I messed up big time :( (advice appreciated...)

My girlfriend of 7 months left me again 2 months ago. She basically left me coz "she can't love me teh way I love her" (i know it's kinda cliche...but she's used to dating jerks; her first bf was actually a married man who used her, the other promised to leave his gf to marry her and move down south...also the reason why she left me the first time and I was oblivious about the other guy at the time we first dated).

Anyhows, at her birthday party last year, I met one of her friends; she was pretty and all and I admit that she's attractive...but I couldn't make my move at that time coz...I was still in love with the ex.

Fast forward to almost 2 months after the break up, with the recent storms plaguing the Philippines, I asked her how she managed. We eventually had small talk. Then all of the sudden, she invited me to her exhibit (it's her thesis) and encouraged me to bring her friends and vote for her piece. Oh yeah, when i ran into her again after my visit, i handed her a single rose (I kinda cuss at myself until now...I was pretty much on autopilot and I sorta "woke up" to me handing her that rose)

I've been noticing these little things about her...at the time it was still the ex and me, I'd catch her glancing at me, she was the first in her circle to greet my happy birthday, she would get uncomfy if I got comfy with my ex...and now the invite.

I went there twice anyways (the first time, with my subordinate. the 2nd time, with my boss...), but I feel kinda awkward since it's like everybody there in the exhibit sorta knew who I was (and I never introduced myself!!!).

Now here's where things got interesting....

1) a week before i visited the exhibit, I sent a message to my ex (she hates personal/over the phone "confrontations"...jeez), telling her that I forgave her (again). At first she was thankful that I've moved on. Days later, she went ballistic on me.

2) just last week, she went ballistic on me again; I've been in touch with her friends and she considers it "stealing". I firmly reminded her that her two male friends reached out to me; i never initiated the first contact with those two. Finally, my business with this new girl, is none of her business. She then went on "what makes me think this new girl is interested in me" (the neerrrrve!!!)

Long story short, I feel that the new girl's now uncomfy and hesitant about me coz she asked me to "stop". Of course, I understand the situation a bit well, I decided to give her space...although I feel that it was a waste coz now that I'm finally free to explore that attraction, the ex had to intervene.

NOTES:

1) the girl's older sister is close to the ex

2) the first male friend of the ex who got in touch with me was encouraging me to patch up and reach out to my ex

3) the second male friend who contacted me (fiance of number 1 listed above) actually encouraged me to hang out with their crowd again

4) right now, I've decided to give the girl space...if we're meant for each other, I believe i have done enough on my part coz i feel the ball's in her court now and she'll act...in her own time.

5) I AM prepared to wait...but that doesn't mean I'll be exclusive ;)...seriously tho, I feel bummed that I had a good start and then...this happens :(

I dont get it. Youre single, shes single. If you guys like each other and this has potential to be more than a fling, bet it all. Go all in. Just cause it makes somebody unhappy doesnt mean you have to miss out on something that can be great. Haters will hate, but thats only because their negativity doesnt allow them to have someone to love.

I've been down that road don't waste your time.By the way misery loves company.
Good luck remember your free so do what you want..

What exactly did u mess up? Seems to me that your ex messed this up. You should probably cut communication completly with that knucklehead and quit letting her dictate your life..... She is not with you anymore man, I wouldnt even put up with that garbage if she still was.


It seems like you are just lusting after this other chick pretty hard, Id leave her alone just because she is connected with the ex...... Plenty of other females out there just as good as that one. Do what you do though.

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Originally Posted by STEW

What exactly did u mess up? Seems to me that your ex messed this up. You should probably cut communication completly with that knucklehead and quit letting her dictate your life..... She is not with you anymore man, I wouldnt even put up with that garbage if she still was.


It seems like you are just lusting after this other chick pretty hard, Id leave her alone just because she is connected with the ex...... Plenty of other females out there just as good as that one. Do what you do though.

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Im down with the plent fish in the sea advice, but Ive seen some strong relationships come out of the ex's friend scenario. The only thing he's got to consider is the chance of this newfound romance being more of a "filling the gap" type of ordeal or a genuine thing. Rebounds suck times two cause they leave you hurting from a second ordeal without healing from the first.
Spoken like a true chick, I must be channeling my wife right now.:O

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Originally Posted by pavlovk1025

Im down with the plent fish in the sea advice, but Ive seen some strong relationships come out of the ex's friend scenario.

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This may be true, however, his ex is crazy.....that is obvious. Nothing good will come from this.

