dealing with the burning hate

[Nektu]

Any kind of traumatizing event will shape and mold how a person views things for the rest of their lives. But just the simple act of forgiving, even if you are the only person who knows, is the first step of healing and moving on to better things. It's difficult and painful to do sometimes, but it will unload a burden that will feel so much better in the long run.

You will still always be cautious, and the walls of defense will be ever present, but that is what helps us persevere and move on.

[mommanessy247]

MAN i wish i knew how to put tidbits of sentences in my responses like you JLC...
anyhow, it makes SO MUCH sense when you explain the hate thing that way...
i know i will always have choose my words carefully when discussing my daughter's father, to and around her. it's hard though, cuz i so badly wanna spew every hurtful syllable that comes to mind when i think of him but that wouldn't be fair to my daughter.

dsirkle - hence the reason i'm coming here for advice on how to let go of this hate. i dont want to be a bitter old hateful crone. i appreciate your effort to make a clear point as cut and dry as possible but to come at it with a "life sucks sometimes, get over it." view is kind of harsh giving that not every curveball life throws is that easy to get over. if it were that easy there wouldnt be a need for certain medications and psychiatrists and therapists.

i'm not coming here with this to whine or get pity or whatever. i'm genuinely seeking support and advice because i really do want to let go of this hate so i CAN move on and live a better more fulfilling life.

nektu - i know i should forgive him too but i keep thinking that he doesnt even deserve THAT.
to me truly being able to forgive someone involves the process of informing them they're being forgiven and it's a mutual understanding between both parties and then the relationship is improved in some way. it's really hard for me to understand how someone can forgive another person but not tell them. this concept has been attempted to be explained to me at church but it still eludes me as to how that situation would actually work to the forgiver's benefit if the person they're forgiving doesnt even know what's going on...

[JLC]

MAN i wish i knew how to put tidbits of sentences in my responses like you JLC...

Easy peasy. Just use the quote tags around the sentence you want to highlight. It will look like this when you type it out.

[quote]Copy the text you want to quote and paste it between these tags.[/quote]

There are a bunch of little buttons right above the text box that you type in. One of them looks like a little speech bubble. If you click on that, it puts the quote tags right there for you to use without you having to type them out...then you just insert your text between them. Or highlight the text then click the button and it will put the tags around the highlighted text.

There is also the "Reply with quote" button. If you click on that, it will bring up your text box with that whole post already quoted for you. And beside that is a smaller button with a + sign on it. That is the "multi-quote" button. If there are several posts you'd like to respond specifically to...you can click that button on each of them...then hit the regular "reply" button at the bottom...and all those quotes will be filled into your text box for you.

And now back to our regularly scheduled topic.....

nektu - i know i should forgive him too but i keep thinking that he doesnt even deserve THAT.

Here's my take on forgiveness...for what it's worth. Forgiveness isn't ever about being "deserved." It's not about doing something for the person who wronged you. It's about doing something for yourself. It's about letting go of the burden you place on yourself to somehow punish the one who wronged you. Whether they ever know you let go of it or not is irrelevant.

For instance...when I was in 8th grade, I went through a horrible year due to the actions of one girl who had once been one of my best friends. Her irrational and never-explained betrayal and hateful actions toward me ruined my life and colored my own self-perceptions for years and years afterwards. To this day, I sometimes struggle against those ancient voices, though they are finally very faint and much easier to blow away.

There came a time in my life, in college, when I was struggling to find peace amid the frantic chaos I'd spun myself into. I was praying for God to show me how to find that peace, to show me what was holding me back. She came to mind. I'd never forgiven her. I still held so much resentment and anger toward her for what she'd done. And at that moment, I released it. Rather than wanting bad things to happen to her, I prayed that God would touch her and help her to know Him. I prayed FOR her instead of ABOUT her. And the peace that came on me was profound. The burden lifted off my shoulders was tremendous!

It was NOT an easy thing to do...maybe kind of like holding on for dear life at the top of a massive bungee jump. You know it's safe...you know it will be thrilling...you know it'll all be over in a matter of moments. The "letting go" doesn't take even a heartbeat of time to happen...one moment you're holding on for dear life...and the next moment, you're falling into wonderfulness. But that choice to let go still has to be made...and it can be hard. It will be SOOOO very worth it when you do!!! I can't even begin to describe how amazingly blessed YOUR life will be when you do. Forget about him...you don't need to do it for him...you need to do it for you, and for your daughter.

I never told this girl I forgave her. Never saw or spoke to her again. And if I ever did encounter her again, I don't believe I would feel any pressure to tell her I forgave her. I'd be civil...maybe even friendly...because I truly don't wish any harm for her anymore. Doesn't mean I'd have to ever trust her again. Forgiveness isn't about trust, or rebuilding anything. It's not about bridges or communication. It's simply about the condition of your own heart.

Let go...and enjoy the ride!

[mommanessy247]

It's not about doing something for the person who wronged you.

yeah cuz i definitely dont want to be doing HIM any favors!

because of the abuse at the hands of my daughter's father, as well as other relationships, it took me YEARS in this relationship with my current bf before i was able to start to trust that he would never hurt me. during that time i was always darn near jumping out of my skin when he'd so much as raise his voice and then i'd just if he yelled. i even flinched and braced for impact a few times during heated arguments fully expecting to be hit and he would be like "what the heck are you doing?!". he finally figured it out and although we've been together almost 9 yrs now i know he'll never put hands on me but i still get nervous when he gets angry, whether at me or not.
ok i gotta pause here. gotta run a quick errand. will finish this up when i get back...

[mommanessy247]

well, between that last post of mine and now, i've managed to lose the rest of what i was gonna say on this topic.
oh well, it'll come back to me soon.

[Jason Bowden]

Time to propose to the BF and be your self.

[Ham]

Time to propose to the BF and be your self.

That sounds like the best advice so far...