popping in to see how all doing still taking it rough and even rougher on after I lost my oldest glider in beginning of September.. Still no contact with her and My life has consist of basically , cleaning house the best i can were I staying ( to help cover my room and board) , not able to find employment as It seem that me needing to use a cane or walker most the time turns them off.. It sucks I know how to do many things and even with my increased physical limits in the last year or so it almost impossible to for me to find a job i can do. which sucks cause i still like to build and repair pcs, and I increased my knowledge into 3d printers. The place that putting up with me keep yelling at me to slow down and not push myself so hard each day. not realizing that if i not busy I think about her and get upset and depressed. I am basically doing everything I did when I lived with her ( outside of working (Walmart 7a-2p) 5 days then coming home doing what I can there plus I cook and try to be there to run her anywhere she wanted at her request. but I was leeching and lazy. ) ) I come to realized I been pushing myself too hard and now I am having more issues than before( health ) and such, not sleeping much, badly depressed , lonely, no motivation, and everyone like get on a dating app and find yourself someone.
I am like who wants a depressed almost 50 crippled that probably close to being in a wheel chair that can't work and ( in my book ) not good looking, strong nor has money or his own place. I have a feeling I am only 1-3 falls down the steps to being in a wheel chair or broken to point it be best to shoot me... lol I never wanted to be a burden to anyone and I feel that my wife began to think i was one and being reluctant to see a doc about it the issues. Even if i warned her when we were dating.
I know I have used and abuse my body for 4 decades doing things I knew I should not of and when I started to slow down I just force myself to deal with it and kept going.

Don't get me wrong, I do regret a lot of it now. I can say I was on pain meds for almost a decade when I met my wife. I got off and don't like to take anything these days, even if it feels like I got a red-hot knife in my back and legs just from going to grocery store for a few items. I rather suffer and be in pain,and limited movement ( or falling cause the body wants to give out ) than take something most days.