked him into cheating on me and the sister of his friend that he cheated on me with to not come around no more, and that he wanted me and she was a mistake..he did it face to face with all 3 of them....and he changed his number so they couldnt call..but im still not sure if i should walk away from him forever..or be his friend and see if he changess....there are three parts of me ....one says forgive him and he regrets it..i know thats the stupid part of me and i wont do it...the 2nd is walk away and never look back...but even after this i still love him..but the 3rd is give him a chance to prove himself and be his friend...and see what happens with the friendship in a year or so....everyone i asked tells me to walk away and find someone better..but none of them are in stable relationships or have ever been in a stable relationship..and are family so they are going to tell me to leave cause he hurt me..sorry for the ramble..im confused..please i need advice..not hate..i would post on my mommy forum but there all females...and i think a males point of view is just as important

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Think of this time with your fiance as something akin to test driving a new car. Go with that visual.

You are driving down the road in this new car on a test drive. There is a smarmy salesman riding shotgun with you wearing white shoes with maroon pants and a white belt. You are taking in that new car smell and have started to imagine it parked in your driveway You are driving it down the highway at top speed and all four wheels fall off and the hood flies open.

Would you still buy the car?

Didn't think so.

You can give him a second chance, but I personally believe it isn't worth it. You deserve the best person to love you and be faithful to you. It looks to me like he isn't cutting it. If he ever second guessing loving you, enough to cheat on you, then what prevents him from having more second thoughts?

He screwed up. I wouldn't care how much he said he wanted me back. The damage has been done.

Moving on will be tough in the beginning, but I believe your quality of life will be better if you move on.

My boyfriend of 4 years, whom I live with, cheated on me emotionally and I ended it. He lied to me about going to see another girl and I found some emails between the two of them. They didn't admit to anything physical but from my standpoint I was still cheated on, and mind you, it wasn't the first time. I wasn't going to put up with that at all. I ended it immediately. And the worst part is the other girl was my sister. So I can't even imagine what it could feel like to be physically cheated on, but if I were you I couldn't stand being with someone who could do something like that to someone they supposedly love.

Cheating is cheating, but just because it happens once, doesn't mean it will always happen again. Circumstances are different for everyone but the one question you have to answer is "can I ever let this go?" If you can't truly move forward, then walk away now.

If you honestly believe it was a one time slip-up, and really want to be with him, give him the chance to prove it was a one time mistake and earn your trust back. He needs to know that you will be suspicious, angry and hurt for a long time and he needs to be willing to do whatever it takes to help heal that.

Ultimately, the decision is up to you. Listen to your head, not your heart.

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Originally Posted by Skiploder

I had you pegged as a male asian college student..................

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I wish I were one sometimes. LOL >_<;;

Hmmm so all kinds of advice on leave him or not...... I will put it like this.... I've cheated. It was retarded. I was young and stupid. Still no excuse. I've done it to multiple women multiple times. I'm not bragging. Please don't take it that way. What I have realized was that those women I wasn't truly in love with. I loved them but not in love with them. I even fought to keep one or two of them just to realize a couple months down the road I wasnt in love with them. However I have been married to the love of my life for 3 years now and the thought has never crossed my mind to sleep with anyone else. I have no desire for another woman. That is the way it should be imo. When you are IN love there is no urge for anyone else. So he cheated on you with 1 person. That you know of. How are you going to feel if it happens again and you don't find out until after you say "I do" at that point its a bit late to reconsider your choices. I say you are better off without him but it is your choice. Just think long and hard on it.

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Originally Posted by satomi325

I wish I were one sometimes. LOL >_<;;

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Male?

Asian?

Or a college student?

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Originally Posted by Skiploder

Male?

Asian?

Or a college student?

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The first one. I'm already the other two. ;p

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Originally Posted by satomi325

The first one. I'm already the other two. ;p

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Apparently there's a procedure that can take care of that little detail. Something called an addadictomy............

i think he loves you. guys are very sexual creatures. he went out of his way for you not to find out. so give him another chance. there's a lot of temptations out there. some are just too tempting.

There's a lot of psychology that has to work itself out here. You need to figure out why he cheated.

He didn't want you to find out. So, he obviously still wants you around in some capacity. However, it's up to you to decide if that capacity is healthy for you.

