Best Chuck Norris Jokes Ever!

Let's hear 'em - whaddaya got? :banana:

i still like the old one...

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, too bad he never cries.

or...
Chuck Norris leaned on the "Tower of Pisa."
Chuck Norris never got Rickrolled.

and..

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris doesnt do pushups

He pushes the world, down.

Chuck Norris eats his soup with a fork.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris is so bad @ss...He can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris got swept over Niagara Falls...He liked it so much, he swam back up and did it again.

Ghosts sit around campfires telling Chuck Norris stories.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the crap out of it

Did you know Chuck Norris had a role in Star Wars? He was the Force.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

chuck norris girlfriend once asked chuck, how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood. Chuck than roundhoused her and scream "no one rhymes in the presence of chuck norris, don't muck with chuck" a few years later he realized the irony of this statement and burst out laughing, the resulting shock wave destroyed everything within a 100 mile radius

Chuck Norris has actually been dead for 12 years... but Death is too afraid to tell him.

Chuck Norris can get a woman pregnant just by looking at her.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris once shot down a plane by pointing his finger at it and yelling "bang".

There are a ton of funny Chuck jokes and I love em. Just remember to keep it clean:gj:

The Black Eyed Peas were originally just known as The Peas, until they met Chuck Norris.

When a cop pulled Chuck Norris over the cop was lucky enough to get away with a warning.

Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone.

Guns are warned not to play with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was once bit by a rattlesnake, after three days of pain and agony the rattlesnake died.


Love this one:

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books - he just stares them down until they give him the information he needs.

Some people wear Superman pajamas, Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secrets.
Chuck Norris can shatter a paper plate.
Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

They say the worlds wind is an effect of Chuck Norris breathing pattern.

Chuck Norris doesn't own a stove or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris covers his slip and slide with gravel
Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter

when Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, he doesn't get wet...water gets Chuck Norris.

The handicapped sign on a parking space is not meant to be reserved for persons who are disabled, they are, infact Chuck Norris parking spaces...the sign is a warning as to what will happen to you if you park in Chuck Norris' space.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

When Opinheimer stated, "I am death, I am the destroyer of worlds." he was not talking about the making of the atomic bomb...he was refering to his Chuck Norris Halloween costume.

In the beginning there was nothing...Chuck Norris roundhoused that nothing and said, "Get a Job." that is the story of the universe.

Chuck Norris can pee his name IN CEMENT!

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in the periodic table of the elements. He only believes in the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice.

If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5, Chuck Norris has more money than you

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain


... Loving this thread!

If the IRS ever calls your home, answer saying "This is Chuck Norris", the IRS will hang up and never Call again and exempt you from all taxes.

There's a medical term for those who willingly defy Chuck Norris....organ donors.

Chuck Norris doesn't make mashed potatoes. The potatoes get so scared they kill themselves

Chuck can win black jack with 1 card

One of my favorites : The Mayans have predicted that by late 2012, Chuck Norris will sneeze.:rofl::rofl::rofl:

The military has been developing a new weapon stronger than the atomic bomb. They wil drop Chuck Norris from a plane and when he reaches the ground he will roundhouse kick it.

Chuck Norris is so manly he's at risk of impregnating himself.

Chuck Norris invented the C-section when he roundhouse kicked his way out of his mothers womb.

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Oh My freakin' GAWD! i was laughing so hard reading all these i lost what i was gonna add.
i'll have to add some when i can get 'em outta my bf cuz he knows a bunch of chuck norris jokes.

the one that gets me gut wrenching laughter though is this one:

chuck norris doesnt look under his bed for the boogeyman, the boogeyman looks under his be for chuck norris.

whoo wee [trying to catch my breath], ok i gotta go make dinner.

Once chuck norris and mister T walked into a bar, the bar instantly exploded. That level of awesome cannot be contained in one building

A chuck norris roundhouse is the only thing than can create a wormhole

If there was a rip in the fabric of space/time and chuck norris had to fight himself, chuck norris would win PERIOD.

If you fired a gun at chuck norris you would miss every shot, why? because no bullet is stupid enough to hit chuck norris

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Chuck Norris can chew glass back into sand.

At museums Chuck Norris is allowed to touch the art.

Chuck Norris can add injury to insult.

MC Hammer was dissapointed when he found out that Chuck Norris could touch this.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomarang it doesn't dare come back

Do you know how many push ups Chuck Norris has done? All of them

Chuck Norris doesn't own a lawn mower,... he just stands in his yard and dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick round houses into squares.

The Waiting Line for Chuck Norris' Office is better known as "Death Row".

Chuck Norris' fists are named law & order.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fracking Indian.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

And No Offense Southern USA:
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

I don't know if my favorite Chuck Norris joke is appropriate but it involves Optimus Prime and is my favorite.

Chuck Norris was the toughest man on the planet....until he met Big Gunns.:D

Chuck Norris pushes the earth down when he does push ups....unless Big Gunns is on the other side pushing back.:P

Chuck Norris once shot down a plane by pointing his finger at it and yelling "bang". Big Gunns made it fly again simply by looking at it.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice....Big Gunns did it backwards.

Chuck Norris can pee his name IN CEMENT! Big Gunns sweat will make that cement melt.:D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by RetiredJedi

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

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"Waits" for Big Gunns to allow him to sleep.

Chuck Norris broke both his legs in a car accident and still walk it off

Chuck Norris doesn't have a TV he has a mirror instead

Some people can kill two birds with one stone, Chuck Norris can kill 4 birds with half a stone, what's that? You don't think there is such a thing as half a stone? The birds didn't think so either.

Chuck Norris won the world series of poker with Pokemon cards.

Chuck Norris invented rap music when his heart started beating

The first time Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwartzenegger met Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face and he hasn't spoke the same since.

Chuck Norris has heard the actual voice of Charlie Brown's teacher