Need some advice

[Kinra]

I need some advice and you guys (and girls) have been great in the past.

I'm in another situation where I don't know what to do with my sister. This morning my sister informed me that she was going to be having a date over on Sunday. This is a guy she's never met before and has only talked to online. She has been doing this fairly frequently lately so I just rolled my eyes keeping my opinions to myself. She saw and asked so I voiced my feelings that having strangers over to the apartment makes me nervous for my reptiles. Bare in mind that I never said she couldn't have him over.

She didn't like that I voiced my opinion and started berating me about how I could trust her to know better and that they never touch the reptiles. To me that's not the point. Having some stranger in my house with my couple thousand dollar reptile collection makes me nervous, plain and simple.

Not only that, but I feel like when she has guys over I have to stay in my room. I don't want to intrude on her date. Staying in my room means that I can't take care of my reptiles while she has company over and I can't watch anything on my TV. It would seem rude to clean cages or force someone I've never met before to watch a movie or show I like but they may or may not. Staying in my room is my choice but doing anything else seems weird. I am glad that I finally got notice someone is coming over, usually she tells me an hour before hand.

The fact that she got mad at me for voicing my opinion really irritates me. I don't ask my sister for much in terms of rent, she has to split the electric bill and pay for half the groceries. None of which she has done as of yet. She did buy groceries when she first moved in but since then hasn't had a paycheck to contribute anything. I pay all of the rent, I have paid for the groceries since that first time, I pay went we go out to eat or go to the movies, I've been buying her cigarettes, I pay for the phone, internet and TV, I drive her everywhere she needs to go, I pay for her cats... In short I pay for everything and she finally has a job now and is getting her first paycheck today. I haven't asked her to pay me back for anything. I did ask her to buy some groceries this week and you would think I asked her to chop of her hand. She started complaining about how she really wanted to get a tattoo so I let it go and used what I had left for money to buy enough ramen noodles to last until I get paid again on the 13th.

I don't feel like I did anything wrong by voicing my opinion. I am starting to feel like I am being taken advantage of by my irresponsible younger sister. She does help out around the house some and she seems to think that makes us even or is some type of huge help to me. I did it all before she moved in and honestly what she does isn't much. She loads and unloads the dishwasher (but refuses to listen to me when I ask her not to put the pots and frying pans in there since they aren't dishwasher safe), and she helps me feed the crested geckos but I honestly prefer to do that alone. She gets mad when I take 1 minute to check on them all as I change out their food. She also takes my dog out, but she does that because she doesn't want to be outside alone as she smokes a cigarette.

I don't know how to make her see that she's acting like a spoiled brat. When I was her age I was going to school full time and working almost full time to pay half of the rent, utilities and food for the apartment I was staying in with my then boyfriend. I also don't know how to make her understand that I have thousands of dollars in reptiles, not to mention my home theater system which I paid a lot for when I bought it 3 years ago, and her bring people she doesn't really know over makes me super nervous.

I'm just beyond frustrated and don't know what to do.

[olstyn]

She's freeloading - if she acts in any manner other than being grateful, she's pushing it, IMO. Tattoo before paying bills/paying you back? How about no. I don't understand why she can't have this date elsewhere, especially if it's someone she hasn't met in person before. I'd be nervous, too, regardless of the reptiles; I just don't like bringing complete strangers into my home. If she wants a say in how things are and/or the right to bring people there, she needs to be paying her share of the bills. If you don't want to make her pay you back for past expenses, that's your business, but she needs to be paying her own way now that she's got a job, and you have absolutely no reason to buy cigarettes for her. Why pay to feed her addiction? Tell her she can buy them herself and/or quit smoking (preferably the latter, as it'd be better for her anyway).

[swansonbb]

I am starting to feel like I am being taken advantage of by my irresponsible younger sister.

You are being taken advantage of, and you know it. My guess is that you also know what you should do about it, even if you're not ready to admit it. If you allow her to continue to behave this way, it's on you. She probably moved in with you for some sort of perceived freedom - the problem is, it's still your house, your rules. Living with someone, be it parents, siblings, roommates or significant others demands that you treat them with respect. She needs to learn that. The only way she will is if you make a big deal out of this, even to the point of telling her to move out.