And that's exactly the terms that I would set forth. You stay away exactly as far and for however long as your mind, not your heart, tells you to.

If you just want to mess with him though, tell him you want a three-some with another guy 'cuz he cheated on you, then see what he says.

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Originally Posted by stickyalvinroll

i think he loves you. guys are very sexual creatures. he went out of his way for you not to find out. so give him another chance. there's a lot of temptations out there. some are just too tempting.

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Yep guys are sexual creatures. Are we now saying that Romeo here deserves some sort of break because he tried to hide it from her? Or does he deserve some sort of break because some some asses are just to tempting to not put a tap on - even if it means breaking the heart and destroying the trust of someone who loves you? Bull crap.

When you stop thinking about yourself and start having empathy for someone you love - like a wife or a girlfriend - the very idea of humiliating and hurting them by banging someone else becomes unthinkable.

If the OPs fiance is so shallow and so self absorbed that he can't rank her feelings and her self esteem above his own sexual desires, than that piece of crap deserves to be kicked to the curb.

There should be no piece of a$$ so tempting that it should cause you to lie and cheat to someone you love.

Period.

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Originally Posted by Skiploder

Wait.

You're a chick?

I had you pegged as a male asian college student..................or something along those lines.

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Wahhh? :confused: 37 year old, married white female mommy, lol. :p

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Originally Posted by DrDooLittle

Wahhh? 37 year old, married white female mommy, lol.

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Waaaahhh 40-something year old, married sorta white male daddy.

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Originally Posted by Skiploder

Yep guys are sexual creatures. Are we now saying that Romeo here deserves some sort of break because he tried to hide it from her? Or does he deserve some sort of break because some some asses are just to tempting to not put a tap on - even if it means breaking the heart and destroying the trust of someone who loves you? Bull crap.

When you stop thinking about yourself and start having empathy for someone you love - like a wife or a girlfriend - the very idea of humiliating and hurting them by banging someone else becomes unthinkable.

If the OPs fiance is so shallow and so self absorbed that he can't rank her feelings and her self esteem above his own sexual desires, than that piece of crap deserves to be kicked to the curb.

There should be no piece of a$$ so tempting that it should cause you to lie and cheat to someone you love.

Period.

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This. You are worth more than this guy! No one deserves to be cheated on and there are no excuses for it.

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Originally Posted by stickyalvinroll

i think he loves you. guys are very sexual creatures. he went out of his way for you not to find out. so give him another chance. there's a lot of temptations out there. some are just too tempting.

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This ^^ bunch of crap. Move on. You are better than that.

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Originally Posted by DrDooLittle

This ^^ bunch of crap. Move on. You are better than that.

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If you had posted this yesterday I would have pegged you as one heck of a sensitive dude. I would have been nicely surprised.

But now that I know a married mommy posted it.....................it just isn't the same.

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Originally Posted by stickyalvinroll

i think he loves you. guys are very sexual creatures. he went out of his way for you not to find out. so give him another chance. there's a lot of temptations out there. some are just too tempting.

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And you, my friend, are the reason why nice guys get a bad rap with the jerks. It's called self control and respect, it will annihilate any "temptations". A real frickin man knows this. Have a temptation? Remove it. Simple as that.

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Originally Posted by Skiploder

If you had posted this yesterday I would have pegged you as one heck of a sensitive dude. I would have been nicely surprised.

But now that I know a married mommy posted it.....................it just isn't the same.

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Meh, been down that road before, they simply aren't worth it. There IS somebody better out there, keep looking. Maybe I am just a bull headed, but I don't put up with crap.

My husband and a couple co workers were talking about their wives, because one guy had to go home, In the middle of the work day, because his wife couldn't handle their 3 children. He came home and told me about that and I couldn't even believe it. How can you not handle your children, and need your husband to leave work, and come home? He said that, yeah, him and his friend/coworker were talking, and said they would take their strong, independent, stubborn, (sometimes annoying :p) wives that could take care of themselves, and get things done, over a needy whiney one, any day!

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I used to be a cheater, but I'm not sure that I could have stayed with the person that I cheated on and not end up doing it again. I think that once a cheater changes they need a new "environment", i.e. partner, in order to not continue their behavior. That said, it is possible to stop with the same person but it may take a break and a new mindset for him.

