Need to talk to someone, feeling hurt and angry over my daughter and sports.

[angllady2]

Ok, I know this is ridiculous, but sometimes it helps to talk {type}.

So a little background first. My husband ran cross country in high school, although he wasn't bad, he never got very far. He has always tried to push our kids to do something he loved, kind of re-living his high school glory I guess, or wanting them to be the kind of athlete or whatever he never was. Which has always struck me as kind of stupid, but I pretty much ignored it since the kids were never really interested in living his life for him. Until my daughter started running. Now my daughter can run. To watch her is amazing, she is so graceful, so fluid. You can't teach someone the grace she has. And I have always encouraged her to do what she likes.

Fast forward to her starting high school, and daddy sticking his big lame nose where it did not belong. He decided that at last one of his kids was going to follow in his footsteps and be the high school hero he never was. Which kind of irked me, but after so many years of marriage I tried to just let it slide. Until she started getting hurt. I tried to get her to back off a little bit, not quit, but just ease off before it got serious. Which of course made her dad furious. He was determined she was going to have the kind of glory he always felt he should have had. So despite my best efforts to mediate between them, she ended up get hurt so badly she had to quit running at all. Which as you can imagine made me pretty mad. It was completely unnecessary for her to push herself that hard, and the xrays said she'd have the damage for life.

Fast forward a little further. It's time for track and field to start at school. Against my judgement my husband told my daughter to try out for the team. And despite a lot of pain, she made the team. Now for weeks on end I have watched her limp home after practice and ice her bad leg. I've seen her come home with bruises and nasty cuts and burns from falling. And I keep getting steadily angrier. I try and talk to her, try to get her to understand that to do this much damage to herself is not necessary, nor is it smart. About the time I get her to listen, he dad starts in with the fastest time and breaking records and all this crap. Which by the way he never came even close to holding a record of any kind, he wasn't that good. And then she starts pushing again, and she starts getting hurt again. She's damaged both legs internally to the point where walking for even half an hour makes her limp noticeably. And the more I try and make sense, the more her dad steps all over me and tells her I don't know what I'm talking about and she could be great, she could be remembered forever as the best in her school. Which I find ludicrous to the point of insanity.

Today she had a couple of races. Big ones. I believe they were regionals? Or districts? One of those two. And guess what? With daddy there cheering her on, she keeps running even when she knows she's hurt, and comes home not even able to walk. And dad wants to know what ER to take her to. So I loose it. I am so mad I can't see straight. I demand to know why she kept running even when she knew she was hurt. I want to know why she insists on hurting herself like this for no reason. Que the blow up from hubby who accuses me of always dragging her down instead of supporting her. To which I scream something about always supporting her, but that she needs to understand that no stupid school race is worth permanent injury. Que the crying daughter who is just trying to make daddy proud of her no matter the cost, and que some more screaming from me to the effect hubby is another word for a donkey and he has no right to try and live a life he never had through our daughter. Which of course provokes more yelling from him about me being another word for a female dog and a lousy mom and I've always wanted our kids to fail at everything. At which point crying daughter screams for both of us to just shut up and it's her life and if she want's to spend it in a wheelchair as long as her name is on the record board at school then she'd spend her life in a wheelchair. At which point I tell them both they are the biggest idiots I've ever seen and far from being mommy's little girl she takes after her mule headed father and so be it I hope she likes having to wear a metal brace on her leg for the rest of her life and she can get her useless dad to take care of her because I've had enough.

Then daddy carries her out to the car and off they go to get xrays.

And I'm sitting here in my living room crying and alone and not knowing what to do. And after a little while, I do the only thing I could think of. I came here to get it off my chest. I don't really expect any replies. And if I get any, I'm sure they aren't going to be anything I want to hear. But just saying{ typing} it out loud has helped. I have no idea what I am going to do when they get home. Maybe I will just pretend to be asleep, so I don't have to listen to them anymore tonight. I'd have something to drink, but I don't drink so...

Anyway, if you bothered to read this, please don't hold it against me. I am not a pleasant person when I am mad.

Gale

[BrandiR]

Why would anyone hold it against you? I don't necessarily believe your husband is wrong, obviously his side of the story isn't here. The bruises, track rash, those things come with the territory. Whether your husband is "pushing" her or not, any runner who's trying is going to fall down and get banged up from time to time. The other injuries you describe, permanent internal ones, those don't sound like par for the course.