Good luck, I know it's not easy.

[Coleslaw007]

I'm reeeeally not trying to be a jerk here but frankly you need to grow a pair and lay down the law. If she wants to have a date over they can deal with you doing what you want in your house. Frankly I would've gone off on her about getting a tattoo before rent. She's acting like a spoiled child and she need to grow the freak up. I would personally lay out a plan in writing with her of the exact amounts and dates of payment expected of her now that she is earning an income. Also some house rules. If she violates these you need to treat her like any landlord would and give her a notice that she needs to pay up or get out. In essence quit being a pushover, I understand you're trying to be nice but she's walking on you.

[Kinra]

Thanks everyone.

You are right swansonbb, I do know what I need to do, but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm very used to letting people walk all over me unfortunately. I need to stop treating her like she's my little sister I need to protect and start treating her like the adult she is (or should be).

Tonight I will be laying down some rules and failure to comply with these rules will ultimately result in her eviction from my apartment.

The reason I have only asked her to pay half of the electric and half of the grocery bill is because I really wanted her to save up to take some courses at one of the local colleges, but since she seems to have no real interest in pursuing that, I will be changing that arrangement. I was also buying her cigarettes because she's miserable to be around when she's going through nicotine withdrawals.

If I make her pay for half of everything (rent, utilities, food, etc...) is it unreasonable to still lay down some house rules? Such as, if you aren't comfortable meeting a guy for the first time at a restaurant don't bring him into the apartment because you don't know him well enough?

[OsirisRa32]

I need some advice and you guys (and girls) have been great in the past.

I'm in another situation where I don't know what to do with my sister. This morning my sister informed me that she was going to be having a date over on Sunday. This is a guy she's never met before and has only talked to online. She has been doing this fairly frequently lately so I just rolled my eyes keeping my opinions to myself. She saw and asked so I voiced my feelings that having strangers over to the apartment makes me nervous for my reptiles. Bare in mind that I never said she couldn't have him over.

She didn't like that I voiced my opinion and started berating me about how I could trust her to know better and that they never touch the reptiles. To me that's not the point. Having some stranger in my house with my couple thousand dollar reptile collection makes me nervous, plain and simple.

Not only that, but I feel like when she has guys over I have to stay in my room. I don't want to intrude on her date. Staying in my room means that I can't take care of my reptiles while she has company over and I can't watch anything on my TV. It would seem rude to clean cages or force someone I've never met before to watch a movie or show I like but they may or may not. Staying in my room is my choice but doing anything else seems weird. I am glad that I finally got notice someone is coming over, usually she tells me an hour before hand.

The fact that she got mad at me for voicing my opinion really irritates me. I don't ask my sister for much in terms of rent, she has to split the electric bill and pay for half the groceries. None of which she has done as of yet. She did buy groceries when she first moved in but since then hasn't had a paycheck to contribute anything. I pay all of the rent, I have paid for the groceries since that first time, I pay went we go out to eat or go to the movies, I've been buying her cigarettes, I pay for the phone, internet and TV, I drive her everywhere she needs to go, I pay for her cats... In short I pay for everything and she finally has a job now and is getting her first paycheck today. I haven't asked her to pay me back for anything. I did ask her to buy some groceries this week and you would think I asked her to chop of her hand. She started complaining about how she really wanted to get a tattoo so I let it go and used what I had left for money to buy enough ramen noodles to last until I get paid again on the 13th.

I don't feel like I did anything wrong by voicing my opinion. I am starting to feel like I am being taken advantage of by my irresponsible younger sister. She does help out around the house some and she seems to think that makes us even or is some type of huge help to me. I did it all before she moved in and honestly what she does isn't much. She loads and unloads the dishwasher (but refuses to listen to me when I ask her not to put the pots and frying pans in there since they aren't dishwasher safe), and she helps me feed the crested geckos but I honestly prefer to do that alone. She gets mad when I take 1 minute to check on them all as I change out their food. She also takes my dog out, but she does that because she doesn't want to be outside alone as she smokes a cigarette.

