Not sure what to do...

[Kinra]

I'm really at a loss. About 3 weeks ago my sister moved with me back to WI. Since then she has become depressed. I have tried everything to make her feel welcome, but nothing seems to be working. Tonight as we were leaving dinner at my friend's house she dropped the bomb on me that she wanted to go home to NH. I'm just getting back on my feet after being out of work for a month. I don't have the money to send her home and honestly I think she should get a job and pay for her trip back. I don't think that is going to work out though because she's depressed that she doesn't have a job but is making zero effort to find one. She stays up all night and sleeps all day. I get that she's lonely and she's too shy to venture out on her own. If she didn't sleep all day and actually helped out around the apartment I would have more time to spend with her when I get home from work, but it doesn't seem like that is ever going to happen.

I really just don't know what to do. I don't want to pay to move her back after I just paid to move her here, but at the same time she's clearly not happy here and I don't want to force her to be here. I honestly didn't want to move back to Madison, WI. Yeah I have some great friends here but all of my family lives in NH or MA. When I got the job offer for my current job I told them I needed sometime to think about it, right after I hung up the phone my sister said she would be happy to move back with me. That was a what made the decision easier and I accepted the job. I wasn't expecting things to be perfect, but I think she was. I think she was expecting things to be magically different out here, which obviously wasn't going to happen.

I don't know if I should send her back (which would cost a good sum of money since she doesn't drive), make her tough it out, just ignore the fact that she said anything, or something else.

[JaGv]

i understand where you are coming from because i have been in the same situation as her before and i know how it feels when you move and are jobless. but having a talk with her about how you feel would be good and what she can do to change the situation, i know maybe it would sound mean but sometimes you just have to get things off your chest even if they sound mean your doing it for her good.

[youbeyouibei]

That sounds like a tough situation, sorry to read all that and that you have that going on. If it were me, I'd sit her down and lay it out for her: "It's called life: here's what this costs, here's what adults do to earn money (a job) and here's what you can do when you have a job and subsequently, money." I wouldn't be that blunt, necessarily, but that's extremely frustrating when a sibling or friend either one refuses to take responsibility for themselves and then it leaves you in a lurch or you feel as though you have to pick up after their messes. That sucks that she's depressed; been there and done that. Hiding from the world and whatever it is that's causing her to feel that way isn't going to solve anything or make the situation better, as I'm sure you well know. Medication and/or talking can be great, if it comes to that but the first thing is taking the initiative to find a solution to the issue(s), which is up to her to do. Be honest with her; tell her what your expenses are and what you can and can't do to help her and lay it out for her, then let her make up her own mind as to what she wants to do and how she's going to make it happen if you can't/aren't willing to pay her way or elect not to. Is she an adult (legally speaking) or a juvenile? Either way, honesty is always the best policy. You can clear the air with her, let her know how you feel and what you're thinking and then she can have an opportunity to tell you where she's coming from as well, if she chooses to. Good luck and I hope things straighten out for you; hang in there!

[Kodieh]

I think the best thing you can do is be honest. You don't have the resources to get her back. That's basic financials and I'm sure she'll understand. Just make the case to her that if she really wants to go back, she needs to finance it herself. Then explain that, who knows, maybe the income and social aspects will swing her the other way and everything will be better. I think she just needs...a push in the right direction! That's the way I would put it.


Browsing on Tapatalk from my iPhone

[gsarchie]

I would NOT ignore the situation, as it sounds like she is in a funk and needs to get out. Telling you about wanting to go home may have been her way of reaching out to someone, whether consciously or otherwise. Also, is she an adult or a juvenile? I would simply tell her that you are fine with her leaving, but until she does she needs to start helping you out with household chores. Furthermore, if she want to go home she has got to figure out how to get there on her own, as you are not going to foot the bill because she made the "mistake" of moving to WI. Was she running from something back in NH? Maybe whatever it was is eating at her now and she is wishing that she had just dealt with it. The next thing that I would do is give her the support and encouragement that is necessary to get her onto a normal sleep schedule and get her hanging out outside of the house. Humans are very social animals - we evolved that way as a way to protect ourselves from predators on the African plains. As a result we evolved emotions, which are what help us feel connected to others, and these connections are necessary for us to maintain a healthy mental state. Sounds like you may have a bit of work on your hands but nothing that cannot be figured out within your household (i.e. without the help of a mental health professional).

[Kinra]

Thanks everyone. I will sit down and have a talk with her tonight. I didn't want to talk with her last night because honestly I was aggravated and I don't think that would have been good. I'm also afraid that I will make her more depressed by telling her how I feel.

She is 18 but I guess she wasn't ready to leave the nest. I don't think she was running from anything, but before we left she used to complain about her job and how she flet stuck. Now that she doesn't have a job she wishes she had her old one back.

