Any stepmoms?

[Ginevive]

I am.. going to me.. a stepmom! I am coming to grips with this. I don't know if it is from Disney movies, but I have this horribly bad image of stepmoms. I knew countless friends who had horrible ones. Mine was pretty snotty until my dad got his second divorce..
Mark is spending more time with his daughter now (she is 13) and for example, she is cmoing over tomorrow. Any suggestions as to what to do with her? I am not a kid person, though she is pushing the envelope into teendom.. I want to be friendly, but also make sure that it is clear to her that she can't just do whatever she wants in my house.

[stangs13]

I am not a step mom. But i am a teenager! Give her some space. But don't forget to be yourself!! Don't be timid. I cant stand when people are timid to me, because I am a teen. Hope this helps some!

[ADEE]

not a step-mom, i just wanna give you lots of good luck and ((hugs)) big position to take on, im sure while its going to be tough you will be great

[Ginevive]

Thanks mark does not have custody of her, but in the past years he has tried a lot to make effort to see her/pick her up.. but she is busy a lot! I don't know who is busier, her or he..

[frankykeno]

Jen we have what is nicely called these days "a blended family". Basically my three older kids have a step-mother (through their father's remarriage) and a stepbrother as well as a step-father (through my remarriage) and a half-brother. It can get complicated. Mix that into a typical teenage girl's moodiness and you've got a situation ripe for problems.

Basically I'd suggest you and Mark sit down and decide your house rules before she ever comes over for a visit. Then let Mark do any "enforcing" that needs done. Your role really right now should just be to see that Mark and his daughter have lots of time together with and without you. Be a friend and older female for his daughter to come to know and trust. If issues come up, then you and Mark can decide what to do as a unit (teenagers will play the divide and conquer game as do almost all kids...even with their birth parents).

Also put yourself in her place honey. It's got to be uncomfortable around you if she doesn't know you well and you are competition for her daddy's attention and time. Try to make her feel welcome and that you support their relationship. Make sure they have one on one time without you around but also some family time for all three of you...eventually one on one girl stuff with you and her. That's the best first steps I think anyone can take as a step-parent.

[Shadowspider]

I'm not a step mom but I have a step dad and my husband is a step dad. As a teenager who suddenly got a "new parent" shoved into my life (I'm not a teeager anymore of course, but was when my mom re-married) there were some things that I hated more than anything:
1. The step trying to "play parent" with me, IE, trying to envoke their "authority" over me in "no uncertain terms".
2. The step trying to "be my buddy". Look pal, I don't know you, I don't love you, you belong to my mother (or father) not me so stop trying to suck up.
3. The step trying to take the place of the "missing parent". You are NOT my mom or dad, you are my mom's, or dad's husband/wife... let's leave it at that.

For a teenager and yeah, 13 qualifies, it can be nearly an impossible endevoure for a step to be invited into their "world". I use the word "invited" intentionally because basically, that's what has to happen. It is nearly impossible to be parent/friend at the same time but that is exactly what a step *needs* to be able to do.
To this day I can't stand my mother's husband and I DON"T consider him my "step dad" or even a part of my family... all because he tried to play hard ball with me and "straighten me out" according to *his* standards.... big mistake, especially with a teenager.

Don't smother her. Don't shy away from her either but... well, keep it "professional" for lack of a better word. She doesn't know you nearly as well as she knows her mom and dad and thus, she is not going to trust you. Also remember, respect is *earned* not *given*. That is a two way street. Don't expect her to respect you right off the top, you will have to earn her respect just as much as she will have to earn yours.... age and experience are moot in matters such as these.

Don't treat her like a kid. She's 13, chances are, she's going to want to be treated like an "adult"...do so. If she screws up, let her know it, but ALWAYS remember to let her know it when she's just being awesome! That is what will help build a foundatioin for a good relationship between the two of you.
If you have seen "step-monsters" first hand, then you already know what to *not* do.
I totally agree with Jo, let Dad do the enforcing of the house rules, it will work out a lot better and if she's going to get mad, she'll be mad at Dad rather than "the new chick".

Take several deep breaths, be who you are, don't hide your personality from her and just be willing to be honest with her but be gentle.

[frankykeno]

Excellent post!

My only other advice as the non step-parent is don't ever get between Mark and his daughter for good or for bad. Their relationship can include you but it doesn't necessarily have a thing to do with you either, you need to be okay with that. Don't let them put you in the middle of their issues and never put Mark in a place where he feels you has to make a choice between you and his daughter. It's VERY easy to say "oh I wouldn't do that" but honey....it happens to every one of us at some point or other in little and big ways and you just struggle through it. It's not easy and sometimes you wonder if it's worth it. It is and does get better usually or it just settles into a pattern and it is what it is, for better or worse.

[recycling goddess]

it sounds to me like you don't see her much... so i wouldn't worry so much about rules... i'd be more concerned about making it a fun happy time for her and him.

and... i really really dislike the term 'step'... you are NOT a step... you are a person!

i don't allow that term to be used in our family... their 'new' dad is their dad. plain and simple. yes, they may have two dads... but it doesn't make either one any less real.

we use the term "daddy dave" or "daddy michael" (for example)

just my opinion...

[Shadowspider]

Good point(s) Aleesha.
I hadn't thought about the "step" part for a long time until you brought it up. See how you are... making me think again... shame on you!

I don't like the whole "step" thing either, but I dislike it less than "half" sibling. My oldest brother is my "half" brother, but... no he's not, he's my "brother", plain and simple. Sabena's siblings (my oldest daughter) are her "half" siblings, but... no they aren't, they are her brother and sisters. I think the same goes with parents. While yes, Mike is Sabena's "step" father, he's also her "father" because he loves and cares for her just as much as if she were his biological daughter. However, Mike came into our lives when Sabena was 2 and they bonded almost immedately so he is by all means "Dad" to her as well as her biological father.
My problem when my mom got re-married wasn't the "step" part, it was the "dad" part. I did not feel as though it was fair to me to have some guy that I didn't hardly know being *pushed* per se' on me as a "dad". To me, that title is a "rite" and one that must be earned.... he's never earned it.
I think that to consider a parent a "step" or "another" or whatever is fine. The thing is that the child must be allowed, in my opinion, to decide whether or not they *want* to call the new parent "mom" or "dad". That's another thing that got to me, my mom insisted that I call Richard "Dad".... not a chance! My dad's name is Charles, not Richard and Richard can NEVER equal up to my "dad", thus, he has not earned the rite of "Dad".

*Edited because my mother's husband's name that he generally goes by got censored!

[Ginevive]

I am definately backing off and letting them spend time together. The only time I would get authorative is if I saw her doing something that could harm something I own.. but she is older now and I don't see her, for example, playing with knick-knacks, etc. or opening snake tubs of mine.. that sort of thing.
She is Very into horses, and loves snakes. I have to spend time alone with her tonight (Mark has to go to traffic court.. heh; doing 65 in a 55..) and I think that I'll get her into seeing the snakes; maybe feeding a few.. and I will bring in the horses so she can groom them, etc. She knows how to be around them after spending 2 months at a riding camp.. and she is Very into art and drawing also. I will let her use my desk and a few paints/pencils if she wants to.. I am eager to see what she can put out. There are a few things (like riding the 4-wheeler, target shooting,etc) that I am not touching though; Mark can do that, and set limits on that, etc.
I am definately Not going to get all mushy and try to press into her as a mommy figure; if she sees me as she would an aunt, or even a family friend, that is fine.