Based on what you've said here, it sounds like you're just being a mom. We don't like to see our babies in pain of any sort, regardless of the circumstances. That doesn't make you a horrible person, it just makes you the maternal psycho that we all are

While it sounds like your husband is trying to live vicariously through your daughter, it doesn't seem like that's why she's doing what she's doing. You didn't mention anything about her not wanting to run track or being afraid of hurting herself. It kind of sounds like they're in agreement. Honestly, if it came to my daughter actually doing long term harm to her body, I don't care if she loved what she was doing, I might not allow it anymore. I'm really not sure if I'd choose to let her pursue her passion or if I'd shut her down. Again, moms turn bat-crap-crazy when one of our kids gets a bruise! I don't envy your situation at all!

However it turns out- she sounds like a determined little bad ass and you should be very proud of her ambition, even if you're not comfortable with what she's doing with it.

[dsirkle]

I can understand why you are so upset and worried about your daughter doing permanent damage to herself.
And it is a shame for this to be happening on the eve of Mother's Day.
You have not mentioned your daughter's age. If she is still a minor it is your duty to do what you can for her best interests.
If she is still a minor and you take your concerns to the school (especially in writing) the school would likely feel compelled to have a Doctor examine her and declare whether she is fit or not to continue participating in track.
Your husband is not the World's first parent to live out their sport fantasies through their children.
Also you stated that the x ray last year showed that she can't run at all, yet she is competing.
Could it be that you are honestly fearful yet wrong?
In any case if you bring your concerns to the school and force an examination of her injury that should settle the problem one way or another.
Don't let fear of your husband and daughter's reaction stop you from doing what is right.

[Mike41793]

Gale,

First, the facts... The coach should not be allowing her to run, nor should the teams trainer. If she has permanent injuries like you described I can't imagine her being cleared to run. Does the schools athletic director know of the situation? You NEED to contact them. Anytime there was an injury the trainer was the first one called. I can't imagine all three of these people saying "oh no shes fine, let her run. Being able to walk when you're 30 is overrated anyways!" And if they are, then shame on them for not doing their job.

Secondly, my blunt opinion... Your husband is being ridiculous. If he wants to relive his glory days then tell him to take up jogging or something. Girls at that age have hormones going so haywire that of course shes going to want to please and make her daddy proud. Daddy needs to be a man and be proud of his daughter regardless of whether or not she follows in his footsteps. I'm not a father but I couldn't imagine pushing my child to that extent. Its one thing if the kid scrapes their knee and you tell them to get back on the bike. Its a whole different story if they have a gaping, gushing wound and you say "rub some dirt in it". Your husband is being downright selfish, plain and simple.

If you ever need to rant anymore, feel free to PM me. You always seem so nice, seeing you upset is no fun

-Mike

[angllady2]

Well, I feel better having you guys.

A few clarifications:

She is 16, so yes she's a minor. Second, all three of her coaches and her trainer all know about her injuries, and they all still push her. The school is one of the worst in the state for sports, and they all see her as the ticket to the big time. It disgusts me.

She wants to run, she loves it. And I am fine with that. What I am not fine with is her getting hurt like she does. She has deep muscle scarring on her left leg from cross country, and who knows what tonight's xrays will turn up? I understand bumps and bruises, heck I do that in my own kitchen. But the reason she falls so much is because of her injured leg, and everyone but me just keeps pushing her to keep going.

I just feel like the only voice of reason, and I'm getting drowned out by everyone else telling her she could be one of the best if she just ignores the pain and tries harder.

Gale

[Mike41793]

Thats a joke. I'm not sure how it works exactly but that school needs to be reported to the state or something. Thats ridiculous.

What i would do then is sit her down, just you and her. Calmly, no yelling or pressuring, explain and reiterate what the doctors have said. Treat her like an adult. If she decides on her own to keep doing it then so be it. I would talk to your husband one on one too and really explain to him your concerns. I'm not sure how, but if there's anyway to get him to tone it down too then he really needs to. When she gets married does he want to walk her down the aisle or push her down the aisle in a wheelchair? Will he carry her everywhere for the rest of her life? Does your daughter have any interest in getting her license? Forget driving if you have no use of your legs.

[BrandiR]

Well, I feel better having you guys.

A few clarifications:

She is 16, so yes she's a minor. Second, all three of her coaches and her trainer all know about her injuries, and they all still push her. The school is one of the worst in the state for sports, and they all see her as the ticket to the big time. It disgusts me.

She wants to run, she loves it. And I am fine with that. What I am not fine with is her getting hurt like she does. She has deep muscle scarring on her left leg from cross country, and who knows what tonight's xrays will turn up? I understand bumps and bruises, heck I do that in my own kitchen. But the reason she falls so much is because of her injured leg, and everyone but me just keeps pushing her to keep going.

