Holiday trouble with my family :/ Snake related

[Kaorte]

I knew this would come and bite me in the behind at some point, but I had really hoped it wouldn't occur during Christmas dinner with my entire family.

As you all know, I have some snakes. I have been slowly revealing the number of snakes I have to my family, but it isn't anywhere close to the actual amount because when someone says they have 27 snakes.. someone is bound to overreact. I live in Chicago and my family is all in SE Michigan. I went back this past holiday to spend some time with my parents and family. I brought my boyfriend (also a snake lover) with me and overall, it was a nice time.

Until my mother revealed over Christmas dinner, in front of my whole family, my copious amount of snakes. Apparently sometime over the weekend she discovered my Hugs and Hisses Facebook page (see link in signature) and was horrified by what she saw. I realize that this reaction has a lot to do with the fact that my mother is completely unaware of the reptile world. She has no clue that people own and breed snakes as a hobby or as a business.

I rarely talk about my animals with my parents, because I know they don't understand or care about them. It wasn't my intention for my mother to discover them over the internet, but what's done is done. I don't live in their house, I don't take their money, I support myself and my animals. I have a college education, I have a job in my field, and I pay my bills. I am not an irresponsible person.

I do feel bad that I lied to my family about my animals, but part of me doesn't feel bad. Everything was perfectly fine before they found out, and now they are acting as if I am some sort of criminal. They are convinced that I am doing something illegal and unsafe. They think I am putting myself, my job, and the people around me at risk by having these animals. It makes me feel so awful even though I know it isn't true.

I hate fighting with my parents and I thought with me out of school and being on my own, the fighting and the pestering phone calls would stop. I'd really like to build a better relationship with my parents, and it just seems like they can't do their part. My father has been more understanding, although he still thinks I am breaking some sort of law. My mother on the other hand is furious.

She is convinced I have been using "her" money(I use her lightly because she has not worked a day in her life in at least 15 years) to fund the care for my animals. While I was in school we budgeted out a monthly allowance for my rent, utilities, and food and $50 spending money. It was just enough to cover the cost of living. The $50 would normally go to school supplies, movies, or going out to a restaurant. The only money I ever spent on my animals was my own. I always had a job while I was in school and always used the money from my job to pay for my hobby. I assure my parents of this, but they still think the money was going towards my "useless" pets.

I feel like crap. I feel like my mother hates me even though she was so glad to see me just a little over a week ago. She won't talk to me, won't hug me, won't really acknowledge me at all. She wants to cut off my health insurance and cell phone that they have been paying for. I am completely fine with this, but I wish they didn't feel the need to cut me off because I have a strange hobby that I neglected to tell them about.

I know she is just worried.. like a mother should be. I just have no idea how to talk to her about this in a way that is going to convince her that my lifestyle is acceptable. We are just complete opposites. She is very superficial and likes shopping, getting her hair done, manicures and pedicures. She cares so much about her appearance toward others. I on the other hand, don't give two shakes. We just don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. What is important to her is trivial for me, and what is important to me is useless to her.

I just don't know what to do. I was talking on the phone with my dad, sobbing, for about an hour yesterday. He explained why they are concerned but also noted that he didn't really care what I did as long as it was safe and legal. I sent him this email this morning:

Dad,

Here are some websites that further explain pet regulation (specifically reptiles) in Illinois and Chicago. As far as I can tell, I am not breaking any laws. I'd love to see evidence that suggests the contrary because I have not been able to find anything in my 4 years of reptile ownership.

http://www.bornfreeusa.org/b4a2_exot...ls_summary.php (scroll down to Illinois)

http://www.bornfreeusa.org/b4a2_exot...state.php?s=il

http://chicagoherp.org/nomenu.php This article is very thorough.

Currently there are no laws restricting specific species of non-poisonous reptiles. There is a law prohibiting the sale of non-poisonous snakes over 6', but that would never apply to me. There are also no laws regarding the number of reptiles one can keep in their private residence, even within Chicago.

