Please help. :(

[llovelace]

I wouldn't label her as a "cutter", what she did was "attention" seeking behavior. "cutters" do it in private, for different reasons.

[JulieInNJ]

I wouldn't label her as a "cutter", what she did was "attention" seeking behavior. "cutters" do it in private, for different reasons.

That's not necessarily true. Here's the criteria for BPD. It's *almost* exactly what he's describing.


Borderline Personality Disorder DSM IV Criteria



A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

[Homegrownscales]

Coming from a person that was in a very very codependent fd up relationship for a very long time. I honestly think some time apart would be the best way to figure things out. Stop take a breath and look at the full situation. The relationship I was in was horrible and it was killing me literally. But we were both intertwined in the mess. It landed both of us no where good. Him more so worse off bc he just couldn't straighten out. I'm being honest with you if you are thinking about the what if's now... Just imagine in 5 years in 10 years.
And the train wreckage that comes off of the final end product. This has bad written all over it love. I'm sorry. Been there done that. I'll NEVER DO IT AGAIN.


Check out what's new on my website... www.Homegrownscales.com

[kevinb]

She used to be a cutter and has numerous big scares on her hips that she would go at before I knew her. I'm not trying to defend her behavior but some things that also happened to her that make her anxiety worse or made her anxiety worse.

#1) her first real boyfriend was an ass and made her do nunerous things she didn't like but went along with because he said he "cared" about her. He ended up practically raping her (tried to undress her, she said no, he got pissed and started yelling, so she submitted and allowed it against her wishes not to). It was a horroble expreince for her (she was only 14), and there was a lot of unplesant things that happened during the process that I don't need to go into detail. He finished, showered, and she left. He said he would call her the next day and never did, he ended up having sex with a couple more girls the next few days even though they were still "dating", that is when she began cutting. And it just escualted from there.

#2) when we first began dating and up till the 7 month mark I flirted a lot with other girls and thought about cheating on her, I never did because I didn't want to be a cheater, but I still consider myself one after everything. I told her and no the trust has pretty much gone, I can't have any friends that are girls.

Now as for me I used to cut and burn myself frequently. I would take a blow torch and heat up nails till red hot and brand words into my body. My friends at the time told me it was all a show for attention and that I was making it all up, I would often go and cry in a corner. They began naming my crying attacks as "kevin breaks" and made it the school joke for anyone who acted upset. They even marked it as their funniest high school memory in the year book. I currently have no real friends as they all think my mental illness is a joke....so f them. They even told me I made up my attempted suicide...yeah like you can fake that? The only people I really have in my life now are her and my snakes. I don't want a different girlfriend, she is the best thing to happen to me belive it or not, as I used to be a real ahole and have a new girlfriend every week. I just need to get it through to her, and myself that we need to figure out something better. I currently can't see a therapist or psychologist because I have no health insurancs. I applied for medicaid but they denied me because I still technically live with my parents. Bs...but whatever.

She was always there for me, talking me out of more suicide attemts, etc. And I'm going to be there for her. She needs help, and support is sometimes what people need most, something I didn't get during my problems.
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[HighVoltageRoyals]

I've always viewed being in a relationship with someone as "hey, I can see us going places in the future". If you don't see yourself with this person in the future, why even waste your time?

[HighVoltageRoyals]

"She was always there for me, talking me out of more suicide attemts, etc. And I'm going to be there for her. She needs help, and support is sometimes what people need most, something I didn't get during my problems."

You can be there for her and NOT be in a relationship with her. It's called the friend zone and she definitely needs to be put there until/if she sorts herself out. It's up to her and you sticking around and playing into her tantrums is only going to make it worse. She sounds like a very weak person that needs to learn how to be strong by being more independant. You can still be there for her as a friend but I don't think being in a bf gf relationship with this person at this time is advisable at all.

[llovelace]

That's not necessarily true. Here's the criteria for BPD. It's *almost* exactly what he's describing.


