Ditto Swansonbb's comment. You don't have to feel this bad. I guarantee you don't deserve to, and there are ways to pull yourself far enough out of these feelings to start taking better care of yourself. During my rough times, therapy and meds were very helpful.
Once you start to feel a little bit better, your successes will snowball and it will be easier to continue on the right track. Please don't give up on yourself, and do get the help you need. Best of luck in the work ahead.
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