Please take the time to read some of these articles when you have time. I want to assure you that I am doing nothing illegal. I have done this research in the past and discussed the laws with other chicago and Illinois reptile keepers. If they knew it was illegal, they would not be doing it.

The community I am apart of online is very strict with people legally keeping reptiles. If anyone on the site is known to be breaking any laws, they are banned. I've seen it happen. I know that in New York City, you are not allowed to own any pythons or boas. I know that in Ohio, they have placed a ban on many exotic reptiles because of a specific incident. I keep up with the news and proposed bills regarding my pets.

http://usark.org/

There are people like me all over the country working to make sure keeping their pets stays legal. The people I associate myself with would NEVER advocate keeping of any animal in an illegal way. We frown upon those who give us a bad reputation. We encourage new owners to read their local laws to make sure they are operating within the law. We don't want bad publicity. We hate these horror stories about snakes escaping and hurting people and young children. It breaks my heart to hear things like this because it is a situation that is so easily prevented with proper handling procedures and secure cages.

I really want you to understand that I am serious about this. My reasons for not telling you that I had so many reptiles was simply to avoid this over reaction. I know people whose families have disowned them because of their love for these amazing animals. I am the same person I was just a few weeks ago. Nothing has changed. I have my life together and I can handle what I have. If ever there comes a time where I feel overwhelmed or my financial stability is compromised, I will re-home my animals. I understand that this situation is possible and I am prepared for that.

I'm not asking you to agree with what I am doing, but I ask you to respect my hobby. I take it very seriously. I've done my homework and I know what I am getting myself into. If you don't want to talk about it anymore, that is fine by me.

I have encountered many people who don't understand my love for reptiles and often I cannot convince them as to why I think it is reasonable. I don't ask them to understand. I don't mention it in conversation unless someone else brings it up. I have a lot of knowledge regarding these animals and when prompted, I love to talk about them. I understand and respect peoples right to dislike them, so I don't advertise the fact that I have 20 snakes.

When I do decide to sell animals that I have produced, I assure you that I will go through the proper legal means to do so. I am confident that nothing I am doing is against the law. I know this must seem like the strangest hobby of all time, but it is important to me.

I'm afraid to talk to mom. I know she is very upset with me and I don't think I will be able to change her mind

Love,
Steffe

PS: I'm truly sorry that I lied about this part of my life, it was not my intention to hurt anyone. It was easier to keep it secret and to not have people judging my actions and lifestyle.

What do you guys think? What could I possibly say to my parents to convince them I am doing nothing wrong? You guys know me here. You know I'm not a bad person. I'm a responsible keeper and I care deeply about my animals. I don't ask my parents to be involved in them, or even talk about them if they don't want to. I just don't want them thinking I am some sort of criminal or animal abuser. I'm just at a complete loss...

[DooLittle]

Boy, that sucks. I'm sorry to hear that. Seems some people you just can't get through too. It almost seems that unless you are part of it, you just can't understand it. I wish I had something helpful to say. My grandparents think we are crazy, they always ask me if one of the pythons could "squeeze" my daughter. Maybe your mom will settle down after a bit? I know I have gotten tired of defending things I believe, when it comes to my family (not snake related). I finally put my foot down and said enough, I don't need all the drama, and this isn't ok, so until you can get over it, don't call. Long story, and I know that may not be the answer for everyone, but I am lots happier without all the drama.

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[Zombie]

A bit of an overreaction IMO on your families part. My mother absolutely despises snakes. Terribly afraid of them, and even has nightmares about them. This last season I invited her over to show her all about my snakes, breeding business, etc. I even scheduled her visit on a clutch cut day so she could be apart of that. She was fascinated by the time she left. Would she own a pet snake, no. She does however now have a better understanding of snakes. Our relationship has gotten better because of this.

