Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related

[TheSnakeGeek]

i lucked out i guess.. while my mom doesnt understand why i like snakes and it doesnt make sense to her, she accepts it. my dad on the other hand has more than i do. lol but i've had friends and dated superficial people and maaan can they be frustrating. since most of them werent blood related they're all but memories now. but i wish you the best of luck. i dont have much more to add than what everyone else has said, but i would definitely wait until tempers have cooled off and then try and reason with her. angry people usually dont reason their best.

[FoxReptiles]

I would give your parents time to get used to the idea, but you should also stand your ground. You've done nothing wrong and you sound like a responsible adult. Unless you've had a pattern of being irresponsible throughout your adolescence, they should give you the benefit of the doubt and try to support you rather than treating you like a criminal.

I'm pretty lucky I suppose. My wife doesn't love my animals but understands the hobby. My mother loves my snakes and wants me to give her a pair of dumbo rats (I had to tell her I think she has too many other more demanding pets right now herself... 3 dogs and 2 birds is plenty for her until her hip replacement!) My in-laws know about my hobby and at least feign interest even if they don't fully understand why a person would do what I do.

The only person that is a bit negative is my sister. But she just wont go into my snake room and I can respect that. She has horrible dreams about snakes trapping her on top of her refrigerator for some reason... But she never called me weird for doing it. =)

My kids are definitely on-board with both snakes and rats in the house! Even my cats love the other critters in the house...

[Kaorte]

Thanks everyone,

My dad responded to my email and seems a little more relaxed about it. He just said he doesn't want to hear about it which is fine with me.

I still need to talk to my mother at some point. Her birthday is coming up at the end of this month... I'd like to get her something but I have no idea what :/

[BrandiR]

Thanks everyone,

My dad responded to my email and seems a little more relaxed about it. He just said he doesn't want to hear about it which is fine with me.

I still need to talk to my mother at some point. Her birthday is coming up at the end of this month... I'd like to get her something but I have no idea what :/

Let me start by saying, "HOLY CRAP!" She "caught" you owning unconventional pets, not running an escort service, dang! Anyway...

I get the impression that you and your mother are just very different people, neither one of you bad, just different. Maybe for her birthday you could offer her a "Let's Get to Know Each Other Day". When you have another opportunity to visit her, just the two of you spend a day doing what she likes. You got get your hair done, your nails, let a stranger rub your feet, which I wouldn't do in a million years, but I digress...

During this time, you don't talk about reptiles in any way, shape, or form. Well, unless mom spots a snakeskin clutch that she just can't live without. (Simmer down, folks, that was a joke). You spend the entire day indulging your mother in whatever it is that makes her happy.

In return, you ask her to sit down at the computer with you for however long and you walk her through all of the reptile related things that make you happy. Maybe you could ask her to accompany you to a couple of pet stores and actually look at the snakes. You're bound to see some less than stellar care and you can talk to your mom about what is wrong with it, how it should be, and why. Who knows? At the end of the day, maybe she'll come to understand why you care about stupid snakes. And maybe you'll learn things about her that you never knew.

[Vasiliki]

Had this happen with my boyfriend's family. I've wanted reptiles since I was a child (A butter corn snake, to be exact!) When I started dating my boyfriend, I realized I was in a financial situation where I could support this hobby. So I picked up a Crestie to start, due to ease of heat. Then I got a Leopard gecko as my first 'heat needing' reptile. Then a Gargoyle gecko. Found my dream snake and picked her up. Shortly after that, my breeder released a Pied male holdback for me, my second holy grail.

If you're keeping count, that's three geckos and two snakes. The Pied is a hatchling. The corn snake is my monster girl.

The family knew about the geckos, but once they found out I had snakes, the same thing happened. Judgement, freaking out, telling me I must be doing something illegal. Statements get tossed around like: "I've seen that show on TV! One bite and you're DEAD! Why would you do that?!" "Don't you know that that python will eat your cat if it has the chance?" "Why would you endanger yourselves like this?" "What's the point?" "Is this a cry for attention?"

All you can do is stand your ground during the emotional outbursts, tell them politely that you can give them information if they want it, but don't attack you for something you haven't done wrong. You can't force your mother to understand. No matter how many times you tell her, if she doesn't want to hear it, she's not going to listen. Period. All you can do is provide the invitation, the information and the willingness to talk to her. But she has to make the first step. Until they ask a question, the wall is going to be up and your attempts to 'educate' will fall on deaf or judgmental ears.

