Need some opinions on a dead beat...

[Skittles1101]

So, I usually don't air my dirty laundry out for everyone to see, but I need some unbiased opinions on what to do with my ex husband...

So, long story short, I got out of a mentally abusive (and semi physically close the end end of it...) marriage with my ex husband. We separated August of 2009, and finally the divorce was final April of 2011. He contested it, just to be a....jerk. He was ordered by the court to pay a measly $50/week for child support, which I had lowered from what the state wanted him to pay (starting about the end of 2009...). I haven't received anything. Occasionally, I'll receive $20 here and there, but other than that...nothing!

Now, despite all the verbal and mental abuse I went through during and after our separation, I still remained civil for my son's sake. I always figured, if he wasn't going to see his dad it will be HIS choice, not mine. My ex isn't dangerous to him, so I've allowed him to take extended vacations to Michigan where he lives (I live in Massachusetts). He even had him for the ENTIRE summer (he's 5 years old...).

Now, my mother just informed me that he called, to speak to my son while I am working. He apparently went off on a tangent because my mom called him out on his lack of payments to support his son. These past two weeks (ending tomorrow) I will have worked my regular 80 hours, PLUS 50 hours of overtime, JUST so I can live on my own, support my son on my own (I've lived on my own since we separated), AND have a decent Christmas for him. I have zero time for school because I can't turn down overtime, so I get to put my dreams on hold until I am in a better situation financially. Now, HE goes to school full time. HE doesn't work. HE lives at home with his (dead beat) dad. HE takes child support as a joke.

I just HATE his sense of entitlement. It makes me SO angry that he gets to fulfill his dreams and go to school and I'm stuck working crazy hours in a high-stress job missing out on watching my son grow up, and not only does he get to NOT pay child support, but he also gets him for his visitations! How is this fair? My son is scheduled to go his dad's in Michigan for Christmas break, from the 19th to Jan 4th, and after the convo he had with my mom, everyone is telling me not to let him go. These visitations are not required by the court, it' in the paperwork that we worked out "our own" schedule for visitation, so I wouldn't be breaking the law...but part of me wants to tell him where to go and that he can't have my son for Christmas when I work my butt off in order to give him a good life!

I'm sorry for the novel, I guess it's hard to get all the info out without rambling, and I am pretty emotional right now. My mom and my boyfriend both told me not to let Jacob go for the holidays. I honestly think I deserve to have Jacob for the holidays over him, but I've never wanted to put my son in the middle of it. I don't want to take that away from my son, and I never wanted my ex to be able to use it as ammo against me. Opinions? I just don't know what to do...

[jjmitchell]

Well before I get started, you will need to understand my situation, I will be brief cause no one wants to hear my novel.....

I have had custody of my son since he was 3 months old. She has not paid me child support in 8 years, and has no real intentions of ever paying it. Because she lost custody the court literally will not enforce it, they sent me to child support enforcement, and she just bounces from job to job to avoid paying. She was only ordered to pay 175 a month (she now owes my son over 13k).... I call child support enforcement and after i explain the situation, they ask why I am not making payments.... SO because I am male, I must automaticly be the dead beat parent..... Any way the courts wont do anything and neither will the state office that is supposed to enforce payment of child support.

So that being said, I wish you good luck. I will tell you that any custodial court will only be upset by the idea of payment for visitation (not letting the other party see the kid because they are not paying child support) unless court ordered.

I would cut back to the visitation that the court paper work states he gets No More. It is that or go back to court.

I hope things work out better for you than me, but atleast you will not have sociological sex related stereo types being held against you

[Gomojoe]

There are many methods to use. A lot of states you can block him from getting a hunting license or get his drivers license suspended. Doesn't guarantee you the money, but he might start to make the pain go away.


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[cmack91]

from the point of view of a kid who went through what your kid is going through, leave it up to him, just ask him where he wants to go this year for the holidays. if he says he wants to stay home (your house), all you have to tell your ex is that your son made his decision. if your son wants to go see his dad, let him, and WHEN HE GETS BACK, talk to your ex and tell him that the only reason your son went out there is because he wanted to, and that next year you might not let him if he isnt paying child support. does your paperwork specify who's decision is final, yours or your ex's? im assuming yours, since you have your son for the majority of the time, and because your the mom, if thats the case, if your ex gives you any lip, tell him you will pull all of his visitation rights, except for letting him come to your house to see his kid on his b-day, unless he starts paying the full amount for child support that it says in the papers (even a dead beat dad should be able to see his kids at least on their b-days). i would just wait to force your son to go or not to go until he's older, and can understand reasons better, otherwise it may cause problems with you and your son, and nobody wants that.

thats my opinion

p.s. idk how all the legal stuff works for situations like this, so if i stated something you cant legally do, im sorry

[angllady2]

Whew hon!

