I will be handing this out in a few years...

[RPlank]

Dad's Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all your friends
are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this
issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure that you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on
her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful,
like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyeshot. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose
down parka---zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic
or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are
okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I
am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel,
and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over the rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in
my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit
your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password
and announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early. Then return to your car---there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[emroul]

LOL Again, TOO FUNNY!

More! More! These are HALARIOUS! They are most definately making my day (or night)

Jennifer

[Wizill]

oh randy. please don't be one of those fathers that puts the boyfriend on the spot like that. my gf's dad is like that, and it's just scary. :o

[RPlank]

We gotta know how you will act under pressure! If you run away screaming, and peeing yourself, you aren't the one for her! :mrgreen:

[Ironhead]

True story.....I gave a similar list to my oldest daughter's first boyfirend with a couple of extra provisions...He lasted 2 day's. He told my daughter he wasnt ready to put up with a man that was going to rip his head off and $#!* down his neck if he did her wrong. After that boyfriend she warned each of her other boyfriends ahead of time what to expect. Kinda backfired though, here she is at home, 21 year's old and a single mother. Dont get me wrong, I love my grandaughter as much as I do my own children..But the father is LONG gone because he think's i will kill him if i get the chance. He is allmost right. I will all BUT kill him.....But dont tell him..haha

[Hoomi]

Our Rabbi used to be an outlaw biker. He still has his "colors" and the tattoos. I used to kid my daughter that when she started dating, the Rabbi and I were going to play "Good Dad, bad Dad". I would meet the young man and tell him something like, "Hey, I trust my daughter and I'm a pretty progressive thinker, but the Rabbi over there" (who would, of course, be wearing his "colors" and probably doing something like cleaning a large gun) "sees her as if she were HIS daughter. I'm really afraid that if you hurt her in any way, the Rabbi will call his old biker buddies, and we'll be lucky if we EVER find your body!"

My daughter just rolled her eyes and said, "I'm NEVER going to go on a date!"

[Kara]

Sigh...

Thank you for that all-too-personal reminder of why I had NO social life in high school.

K

[Kara]

By the way Randy...if you get a female retic now, she should be big enough to eat any boys you don't like when your girls are old enough to date.

Just a thought.

K

[RPlank]

Hhhmmmm....I LIKE that idea! Maybe the wife will buy off on that!

[Jeanne]

HAHAHA- I printed those out and decided to keep those, my daughter is coming up on the dating age, so we figured it was a good way to lay down the laws. I think it is important that we protect our daughters from the things boys do and say while they are young and we still can. Cause once they grow up, we only hope they learned from it and are stronger for it. And from listening to my sister who is still single, it is getting rougher out there.