I just feel like the only voice of reason, and I'm getting drowned out by everyone else telling her she could be one of the best if she just ignores the pain and tries harder.

Gale

There's a difference between ignoring the pain and and ignoring permanent damage. Has her doctor released her to participate? Is it even legal for her to participate in school sports against doctor's orders?

I'm not 100% clear. Does her doctor believe she should not run? I originally thought maybe you were overreacting and assuming the damage was worse that it is. My initial thought was, "Well, the school wouldn't let her be in track if she didn't pass a physical." But it's starting to sound like she can't pass a physical for track and they're letting her do it anyway?

If that's the case, there are a lot of really selfish adults involved here!

[Mike41793]

If that's the case, there are a lot of really selfish adults involved here!

This shouldn't surprise you, brandi. Lol

[DooLittle]

However it turns out- she sounds like a determined little bad ass and you should be very proud of her ambition, even if you're not comfortable with what she's doing with it.

This I totally agree with. And I know as a momma that is so hard to see her hurt. I do think though, that you don't want to hold her back either. Support her and be her number one fan. I'm wondering too, if its that bad, the coaches and what not should not allow her to run. Falls and bruises are going to happen. But if its serious, that's another story. If it were me, there's no way I would have let her go to the hospital with out me. Grumpy husband or not, he could kiss my ass, an arguement is not going to keep me from my baby. Don't let that drive a wedge between you and your daughter.

Don't go to bed, and pretend you don't hear them. Stay up and make sure your daughter knows you are concerned about her and want to make sure she's ok. Give her a kiss, and tell her you love her. Because it does sound like she wants to do this for herself, not for him. So support her dreams, while protecting her health and well being, and you and hubby keep your difference of opinion on the matter between the two of you. That way she can make a decision about it without any pressure.

Tension and arguments are not fun. I would talk to doctors and coaches, then you and hubby talk. Without her around. She doesn't need to see the fighting. Come to terms, some agreements, or same ground. She needs you guys united and strong.

I hope this all works out ok for all parties. And I know sometimes just having a shoulder to vent on can make all the difference in the world. Feel free to pm me anytime.

[Dracoluna]

Well, I feel better having you guys.

A few clarifications:

She is 16, so yes she's a minor. Second, all three of her coaches and her trainer all know about her injuries, and they all still push her. The school is one of the worst in the state for sports, and they all see her as the ticket to the big time. It disgusts me.

She wants to run, she loves it. And I am fine with that. What I am not fine with is her getting hurt like she does. She has deep muscle scarring on her left leg from cross country, and who knows what tonight's xrays will turn up? I understand bumps and bruises, heck I do that in my own kitchen. But the reason she falls so much is because of her injured leg, and everyone but me just keeps pushing her to keep going.

I just feel like the only voice of reason, and I'm getting drowned out by everyone else telling her she could be one of the best if she just ignores the pain and tries harder.

Gale

I read the post and it's scary how close it is to the situation I faced in high school. I was good enough at soccer that as a freshman, was offered a starting spot on the varsity squad. This was my dream at the time as I'm uber competitive and LOVE soccer. The issue was I'd pushed myself in the private league I'd played in for years and gotten to the point I had no cartilage left in either knee at the age of 14. Despite the doctors telling me I couldn't run/play, I ignored it and pushed myself to train. My mom put a stop to it with a call to the school stating I was not allowed to play. I'm pretty sure I cried and called her every name in the book. For about 4 years, I held it against her and was a sulky teenager. Now at 30, I've not had knee surgery despite the doctors telling me I shouldn't be able to walk though I do have to wear the lovely braces with hinges on them some days. Looking back, despite being angry with her, I'm glad my mom made that decision. Had I played, there is a very good chance I'd have knees that weren't my own or worse, forced to wear braces/wheelchair-bound. Because of what she did along with diligent physical therapy, I can walk and even jog on soft surfaces. With the damage your daughter's doing to herself, you need to follow your instincts despite her love of it. As a teenager, you see the love and the passion for the sport which drowns out the reality of you still have the rest of your life to live. That's where parents have to come in and though I swore she'd shattered my dream back then, my mom saved me because I'd be miserable if I couldn't move and walk around normally. Hope that gives you some support and maybe sit down with the doctor and your husband to really look at what's happening. Maybe if he hears things like she'll be in a wheelchair at the age of 20, he'll come around to reality. A parent's job is to raise and protect their child even if that means protecting them from themselves.