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Originally Posted by STEW

This may be true, however, his ex is crazy.....that is obvious. Nothing good will come from this.

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LOL! Yeah buddy. And so the scene is set for a romantic comedy chock full of hijinks and disastrous sabotage played out by a crazy ex. Sounds like a Jennifer Aniston/Ben Stiller/Amy Poehler kind of movie to me.

Personally, I've found that ex's, like any addiction, are best dealt with by quitting cold turkey, and having support to help you through it. Talk to family and friends, but ones NOT associated with your ex in any way. It's the only way you'll ever truly get over her.

I'm confused. If the new girl has said "stop" then you should leave her the heck alone. Not "backing off for now" and not "toning it down".

If your ex is saying for you to stop seeing the new girl, she has no say over what you do, she's an 'ex' not a mommy.

But no matter why you say the new girl is saying for you to stop trying to see her, you should honor her wishes and stop. Otherwise it's called stalking and harrassment, no matter how much you like her, or think she's the one. If anyone says "stop" then you stop bugging them.

Sounds to me like you need to move on, and get away from the whole group. If anyone contacts you, then by all means, have friendships with them. But let the ex go do her thing, and anyone that says they don't want to see you, let them go do their thing.

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Originally Posted by wolfy-hound

i'm confused. If the new girl has said "stop" then you should leave her the heck alone.

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+1

hey guys

Thanks for sharing your inputs.

As for the ex....oh yes. I'm soooo completely OVER her. She drew the line completely when she went nuts on me...twice (once when I said I forgave her without her apologizing...the second time when she found out that her friends have been talking to me). And from what I've seen from her, I bet you all that my wounds have completely healed from that terrible nightmare waiting to happen. :)

As for the new girl...that's the thing. I don't know how to tell her that the reason why I'm making these moves just now is because even though I was attracted to her from the very beginning, I could not coz I was still in love with the ex. Yep. The attraction was that strong...thankfully, I didn't act them out coz I know my commitments. And nope...I haven't contacted her again since she told me to stop. Until now, I still don't know how to tell her that she's no rebound nor a "way to get even" (which I believe is very lame...).

Don't worry; I don't know where she lives and I am definitely not in the mood to make a "stake out" (did I get that right?). hahaha

Seriuosly...I just feel that I messed up coz there's a potentially good start and I screwed it all up by getting carried away and now I never will have the chance to fix things since she told me to stop. :(

Learn from your mistakes.... You should have acted on the attraction when it presented itself, you already knew the one you were with was a nut job.


Dont explain anything to the new girl..... She will slip from your mind and it will be like she was never in it.

Move on to the next.......

I recommend that you just be single for a while. I noticed, with myself, in the past that when I left a bad relationship I took some baggage with myself. As a single guy with baggage your going to end up finding someone with qualities that most likely don't want(or ruining a good reltionship because you have baggage she doesn't want). Sit back and learn yourself, learn what YOU want in a woman. Life is short and you definately don't want to waste it wondering if you chose the "right" one. I have done the friend thing in the past, it didn't work out! Trust me girls have a way of getting into each others heads and just when you think she is the one......You guys are doing good.......You love the way she looks at you.....The ninja mind trick her friends(your ex) played on her will set in! I found my wife when I wasn't looking. Enough of my rant! Good luck on whatever you chose and I wish much happiness.:gj:

breakups are good times to get a dog.

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Originally Posted by STEW

Learn from your mistakes.... You should have acted on the attraction when it presented itself, you already knew the one you were with was a nut job.


Dont explain anything to the new girl..... She will slip from your mind and it will be like she was never in it.

Move on to the next.......

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Actually....I couldn't. I was still with the ex at that time when we first met and I noticed these little things...and things weren't so crazy with the ex back then.

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Originally Posted by mainbutter

breakups are good times to get a dog.

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or another snake... :gj:

http://www.plentyoffish.com

Seriously, helped me with my breakup after 4 yrs.

Can I post that on here? I'm apologizing ahead of time if I'm not supposed to.

I agree to cut all ties with the ex. If the new girl has connections to your ex, she will always be in the middle of things. It's not worth the heart ache. Good luck!!

Don't mean to be the downer here but you might want to find a girl who would appreciate your attention if you're the kind of guy who likes to do really sweet things and focus on your partner. (I noticed that your ex broke up with you because "she can't love you the way you love her" and the new girl is a bit iffy because of your moves.) Some girls like the chase as much as the catch, they don't want to be pursued all the time (occasionally it ends up being creepy when the guy lavishes too much attention on them,) and would like to pursue as well (but not for too long, they'd like to see the fruits of their labor as well.) Yeah I know, complicated.

edit: I realized I read it wrong so here's the revised version.