I invited my fiances family to come visit me during one of our educational events (I'm part of a local reptile society and we hold 4-7 public events every year). His parents didn't come, but his sister and brother-in-law did. They brought friends too. Once they started asking questions, holding them and seeing them in person, the judgments changed to curiosity. It was great. Since then, sure, they'll make passing comments whenever I mention wanting to get another one. But they don't lash out like they used to. Baby steps. I don't bring up my reptiles in conversation. I let other people ask questions. If they get rude, I stop answering questions. So it's all up to them and whether or not they want to change. If they do, great. If they don't, then that's their choice.

[Don]

Take a deep breath. I am not going to be very popular with this post and have been debating even posting. I'm probably your parent's age (if not older) and can some what see where they are coming from. First, it sounds like you are in an apartment. Does your landlord know you have these pets? Are they allowed in your lease? Your dad is right to question the legality. No father want's to have to bail out their kid and incur legal bills. But, he didn't say anything about your lease. It would not be very good to have the landlord knock on your door and tell you all the snakes have to go.

Second, why did you not tell your parents (when they were providing some financial support) that you were buying snakes? Sounds to me like you probably knew what the reaction would be. Looking at it from their point of view, that secrecy and hiding part of your life can hurt. If your parents are providing any support (insurance, cell phone, etc.), then who distinguishes what money goes to what item you buy? If you can afford expensive snakes, why can't you afford to pay your own bills? So, your mother does have a point. She may not be expressing it very well and I don't agree that she should shut you out like she has. I don't know her or how to advise you to heal the wound, but understand there is a wound there and it isn't all about hating snakes. Though, I suspect that the issue being snakes may be a catalyst in amplifying her emotions.

It appears that your father is coming around. From the sounds of it, your mother was looking at it from the sand point of control. She probably feels that she was sending you support and you used that support to hide purchases of things she does not approve of. By withholding that support (financial and emotional), she may be attempting to regain some of that control. I think you are correct to give her time to reflect and calm down.

Sorry, I don't mean to be throwing cold water on your hurt but thought a fresh look at it from a parent's perspective (of older children) might look at it. I hope you can get it all worked out and keep your animals. Also, hope you don't look at my post as any type of an attack - just a different perspective. Good luck.

[Kaorte]

Take a deep breath. I am not going to be very popular with this post and have been debating even posting. I'm probably your parent's age (if not older) and can some what see where they are coming from. First, it sounds like you are in an apartment. Does your landlord know you have these pets? Are they allowed in your lease? Your dad is right to question the legality. No father want's to have to bail out their kid and incur legal bills. But, he didn't say anything about your lease. It would not be very good to have the landlord knock on your door and tell you all the snakes have to go.

Second, why did you not tell your parents (when they were providing some financial support) that you were buying snakes? Sounds to me like you probably knew what the reaction would be. Looking at it from their point of view, that secrecy and hiding part of your life can hurt. If your parents are providing any support (insurance, cell phone, etc.), then who distinguishes what money goes to what item you buy? If you can afford expensive snakes, why can't you afford to pay your own bills? So, your mother does have a point. She may not be expressing it very well and I don't agree that she should shut you out like she has. I don't know her or how to advise you to heal the wound, but understand there is a wound there and it isn't all about hating snakes. Though, I suspect that the issue being snakes may be a catalyst in amplifying her emotions.

It appears that your father is coming around. From the sounds of it, your mother was looking at it from the sand point of control. She probably feels that she was sending you support and you used that support to hide purchases of things she does not approve of. By withholding that support (financial and emotional), she may be attempting to regain some of that control. I think you are correct to give her time to reflect and calm down.

Sorry, I don't mean to be throwing cold water on your hurt but thought a fresh look at it from a parent's perspective (of older children) might look at it. I hope you can get it all worked out and keep your animals. Also, hope you don't look at my post as any type of an attack - just a different perspective. Good luck.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I don't see it as an attack at all.

My landlord is 100% aware of my animals and I OK'd it before I signed my lease. The animals are written into my lease. His kids have even come over on multiple occasions to see them

I notified them when I got my first snake and they immediately told me to return it. This hurt a lot especially since I have had animals (even a reptile) all my life. Living on my own I just wanted something to take care of. Eventually I convinced them that a pet snake is not a big deal and I could easily afford to take care of it with the money I was making at my job. From then on out I just neglected to tell them anything. It was a slow accumulation. I never had more than 6 while I was in school and they were supporting me. I started to expand my collection once I was out of school and had my own job. But I never used money intended for bills/school for anything pet related. I understand there is no way to determine whose money was used on what, which would upset me too if I was in their position. But does that mean I cannot purchase anything for myself as long as they give me any sort of financial assistance?