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Originally Posted by melodyb1985

none of them are in stable relationships

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I haven't read the rest of the posts in the thread, but this jumped out at me. You're predicating your question on the fact that you ARE in a stable relationship.

You are NOT.

A stable relationship doesn't have this problem. Not being in a stable relationship, do you have the same investment that you would if it were a stable relationship or have you been sold a bill of goods?

Perspective. How much do you REALLY want to see? How gullible, or not, are you?

Cheaters change sometimes.

Sometimes cheaters don't change.

But the fact that he's broken your trust, that needs some consideration. Is it the only time? Will it BE the only time?

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Originally Posted by wilomn

Cheaters change sometimes.

Sometimes cheaters don't change.

But the fact that he's broken your trust, that needs some consideration. Is it the only time? Will it BE the only time?

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I agree with the wise one.

Honestly,some relationships can survive infidelity (or any severe breach of trust). Some can not.
You need to decide if your relationship with this man can survive a breach of trust such as this one. You need to decide if you would ever be able to forgive him, and if you would be able to let him build trust back up.

Will you ever be able to let this go? Will you hold it against him and use it against him if you get into fights?

Only you can (and should) be able to decide these things for yourself.

Good luck.

IMO this guy has a serious character flaw. There is no way you could ever trust this guy again. Period... If you can't trust this jerk to keep it in his pants do you think you can trust him when it really counts. Especially when the chips are down. Doubt it. This kinda thing shows you what this cone head is made of. Do yourself a favor and dump this scumbag before he hurts you again.:mad:

There is one thing all of us, readers, posters, all of us should remember.

We have ONE side of a story here that we have no proof to back up. It sounds like it's true, but I don't know this girl. I've given my opinion, and am in no way excusing the guy, if there is one, but I thought I saw a guy carrying a cross a while back and I'd swear I caught a whiff of kerosene a bit ago and damned if my sheets didn't go missing of the line this afternoon...

Prove guilt FIRST

THEN crucify.

The other way can lead to messy explanations and long rambling speeches about mob mentalities and how video games desensitize today's youth to violence.

Try to remember than in crowd situations or when the pilings on seem more than usually one-sided.

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Originally Posted by DrDooLittle

Meh, been down that road before, they simply aren't worth it. There IS somebody better out there, keep looking. Maybe I am just a bull headed, but I don't put up with crap.

My husband and a couple co workers were talking about their wives, because one guy had to go home, In the middle of the work day, because his wife couldn't handle their 3 children. He came home and told me about that and I couldn't even believe it. How can you not handle your children, and need your husband to leave work, and come home? He said that, yeah, him and his friend/coworker were talking, and said they would take their strong, independent, stubborn, (sometimes annoying :p) wives that could take care of themselves, and get things done, over a needy whiney one, any day!

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I think you missed my attempt at humor......................

It was, you know, another riff on the whole "I thought you were a dude-but-you're-not thing" , and well, yeah..............there it is.:(

Cheating (even something as simple as a kiss) is the ultimate deal breaker for me - doesn't matter how long I was with so and so or how much I loved them, that trust is gone and so is the relationship - no questions asked and no ifs, ands, or buts. I say leave him and move on to someone who respects you more. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Skiploder

I think you missed my attempt at humor......................

It was, you know, another riff on the whole "I thought you were a dude-but-you're-not thing" , and well, yeah..............there it is.:(

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Lol, sorry :p

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Skiploder

I think you missed my attempt at humor......................

It was, you know, another riff on the whole "I thought you were a dude-but-you're-not thing" , and well, yeah..............there it is.:(

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Unless I've confused her for another Skip, she's a blonde.