I would try and explain the hobby to her. Reiterate that none of their money has been used for your hobby. Ask her if she would like to come over and spend a little time learning about the animals. Eventually, I would imagine, she will come around. With all the hoarding, animal cops, etc. shows on TV, they may just be worried and misinformed

Wish I had more advice for you. I do wish you luck and hope everything turns out good for you...

[Ridinandreptiles]

My mom is cool my grandma isn't. Well she is cool enough as long as she never sees them she's okay. I don't have any advice to offer except send my condolences

[h00blah]

Wow.... I can't imagine what you're going through Steffe. Honestly. I haven't really had anyone tell me that I'm a bad person for keeping snakes.. The worst thing someone has told me was that I'm weird, and it was from someone who I could care less about.. Heck, my grandma HATES HATES HATES snakes, but she never told me to put the ipad away when I was showing her the pictures of your queen bee or axanthic lesser, or any of Brock Wagner's stuff. She would simply nod and say "how pretty". I love and miss that woman....

You have no reason to apologize to your mom. She sounds like she's being extremely immature and judgemental. You are absolutely right in every way. Especially when you say that she's not doing HER parental part in supporting you and whatever you do. I'm sorry you have to go through this Steffe . It sucks so bad that the people who should really NEVER judge you are coming down so hard on you for doing something FUN, LEGAL, and SAFE. I don't think talking to your mom and convincing her of anything will help. She seems like she's made up her mind and that's that.

Your dad sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders, so I would start by getting him to try to talk to your mom. It's good that you gave him a ton of information and showed him that you know what you're doing. I don't think showing that stuff to your mom would really convince her of changing her mind. Your dad probably knows how to handle it by now, and hopefully settles her down .

[Kaorte]

Yeah, I am hoping that given some time, she will decide that in the grand scheme of things it really isn't a big deal. It doesn't affect my relationship with my family and I'd like it to continue that way. Yes, I have a strange hobby. That doesn't make me a bad person. And trying to convince me I am doing something illegal when I know I am not makes me feel like they will only accept me when I am reptile free.

They always tell me that I am a smart person.. but then they make assumptions that I haven't looked into the legality of what I am doing and I am being unsafe. I take pride in my hobby and I would never do anything to hurt anyone. I have good intentions and a good head on my shoulders and I am able to take care of myself. :/

I just want to be independent, not cut off from my family!

[Kaorte]

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. I really appreciate it. And to those who read my novel up there, thank you for your patience.

I know I am right, and I am going to hold my ground through this ordeal, but deep down all I want is to be close with my mother, who always seems to be pushing me away unintentionally. My mom is not in the best of health and is going to need surgery this summer. I hope I can amend things by then so I can be there for her when she needs me. I hate that she is being so judgmental. It makes me feel like a monster.

I really hope my dad can talk some reason into my mom. As I was leaving to drive back to Chicago, I heard them yelling inside.. it sounded really nasty and I knew it was about me. I know my dad understands I am an Adult and I am going to do what I want. He just wants to make sure I am being safe, which I most definitely am!

I hope at some point I am able to share this awesome hobby with my family.. but it doesn't look like that will happen any time soon. Most of my family is accepting, it is mostly my mother who has completely overreacted. She has even suggested cutting off my cell phone service even though I have insisted multiple times in the past that I can pay for my own phone (they always insist on paying for it).

I mean, I can think of 100 other things that parents can reasonable be angry at their children about. But this? Having pets that you love to take care of? I know I have a lot, but it is nothing like having 20 cats. People don't even notice I have snakes until I point it out.

Sigh...

[DooLittle]

Good luck, and know we all love ya, and don't think your doing anything wrong.

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[Kaorte]

On the bright side, I am moving this month! Officially And we will have a reptile room/craft DIY project space. I'm so excited to move!

[MrLang]

Tell them the snakes have been the first successful replacement hobby to your previous crack addiction.


Wish I had more to offer. That sucks...