You name your rodents things like "Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner."
You tell yourself you don't look stupid while people are watching you flip rotted boards hunting for snakes on the side of the road.
You pretend that there really is a good reason to flip boards by the side of the road while people stare like you're crazy!
People come to your house and ask "What is that smell?" and you reply "What smell?"
You spend countless hours inventing stupid things like this.
You've ever warmed up your leftovers on heat tape.
You're CHICKLESS!!!
You drive around on recycling day looking for the biggest piles of newspaper & feel guilty and sneaky when people look out their windows & come out yelling at you for stealing!
Your girlfriend gets mad because you spend way too much time in the Rubbermaid container section dreaming of ways to use them, yet give her a 2-minute limit when she's buying clothes!
You can go into someone's house and pinpoint the exact location of a decaying rodent.
You find a dead mouse that your friend planted in the bottom of a mayonnaise jar & laugh while eating your tuna fish sandwich. Yeah, good one...munch munch (nothing grosses us out).
You do your best to give the guy wearing snakeskin boots your dirtiest look & start to wonder if you could get off on just manslaughter.
You can speak Latin well but have never taken a formal Latin course.
You buy car loads of bark mulch but could care less about landscaping.
You want world peace, to save the environment, a cure for AIDS and a better way to kill mites.
Your neighbors watch your house closely during hatching season when they see people entering empty handed & leaving with small boxes, and then report you to the police as a drug dealer!!!
People ask you to pack the truck when they move because YOU have the uncanny ability to fit more fish tanks and sweater boxes into the smallest space available.
You can get to the center of the newspaper on the first try.
There is always enough room on your credit card to buy another herp, but you ignore your bills.
You are foolish enough to do this as a business & actually thought you might make a living at it.
People spend big bucks to get rid of rats & mice and you spend bigger bucks breeding them.
You're friends with a guy who owns a large reptile facility & invest all of your spare time trying to help him keep it going.
There is always space to set up yet another cage for your next herp.
You stop in a pet store just to look at the reptiles and end up buying a fake plant for a buck so you don't look stupid.
You spent your last dollar on a reptile book and don't get paid for another week!!
You drive an hour to a zoo just to visit the herps & buy a reptile shirt to wear tomorrow.
Your freezer contains more dead mice than ice cream.
You buy 100-watt bulbs by the case.
You keep your apartment at a constant 85F, with lights pointed at the couch to make a 95F basking spot.
You sex fruit flies when you're at a grocery store.
Upon seeing the Vanity Fair issue with the picture of Cindy Crawford naked, with a boa around her, the first reaction of my herper friends was "Nice looking snake, distinct markings...must be Boa constrictor constrictor...looks like a Surinam."
You see someone walking their Chihuahua or Yorkshire and think "hmm...snake food."
Your friends need to pull at least three guinea pigs out of the fridge when trying to find the salami.
You go through the store checkout with 18 different fruits and veggies, none of which you plan to eat.
You judge the quality of a garage sale by the potential herp housing units for sale.
You get regular shipments of thousands of live crickets & your postman just rings the doorbell, drops the box and runs.
Everyone you know says "Why on earth do you want to go to DAYTONA, FLORIDA in AUGUST every year??"
Your husband tiptoes in to check on the baby Northern blue tongues every night just to "see how cute they are sleeping."
You get a sunburn and worry that your shed isn't coming off in one piece.
You've sold your soul to the produce manager in exchange for dandelion greens.
You sleep on the couch but have a lovely reptile setup in the bedroom.
You've said "Are aquariums all right?" to a prospective landlord and don't own a single fish.