want opinions and help

[python_addict]

I am in no way a good writer I know this so all Im asking for is advice on what to change this is a poem I have been working of for a few hours but I know there are some changes that can be made just want to know how to change them.

Im comfortable at night
happiness will ensue~
with the lack of sight

as you break into a fight
I sit back and watch you
Im comfortable at night

the sun is such a fright
but you do what you do
with the lack of sight

a warning I will bite~
but the closer you drew
Im comfortable at night

I may be filled with spite
but I dont need a view
with the lack of sight

frustration causes you to ignite
this is my only debut~
I am comfortable at night
with the lack of sight

the ones with ~ next to them are the worst lines in the poem if you have suggestions on how to reword them or other words I could use I would love to hear them..this is the first time Im sharing my writing...please be nice Im just a beginner

[Foschi Exotic Serpents]

I am in no way a good writer I know this so all Im asking for is advice on what to change this is a poem I have been working of for a few hours but I know there are some changes that can be made just want to know how to change them.

Im comfortable at night
happiness will ensue~
with the lack of sight

as you break into a fight
I sit back and watch you
Im comfortable at night

the sun is such a fright
but you do what you do
with the lack of sight

a warning I will bite~
but the closer you drew
Im comfortable at night

I may be filled with spite
but I dont need a view
with the lack of sight

frustration causes you to ignite
this is my only debut~
I am comfortable at night
with the lack of sight

the ones with ~ next to them are the worst lines in the poem if you have suggestions on how to reword them or other words I could use I would love to hear them..this is the first time Im sharing my writing...please be nice Im just a beginner

You may think the ~ are the worst ones but I think it would flow better if you used "within a lack of sight" and "within the lack of sight" instead..

[The Serpent Merchant]

I had my girlfriend read you poem, she is an English/History double major in college focusing on poetry and fiction writing.

This is what she had to say:

"Before you read this, know that I do not dislike your poem, or am trying to be mean in any way. I'm giving a critique and suggestions that I hope you will at least consider.

Unless you're going for a poem without punctuation, I strongly suggest using it. Poetry is meant to be spoken and punctuation is a tool that can clarify how the author wants the poem to be read. I recommend playing with punctuation to see what works best for the poem. One thing that bothered me was the rhyme scheme. It is one thing to rhyme and another thing to rhyme by repeating the same words. It wouldn't be so jarring if you used internal rhyme (rhyme in the middle of lines instead of at the end). In order for a good internal rhyme to be achieved you could try expanding the poem to make the lines longer, or rhyme less. The repetition of the lines "I'm comfortable at night" and "with the lack of sight" all the way through the poem cease to add meaning after their first usage. If you would like to repeat those lines, try lengthening the poem so their repetitions don't appear so close together. Or, you could think of other ways to convey the same meaning and use metaphor to engage the reader. The word choice in each line was concise, with the exception of "with the lack of sight". "The" can be eliminated for a smoother flowing line. Throughout the poem you used "I'm" and at the end you said "I am". If you keep the poem as is, I suggest you make the line conform. As for the lines you think are the worst, they are actually the ones that bring different ideas to the poem. However, to improve the lines you might try simply "happiness ensues". The fourth stanza has some tense problems and I believe the narrator switches from person to animal. To clarify this I would try something like:

I, in warning, bite
as you approach I recede
into my hide of night.

In any case, I would rework that stanza. You have a great start here and I encourage you to continue sharing your work. Good luck with revisions!"

If you want any more feed back from her or want to clarify something feel free to let me know

[python_addict]

Its a villanelle poem so it has to follow a certain format and rhyme scheme so lets say

A1
b
A2

a
b
A1

a
b
A2

a
b
A1

a
b
A2

a
b
A1
A2

the lines on the a's have to rhyme with the A1's and A2's, the lines on the b's have to rhyme with themselves. all the A1's stay the same and the A2's stay the same those can never change and thanks I really didnt catch that I switched from I'm to I am lol but its not even what I wrote on paper haha and yeah on the paper I have all the correct punctuation just dont type with it :/

[luvmyballs]

it takes guts to put yourself out there. I like what you've done so far. I don't really have any suggestions because most of the poems I know start with there once was a man from nantucket.....ha ha just kidding . please post the final version when you are done with it.