I have tried dragging her out of the house but she's so uncomfortable in social situations she doesn't like leaving the house. Most of the things I have taken her to are reptile related so maybe I'm just overloading her, she likes reptiles but she's not a nut like me.

The best thing about the situation was that I wasn't expecting her to pay half the rent. I can cover all the expense and still have money left over to maintain my reptile collection.

[Mike41793]

If shes 18 and has finished highschool then i feel like its not your problem. She chose to move out here with you, she should have thought about it harder i guess. Ask her why she was so gung-ho to move out to WI in the first place? Is there something that hasnt hapoened since you got there that she was expecting to happen...? I know shes your sister but screw the whole "being lazy, sleeping all day, and not doing anything" attitude. You need to give her a kick in the butt and make her start sleeping at the normal hours and start looking for a job. Or at the very least help out around the house. Shes 18 and youre not her mother, she should be doing something to help out. If she doesnt want to get a job to pay for a flight back to NH then tell her she has to help out around the house for awhile until you can afford to fly her back.

I apologize if i come off as harsh but i have a pretty harsh and negative opinion of lazy people...

[CatandDiallo]

If shes 18 and has finished highschool then i feel like its not your problem. She chose to move out here with you, she should have thought about it harder i guess. Ask her why she was so gung-ho to move out to WI in the first place? Is there something that hasnt hapoened since you got there that she was expecting to happen...? I know shes your sister but screw the whole "being lazy, sleeping all day, and not doing anything" attitude. You need to give her a kick in the butt and make her start sleeping at the normal hours and start looking for a job. Or at the very least help out around the house. Shes 18 and youre not her mother, she should be doing something to help out. If she doesnt want to get a job to pay for a flight back to NH then tell her she has to help out around the house for awhile until you can afford to fly her back.

I apologize if i come off as harsh but i have a pretty harsh and negative opinion of lazy people...

In all honesty, if she is ACTUALLY depressed, then these aren't symptoms of "being lazy". They are symptoms of, you guessed it, DEPRESSION.
Personally speaking, if you're in a bout of more intense, deep depression, it is very difficult to drag yourself out of bed, especially if you have no job and have no school. Very difficult.

However, I can't tell from the OP if the girl is actually depressed or if she is using the term "I'm depressed" loosely.

I would tell her to give it a chance. You don't have the money to send her back so give it more time and if it doesn't work out, THEN you can start having a conversation about sending her back.

[JLC]

It's wise to wait a day...or two...before addressing the situation with her. Make sure you think things through as completely as you can, and are able to approach it with as little emotional influence as possible. As you say, talking to her about it while in the moment of initial irritation would not have been a productive thing to do.

Here's what I would do in your situation...given the limited facts we have to go on...

I'd sit her down for a long, frank discussion about what's going on and how it might be dealt with. First of all...time it thoughtfully. Maybe after dinner, and after the dishes have been done and everyone is relaxed and comfortable, or whatever is the most comfortable time in your home. Make sure you have time for a long discussion so you don't have to cut it short to rush out the door or fight off late-night sleepies.

Be frank and honest about how you feel, and let her know that you see her as an adult who is responsible for her own life choices now. Not in a way that says, "You did this to yourself because you made a stupid choice" but in a way that says, "You chose this path. If you want to change it, let's figure out how to make that happen so YOU can change it."

Talk about what she really wants...try to get her to define it. Does she really want to move back home? Why? Maybe exploring the "why" will reveal things neither of you realized, and open up new directions to consider. Or maybe you'll both realize she has legitimate and solid reasons for wanting to go back to NH. There's no right or wrong in any of that...just lots to explore.

Once she knows for sure what she wants, talk about HOW to get there. Set up a path of stepping stones that she can take to reach her goal. Having a clear goal and a clear path toward reaching that goal is a VERY effective way of snapping many people out of a simple depression or funk.

Anyhow...I use the word "you" a lot in there, but that's what "I" would do in your shoes. We've gone through something similar very recently with my 19 year old daughter who recently moved back home. She's doing much better now.

[Mike41793]

In all honesty, if she is ACTUALLY depressed, then these aren't symptoms of "being lazy". They are symptoms of, you guessed it, DEPRESSION.
Personally speaking, if you're in a bout of more intense, deep depression, it is very difficult to drag yourself out of bed, especially if you have no job and have no school. Very difficult.

However, I can't tell from the OP if the girl is actually depressed or if she is using the term "I'm depressed" loosely.

I would tell her to give it a chance. You don't have the money to send her back so give it more time and if it doesn't work out, THEN you can start having a conversation about sending her back.

I guess youre right, that is possible. I dont understand depression so i wouldnt be able to recognize the signs.