So give her a little taste of what you could be and let her call/talk to you herself. Do sweet things, girls will notice if you hold doors/pull out chairs/walk on the outside of the sidewalk/guide them through a throng of people. Take charge while taking their comfort and feelings into account.

Hey, you never know. ;)

But if you truly want something, always go for it with everything you have. Don't let something as foolish as fear stop you in the face of love.

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Just my two cents, because people are fickle, unpredictable things. Especially girls.

going out with an ex's friend is/can be a bad idea. it'll only cause problems between you and your ex. move on to a completely new girl so you wont get crap from other girls that might know your ex. know what im sayin?

Your ex is obviously crazy, the other girl is a tool if she asked you to stop because of your ex.

theres plenty of other girls out there. go make new friends, tell your friends to have partys, best way to meet people imo, go to places you can relate to people (like reptile expos :) ), i donno what your other hobbies are, but go be social. you make new friends, it leads to new social groups and that means more girls to get to know. find one thats not crazy this time ok?

I don't think other girl's a tool just because she wants someone to stop pursuing her because it's her friend's ex. Sometimes it's a respect people afford their close friends, even if one of them's crazy. I wouldn't date one of my friends' exes no matter how much we may be right for eachother. They are my friends first, and my loyalties lie with them foremost.

In this case, he only said she is the younger sister of one of his exes friends, not a friend of her herself.

On the other hand, she might just not want to deal with the drama that may ensue, and that's her choice as well. She also has to take into the account that her sister might lose a friend if she did this, and that consideration is also admirable. A girl who's willing to forsake her family's happiness at the drop of a hat for someone else will undoubtedly be able to do so to that someone else in question as well.

If he wants to see if he can change her mind, he should, especially if he thinks she's worth it. No one wants to go through life thinking "what it?"

Sometimes these stories go like this: blink, and you'll miss it.

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Originally Posted by p3titexburial

I don't think other girl's a tool just because she wants someone to stop pursuing her because it's her friend's ex. Sometimes it's a respect people afford their close friends, even if one of them's crazy. I wouldn't date one of my friends' exes no matter how much we may be right for eachother. They are my friends first, and my loyalties lie with them foremost.

In this case, he only said she is the younger sister of one of his exes friends, not a friend of her herself.

On the other hand, she might just not want to deal with the drama that may ensue, and that's her choice as well. She also has to take into the account that her sister might lose a friend if she did this, and that consideration is also admirable. A girl who's willing to forsake her family's happiness at the drop of a hat for someone else will undoubtedly be able to do so to that someone else in question as well.

If he wants to see if he can change her mind, he should, especially if he thinks she's worth it. No one wants to go through life thinking "what it?"

Sometimes these stories go like this: blink, and you'll miss it.

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its makes her a tool because her relationship with someone else is being effected in a obviously negative way by her and she lets it happen.

could someone explain this to me.... why does who i date, my friends ex or not, affect my relationship with my friends? I have a couple friends dating my ex's, i don't care one way or another, I moved on and therefore... why would I care.

It's everyone's preference--If you and your friends are alright with that, then go for it, but not everyone is and that personal preference doesn't make them a tool. I know many people who are fine with it and it works out for them, but I also know many instances where it blew up into a giant debacle.

IF it would negatively affect your relationships with the people you care about, are you still willing to pursue it without a second thought? Some people, maybe that girl included, wouldn't.

Sometimes it affects relationships because it creates animosity between the couple, especially if the breakup was a nasty one (i.e. I don't want you hanging out with him/her because I can't stand him/her) and the mentality behind that would be "why is my boyfriend/girlfriend spending time with someone I hate?" And that would in turn create anger among friends "you're going out with him/her now so you don't want to hang out with me." Some people can't let go of the past, so they don't want to hang out with their friends at the same time as their ex because it can be awkward. Other times it's the worry that the ex will go back to the friend because they once had something together.

Lots of messes--that list can go on and on. But it's their choice, and neither is right or wrong for it.

Wow. So much support from herp fans. *sniff :D

@Vypyrz:

Hahahaha. Now that you got me thinking, once I get my raise, I'm getting that new retic i've been drooling over...

@stratus_020202"

hahaha. will give that a try one of these days. ;)

@Snakeman:

not so sure about this one. If I was the one who dumped my girlfriend, then yeah...I find it "dishonorable" if I started going for my ex's friends. But in this case...I was the one who got dumped (call me a wimp who can handle retics and afrocks but except for 1 of my ex's....I never dump my exes...I always find ways to make "us" work :(...)