I have offered to pay for my insurance and cell phone multiple times. I even tried to get my own phone service this summer (after I had a job) but they insisted they would pay for it. What am I supposed to do when they insist on paying for a way to communicate with me? I am financially capable of taking care of myself. I have no problem taking over my car insurance and cell phone, I just wish it came to provide me with independence, not as an attack. :/ It hurts that this is her best idea of how to solve the "problem". If my parents want me to support myself, I will gladly comply. I've actually been looking forward to the day where I am completely financially independent of my parents simply because I don't like their rules that they push on me.

I mainly just wish she would talk to me about it. I really do feel bad that I lied, but I lied for something I love doing because I know my parents wouldn't understand my reasoning. She will have to forgive me eventually. I am an adult and I can take care of myself and my zoo.

[Kaorte]

Let me start by saying, "HOLY CRAP!" She "caught" you owning unconventional pets, not running an escort service, dang! Anyway...

I get the impression that you and your mother are just very different people, neither one of you bad, just different. Maybe for her birthday you could offer her a "Let's Get to Know Each Other Day". When you have another opportunity to visit her, just the two of you spend a day doing what she likes. You got get your hair done, your nails, let a stranger rub your feet, which I wouldn't do in a million years, but I digress...

During this time, you don't talk about reptiles in any way, shape, or form. Well, unless mom spots a snakeskin clutch that she just can't live without. (Simmer down, folks, that was a joke). You spend the entire day indulging your mother in whatever it is that makes her happy.

In return, you ask her to sit down at the computer with you for however long and you walk her through all of the reptile related things that make you happy. Maybe you could ask her to accompany you to a couple of pet stores and actually look at the snakes. You're bound to see some less than stellar care and you can talk to your mom about what is wrong with it, how it should be, and why. Who knows? At the end of the day, maybe she'll come to understand why you care about stupid snakes. And maybe you'll learn things about her that you never knew.

We are extremely different people.

I wish I could do something like this, but I'm not sure the next time I will be able to see my family. I wanted to vacation in Florida with my mom sometime in the next few months... but that depends on her attitude.

I can only hope that she will eventually need to understand why I have this hobby and will allow me to explain. I know a fair amount about snakes and I love talking about them... to the right people.

[Don]

Steffe, it is hard for parents to let go of their children. That support they have been giving you, is the only form of control that they have left over you. They offer to pay your phone as a way to say we want you to stay in touch - at least that is what they try to tell themselves. They pay your car insurance as a way of saying I want you to be safe - also what they tell you and themselves. Some parents have trouble knowing the difference between being in your life and controlling your life. I know because I had issues with it when I was leaving the home. That financial help is coming with a pretty big emotional price tag. If I were you and if I had the resources, I would cut the financial tie as soon as possible. They can not force you to take their money. You may find that your complete financial independence changes the relationship in a good way. They will then know that they can not control you and the relationship will go to a different level - one of respect and one in which you treat each other as adults, rather than parent and child. As long as they provide financial support, they will feel that they have the right to exert some control.

Glad to hear about your landlord. Good luck!

[Kaorte]

Steffe, it is hard for parents to let go of their children. That support they have been giving you, is the only form of control that they have left over you. They offer to pay your phone as a way to say we want you to stay in touch - at least that is what they try to tell themselves. They pay your car insurance as a way of saying I want you to be safe - also what they tell you and themselves. Some parents have trouble knowing the difference between being in your life and controlling your life. I know because I had issues with it when I was leaving the home. That financial help is coming with a pretty big emotional price tag. If I were you and if I had the resources, I would cut the financial tie as soon as possible. They can not force you to take their money. You may find that your complete financial independence changes the relationship in a good way. They will then know that they can not control you and the relationship will go to a different level - one of respect and one in which you treat each other as adults, rather than parent and child. As long as they provide financial support, they will feel that they have the right to exert some control.

Glad to hear about your landlord. Good luck!

This is exactly what I think is happening, thus why I have no problems being financially independent. My parents are incredibly controlling. I was a difficult child, not in the sense that I did bad things or misbehaved, but I was very frustrated with their controlling personalities and took it out on them. If I got bad grades, I was grounded. If I yelled, I was grounded. Most of my high school career was spent being grounded. I wasn't allowed out after school on weekdays... ever. They controlled every aspect of my life, and tried to control as much as they could long distance while I was away at school.

My pets were like my secret escape from their control. At the time, what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them.

I hope to eliminate financial ties by the end of the year, possibly sooner.

Oh and I am moving to a new place this month, which will help cut down my cost of living. Also I will be my own landlord! Hooray