Need advice..

[I-KandyReptiles]

Im an adopted child. My grandmother fostered me since I was 7 days old. She tried to adopt me when I was older, but they told her she was too old. Basically she got her daughter to adopt me so they could keep me:

My grandmother is a wonderful person, but hates confrontation.

5 years ago she let her son, his wife and 3 kids move into her basement. Since then, they broke up and his wife and two kids now live in town.

Her son is a despicable person. He claims he can't work because he hurt his neck. The government gives him over $1500. He doesn't work, just sits downstairs, plays video games, watches tv, and smokes drugs and cigarettes.

He has no respect for my grandparents. My grandfather is 87, and his health is failing. No one in the house smokes other than him and myself but I go outside. Grandma even had a doctors note saying the smoke isn't good for my grandfather but he still continues.

He makes my grandmother buy him food, smokes, and he uses her vehicle, on HER gas. He doesn't do anything around the house.

He comes upstairs and drinks all the coffee she buys for the Kerig. He doesn't buy any, but drinks all the ones she buys for papa.

He's even physically attacked his brother when Kirk (the brother) was drunk. Which resulted in Kirk falling down a flight of stairs.

He has a 16 year old daughter who lives with him. She's basically his slave. She cooks, cleans, and looks after him. He pays her back with alcohol and drugs.

Yesterday he came after me. Told me I'm trash, I'm useless, no one loves me and they all feel sorry for me. Says I'm fat and lazy and threatened to beat me.

She heard everything and did nothing.

I'm at the point where I just want to leave. My dilemma is that he will be able to continue using her without having someone there. He truly believes its HIS house.

I don't know what I expect for a response. I guess I just need to vent. I'm stressed, and angry.

[bcr229]

I don't know how old you are, but it sounds to me like you need to move out ASAP. Your grandparents either can't or won't change status quo - if their son uses them it's because they permit it. There's certainly no reason for their loser son to change his life. So, all you can control are your actions.

Save up your cash and rent a room somewhere, and in the meantime secure any valuables that you have in the house so the druggie doesn't steal your stuff to pay for his habit.

[Kensa]

Sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm sorry you have these issues to deal with in life. Unfortunately, no one is immune to the trials and tribulations that come along.

As the previous poster has said, the son really has no reason to change his behaviour if your grandparents don't force him to. If they keep enabling his behaviour nothing will change. All you can do is take your situation and make the best of it, or move out. Don't allow his words to influence your self-esteem or cause you to change your behaviours. A man who is old enough to have a 16 year old daughter should be more than capable of renting (or even owning) his own residence, and be able to support at least himself, let alone his dependents.

It sounds to me as though he is hanging out in his dungeon until your grandparents are no longer around, as he figures he will then inherit the house and vehicle(s). By lashing out at you, he is trying to get you to move out so that he will have free run when the time comes. From the post, I assume he is not an only child (you mentioned a brother Mark), so hopefully your grandparents don't leave him anything. Maybe that will be the wake-up call he needs.

From what I have read of your posts, it seems like you are a very well-rounded person, with a good head on your shoulders: it's a shame they didn't do as good a job of raising their son as they have raising you.

[I-KandyReptiles]

I don't know how old you are, but it sounds to me like you need to move out ASAP. Your grandparents either can't or won't change status quo - if their son uses them it's because they permit it. There's certainly no reason for their loser son to change his life. So, all you can control are your actions.

Save up your cash and rent a room somewhere, and in the meantime secure any valuables that you have in the house so the druggie doesn't steal your stuff to pay for his habit.

A friend and his coworker will be renting a 3 bedroom town house and have allowed me to have a room. Because of my collection of snakes, they're willing to give ME the master bedroom. Although it may not be till July or August, but it will give me plenty of time to save up.

Sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm sorry you have these issues to deal with in life. Unfortunately, no one is immune to the trials and tribulations that come along.

As the previous poster has said, the son really has no reason to change his behaviour if your grandparents don't force him to. If they keep enabling his behaviour nothing will change. All you can do is take your situation and make the best of it, or move out. Don't allow his words to influence your self-esteem or cause you to change your behaviours. A man who is old enough to have a 16 year old daughter should be more than capable of renting (or even owning) his own residence, and be able to support at least himself, let alone his dependents.

It sounds to me as though he is hanging out in his dungeon until your grandparents are no longer around, as he figures he will then inherit the house and vehicle(s). By lashing out at you, he is trying to get you to move out so that he will have free run when the time comes. From the post, I assume he is not an only child (you mentioned a brother Mark), so hopefully your grandparents don't leave him anything. Maybe that will be the wake-up call he needs.