This is a lot to deal with for you. I am sorry you have such a difficult situation. Decisions like your are never easy to make.

I have given a lot of thought to your dilemma, I didn't want to post a knee-jerk reaction.

I don't think you should send your son to your ex for the Holidays. Let me try to explain why I think that. It's not so much a "revenge" thing or a "I'll get you back for this" thing. I just don't think a man who makes no effort to support his son whatsoever really cares about him. And if he doesn't care about his son, he doesn't need to see him. Period.

Right now he has everything his way. He can sit on his bum and do nothing, has everything handed to him, including time with his child. He has none of the responsibility of raising a child, which any parent can tell you is a FULL time job in itself, and best of all he can enjoy time with the boy without worrying or caring about food, clothing, school or any of the myriad other things involved with having a child. He has all of the positives with no concept of the negatives or for that matter the reality of raising a child.

Tell him it is very simple, you want to spend time with your son, then be a man and take an active part in caring for him. If you don't think you should help care for him, then I don't think you need to spend time with him.

Now indulge me a moment. When my now husband and I were engaged but not married I got pregnant and the only way my parents could take care of what myself and the baby needed was to get state help. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. The state said I could have insurance, food stamps, etc, but he HAD to pay child support. Even though we were not married, we both said it was his child. I was very angry, I refused to sign the papers. He was doing the best he could, going to school full time and working a lousy fast food job. I knew he would give me whatever he could, and I didn't want the state to order it. But they refused. In the end I signed the papers, I was so very sick at the time I couldn't fight any longer.

Now, my now husband was just 19 years old. In tech school all day every day, he worked all night every night. He wanted to buy me a wedding ring, but well over half of his check went to the state every week, it he wasn't making much as it was. It would have been easy for him to quit his job and stop paying the child support, but that thought never crossed his mind. He worked himself to death for the child he didn't even have yet, because he was a man and he knew it was his responsibility.

If a 19 year old just out of high school can be man enough to face his responsibility, then your ex has no excuse. Don't withhold his child as a form of revenge or punishment. But DO withhold the child he seems to care nothing about, for just that reason. If he truly loves the boy, and truly cares about him and what happens to him, then it's high time he proved it. End of discussion.

I wish you all the best no matter your decision. But darling, if you continue to let him walk all over you, soon your bitterness and resentment will grow too much to hide from your son, and when that evil day comes he'll be forced to choose sides, and no one wants that. If you force your ex to do the right thing, then you all benefit. If he decides he doesn't want to get more involved with your son, then he has only himself to blame when the boy comes to him and asks, "Where were you ?"

Gale

[mechnut450]

My sister goes though this with my niece's fther ( a dead beat too) THey revoke his lic to drive, hunt, fish until the amount is paid then he gets fines to have them reinstated. I sure ther are similar laws in your stat and the father's, I mean if he can afford to pay the plan ticket for his son to visit him so often he can pay support).

techinally he got to play and getting off by not paying like he should. If the you son wants to go let him but once he back home I bluntly tell his father no more visits until the total amount of child support is paid in full. I also file complaints with courts in both states to, cause your state might be lacking in enforcement does not mean the next state is, they may toss the book at him with all kinds of limitations and such.
I do believe that there should be a standard set for such laws/issues from state to state so one can not just move to get out of paying their fair due for their actions. cause in the long run it you and the sone that will suffer the most. You with stress from over working and missing out on your son growing up and your son for the times he wants you there and your unable due busting your rear to care for him. The ex he getting off scott free and does not sound like he cares cause he still gets to see his son for holidays.

[Skittles1101]

Thanks for all the advice and info everyone. After a long discussion with my mother, my boyfriend, and my mother-in-law (HIS mother), I've decided he will be spending Christmas with me. He needs to start seeing some repercussions from not paying at all and it won't happen if I keep letting him walk all over me. Thanks again...

[CatandDiallo]

I 10000% agree with everything that Gale said. Very wise.

You made the best decision that was available to you.

[SlitherinSisters]

I totally agree with you keeping your son for Christmas. He doesn't deserve the rights of a parent if he isn't even going to help out with the child. The only thing I want to make sure of, is that you have the right to keep your son for Christmas. Is there some sort of court order for when he will get your son?

[cecilbturtle]

just my opinion but your son needs to learn to be a man. i know you want him to be a good man. again, just my opinion, but jake is not going to learn how to be a good man from his father.

i was raised by my mom and five older sisters. i hope im a good man and a great father. if i am, and i think i am, its because i was taught how to be a man from them and NOT my father.

im sure youll make the right decision and dont underestimate what your son understands. he sees you work and struggle to make his life better and i know he sees his father make it harder for you. i grew up seeing the same thing. i'm 34 years old now and my mom is my hero. jake will see you the same way. trust me.