Borderline Personality Disorder DSM IV Criteria



A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

ok, out of 9, I see a relation to 1

[JulieInNJ]

She was always there for me, talking me out of more suicide attemts, etc. And I'm going to be there for her. She needs help, and support is sometimes what people need most, something I didn't get during my problems.
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You are making excuses for her. This is codependency at it's best. You can't save her. And you're jeopardizing your mental health trying.

She used to be a cutter and has numerous big scares on her hips that she would go at before I knew her. 5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior I'm not trying to defend her behavior but some things that also happened to her that make her anxiety worse or made her anxiety worse.

#1) her first real boyfriend was an ass and made her do nunerous things she didn't like but went along with because he said he "cared" about her. He ended up practically raping her (tried to undress her, she said no, he got pissed and started yelling, so she submitted and allowed it against her wishes not to). It was a horroble expreince for her (she was only 14), and there was a lot of unplesant things that happened during the process that I don't need to go into detail. He finished, showered, and she left. He said he would call her the next day and never did, he ended up having sex with a couple more girls the next few days even though they were still "dating", that is when she began cutting. And it just escualted from there.2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

The problem is we both have extreme depression and high levels of anxiety. 6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

She started to develope major anxiety her 5th grade year in school, so much so that she would follow her mom around all day (works at the school) because she was scared to let her out of her site, she had extreme seperation anxiety from her mom. 1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.Since then she has seen many therapist, taken many different meds and nothing helps.

The problem is that when she gets home mondays and tuesdays she is completely alone. This is where it gets bad, she will text and call me balling telling me she wants me home because she can't go on anymore, she doesn't want to be alone, she misses me and can't handle it, etc.6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). 1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
7. chronic feelings of emptiness

So I'm stuck here for hours having to tell her its okay and getting "you don't understand! If you needed me id be there!" 8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

These were just the things that jumped out at me. This is only from my first hand experience with people with mental health issues. Of course I could be very much wrong, but I'd take this info to a professional to see if she's been misdiagnosed as bipolar. It happens a lot and the wrong medication could be a disaster.

Either way, only a professional can help her.

[nock]

She takes xanax like skittles...no lie. He doctor allows her up to 4x a day, and that still has no affect when she gets bad. Like I said none of her meds seem to improve her anxiety or depression at all.

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Abusing anti-depressants, even taken as prescribed, is a horrible epidemic in the US these days. What's the difference between popping benzos and shooting up? Drugs are not the answer to your feelings of despair in life.

[Jessica Loesch]

Kevin ... I just read through this thread, and I'm going to give you my opinion.

I know you have been through a lot and I know she has been through a lot too.

I have a lot of personal experience in many of the behaviors she has been exhibiting.


All I have to tell you is you need to get out. Whether that means letting her down easily or taking her to a hospital and admitting her for fear of self-destruction, you need to get out.

You have your OWN problems. Just because she was there for you doesn't mean no one else would have been. She was just there at the time and it could have been anyone. Let me tell you, a stable person would have been a lot more helpful to your situation.

You may feel like you and her can relate, but the reality is you guys are MAGNIFYING each other's problems and it is blaring loud and clear. You wouldn't be feeling this way if she wasn't around (at first maybe, but it goes away and you won't have to live with it getting worse the rest of your life).

You love her... duh! Of course you do. How could you not? But there are other people out there. Stable people. That will love you for you. Even past your problems. Believe me, I KNOW.

And I'm going to have agree that a lot of her behaviors are very bratty, attention-seeking behaviors that you are only making worse by either submitting to them or apologizing for not submitting to them, etc etc, you guys are definitely in a codependent relationship which I know a lot about ....

Just please ... admit her somewhere if you need to, for her safety, but get out of the relationship, it doesn't have to be for forever, but tell her she needs to get better and you need to heal, and you can't do that together because you are destructive to each other.

Good luck.