From what I have read of your posts, it seems like you are a very well-rounded person, with a good head on your shoulders: it's a shame they didn't do as good a job of raising their son as they have raising you.

He's delusional. Once my grandfather passes, grandma will be selling the house and getting her own apartment. I don't know how he hasn't heard her mention it the millions of times she's said it. Also, there's a mortgage, so even if she DID leave him the house, there's no way he could afford it.

My aunt, grandmothers sister, says that my grandmother is scared of her son. I guess he reminds her of their father. Everyone in the family wants him out.

[Kensa]

I'm glad to hear that you have a plan for your own place. And yes, it does sound like he is delusional.

By the sounds of it, you would be looking for your own place eventually anyway when your grandma moves into an apartment. This just gives you more of a reason to speed up the process.

Hope you don't end up moving the weekend of August 24-25th: WCRE in Red Deer that weekend. With the few expos we get here in Alberta, I'm sure you wouldn't want to miss the biggest one

[I-KandyReptiles]

I'm glad to hear that you have a plan for your own place. And yes, it does sound like he is delusional.

By the sounds of it, you would be looking for your own place eventually anyway when your grandma moves into an apartment. This just gives you more of a reason to speed up the process.

Hope you don't end up moving the weekend of August 24-25th: WCRE in Red Deer that weekend. With the few expos we get here in Alberta, I'm sure you wouldn't want to miss the biggest one

Why hello, fellow Albertan. I WILL be at the WCRE. I have already booked my hotel and my grandmother and I will definitely be there

[Kensa]

Glad to hear it! I have lots of family in Red Deer, so I won't be needing to spend money on a hotel room fortunately. Maybe we will bump into each other.

And I find it really great that your grandma shares a passion for this hobby with you!

[BrandiR]

Contact your local equivalent of Department of Human and Family Services. I'm not sure about Canada (a quick google search indicates that there are laws there too to protect the elderly), but in the United States, DHS will step in on situations like this just like they would if a child was being abused.

Whether or not your grandma's situation would meet the legal definition of abuse, I'm not sure. If a report is made and someone looks into it, they may find that you're uncle is just a jerk and not in fact an abuser. If this is the case, they won't take any kind of legal action. But it would still open the door for your grandparents to utilize the system to learn that this isn't cool and it isn't acceptable. I'm sure grandma would be put in touch with groups or individuals who are dealing with the same thing that would help give her the courage to stand up for herself.

Abuse isn't just physically beating someone. What you've laid out here is obviously a very condensed version of what's been happening over the last few years and the proper authorities may very well find that your uncle is harming your grandparents and in turn force him to move out of their home.

I agree with everyone who suggests that you should remove yourself from the situation too. However, I know how much you love your grandma and regardless of what you're saying here, I don't believe for one second that you could move out and leave her there with him without taking steps to ensure that she's ok. So, this is just a suggestion of what you could maybe do to help with that.

[BrandiR]

Contact your local equivalent of Department of Human and Family Services. I'm not sure about Canada (a quick google search indicates that there are laws there too to protect the elderly), but in the United States, DHS will step in on situations like this just like they would if a child was being abused.

Whether or not your grandma's situation would meet the legal definition of abuse, I'm not sure. If a report is made and someone looks into it, they may find that you're uncle is just a jerk and not in fact an abuser. If this is the case, they won't take any kind of legal action. But it would still open the door for your grandparents to utilize the system to learn that this isn't cool and it isn't acceptable. I'm sure grandma would be put in touch with groups or individuals who are dealing with the same thing that would help give her the courage to stand up for herself.

Abuse isn't just physically beating someone. What you've laid out here is obviously a very condensed version of what's been happening over the last few years and the proper authorities may very well find that your uncle is harming your grandparents and in turn force him to move out of their home.

I agree with everyone who suggests that you should remove yourself from the situation too. However, I know how much you love your grandma and regardless of what you're saying here, I don't believe for one second that you could move out and leave her there with him without taking steps to ensure that she's ok. So, this is just a suggestion of what you could maybe do to help with that.

I wasn't trying to cuss right there. I didn't realize you can't say "a whole".

[I-KandyReptiles]

Thanks Brandi, I'll definitely be looking into that.

I just came home from work and see he's taken grandmas van again and is making the 2 hour drive to go pick up his drugs with his daughter. Seems grandma will be needing to put more gas in the vehicle again.