@OhhWatALoser:

I know what you mean by crazy. ;)

I agree with you on the dating thing tho; you're already "exes"; who you want to go out with, is none of his/her (or its ^_^...bwehehehehehe) business. Sadly tho, not everybody thinks the same way we do.

As for her "being a tool", I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I don't know how to explain to her now that what I feel for her is genuine...and she's no rebound/a means to get even with the ex.

@p3titexburial

Yeah....I'm THAT type of guy who does hold doors open and helps the ladies to their seats; grew up with 3 sisters and no brothers; they did quite teach me well enough how I should behave around women in general. :D...sadly tho, that's how I attracted my ex (again) after she left the first time :(

As much as I want to reach out to her in two days or weeks, I'm not so comfy doing so as I feel that the "mess" caused by the crazy ex is still fresh. That, and I sorta agreed to hold my end of the bargain to "stop".

I guess time is my ally here. :(

dude im 14 and i havent even had a problem like that but forget her there is more fish in the sea

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Originally Posted by p3titexburial

Sometimes it affects relationships because it creates animosity between the couple, especially if the breakup was a nasty one (i.e. I don't want you hanging out with him/her because I can't stand him/her) and the mentality behind that would be "why is my boyfriend/girlfriend spending time with someone I hate?" And that would in turn create anger among friends "you're going out with him/her now so you don't want to hang out with me." Some people can't let go of the past, so they don't want to hang out with their friends at the same time as their ex because it can be awkward. Other times it's the worry that the ex will go back to the friend because they once had something together.

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Theres 2 kinds of people to avoid

If I read right, your ex left you twice and she cheated?
It doesn't really seem like you're ex cared much about your feelings like you did about hers. But all that doesn't matter because the relationship is over.

As far as "her friends" reaching out to you to hang out, she has no right to tell you that you can't. It is your choice and their choice to hang out or not.

And for this "new girl", it's always hard to start a new relationship with an ex's friend because it comes with a lot of baggage, insecurities, and unwanted drama. Your ex could freak out and make both your lives miserable or she could just get over it. You never know. And I know you said the new girl asked you to stop, you could try one more time if you think she's worth it. If not just move on, live your single life and enjoy it.

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Originally Posted by OhhWatALoser

why does who i date, my friends ex or not, affect my relationship with my friends?

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Relationships ALWAYS affect friends. It's just part of the human dynamic.

I'll be honest, if one of my friends started dating someone hateful, disrespectful, or too offensive for me to tolerate, that would certainly affect my relationship with my friend.

I don't think any of this has much to do with the OP's problem however.

A girl asks you to stop, you stop. Plain and simple.

Hi,

I'd go find a particular video by a band called puddle of mud and play it till my ears went numb and I started laughing.

I'd give you the name of it but I can't on here without having to infract the bejeebus out of myself afterwards. :rolleyes: :D

Then phone a friend and hit the town. :gj:


dr del

@oOJaZZieOo:

yes. she left me twice; the first time, she cheated and i actually forgave her for leaving me both times. She went ballistic on the 2nd time I forgave her tho (kinda off topic but she went ballistic on the 2nd time i forgave her coz she went on something like she never asked for forgiveness in the first place, blahblahblah).

Yes. In that aspect...I can be patient.

@dr del:

actually. I've been listening to this: YouTube - Kyosuke Himuro feat. Gerard Way - Safe and Sound: Full version [HQ] (the song exclusive to the Jap. version of FF7: Advent Children Complete)....until now :D

Hi,

I found a censored version of the song I meant - lacks the punch of the full version but still a good song. :D

YouTube - Puddle of Mudd - She Hates Me


dr del

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Originally Posted by dr del

Hi,

I found a censored version of the song I meant - lacks the punch of the full version but still a good song. :D

YouTube - Puddle of Mudd - She Hates Me


dr del

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LOL! That's a good one.

you're not over your ex, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on an internet forum. i would guess your friends have told you to get over her and you carry on about her.

i've been there, we've all been there.

if you like this new girl, throw out this instant romance junk. be her friend and build a friendship, if it works out, it works out. don't be a whiny child and complain about your ex.

Hmm I guess I'm tad confused. I don't know that I would waste my time with a girl whose not interested at this point in time. In my experience that's a polite way of saying "I don't want to date you" or the cliche of all times "we're better as just friends".

Hopefully I'm on the right page with that advice?