For me, priority is
Disposition > Finances > Looks
As others mentioned, you can check your local herp societies, that way you're liable to find adults with established personalities at a low/no cost. Otherwise scan whose coming, contact them in advance, ask for animals you're interested in seeing. Might just be our local ones, but usually they haul a few adults along per vendor.; retired breeders, friend sales, etc.
Ask for the sweetest/friendliest snake and go from there.
re: the BEL --
This might just be me since they're not my cup of tea but I think given your wife's concerns and the age of your daughter, you might need to plate looks in favor of disposition. The good thing about this is, you can make this a hobby with your daughter by buying a snake that breeds into a BEL, pair it with another appropriate snake later, and then your older daughter you can have a (bred) BEL made from a snake she's known since she was a child. If she hangs onto that for that long, she'll be able to care for the animal for 30 years and it'll be special to her. And if she gets bored of it in 2 months, it's a much smaller investment than a BEL who might turn into a nightmare personality wise. That's the best compromise I could consider, so your wife's not worried about a snappy animal, you're not worried about finding a BEL with a non-flighty personality in such a small pool, etc.
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