I don't know how to make her see that she's acting like a spoiled brat. When I was her age I was going to school full time and working almost full time to pay half of the rent, utilities and food for the apartment I was staying in with my then boyfriend. I also don't know how to make her understand that I have thousands of dollars in reptiles, not to mention my home theater system which I paid a lot for when I bought it 3 years ago, and her bring people she doesn't really know over makes me super nervous.

I'm just beyond frustrated and don't know what to do.

Honestly this sounds very much like a co dependent relationship.....Stand up for yourself. Lay out the ground rules for her if she wants to continue living there while you pay the bills and if she cant or wont abide by the rules she agreed to then evict her. My family and I had to go through the same thing twice with my brother. No offense...but your letting her walk all over you. Stand up and put your foot down if you really are as sick of all of this as you keep posting you are.

Often times people wont realize their actions and behavior until they hit rock bottom. Rock bottom is not a fun or pleasant place....it might even require legal action on your part....you sister sounds incredibly abusive towards you based on these posts.

[Mike41793]

Rebecca you've had what, 3 threads about this now? Obviously this is not gunna go away unless you really lay down the law with her. I think you need to show her some tough love.

And as far as random guys coming over, thats completely inappropriate imo. That sounds really sketchy and if you have expensive stuff in the house then you have every right to refuse to let that happen. Has your sister ever heard of the craigslist killer? Why cant the guy just take her out for a date? It actually sounds kinda weird tbh. Ive never gone to a chicks house and been like "nah, lets not go out. Lets just stay here instead." I would feel awkward not knowing her very well and having to meet her family right away. Id also feel like i was imposing. If the guys are too cheap to even take her out to dinner first then she needs some higher standards!

[Sama]

Family is hard, you don't want to step on their toes, but they should feel the same about you. Yes, she should pay for half of everything if she is living with you and she should pay rent before doing something fun. Part of paying rent is following the landlords rules, so yes, you should be able to have some rules that she has to follow. You should be comfortable in your own home and if she has never met the person you do NOT want them in your house, knowing where you live and knowing where your valuable reptiles and system are located! Sounds like she is not behaving like an adult and because your her big sister your allowing it, I can understand that, I have 2 little sisters who I have bailed out more then once. But it is time she grows up, that means paying your bills before spending money on fun stuff and not endangering your family.

Be strong, you can do it!

[Kinra]

Rebecca you've had what, 3 threads about this now? Obviously this is not gunna go away unless you really lay down the law with her. I think you need to show her some tough love.

And as far as random guys coming over, thats completely inappropriate imo. That sounds really sketchy and if you have expensive stuff in the house then you have every right to refuse to let that happen. Has your sister ever heard of the craigslist killer? Why cant the guy just take her out for a date? It actually sounds kinda weird tbh. Ive never gone to a chicks house and been like "nah, lets not go out. Lets just stay here instead." I would feel awkward not knowing her very well and having to meet her family right away. Id also feel like i was imposing. If the guys are too cheap to even take her out to dinner first then she needs some higher standards!

Yeah, I've had way too many threads about my sister lately. :o

I'm really not used to living with other people and the fact that she's family makes it harder. Every time I solve one problem she seems to create another one.

She's the one who is requesting that they come over and not go out somewhere. She said something to the effect of she likes to get to know them in the comfort of her own apartment.

I feel like I was born without the ability to stand up for myself sometimes. If she hadn't gotten mad at me for voicing my opinion that would have been the end of it. :/

Sent from my DROID RAZR

[Mike41793]

Yeah, I've had way too many threads about my sister lately. :o

I'm really not used to living with other people and the fact that she's family makes it harder. Every time I solve one problem she seems to create another one.

She's the one who is requesting that they come over and not go out somewhere. She said something to the effect of she likes to get to know them in the comfort of her own apartment.

I feel like I was born without the ability to stand up for myself sometimes. If she hadn't gotten mad at me for voicing my opinion that would have been the end of it. :/

Sent from my DROID RAZR

Nah i wasnt trying to be mean saying that you were making a lot, i was just pointing out its a recurring problem lol.

Yea i have to call BS on that. If i was a guy id decline that offer. It just seems weird. I feel like that'd be soooo awkward. Maybe im just weird though... Well yea, i guess we already kinda knew that though haha.