Sometimes I hate him!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BrandiR

That was almost 5 years ago and word from friends/family is that he hasn't touched a drug since I left him. He's had the same job (2 years Max when we were married), he has a fiancée who can't even fathom why someone would leave such a wonderful man. He even got custody of a daughter he fathered via one-night-stand early in our relationship.

Do I wish he would have changed his life before he wrecked a train in mine? Of course. But things don't always work out the way we want. In the end, I had to go. In doing so, I helped him make the choice to get his act together. Now someone else can have a healthy relationship with him and he has a clear understanding of the consequences of his choices. I believe he will make his next wife very happy.

---

My pivotal moment was at Christmas where my sister drove off in the middle of a snow storm and told me and my mom that she wasn't talking to either of us until I was clean.

A month later I was clean and have not even considered relapse. I'm never risking losing my family again.

Hun, I've read through this thread. It took me a little while, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't repeating myself or saying something that has already been said over and over.

Yes, rehab is a good choice, and one that has been suggested. However, if you have ever been on the side of trying to get an addict to go to rehab, you know how hard that is as well. You cannot force someone to go. Deep down, they have to want to go. If they don't see it as a serious problem, they will promise you that they will change and, in doing so, will dodge rehab. So while that is a valid suggestion, I doubt it will be successful in this situation.

We can only control ourselves. We cannot make choices for other people. We can support or not support someone. When broken down, that's what it gets down to. By living with him and providing him with money, you are indirectly supporting him. By walking away, you are no longer supporting him. It's the messy details in the center that make these choices so hard.

I was in an abusive relationship. Only my ex boyfriend's drug of choice was women. Mhmm. He turned to outside sources in our relationship, which isn't unlike turning to drugs. Even though he would come home to me, he didn't want to be with me. There's a difference. If you guys haven't slept in the same room for 2 months, there's a problem. If you can't even talk about money, there's a problem. If there is belittling or accusations going on, there's a problem.

The best thing I did in my life was walk away from that situation. I've heard it all before. I'll change, I'll stop, I'll stop taking money from you, I just need help, it's not my fault, I still love you, I'd do anything for us, I have a problem and need help, I don't want to lose you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry....

Problem is, unless a person is showing you that, then words are just that. Words. They aren't actions. Actions are what define us as a character. Do you hold a door for someone, or not? In that moment, I can tell what kind of person you are. No words required.

By him taking money from you repeatedly, he is telling you what kind of person he is in this moment.

Does that mean he's a bad person? Maybe. Maybe not. Does this mean he'll never change? No, he probably can change. Is he being hurtful at this point in time? Yes.

So while you do love him, you want him to get better and want things the way they were, that's not what you are getting right now. Could he change in the future? Yes, he could. But is he treating you badly now because of it? Yes, he is.

So unless you make a change, he likely won't. He'll probably continue with how things are going now until something drastic snaps him out of it.

Tell him you are leaving, and leave, until he cleans up his act.

If he does, then you know he thinks you're worth it.

If he doesn't, then there was likely nothing you could do anyway and likely avoided a bad situation by walking.

I wouldn't recommend to anyone to break up with someone they live with, or who they love. However, I do believe in putting yourself in the safest situation possible.

You say you are happy 80% of the time. To be honest, in my relationship, I would have said the same.

Looking back, however, and being treated like a princess by my new boyfriend (of 3 years), I realize that I was in major denial. I was more unhappy than I realized in that relationship. I just refused to look past the good times and analyze the negative things.

So take some time, soul search, and make your choice. Ask yousrelf questions such as:

Can I live with this if he doesn't stop? If he doesn't stop, how can I leave?

I am mad at him today. Was I mad at him yesterday, and the day before? How long can I be mad at someone before it's too much?

Would I bring a child into this relationship? If not, then should I really be in this relationship?

Tough questions require tough love. Do what's best for you. And be honest with yourself. It's okay to say you're unhappy, and it's okay to analyze your partner as to possible reasons why that is.

Sorry it haz taken me so long to reply. I work graveyard and I just woke up.

Well just so everyone knows I had a very kind friend at work who bought me a few hot dogs last night so I have eaten now. And a very very kind user on here has offered to send me a few groceries I will not speak names in case he doesnt want it public. I cant thank him enough for his generosity.

All of you thank you to all of you for all your advice.

Here is what happened when I got home this morning. :

I come home to find 3 letters and my husband laying on the bed full in tears (i have never seen this man cry ever). Well I sit next to him and calmly asked him if he was back on meth. He promised he wasnt. I asked again assuring him I would not be angry. He said he promised. I asked him why he had stolen so much money from me and his reply was the first $40 was for pot and when I got angry he had given it all away. The next $20 he stole for ciggarettes and food for himself. He says he lost the other $20. I cant say for not if its true or not but he swears it.

I then told him I no longer trusted him and that I didnt know if I could continue this relationship. He broke down crying asking me not to leave that he needed me, that he loved me. Over and over agaon he said that he was just lost and he needed to find his way again. (my husband has major depression and disassociate identity disorder) he begged me to help him find his way back. So this is where I am now.
I told him I would try that I do love him. But if one sent ever comes up missing again, no if ands or buts I am gone.

Sent from my LS670 using Tapatalk 2

Girl, I really hope yall can work all this mess out. I hope he can find the right path and get straight. I will pray for ya girl just hang in there if you really love him it is worth the second shot. Txt if ya need anything you know I live far from ya but I can still talk to ya

As horrible as it is to see a man cry, it actually sounds like he is putting some pressure on himself now about this issue. It means he realizes there's something wrong, and feeling it.

I think your approach to this situation was perfect, and your responses to him were spot on. It leaves everything in his hands, so he has to make these choices from now on. I agree, if money ever goes missing again, then that's his way of choosing his own fate.

I'm proud of you, even if that pride is just from some random stranger on the internet :)

I hope you two can both find your feet together again.

Thank you so much for the encouragement.

Sent from my LS670 using Tapatalk 2

Well, it's good to hear he's bringing it on himself to change.

I'm not sure about anyone else, but me personally I'm in a...high risk? High...danger job where I can get hurt easily. When and if I do, the first thing is a doctor and then I get drug tested. Now, I've never specifically done drugs but I've been around fumes (not like a concert but in the room while it happened) and I did smoke but quit by my own will.

With the knowledge of I could lose my job if I piss test positive, I'm strongly motivated to not do drugs; even in a college atmosphere.

Maybe that's the...situation created by you saying you'll leave if he keeps up. Which, could be a good thing!

You're definitely in my thoughts, girly. Hope everything turns out positive.


Browsing on Tapatalk from my iPhone :)

I am just really glad to see that he is sorry for what he has done instead of ignoring you or brushing you off.

I still think it would be wise to open an account in your name only, and put all your money for bills there to avoid this in the future.

I only have a bank account in my name. I just definetly wont be carrying cash anymore.

Sent from my LS670 using Tapatalk 2

The way the money was spent, doesnt add up...I would ask if he would be willing to go to the doctor and take a drug, if you have a feeling he isnt telling the truth.