some of you know, some of you don't...

[cecilbturtle]

I have a bad heart. Turns out I wasn't properly diagnosed years ago. I was diagnosed with LVH (an enlarged heart). I was given meds and all that jazz but nothing got better. Lately I've been having issues so I found another cardiologist. I also have atrial fibrillation. They have tried meds and a few other things that haven't worked.

Last week I had a procedure done call the Maze procedure. They basically cut my heart to add scar tissue to slow/alter the electrical impulses that cause my "flutter".

There is someone I "met" on this site that has become one of my best friends. When this all happened she disappeared. If you are reading this, please come back. I could use a real friend.

p.s.
Thanks Wilomn for letting me vent and just listening.

[Mike41793]

Im really sorry to hear that Luke. Whats the next step now? Just wait and see how you do after the Maze procedure?

[ballpythonluvr]

I remember you mentioning this once before. I am so sorry. If there is anything I can do, let me know.

[cecilbturtle]

Thanks Mike. Yup. I've come to grips a long long time ago that I have a messed up ticker. Not that I'm gonna lay down and give up but I just see life differently than I did before.

Life is too short.

- - - Updated - - -

I remember you mentioning this once before. I am so sorry. If there is anything I can do, let me know.

I still have that book to illustrate

[kevinb]

That's not cool. I'm sorry to hear that. There really isn't any better thing for anyone to do really then embrace every second you live. I never used to but I do now and it's amazing. Hope all goes well.

[sissysnakes]

Thats tough... and I can't imagine what you are going through... but just so you know if you ever need to talk to anyone I am sure there are more then enough people here to listen.. me included.

[wilomn]

Anytime Luke. Attitude is, I think, paramount in these battles we have been forced into. A good death followed by a good life. No puling or bemoaning the facts, you and I, so I understand what you feel, must simply overcome or, should it come to that, simply not submit, give in or give up, the battle to keep on keeping on.

I suspect there are more physical ramifications with your heart than I have with my cancer (which as of last week was still in remission, but as they keep telling me, will probably be back sooner or later) but, in the end, neither of us can really count on a string of tomorrows. You, from what I gather, could cease ticking anytime and I could get that call telling me I need to decide on treatment, or not, again, after every blood test for the rest of whatever forever I have.

The thing is, and this is really true and so easy to overlook, we're lucky. I can work my butt off cleaning my rodents, and I've got more than most people will ever see much less have to clean up after, I can spend 45 minutes on the 'freeway' down here to go 5 miles,(it's not uncommon) I can, I can, I can...
Not only can I 'I can', but I GET to. So do you.

I GET to clean rat crap. I GET to sit in traffic. I GET to work with my snakes. I GET to do what I want to, even if it is shoveling :cens0r::cens0r::cens0r::cens0r:. I'm not tied to a 9-5 soul sucking job that makes me miserable to think about. I'm not worried about what my boss thinks or if my suit is new enough or if my shoes are shiny enough; no boss, no suit, no shiny shoes because I,I,I, don't like them.

It's not just me and you, or you and I Luke, who GET to, we've just had it thrust in our faces that we can do what we want, as responsible honourable men of course- no stepping to the dark side just because we don't have as many tickets as some of the kids do- for as long as we've got.

What I'm getting to, learning as I go and at arrival, as is usual, is that regrets and worrying and complaining are wastes of what may be a finite amount of time left to us, what is in fact finite, as it is for all, but for us that finite may be considerably shorter in duration. So, screw the negative, acknowledge and dismiss there's no point in an ulcer too, and do what makes you happy. Not succeeding is not failure, it's failure to try. I'd rather try and not succeed at something than fail by not attempting.

I ramble and fear that my clarity is not crystal, but I think you'll get it. I hope some others will too. We make choices. All of us, those with punched tickets and those whose tickets have yet to be issued, we all decide, with every action we take, whether we do what we want or not. Sometimes changing from doing/living/working things that do not make us happy but pay the rent or keep a relationship fumbling along or allow us to keep up a facade that in and of itself makes us unhappy, seems impossible. The choices, the sacrifices, the pain, the embarrassment, the friends (if they were friends to begin with you'd never have this thought) who will no longer be friends if we start, well, being more true, all of these fears make it terribly difficult to understand that what's really important is how you live each day, the consistency of your resolve to be a good person, to be a happy person, to know that if this is the last post you ever read, the last time you'll ever tie your shoes, the last time you'll talk to your Mom, that you were good with it, that you had peace because you GOT, whatever the stimulus, that it's NOT forever and we can choose to do, emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, what we are told we must, what we are shoved into thinking we need by people whose sole motivation is to separate as much of our cash from us as possible and no matter how they sugar coat it that is ALL they want to do (clothes, make up, cars, scents, shoes, weight loss or gain, hair colour, all the crap that means NOTHING) or, not.

We can choose to do what we GET to do, what we have the OPTION of doing, knowing that it may be more costly physically, mentally and spiritually, than going 'along' and 'fitting in'. This, when the chips are down and I wonder just who the bloody hell decides these things, if there even IS a decider, is helpful to me.

I and you, we are not better than anyone, we just have the ability to REALLY see a point of view that is not available to most. If EndDay is tomorrow, what's really important today? That sort of sums it up. I think what's important today is what I do today. To be able to look at yesterday and say "I did well, might change a thing or two if I get the chance, but I'm good with it," to be able to look towards tomorrow, not worrying whether or not it will actually arrive, knowing that when I look back at today I'll be thinking, "I did well, might change a thing or two if I get the chance, but I'm good with it."

I GET to work, see my kids, drive in the worst traffic in America, write, talk, share. I GET to do a lot. I don't worry about what I DON'T get to do. I'd recommend you do the same, both the GETTING and the DON'TING.

The last two lines above pretty much sum up all the rest.

[cecilbturtle]

I couldn't have said it better. It's hard to feel "lucky" that I can put it all into perspective. To truly know and feel the brevity of it all. Why do I have to be the one to say all the things that need said. Why do they need said anyway?
One day I wont be here but there will still be tornadoes and traffic and pizza. There will still be football games, movies and beer. People will still meet and fall in love and have children, wash their cars complain about politicians... I can't help but feel insignificant sometimes. Trust me, I'm NOT feeling sorry for myself or for anyone else for that matter. It's just a weird feeling to see "it" from this perspective. It's not about fighting for a few moments it's about enjoying the moments I still have. I can smile at smaller things and dismiss more BS. I want to put 100 years of experience into 35 and if I live to be a hundred years old then i'll have crammed a few lifetimes into one.

As for that friend who seemed to leave me hanging. Maybe she's more afraid than I am. Maybe she never really cared in the first place. I don't believe the latter but even if it's true it was nice to feel cared for by her. I think I'll continue to believe it was real and shes just a little freaked out.