I'll let you make of that what you will. All of you.

first off im sorry youre fiance cheated on you, ive been there and its very painful. good news: i finally realized i was better off without him. (took me a long time to come to that conclusion) and im sure you will find this out too. youre in a crappy spot emotionally right now. best to let yourself get over the shock and heartache for now and make a decision when youre ready. when i thought about my situation rationally, it struck me that i would have never cheated on him. we obviously didnt have the same commitment to eachother. and when we got back together there was no way i would trust him again. it was miserable. i found someone that i trust 100% now. you could definitely find someone that would be faithful to you. in the meantime do something that makes you feel better. go out with friends, buy a new outfit, treat yourself... just my 2 cents and i really dont mean to be critical or harsh, really wish you the best.
jacky

Along with other good advice listed, I'll add my two cents. If he cheated once, what's to stop him again? Had you not left (I'll explain explicitly what I mean in a second) and packed up, would he have begged forgiveness or just gone back into complacency and treated you badly? What I mean is, he seems like the kind of person who doesn't learn or change until after the utmost/end all happens. It would take you and him filing bankruptcy to realize he's bad with money. It would take him get a couple knuckles broken from loan sharks to realize he has a gambling problem. I can make more examples, but what I'm getting at is he's not going to learn a lesson until its just too late. Case in point, you're gone and he "realizes the error of his ways".

My most sincere advice is of you really decide to recommit to the relationship, wade in slowly. He needs to be doing 70% to your 30% of the work in the relationship. Work with him on it, if you so choose, but he damn well better be stepping up to the plate with the intent to swing.

And just the way I think, what if there were kids? What about your and his family? I don't know, I wouldn't do it if it were me.


Browsing on Tapatalk from my iPhone :)

From personal experience- If a man cheats, walk away and never look back.

Here's a mans point of view. I have been married 24+ years and have never cheated on my wife. Believe me that in that time we have been through all kinds of highs and lows and everything in between. So I had plenty of excuses for why I could have. The reason I have never cheated is simply that I made a committment and intend to keep it. If the intention changes I will end it before I would be with another person. There is no excuse for cheating. Cheating is a conscious choice one makes and a selfish one at that. I say you are lucky to find out before you are encumbered with the entaglements of marraige. Be done with the bum. There are a million men out there that will treat you badly so if that is what you are looking for you will have no trouble finding another. But if you want something real and committed, you need to look elsewhere. Just my $0.02

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Originally Posted by melodyb1985

and that he realizes he has treated me like crap for a while now and he would do anything to change...i told him i dont know what to do..i told him he had to tell his "friends" that talked him into cheating on me and the sister of his friend that he cheated on me with to not come around no more

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My opinion, this is very telling of him. I highly doubt that his friends talked him in to cheating if he had been treating you badly before. That just feels like a convenient excuse. Leave him, even if you two rebuild your relationship from the ground up it won't be the same. There is an irreplaceable loss of trust you just wouldn't be able to give back to him.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by melodyb1985

do u believe once a cheater always a cheater? if your spouse cheated on you...would you give them another chance in the future? i ask because friday night i found out my fiance cheated on me...and he has been begging for me to forgive him, and told me he didnt know how much he realy loved me and wanted me till i packed my stuff up and left...and that he realizes he has treated me like crap for a while now and he would do anything to change...i told him i dont know what to do..i told him he had to tell his "friends" that talked him into cheating on me and the sister of his friend that he cheated on me with to not come around no more, and that he wanted me and she was a mistake..he did it face to face with all 3 of them....and he changed his number so they couldnt call..but im still not sure if i should walk away from him forever..or be his friend and see if he changess....there are three parts of me ....one says forgive him and he regrets it..i know thats the stupid part of me and i wont do it...the 2nd is walk away and never look back...but even after this i still love him..but the 3rd is give him a chance to prove himself and be his friend...and see what happens with the friendship in a year or so....everyone i asked tells me to walk away and find someone better..but none of them are in stable relationships or have ever been in a stable relationship..and are family so they are going to tell me to leave cause he hurt me..sorry for the ramble..im confused..please i need advice..not hate..i would post on my mommy forum but there all females...and i think a males point of view is just as important

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A male's perspective:

If my significant other ever cheated on me, I would be too devastated and the relationship would be too fractured to ever be repaired. I would cut ties with her completely, and unfortunately the likelihood of cutting ties with her family who I adore and our mutual friends would be inevitable.

That's just me I guess. Lying, cheating, and abusing trust are not qualities I want in a significant other.

I don't necessarily think "once a cheater always a cheater" is true, but I do think "once a cheater, a proven lier, and while cheating is not guaranteed, abusing trust in some form will likely happen again". It's not as nicely worded, but there you go.

Your decision is your own, but I personally don't understand anyone who can continue with a relationship with someone who cheated.